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Phoebe Offline OP
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Well, it's time to start a new thread. Again. I'm over 5 months into this saga now, and the limbo goes on and on and on and...

Here's my last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2677139&page=1

I'll skip the summary, except to say that there has been almost complete NC for weeks now. My life is all my own these days, with the suspended sentence of waiting for the other shoe to drop. No sign of a D being filed so far, but I brace myself every time I go to the mailbox.

I have been doing pretty well, but insomnia remains a struggle sometimes, as is the shaking of my hands. At first my whole body was shaking, so that's progress. I had thought I was doing better, but now I may ask my GP to increase my AD meds again. I am definitely down again.

So I got an email today from the woman I am still deciding if I can be friends with, and she told me that she turned down my invitation to go on a hike with me because she found our (Mine and H's) online hiking journals and decided she could never keep up with me.

I never even considered my past hiking experience as a cause for a rejected invitation.

So, the Misfit Toy Syndrome strikes again, I guess.

It also reminded me of how much that part of my life means to me and how every single memory of all those months of backpacking is tied up with my H. No idea how to approach all of those memories. They were something I treasured. Now... just thinking about them made me cry. Again. What the he11? I made it 8 days between waterworks sessions, and now twice in 2 days? At least I can breathe normally through these tears and it's not the tsunami of grief again like yesterday.

Sorry, just having a bit of a rough patch the last couple days. I do have many more good days than bad now, but apparently the roller coaster ride still descends sometimes.

I'm tired, both physically and mentally.

In better news, a different woman that I met on yesterday's tree hike sent me a message saying she would like to get together to go on a hike! That's at least something positive. Someone who likes to hike and who is also interested in trees and birds. I guess we'll arrange a place and time, but a least that may lead to a hiking partner sometimes. (This one doesn't know my full name, and therefore can't go find my hiking journals, so I've got that going for me.) Relative anonymity has its benefits, apparently.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Phoebe

Totally normal to have the waterworks when you are faced with the memories and time spent together that was yours...nobody elses.

I had the same experience with a vacation spot I was back at it was near the place my STBX and I have gone and had a blast....made me lose it. [censored]...but I tried to remember the good times and then after snapping out of it said I will build new memories some day here with someone else or just try to enjoy myself now.


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Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Phoebe, it is a constant struggle to get past the memories, but keep your self in the present and create new special memories. The usual is comfortable, but new people can make the present so much more interesting than the usual. You will get through this, just keep taking one step at a time.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Phoebe Offline OP
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Thank you, rich. Sometimes I think that the hardest thing is figuring out what to do with all these memories. It's not like I even want to pretend that the last 25 years of my life didn't exist.

It's like the whole world is now a mine field, with all these things out there in wait if we just step in the wrong place.

Damn, crying again. I do think I may need more Prozac.

Just miss my life, and it was hard to be reminded of some of my most important memories, and the conflicting feelings I have about them, by someone who is basically a stranger.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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Phoebe Offline OP
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Thank you, coconut. I'm just having my little pity party today.

I know that it's all part of the process.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Phoebe, it makes me sad to hear that you are going through a rough stretch these past 2 days. You have been doing so much to help your healing process and I know much of the things that you were doing were outside of your comfort zone.

My heart breaks a little as I hear of the sadness you are experiencing, because I know that you are so much more than the depressing thoughts and views you are experiencing.

Will you try something for me? It is something that I have been studying, learning about and really working on with my d17.

Positive self talk.

Our brains are like computers. If you enter bad programming, then things don't work right or behave in a manner not desired.
If you enter good programming, then things work well and behave in a manner that is desired.

When you are posting positive things and statements you appear to be doing well.
Then there are days where your posts are focused on the not so good things and you are struggling.

What I want to challenge you to do, is post positive things when you are feeling down or sad. Take it a step further and speak positive things to yourself as well. Seek out positive reading, videos, etc.

Lets change that sad/negative programing in your mind to positive,happy programming. Because that is truly who you are under the pain. Lets get it out into the open and let it roam free.

I want to see you break through some barriers and gain some momentum.
I know this may seem like a tall order, and it is coming from someone that just a few weeks ago, could not hold it together, but I have found some momentum in this approach, and I think it may benefit you at this time.

Lets get you to a point that you will feel strong for any future challenges that you will face. Lets stay in the moment to create that strength. Lets get Phoebe to a place where sleep is the norm, shaking is temporary, a smile is the medicine for sadness, and fear of what the future holds is not an issue.

Will you try this?
View Shawn Achors tedtalk on happiness
View Matthieu Ricard tedtalk on the habits of happiness.

These contain messages that can help you with my challenge.

(((Phoebe)))

I am here for you, I believe in you and I know you are so much more than the fearful future images that run through your mind.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Great Advice Sadhub! Thanks for sharing.

Phoebe, I don't know of this is good advice, but sadly it helps me. I keep a list of the things I won't miss about my STBX. When I miss her it helps me re-read that.

I also keep a list of things that I am grateful given my new life and re-read that often.

(I also have a list of things that I think my STBX won't miss about me - for those I plan to tackle one at at time when I am ready)

I also have a Testament I read daily out-loud. Here's mine which I have evolved over the last 6 months:
  • I must accept my marriage is over
  • Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith is what will be. -S Ricotti
  • Even though I feel depressed about losing the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I deeply and completely accept myself
  • Each day I will live in the here and now and consider it a blessing to receive and give God's goodness daily.
  • I give thanks to have this opportunity to truly learn myself and invest in my emotional and spiritual growth.
  • The hidden blessing is all the time I now have to cultivate my new life and strengthen my relationship with my Daughter, Family, and close friends, and make new meaningful relationships
  • I will put in the hard work to become a better person and one day meet the partner of my dreams
  • When one door closes another will open.


Me37 W33
T:8 M:5
D3
BD 11/2015
EA+PA w boss 12/2015
S 3/2016

Im stronger because I had to be
Im smarter because of my mistakes
happier because of the sadness Ive known
and now wiser because I learned
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Phoebe, maybe it's the full moon. frown I've been crying pretty much non-stop for 4 days. I sat and sorted product on the shelf today and the tears were just running and running. Nothing I could do to stop it. My poor manager must wonder who she's hired!

I hope it calms down for you soon. I take a pill like clockwork every 5-8 hours. It helps with the gut-wrenching pain in my belly, but doesn't stop the crying. I also learned recently (I experienced it and noticed it, then read an article about it) that Tylenol actually helps with emotional pain!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Phoebe Offline OP
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SH, I will look up those talks tomorrow. I promise. And I will try harder. I'm just not quite there right now.

I know you want me to feel better, SH, and I will, just not this moment. There are times when I'm just going to be sad. I Know that I am going to be OK, even if I'm not sure how to get there every day.

I journal what I do and experience and then how I feel about those things. If I report something that sounds down, it's because I already feel that way, and not the other way around. So, while I completely agree about positive self-talk, I'm not totally sure that negative self-talk is what I've been doing, either. I feel more like I'm sorting things out. I have to put on my brave face and pretend that I'm OK all day long so that people don't feel bad for me or uncomfortable around me. Most days recently I really am doing OK, but some days I'm not, and that's not because of anything I write.

I'd rather not have to pretend to be brave all the time here, too.

I'm struggling more the last few days because meeting people is hard for me. I know I need to do it, but it reminds me that I have always struggled to form friendships, and that tap dances on the same nerves that are already sensitive because of my best friend and H's rejection of me. It reminds me of what I discovered when I started writing down my loss history. Friendships have been associated with painful losses through my life, and yet now I have to seek them out.

So, anyway, SH. I very much appreciate your concern and support. I'll try to do more positive self-talk, and I will go find those talks. Meanwhile, I hope you won't hold me to continuing my acting here, too. This has been my refuge for what I can't share anywhere else.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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Here is the place to let it all out. Be sad. Be angry. Be attached. Be annoyed. Be YOU. This forum helps in many ways. Venting and expressing your true feelings is one important aspect.

Look up those topics mentioned above. Google excel at life. There is a lot of useful stuff there. It explains better than we could in a few LAN s. Plus you can either read or listen to the info.

At worst it distracts you. At best it will help you. Win win in my book.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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