continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[SH_]

Good morning Phoebe,

I hope you found some rest in your sleep.

Start the day off with the happiness Ted talk as you arise. It will set a good tone for your day.

Pencil smiles, chocolate, neature, and do I say it?
Chicken Saddles!!!!

That just makes me giggle to say it. Hee hee tee hee.

[Phoebe]

Hello, Hello!

Saddle-maker checking in for the day. I feel like I am rushed today and yet I am stalling. I watched there MR talk on habits of happiness, SH. Not sure if that's the one you meant of the Achors one, but I'll get to that one, too.

Today I have to call the woman I walked with earlier this week. Yesterday, no exaggeration, she sent me 5 emails and left me voicemail. She's trying to fix me. She sent me info on her therapist, her yoga class, her dance instructor, etc., etc. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I deflected her yesterday by email and said I'd call today, so I have to do that.

I can't BE fixed. I have to do that healing work for myself...

Then I have to finish up my relationship graph about my H. I'd definitely prefer to stall on that one, but time is up and I have that counselor tomorrow, so I have to finish. Than I'm helping my father with a project this afternoon and I need to go to my Weight Watcher's meeting this evening with my Mom. Still going for the social contact, not because I'm overweight. At all. I'm still down 30 pounds since BD, so it's not an issue.

Anyway, feeling a bit under the gun, time-wise on the relationship graph. Ugh. I wish I had another week to work on it in smaller doses, rather than the deep dive that is required.

Well, I'd better get to it. I just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone.

Saddle up and smile!

[Phoebe]

Just checking back in for the evening. I've made no progress on my relationship graph whatsoever. It's messy and I wanted to at least copy it over, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. It's just going to have to be good enough the way it is. It has all of the information on it that I need to convey.

I agreed to go to yoga with my new fixer friend. I also conceded that I would go to get a massage at a place she recommends. I've never had a massage in my life, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right? I need to set that up still.

Tuesday is going to be busy and long! I'm meeting someone to go on a hike at 10, then my therapist at 2 in the afternoon, and yoga at 7, all quite a ways from the house, so the whole day is spoken for! That's probably a good thing. I might fit in a second hike by myself after the therapist, since I'll have a long block of time to kill.

Anyway, a pretty good day in the neighborhood today. Last night I left my new sleeping meds in the other house so I tried Benadryl again. I slept, but I kept waking up all night long.

SH, I may just do the cold turkey stay up a whole night route to try to reset myself, as you suggested, if I can't get a handle on it. I've done that in the past (a lot in college!), so it's certainly worth a try.

Neature moment: I can hear a barred owl calling outside right now. "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you-allllllll!" They're one of my favorite birds. If you have never heard them, you should go look up their call. It's awesome to hear a pair in the woods, and they will even call during the daytime. When they really get animated, they sound like monkeys!

Peace, love, and tree frogs!! (They're calling tonight, too.)

[Phoebe]

A bit of journaling for the day…

I went over my relationship graph about my marriage today with the grief counselor. I 'just' had to tell her the story of my 25 year relationship, both the good and the bad. It wasn't easy relating 22 mostly really good years and then the downward slide over the last 3 years, a slide that confused me at the time and really still does to a large extent. In hindsight I see where H started to disengage and started sneaking around, lying, experimenting with drugs, etc., but at the time I was just in the dark, wondering wtf was going on and why my marriage just felt off and why we kept having these terrible troubles, seemingly out of nowhere.

The next step is to identify categories into which the events fall in terms of emotional incompleteness - were they points with undelivered emotional messages, are they times where I wish I could have apologized, or are they things I need of forgive? Or a mixture of those? None of these "actions" are for H, nor will they be shared with him. They are for me to understand what makes the relationship incomplete for me. It is this feeing of incompleteness that keeps a griever stuck in their grief.

I can't say I totally understand the process right now, but I know that I need to forgive H for his inability to talk to me about what was happening to him and what he needed from me, and on the other hand I need to acknowledge that I wish I had apologized for not being a good enough listener that he could feel safe delivering those messages to me. No, I won't be giving that apology to H, at least not in the foreseeable future unless there is some hope for R. Right now I don't hold out for that anymore.

Honestly, I'm not even sure what I would do if H expressed any interest in R. I'm uncertain, and I'm OK with that uncertainty at the moment. Right now I'm just gathering my strength because whatever comes next will be extremely difficult, no matter what it is. It feels a bit like the calm before the storm, but the storm forecast is unclear. I could get served tomorrow, or I might not hear anything for a long time. Weeks, months? I have no idea, really.

In the meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out what my new life is going to look like.

So in new GAL activity news:

I am going ice skating on Thursday! Officially it's a Golden Skate for 50+ skaters, but my new friend tells me that they never check IDs, so I'm going! I hope there aren't many people there so that I can do more than just skate in silly circles. I want to practice!! Anyway, I'm looking forward to it and hope my feet won't blister all to pieces. I haven't skated in well over a year.

And instead of yoga on Tuesday, I'm going to a wind quintet concert. I figure after a morning hike with a new acquaintance and then a possible hike on my own after seeing my therapist, that's enough physical stuff for the day. I'm going to put my ears to work, instead!

I still have 6 healthy chicks, so I've got my fingers crossed that the attrition is over. Losing chicks is no fun at all.

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend!

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

How cool that you are trying new things! I hope you get a good massage therapist. Don't go for something crazy, just get a nice, relaxing Swedish massage, that will give you the best experience for a first time.

If you feel a good connection with the massage therapist, you may want to share that you are going through a traumatic time. A massage can sometimes trigger unexpected reactions when there are a lot of emotions present.

I hope you slept well (or stayed up all night??). I fall asleep at night, but wake up early with thoughts of H and OW.

I got to admit that I really enjoy not having to drive all over carnation anymore, like you describe. Work is 3 minutes away, grocery store 5 minutes, therapist 7 minutes, etc. And I actually see rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, and tons of birds every day. I'm happily escaped from the country... But I bet it's nicer where you are, not hot and humid and itchy grass like where I moved from.

[Painter]

I realize we just cross-posted - I'm interested in the relationship review you are doing.

[Phoebe]

Well, it was plenty warm and humid today. I just tried to buy an air conditioner with no success. Today I realized that mine are at my out-of-state house, and no way am I going back out there. I'm kicking myself for not remembering when I was out there a few weeks ago. I'm not going back.

Anyway, I drove 30 minutes to Walmart tonight and they were sold out! Ugh. I've been driving all day it seems, 4 hours for the grief counseling and then another hour for this wild goose chase. It does get old sometimes.

Normally I prefer to stay at home a lot more, but these days I need to be out and about and seeing and meeting people.

The relationship timeline is tough.

[Ggrass]

I took a while to find this and answered in the other thread.

Farm life really is the up and down of life, it's why I was soo stunned when I was knocked for 6 by h. Death is a part of life in the country along with loss. It's never been a problem for me before ever.

I think my biggest thing was with each deal breaker which was one after another after another ..... And xh2 made them seem like just well I accidentally made a mistake forgetting to lock the house is an accident (although xh2 treated that like a major betray)

Hitting is not a mistake it's a huge Monumetal thing. It's a betrayal of trust.

To build on all those betrayals month after month the m was doomed but that's what xh2 wanted he's still wants me to leave him everything we Bulit and walk away even tho my blood sweat and tears were in there as well. He can rebuild he can move on with his ow he made those choices now own them.

[Rose888]

It's so good to hear you sounding like you are in a better place. Your GAL sounds lovely.

[SH_]

Good morning Phoebe!

You are GALing the heck out things these days. You sound to be doing very well. Ice skating, yoga, massages, work around your place, baby chicks, chicken saddles....
Wow.

You mention that you do lots of driving. This is a great time to listen to books on CD. I know that driving so much can be rough, and I like to use the time to listen to great material for my mind. Have you done this?

Keep at it, you are doing really well. And I love seeing my dear Phoebe on a good path.