In the UK - PT 18 'Dark O'Clock'

[rd500]

Great post

[roist]

It is good to reflect and ponder on the situation as long as it isn't an attempt to determine THE magic thing you could do to fix the situation.

Most of what you wrote is great. One thing that struck me was W KNOWS how much you love and desire her. This seems completely opposed to the DB process.She is supposed to know that you lovED her but not at present.I admit I have not been able to fully go down that road but my situation is a bit different to yours.

Now that ye are separated I would imagine that her knowing you love her could prolong the situation IMO. You have shown her in many ways that you have moved forward. That is good. That is strong. But all that is undermined if she feels you still love her. She needs to doubt that or better still believe the opposite. I don't know how you can specifically do that, more than you are already doing.

On the net, on TV and in real life there are many stories of other concepts that have brought couples back together. DB says to do what works and experiment. Judging by the interactions you write about, IMOyyour best path is to stick to what you are doing. I don't think making advances will help you.

Not related directly but I wondered why you think W has not gone down the divorce route?

[Huddy]

Hi Roist

I see what you're saying. No, I don't know either! I'm having the kids for two weeks in a couple of weeks time, and we're going away for a few days. I think that is when it will hit her somewhat, not having the kids. She hasn't booked anything for them, so, it'll be the only real break they get. As I say, I am effectively 'NC' except for the kids.

Her car is due a MOT and taxing in July/August and I know that she isn't confident about that. Last year, I still did it all (yep, the nice guy trick doesn't work), but this year it'll be a simple 'no' - not nasty or anything just a no.

I haven't looked at any other concepts, but have seen some other websites which advocate the same as DB or showering the other spouse with gifts. I think we all know that doesn't work.

I don't know why my W hasn't gone down the D route. She had a solicitor until last August when she wanted a separation agreement, but she pulled that on her own. She was able to start proceedings in April, but hasn't done anything about it. As with most LBS's on here, the notions of what our spouses have going on in their head is probably totally different to what is actually going on.

[roist]

I guess that leaves us two things we need to give our wives: TIME and SPACE. Give abundantly! Unfortunately the time it takes for our Ws to come back around (if ever) is beyond our control and very slow. Most lbs move on before that happens, but cadet says most WAS do realise they made a mistake eventually.

Try complete NC when you have kids for those two weeks.

Best wishes

[Huddy]

NC already planned. If W wants to talk to the kids, and vice versa, then fine, but otherwise, just me and my young 'uns having fun!

[NDY]

Dude. How's things?

Thought I'd drop in and read up on you. So the MOT. Clearly another juncture for you to demonstrate your detachment. If it were me, and we don't even know if she'll even mention it but if she brings the subject up (I doubt she'll ask you to take the car to the garage directl) I'd just look surprised and say something along the lines of "is that a year already?" And leave it there. If she asks you directly to take the car to the garage I'd simply look a little confused and say "it's not my car!" And leave it at that. Saying No could come across as arrogant. Just my thoughts.

[Huddy]

Hi Bud! Could be worse!

Funny thing, but Arnold Clark called me today to get me to book it in for its MOT. As I was busy at the time, it went straight to voicemail. I haven't mentioned it and I won't. It's up to her to get her car serviced and MOT'd. I'm not her Dad reminding her to do everything.

I think your suggestion is good. Again, I have been thinking of the best way of doing this without seeming too cold. It's a very fine line to walk, so thanks for the suggestions - most welcome!

How's you?

[NDY]

Mate

That seems wrong to me. Withholding info just comes across as spiteful. I'd let her know in passing that they called. Something like "incedently AC called, your cars dues it's MOT" and take it from there.

[Sotto]

Yes, when I read this I thought the best thing would be to pass on that AC called with a reminder that the MOT is due on her car. And if she says - Huddy can you arrange that? Then you could just pleasantly - I'll leave that to you as you have the car now.

To me that's cooperative and gently conveying the message that you won't be picking up on stuff like this for her. If she pushes back with something like - oh, so you're not even going to help me with the car now? Then you could respond along the lines of - well, now we're S and you have the car, it's best you arrange that direct with them.

Hope this helps x

[Huddy]

As I said - fine line, eh? Will mention it wen I see her next.

Somehow, she's managed to get my SD to look after the kids on Friday night, as she told me she'd SD would be bringing the kids over Friday, as she was going out. Temp check? No idea, but as she's been mentioning this date since May, I guess it's not a date, but some kind of celebration. Didn't say anything, apart from OK.