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Quote:
I've revealed to her that I have a Dr appt today taking the mystery away from that.


AndrewP,

Now is the perfect time to reveal the intended sex change as well.

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Call Me Drew, great rival for Kate.

Very true about saying that we're detached. The only time that we will truly be detached is if we no longer talk about our WWS. We talk about ourselves, our thoughts, our beings. I've had these moments over the Las few weeks so I know that I can get there permanently.

We've got to give back when that time comes and reflect back on this most painful and priceless journey.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Originally Posted By: doodler

AndrewP,

Now is the perfect time to reveal the intended sex change as well.



doodler - I just rediscovered my balls. No way I'm giving them up now.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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AndrewP,

But hey, it'd be a 180 that your wife never would've expected.

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Well - if I typed what I'm feeling it would be all censored out. W has recently started sending me texts and letting me know where she is and who with. Positive sign I thought ....

Well last night she told me that this Saturday night she's staying with OM. She never mentioned OM in words just that she was going to be away overnight and I made a point of saying that I wasn't asking where. I know that this happens but it hurt to have my nose rubbed in it. The overnight think I suspect has only happened maybe twice since the PA started in February so this would be a big thing for them. She explained that she was telling me as being part of being open and honest. She could tell that I reacted like a punch in the gut but I didn't say anything cruel out loud. I told her that I appreciated the honesty and that the waiting for her to make a choice was giving me a lot of pain but that I would wait until there was no more hope. I then went upstairs and slammed the door to the MBR.

On BD I did ask her if she intended to continue the A and she said yes at that time so I really don't have much of a leg to stand on other than my boundary that OM does not come on our property.

This morning I was (and still am) angry. I was originally going to be petty, petulant, angry and mean but decided that I was better than that. When she came down for her own breakfast I was if not cheerful, at least friendly. I did make a point of mentioning that I appreciated her being open and honest and hoped that it would continue but said that her plans were a "punch in the gut" to me. She gave a vague apology and I said that sometimes punches in the gut happen when there is truth. One thing that has crossed my mind is that this might be a sort of "job interview" for OM as her new sugar daddy. Or it may be a result of him pushing for more. Last night I heard my wife's loud snoring through the wall between our rooms and that made me feel a bit better.

Since things are seeming to go in a bad direction I also took a chance and called my SIL and explained under strictest confidentiality the situation which was a complete shock to her. I know that this is strongly not recommended but I think it was the right thing to do as I'll point out shortly. I then suggested that she work with her H to get the visit between him and my WW that my WW had said last week to me that she wanted to talk about our sitch. SIL confirmed that she knew they wanted to talk but that it hadn't happened and that she would make things happen quietly and discretely. I'm hoping this does happen because WW has great respect for her B even if he had an A himself. It might help her get her mind around where she wants to go and let us both move on in some sort of direction.

No 2X4s right now please - I'm full of a lot of hurt.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Andrew,

I'm not telling, I'm only asking. Why does she still live in the house. Have you told her to leave? If not, why not? If you have, how did she respond?

I ask these questions because she is openly having a PA and even rubbing your nose in it. For most people that is the worst betrayal of your marriage possible. Why are you letting her eat cake?

Again, I'm not saying you should kick her out, I'm more or less asking if you have thought about it.

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How did your doctor's appointment go the other day? Did you get tested?

In response to your last update - I'm not surprised she's told you she's staying with OM this weekend. This is what I meant by how you're in the friend zone. She's comfortable sharing things with you just like she would tell a friend.

I'm sad that you told her, "the waiting for her to make a choice was giving me a lot of pain but that I would wait until there was no more hope." You deserve so much better than to wait around while she has a relationship with another man. You're choosing to wait for her. That is your choice. I hope you're still working on yourself as well. Have you sought out another counselor?

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Originally Posted By: tjcran
I ask these questions because she is openly having a PA and even rubbing your nose in it. For most people that is the worst betrayal of your marriage possible. Why are you letting her eat cake?

Again, I'm not saying you should kick her out, I'm more or less asking if you have thought about it.


Andrew,
I second TJ's opinions. You need to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand.

Relying on hope alone is not going to get you any where. Last week you were mind-reading and felt you were on the cusp of recovery, and asking only for people who have successfully R'ed to teach you how to piece. Part of detaching is to see reality as it is.


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Originally Posted By: tjcran
Andrew,

I'm not telling, I'm only asking. Why does she still live in the house. Have you told her to leave? If not, why not? If you have, how did she respond?

I ask these questions because she is openly having a PA and even rubbing your nose in it. For most people that is the worst betrayal of your marriage possible. Why are you letting her eat cake?

Again, I'm not saying you should kick her out, I'm more or less asking if you have thought about it.


Absolutely I've thought of that. If I would throw her out it would (in my mind) destroy any chance of reconciliation and make me the evil one to her and everyone else including S22 and D24. I have told her on several occasions that she is welcome to leave if that is what she wants - either to go to OM or to be on her own. Right now - of her own free will - she has unpleasant accommodations so she is feeling some loss every day. I am sure that it also hurts her to see me around every day trying my best to do my own GAL but reminding her of the betrayal. I think the "rubbing the nose" bit was a misplaced good intention on her part. She was certainly not gloating but was following her own plan of being open and honest which is a plan that I support even if it did go sideways here. My own plans often go in odd directions. She definitely does not want to leave the M or our home - not so much because of cake eating but because my mind-reading powers tell me that she is truly conflicted over what she wants and doesn't want to close the door firmly on that life. For example I once made an offer to cancel some rather expensive life insurance we have on me to give her a nest egg to start over with. She was absolutely horrified with the thought of something that final (I'd never get another similar policy) happening. She has made herself a "very" big mess and I don't think she can find her way out of it. I'm trying to give her space to get her head clear and hoping that there are enough positive influences around for her to make up her mind, ideally to stay and rebuild our M or to leave and find happiness elsewhere. I do confess to trying to manipulate it indirectly by trying to make her talk with her B happen - which is something she said she wanted. As long as she doesn't see my hand in that it may help. To date she's refused to go to therapy but I know she's investigated it.

One other thing that I've not really talked about here is that yes - she has betrayed our marriage. However in addition to being my wife she has also been my best friend for more than half of my life and she is also part of my family. At our age a spouse is more a friend than a bed-partner anyway. And for me, you don't abandon friends or family if they make a mistake even if they have hurt you. Does that make me a door-mat? Maybe. Does it make me an AndrewP that feels good about doing what he believes in? Hell Yes. I will continue to express my hurt and disgust about her A but since she - as a grown woman - has said she wanted to continue it I cannot stop her and throwing her out would not stop her either.

In the mean-time I will use that most precious gift that MWD talks about - the gift of time to try to heal myself and then possibly our MR. It's very hard to do though and the pain can be overwhelming like it is today.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
One other thing that I've not really talked about here is that yes - she has betrayed our marriage. However in addition to being my wife she has also been my best friend for more than half of my life and she is also part of my family.

And for me, you don't abandon friends or family if they make a mistake even if they have hurt you.


- Do you believe that she has betrayed only your marriage? What about your friendship? Is this the kind of person you would want as your friend?

- There is a difference between abandonment and detachment. She's going to live her life as she chooses. But why would you want to let yourself repeatedly get hurt? At some point, enough has to be enough. Let's go back to basics. What are your goals? What do you WANT?

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