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I have the same struggles, Ahmeds. I will say the extreme crashes have lessened in frequency and severity but they still happen. I still find my mind wandering to OW sometimes and forcefully stop myself. I will start to recite verses from holy scripture, replay a song in my head or start complex math...anything to stop wasting head space on a person who isn't a fraction of my worth.

I think OW are truly broken people, they are willing to take scraps instead of a whole meal, like a stray dog starving for leftovers. Meanwhile you and I are queens, we settle for nothing but the best. We hold our heads proud and our spines erect, we are faithful and kind. I think you will understand this next line, we are Kadijah and the OW is less than a right hand possession.

So chin-up sister, and work on making yourself someone that only a fool would give up.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Good morning ahmeds,

Wanted to give a drive by hug, and see how you are doing.

(((ahmeds)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Bumping this up for ahmeds' readers to help refresh their memories of her situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Ahmeds,

I read your post on the other thread, and I wish I had some words or instructions that would remove the emotional pain you are feeling. But it is a process. And it will take work and a PMA.

For starters, if you are struggling with depression and anxiety, please see and MD or a psychiatrist and discuss your situation and options. Maybe an AD can help with this. Trust me I know the spinning feelings that you are having. They feel real and are debilitating. Maybe an AD can balance you some so you can really implement DBing with a PMA.
Time. It will take time.

There is a saying, that if you are already in hell, then just keep going. It applies here.

Keep posting, keep reading, there is lots of support here. It can give you some strength, but you will be doing the heavy lifting.

My support is here for you. My prayers are for you. And I have come from where you are at and know you can survive it, if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, so please look down and take a step........

Hear my cheers

Feel my support

Follow the advice of those here, that have walked the path that you must now follow.

You got this.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SadSara, your reply made me smile! I love what you said, and took some encouragement from it, so thank you!

SadHub, thank you so much for continuously checking in and giving me words of encouragement. I truly appreciate it.

On another note, although I am new to this forum, how awesome would it be if there was a retreat for all the people on this forum who are struggling and helping each other out! It would be so cool to meet some of you in person.

Today was a good day for me, but yesterday was awful! As part of my GAL attempt, I adopted a kitten from a shelter who is very loving and sweet. I always loved cats but could never get one because my H is so allergic to them. Also, I am planning a trip to go to the beach next week. It'll be a solo trip, but I am really looking forward to it because I love the beach, I just find it so relaxing.

I did want some input from people here on something else...Sometimes my H acts as though we are not going through a D at all. During our marriage, we were always very playful with each other, and had a lot of inside jokes. When I do talk to him on the phone, he says some of those inside jokes, and plays around like old times. A few weeks back when he came to help me move some furniture into my apartment, he even initiated a push up contest, again, just a way of being playful because that's the way we were for most of our relationship. I've brought this up to him in the past, about why he acts so normal and yet is still going through with a divorce, and he says he's just trying to be nice...I see it as mixed signals. Sometimes when he acts this way, it gives me hope that he will come back to this marriage, but I'm afraid that hope is bad for me because I know at the end of the day, I'll still be let down. I just don't understand why he acts normal, and then later hands me divorce papers.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but we separated in November of 2015, and since then while seeing our therapist, we made a lot of positive progress, and he was showing signs of commitment. We even went and looked at houses together, and discussed where we wanted to live, but out of nowhere, he talked to me about moving forward with a divorce because he just cannot connect to me emotionally. Another thing I find a bit odd is that he has not told anyone that he is going through with a divorce. He even has family visiting from out of town this Saturday, and he hasn't told them that I won't be there...He said that he was going to "surprise" them after they got there, and tell them that he was getting a divorce.
Is it just me, or is this odd behavior? Despite the affair, and all the lies my husband has told me, I still love him very much and pray every day that he will wake up and come to his senses. I signed the divorce papers and gave them back to him, but since I had such an awful day yesterday, I asked if he could delay turning them in. He was okay with delaying it, but he's only delaying it until next week.
My H has been back and forth a lot with this idea of divorce. He claims I manipulated him and forced him to stay with me when he wanted out, but I truly believe he is just conflicted.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I'm glad I have a place where I can get open feedback. Praying things get easier for all that are struggling with marital turmoil.

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Ahmeds,

I am sorry you are going through this. I just want to offer support. I will read your sitch as soon as I can.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Hi ahmeds.

I'm caught up on you sitch now, and, again, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are here. Your H's signals are very confusing. My H sent me incredibly confusing signals for the first 3 months he was gone, and I let myself hope. I even started to tell people, 'H left me in December, but I think he's coming back.' Well... My hopes were decimated after that and I was much worse off than if he had just left me and never said another word.

Hope is a double-edged sword, and I have learned that, for me, hope was my enemy. I lost 3 months during which I could have been starting to heal.

Remember that you shouldn't believe a word your H says right now, and that means you can't believe either the good OR the bad. Don't get hopeful because he throws you a few crumbs. Don't be devastated because he spews some poison in your direction. Consider the source, and know that the source is no longer credible.

One thing I will absolutely stress to you is how important it is to go see your doctor and talk about what's going on in your life. I saw a doc very very early in this process and I have been seeing her regularly ever since. Initially she gave me meds for anxiety, and then when I started showing more signs of reactive depression I got started on anti-depressants. In hindsight, I wish I had started them sooner. When H pulled the rug out from under that hope I had, I crashed big time.

That was the point at which I started reaching out in every possible direction for help. You need to do the same. Be willing to do whatever it takes to get the help you need. Reach out in any way you can. Sorry this repeats my reply to you on my own thread.

There is one other thing you need to know, ahmeds. Anything you feel right now is completely normal. When you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, or anything at all, acknowledge your feelings, know that they are normal, and let those feelings pass through you. Don't fight it or try to stuff the emotions down. They will only get stronger and more insistent. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn. Its OK to be sad. Let yourself feel it.

If all you want to do is lie in bed, then allow yourself to do that for a day, knowing that you will get up, shower, get dressed, and do something different the next day.

Your heart is broken, but you are not. You are a normal person going through something that is incredibly difficult and painful.

(((ahmeds)))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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One other thing. I forgot to tell you how to set up your signature.

Go to: My Stuff menu, then Edit Profile. Scroll to the bottom of the information options, and you will see a box on which to enter your signature information. It's a great way for people to see a quick summary of your situation.

One other thing, one I think you're already doing, since you found my thread and posted to it: read other threads and post to them. Weave yourself into the fabric of this community by reaching out to others. Choose a few threads from people who are at different stages in their relationships than you are, follow them, and offer them your support. Everyone here could use some kind words, and they will do the same for you once they get to know you.

Use your thread as a journal, too. Write here to help yourself, whether to sort out your thoughts, or to remind yourself of the progress you are making.

Hugs.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 35
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ahmeds Offline OP
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Thank you so much Phoebe for all the advice. I have seen a doctor and I got medication for anxiety and depression. I have actually been taking less and less of it though because I've been learning how to manage myself a little better, and I don't feel I really need the medication as much anymore.

One thing you said that has stuck with me is that I cannot believe anything my H says, the good or the bad. I think what I have been doing is not believing the bad, but believing all of the good. Hope is definitely very dangerous, it's hope that makes me backpaddle and undo any progress I make. It's very difficult to talk to him, because I try my best to be normal, and as soon as I get off of the phone, I crash. Communication is very limited now, and I try to avoid it, but there are logistical things that need to be worked out, so we have to speak every now and then.

I've never been a very confident person, so this whole situation has just brought me down even more. I've been reaching out to a lot more people now, and that seems to help a little, but nothing fills the void the way it would be filled if my husband were around.

The thing that causes more anxiety than anything else right now is the fact that there is a possibility he will end up with her. I don't know how to get that thought out of my head, but I honestly believe he left me so that he could be with her. It was a pretty intense EA, and they expressed their love for each other...they talked about where they were going to live together after they got married...I honestly think she's the reason why my marriage fell apart.

Starting a new day at work. Today may be a little tougher than yesterday. I couldn't sleep much because I kept thinking about his life with this other woman who was once my good friend...

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I'm glad that you've reached out to your doctor for help already. I wouldn't go weaning off any antidepressants right now, as you are still in the thick of things, and will be for the foreseeable future. Given how long they take to get to effect, I'd just hang int here and plan to stay on them for at least another few months. If they aren't' causing you side effects, then they are a good back up security plan.

I can't imagine how awful it mush be to have the OW be a close friend. You are dealing with two very distinct and separate betrayals, and together they add up to so much pain.

We all want to believe anything good that our spouses say. It makes us feel a bit better. It gives us hope, but you need to resist that urge. Nothing they say is reliable right now, and no relationship is possible when they are with another person, either in an EA or a full-blown PA. They are checked out and will say whatever suits the situation at the moment. I never imagined my H could be such a gifted liar, but there he was, saying whatever was expedient and would avoid additional discomfort for him.

Hang in there.

(((ahmeds)))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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