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Hi M,
Wow baby you are moving on and it's looking good on ya sistah, lol!

We seem to be in similar places right now. I'm still a bit hesitant about the dating thing though I'm starting to be a little more open to it.

I'm so happy you are at that place of peace I've heard so much about and have visited briefly here and there. Hold a place next to you for me? I've a feeling I'll be along shortly !!!

Oh my, dating sites? And Job, seriously???? WHAT WAS THAT MAN THINKING????? Good LORD!

2x love it - yes, do it YOUR WAY!

Now, to figure out what that means, lol smile
xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Good morning guys and thanks so much for all your advice. I hear you and totally get it, it all makes sense to me.

I have always loved being alone and on my own, so Job, you are not crazy. It takes energy to be social and most of the time I prefer time alone to read, watch movies or sit in my backyard. I have a high stress job that requires constant phone calls and people in and out, so my quiet time is golden.

However, I do crave time with a companion here and there. I am like a cat, I want companionship on my terms! Also, my son is young and I don't really want to raise him alone, I would love for him to have a solid male figure in his world who demonstrated a good example of love, affection and respect.

Whatever happens, we will see. I am not out there searching, but my eyes are open now and I am very aware of what's around me. I am open to the possibilities but know it's best to just let life play itself out. The best things happen when you least expect it smile

I took S to a birthday party last night. It was an 80's theme and the music was great! It was all I could do to not dance and sing by myself! Anyway, he tried pop rocks for the first time. Remember those? We were cracking up together while our mouths fizzled away! Such fun times with him, he is my little miracle.

Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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So, I was here checking on some posters real quick and H TM.

His mom has friends visiting and staying with her for 3 weeks. She had informed me and H of this via email at the beginning of the month to let us know she could not do Grammy day for the last 3 Thursdays this month. In the email, she also asked H to bring by S to meet her friends. I had laughed and thought, good luck with that!

Anyway, H just TM asking if he could take S with him to have lunch with these people, his mom, and his mom's stepson, wife and son.

I asked S, of course he has no desire to go. Big surprise there. I can just see his mom clucking in disapproval. My first thought was maybe I should encourage him for H, then I thought, wait a minute.

This is my time with S and this is not family visiting, these are strangers who S will never see again. H wants to play happy family guy with everyone. Well you know what buddy? Time for you to start living in reality. You have to go by yourself, and live with the fact that you don't have your son to introduce to them because you chose to tear your family apart and live separate lives, and your sons mom has him today. If it's that important to you, take S to meet them on your time, they have been here all month! It's time for H to live the life he chose. Glory hallelujah I finally get it!

I simply replied, sorry, we have plans.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Mar 2014
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Yes!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you! Enjoy the day with S


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi guys! Checking in to update and say hi. I have been a busy girl with fun mixed in.

Last week S had a field trip to launch rockets they built. H took the day off work and went. I was biting my nails worried he would oversleep and not show up, until he sent me a pic of the event. I was so happy, and S was really proud to have him there. H took his drone, I had to laugh at that, he is obsessed with that drone. Come to find out, it was a hit. He took video footage from above of the kids and the teachers just loved it. After, H went back with the group, had a picnic lunch and hung out in class until school was out, then spent the rest of the day with S. Big kudos to H for doing that.

I continue to lay low, NC and keep things short and sweet.

This weekend came the hiccup. I had my reggae festival yesterday. What a blast! Got to see my favorite band plus other great music all day, tons to see, fun crowd, it was really fun. Anyway, the plan was that H would have S later than normal, and I would pick up S after the festival if it was not too late. Otherwise, I would pick him up Monday morning and have him a bit before going back to his dads like normal on a Monday night. At least, I thought that was the plan.

H was thinking I gave up my Sunday night by going to the festival and he would have S all day on Monday since that is his normal day to have him.

In my mind, Monday is a holiday and would be shared. A definite miscommunication. H heard I told a friend I would have S on Monday and blew up my phone with angry spew. How dare I decide to take his day without asking him, how dare I decide this on my own, who do I think I am.....to make a long story short, there really was no one at fault here, just another day of not being on the same page. He even continued to badger me while at the concert.....my friends felt it was just drama because he was jealous that I went! Lol

I did good. I did not engage or rage back, I told him we did not communicate this well, but bottom line, S is expecting me either Sunday night or Monday morning. (As you know, S does not care for going to his dad's, which makes it all harder.)

I ended up getting S late last night and brought him home, S was so happy to see me. After all the hoopla, H didn't even pick him up until 3:30 today.

When H got here, I asked to talk to him real quick. First, I apologized for the confusion and for making him so angry. I told him no more bantering on text, I will not engage, and if there is a problem, just talk to me! No need to get so ugly about it. I went on to explain, to avoid this happening again, we need to get together a calendar and decide how holidays will be handled. I told him, with holidays, just because it falls on "your day" doesn't make it yours...they get handled separately. He said he did not consider Memorial day a holiday. Bingo! There was the problem, I do. I said another reason we need to go over this stuff, either on our own or even file for legal separation. He agreed it would be a good idea to work this out, but worried about the cost to do legally, do we need lawyers? I opened my big mouth and told him I spoke to a lawyer and we can just get guidance from them but do it through mediation. His eyes almost popped out, he did not like that. He said he did not understand what made me talk to a lawyer, what did he do, why couldn't I just talk to him. He said he feared lawyers because they will make us hate each other. I said, H, we are not going to be buddies and friends, hanging out together through this. He said, I know people who are. I told him, I just don't see that happening. I don't even know who you are anymore.

I said, can I ask you a question? He said ok. I asked him, are you happy with the choices you have made, are you content with your life how it is now and feel you are doing the right thing?

He thought a second and said, sometimes yes, sometimes no, I just don't know.

I must have made a reactive expression because He then said, do you? Do you know? Because you always are saying you are happier than ever and are doing so great.

I told him, I just want to know where this is going. We never talk about anything, this just keeps going on and on, and I want to know what is holding you back from doing anything legal once and for all?

He said, you don't talk to me about anything either, you don't tell me where you are at, what is holding you back?

I said, isn't that your place? You are the one who left.

He said, don't forget, you left too.

I said, and why did I do that? Because you told me you no longer loved me and didn't think we should be together anymore.

He said, I was being treated like a third class citizen in my own home. All your attention went to S, I was sleeping by myself, we had nothing anymore. You didn't want me.

I said, H, that is not true and I am so sorry you feel that way, that is not how I felt. Yet, I was not being showered with love and affection either, so was that because you didn't want me?

He said not at first, but things just became that way. I said yes, exactly, unfortunately, it was both of us. I said the thing is, I don't want to go back to all that, I don't want to go back there, I just want to put this all behind me and move on. I said, I just wonder what holds you back from doing the same?

He said, well, we should talk about this stuff, I am open to talking, you have never tried. I said ok, now is not the time, but we should get together, maybe have dinner or something, go over our plans. He agreed, said we can let each other know where we are at. I said yes, but first, do a holiday calendar for S.

At one point, he said everyone tells him he better hurry up and file, not to wait because it makes it worse and more expensive. I looked at him and said, well I hope I mean more to you than just a dollar sign. He said of course you do.....but I saw definite hesitation and uncertainty in his eyes. I certainly can't talk, I am no better by dragging this out for my own benefit.

He then told me, the only reason this even comes up is when you are mad at me. The only time you bring all this up is because you are mad. I was silent, he is absolutely right.

So, who exactly is DB'ing here? Who is giving who space? God, it's so confusing guys. I told my girlfriends yesterday, I would not wish this on anyone. Sadly, I don't see myself compatible with him anymore....yet...I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't say I am done, even though it's how I feel What IS holding ME back? I still feel I want inside his head and heart before I can. Does that ever go away?

I am exhausted and looking forward to going to bed early tonight. I hope you all had a good long weekend.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I am very glad to see that your h showed up for the field trip. He must have been in 7th heaven showing off the drone! He really needed to be a part of that field trip to show his son that he cared.

I'm sorry about the miscommunication, but it has opened the door for future discussions about how to handle visitation arrangements and hopefully to slowly delve into the murky waters of the separation.

I just shook my head about what your h said about others being friends, etc. My xh said the exact same thing after we had been divorced for 5 years. They think that even though you are separated and/or divorced that life should remain as it was and everyone be one big happy family or best buds. Separation/divorce can really change things for everyone, not just the situation, but the people themselves.

Well, it does sound like he felt left out after your son was born, but he doesn't get it...he could have been and still can be a part of his son's life and your life as well. Life does change a bit when a child comes into the world and it's not just about the husband and wife any longer. The family expands and you learn to love unconditionally w/all concerned.

I think that if you both are willing to sit down and talk a bit, it might help you both better understand each other. I would suggest going out to lunch or dinner, just the two of you. You could even meet up for a long walk or something, but I would do it on neutral ground whereby there are no distractions from the home front.

Overall, I think your discussion went well and yes, it did open up the window for some communication.

Keep moving forward...and that's my 2 cents for today!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thanks Job! I was hoping to get your 2 cents! I agree, this has opened the door to talk. I feel like we are both in a state of not knowing what to do. Someone needs to make the first move, I guess that's me, which I really hate. I get tired of always being the strong one....

I also thought it strange that he came off like I am the one who is not talking, not making a move and not deciding. It's like, in his mind, I am the one who needs to decide. Not sure if that is mumbo jumbo, avoidance of reality or plain manipulation.

First things first, the holiday calendar! I will get on that right away. Job, I love your idea of taking a walk to talk. I would feel way more comfortable and relaxed in a nature setting.

I realize I don't feel scared of the outcome. I didn't hesitate or feel anxious in talking about legal separation. I used to get major butterflies. When H left, he also kind of mumbled, I guess I should get a lawyer and looked at me. I just shrugged. I think it it would be a great thing for him to sit down with a lawyer and hear the process of divorce. It just may snap him into reality, or maybe cause some movement in him one way or the other. Again, I feel no fear of this and it makes me really happy.

Lastly, at one point when he was describing his misery with me, (eyeroll), he said he just wasn't happy. It amazes me how he continues to believe happiness is based on a person or thing. He just doesn't get it, what a burden to put on someone? SMH. But I made a conscious effort to just listen. the thing that sticks out the most in the conversation, I keep hearing it over and over, is..."you didn't want me". Breaks my heart, that wasn't true. I was overwhelmed with life.

Definite lesson in life for me, to adjust my priorities. I never want to make a person feel that way again, it's a terrible feeling we here are experiencing ourselves.

Thanks for listening and have a good day smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I think its tough when dealing with a MLCr .... the LBS of-course is the root cause for everything they fee right .. the hurt, anger you name it as far as they are concerned its us who was the problem. Until the light goes off and they realize that the LBS had little to do with their crisis there really is no sense talking about it.

Good news ... you have movement and gave him a very large piece of mental food to try and choke down. They can sense when we are done and moving on and its on them to push through whatever it is they are dealing with. You have handled this as well as anyone and continue to do so, as always I am rooting for you.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hi MLeigh, on the 'you didn't want me' theme - I wouldn't 100% take that one on. I'm sure in all M's there are times when we are stretched and forget to cherish someone. Times when we hurt and irritate our partner. It's part and parcel of living together.

Do take and learn those things that help you move forward and be the kind of partner you want to be in the future. However also recognise that there is a 'part' to own for your MLCer too. There were options available to your H that he didn't take up - perhaps because he didn't have the tools to do that - but his to own nonetheless.

Take care my friend and I am glad to read the place you are in xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I agree w/what Cali and Sotto posted to you. Don't take on 100% of the "you didn't want me theme" he's singing these days. That's projection and let's be honest, no marriage is perfect and still it's a choice whether to be a part of the family or to sit back and just let things slide. He should have spoken up and/or taken a more active role in the family. I have a feeling he just sat back and allowed you to take on a lot more of the stuff. Again, he had choices and he didn't step up to the plate. He is a grown man and if he wasn't happy at that time, he could have spoken up and maybe things would have been better for him.

The window has opened just a bit and it just might be the right time to communicate w/him, but don't take on the entire baggage. He's got 50% of that baggage to deal with too.

You are in a good place right now and please do not allow him to mess w/your mind. You aren't his mother and it is not your job to make him happy. He has to figure out that happiness comes from within and until he does, he'll never be truly happy. He's still got a lot of work to do on himself and you can't do it for him. Listen and validate when you have your talks, but don't allow those talks to make you second guess yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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