Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
T
TabD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
Job explained I needed a new thread. The one I was using before was from the previous time I was DB'ing. I agree this time the situation is different.

we now know that my H is an alcohoic and has relapsed. H will be turning 40 this year and it seems as if he is going thru a MLC. H's OW is a 25yr single mother of a 5 yr old.

That is one thing we were happy about, our D's are both old enough to manage on their own. We can do things and go have fun the 2 of us. Well he is out having fun alright, just not with me. frown

I am trying really hard to just be his friend. extremely hard. I am going to Al-anon meetings and they talk about the same, be happy yourself, take care of you and family and DETACH.

I woke up on my knees this morning and was asking for guidance, strength and the right words to get thru today. I will go to bed on my knees as well, being grateful and thankful for all the joys in my life.

Im in a better place today then the past couple of days. C's have helped me and getting things off of my chest.

got news from a mutual friend of my H and I. she is a recovering addict as well. She stated that H reached out to her about having had better days and needs someone to talk to . Yay for H for wanting to start working on things. But, will H follow thru? all I can do is ask God for guidance for him and help him follow the correct path!


wife of an addict
M 39 H 39
D18 D 16
Together 19 M17
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Previous thread:

1 month to go


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
T
TabD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
Well today was mostly good. Had a good day at work. Then had about 2 hours to kill before going out to dinner with a girlfriend. I let my thoughts get better of me. I sat wondering what if.... why????? What did I do????

Went to dinner in was so nice to be with friends. I realized that I had let most of my friends go. I have decided I need to GAL!

My heart just hurts. Think it might be anxiety but not sure. I wonder if I should go see MD but don't want to really go on anything. I'm strong I can do this!


wife of an addict
M 39 H 39
D18 D 16
Together 19 M17
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
T
TabD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
Well crap. My D came home from work all mad. OW (if you call a 25yr old a woman) asked another coworker if my D was mad at her because she doesn't want that. They wanted to know why. OW said because of R with H. They told her H is married, OW said no , H has been divorced for a month. Uhm no, he only moved out of th house 3 1/2 weeks ago. No papers or nothing has been talked about. H still wearing wedding ring. Is she stupid or naive??? But that tells me that H is lying to her. But why????

D confronted H in private about "looking his girlfriend on a leash". H said its none of your concern. She said yes it is when coworkers start talking OT asking me about it! H didn't say anything. Just scoffed at D and walked away from her. I'm so pissed off at him right now. It's one thing to be doing this but Letti g it affect D relationship that is fighting words!!

I live this man when he is sober/sane. How do I handle this?


wife of an addict
M 39 H 39
D18 D 16
Together 19 M17
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tab,
If your h lied to you, do you honestly think he would be honest w/the OW and everyone else? MLCers lie all of the time. If their lips are moving, the lies spew forth. They are in denial of what they are doing. Their relationship is built on lies and the so called love nest is built on sand and what happens to sand when it rains? The love nest will fall. That's why it's important to allow the affair to run a natural course because 9 times out of 10 they are built on lies.

Now, about your daughter. There's nothing she can do about what her father is doing. The more she talks to him about it, the more determined he's going to be to do what he's doing and he's going to shut her down and distance himself from her. So, when employees question your daughter about the situation, she needs to advise them that they need to speak directly to her father. As she is not in the habit of discussing family business outside of the immediate family. She needs to get herself out of discussing her father and his affair w/the employees. She can be nice about shutting the employees down, but she needs to do it soon so that they don't continue to come to her for info to gossip about.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
T
TabD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
Job,
Yes i get that. Just didn't think H would lie to everyone, but I guess if H is lying to me , why wouldn't H do that with everyone. Thank you for reminding me, this is a disease/sickness.

I have not interferred at all or contacted H since C on Wednesday. i am letting go and letting God help H thru his situation. "detaching", is that what this would be called?

As for D, the R with H was already strained b/c of H drinking and other factors, which i don't truly know, built up anger or whatever from prior years where D thought she needed to be responsible for H if/when I wasn't there. before confrontation yesterday their only interaction was only at work, but i don't know if they will even have that.

I affirmed D that she has every right to be mad,angry,hurt,upset, etc. No one can tell her she can't feel these things and no one can take that from her. D is a very private person, so i know that this will not be an issue for her not to talk about H and OW Affair. My only concern there is that others will talk and she will finally hit her breaking point and implode or explode!

i am trying to work on myself. trying being the key word. i have lucid moments and then i have some insane moments. I think the lucid moments are becoming more often than the insane moments. Insane moments come when I don't have something to keep me busy. Tonight is going for a walk with a friend after work as everyone will be out of the house and I can't just sit there.


wife of an addict
M 39 H 39
D18 D 16
Together 19 M17
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
T
TabD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
Well I was just sitting at home visiting with a friend and out of the blue I get a text from H @ 830 (he had been at the bar since 4pm) so I can safely he assume he is drunk at this point.
1st text stated "what the h3ll are you trying to do". I went to respond and decided that better not to
then get this one "You are sending me into a panic attack. You not want me to be happy
Then this one " I want a divorce. I told you that in the last session "

Well I have no idea where this was coming from. I have not talked to
h sinc counseling. H has not text me anymore tonight.

Then D came home and said she told OW that my dad is still married and is going to marriage C with my mom. So I don't know that is what caused this because OW said that wow that is not what he has told me. I hope may e that this is the start of the end. I know I can't do anything but to pray. Also I don't know what to think about the text stating he wants a divorce he has never uttered those words before. Well 10yrs ago he did but we never separated them. H was always in the house. My anxiety is extremely high. My heart is hurting just trying to beat normally.
I went and got some melatonin to try to get some sleep.


wife of an addict
M 39 H 39
D18 D 16
Together 19 M17
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Well, the cat's out the bag and now the OW knows that he is still married and attending counseling. I'm sure she wasn't a happy camper. Sounds like your h was pretty down in the dumps and drinking to ease his pain and guilt. Don't bring up the texts to him. Just sit quietly and see what transpires in the next few days.

I wouldn't worry too much about the texts as he was in a bar and very unhappy at the time. He may not even remember what he texted you. However, if he is on the path of a divorce, then let him file. Don't do the dirty work for him.

Try to enjoy your weekend and keep the focus on you. I hate to say this...but...your daughter needs to step back and allow things to play out. She does not need to add fuel to the fire right now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
T
TabD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 341
Job,
Thank you. I guess I needed the reassurance that yes H was down and out and that is why H sent those.
I will not mention them or contact him today. I don't sit and wait for him to contact me either. When I do see his name pop up on my phone I freak out. It's such a whirlwind with his drinking that adds fuel to the fire.
Detaching is the hardest part as I know he needs help for the alcoholism. I'm trying with Al-anon and I'm going to attend an AA meeting for me to learn how more to deal with my H, the alcoholic. And working on the a support system for that situation. I am gaining more and more support from here regarding how to handle me and H moving out.
I am trying to find friends that are in the same predicament. To support and encourage. I'm afraid I may have to stop talking/discussing this with family and current friends not involved directly ( besides being my friends).
Am I wrong to "cut out" friends and family in the way of this? No I won't stop seeing them just want to not talk about these things


wife of an addict
M 39 H 39
D18 D 16
Together 19 M17
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I would suggest that you seek out one or two friends to talk to about your situation. The rest of your friends...stick to general topics an leave the relationship issues at home. The same would apply w/your family. The more you talk about what he's saying or doing w/family and friends, the harder it will make it for him to return to the relationship. Many of the MLCers find it is easier to just move on than to face the people who know about what he/she did during their crisis.

Also, people mean well and will tell you to divorce him, move on and take him to the cleaners for what he's done. Take what they way w/a grain of salt because they've not walked in your shoes and do not understand the situation that you are in.

If he contacts you, you don't have to pick up the phone or respond to a text message right then and there, but at some point in the day, you may want to return the call, but that's up to you.

Try to enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard