Turning Point

[PacLove]

Previous Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2671153


Been a pretty good week so far of DB, tempted to snoop on Tuesday when W was home but resisted the urge, although I think she may have seen me watching her leave last night. Been distant communicating only when she reaches out and often delayed.

I believe I'm at a turning point - maybe not quite an awakening but a realization that I need to change, GAL, and modify my behavior around my W. I've also had a deepening in my Faith in the last week - growing closer to God. I came across a great quote (for those of you religious here):

"Patiently wait for the Lord to act on your behalf. Spend this time apart from your spouse to grow closer to the Lord through daily prayer and Scripture reading"

This morning was been particularly rough as I woke up really missing her in the bed beside me. Perhaps it's because I have family coming tonight and know she wont be around. I opened myself up to prayer and found it helpful but tears have been flowing this morning.

Goals for the weekend - have fun with my family visiting, pleasant interactions with W when we cross paths, no snooping and more time spent in prayer.

_________________________
Me: 39 W: 45
T: 12, M: 10
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/3/16
EA/PA Discovered (ex-Boss) 3/23/16
EA/confronted admitted 3/25/16
W Moved out 3/30/16

[Rick1963]

Hey Pac it is tough very tough. It has been almost 5 years for me and at times I still struggle to understand. Yes finding God is a good thing. GAL yourself silly but also learn to enjoy your alone time. Learning to be ok alone will help you heal from this crazy experience. And I'm sorry you are here. But know that you will make it and will be happy again. Give it time and be good to you.

I cried to work and home every day; 87 miles commute each way for many months. This will pass ok...

Be strong and confident when you see her. Look good and happy. Think of a future without her. See what that looks like. Take care

[PacLove]

Lots of anger last night and this morning... W original asked to switch Wed for Thursday with D as she had a "work event". I was ok with it as Wed worked better for me anyways this week.

I got suspicious of what she might be up to last night when she said she was at an event and couldn't call to say goodnight to D at her usual time. I didn't snoop but did recall her asking me about one of my favorite bands a few weeks back and that they had a concert coming up. So I went online to check and sure enough the concert was last night and I now believe she may have been there with OM. Feeling anger she would choose to be there with him over me.

I know we say that they have hurt us as much as they can by choosing to leave and having the A, but these little events just dig deeper and deeper into the pain.

[bigybiz]

PacLove: Good job at recognizing the turning point. The hard part is we want to see what is around the corner and we can't. Don't snoop and don't try and get info out of her.

The common theory is to act like you don't care and see if she offers anything up.

Try and keep it on your terms.

[PacLove]

Thx. Yeah I'm tempted to ask her tonight how the concert was or have the band playing on the stereo when she comes home but I don't see any good coming out of that.

For the Catholic's out there check out today's Gospel reading.

[PacLove]

How are others on here dealing with their Anger - yesterday I was filled with sadness, today anger is raging... I feel I just want to lash out at my W (yes I know don't - it will only make things worse) but I need to do something to unleash it.

I already worked out today that helped for a bit, I'm eating but I just can't stop thinking about how much she's hurting me right now. I'm boiling inside.

[WSB]

Read, meditate go for a run just stop stewing in your emotions they will only get you in trouble

[SH_]

Yes, what wsb said.

You have to actively engage your mind into something positive.
Acknowledge the emotions, but pass them through. Your mind can only stay focused on one thing at a time. Decide what that is.

Anger has its place. But raging anger does not benefit. Vanilla has a good thread on different types of anger. Check her thread and ask her about it.
White anger is good. She can better explain, but meanwhile hang in there, switch to a PMA, and have a good evening my friend.

[Jzmill]

PacLove,

I have been feeling that way as well, angry, sad.. I want to scream and cry at my H and let it out. Anger is tough to check and have slipt a couple times. I do best to check it when H is around and not so much when alone,

When you mentioned your W and plans, that they dig deep in the pain. I know what you mean. You may be feeling ok and then --Bam-- the plans are a constant reminder where they are not. My H tells me has plans w/ work ppl and knowing colleague he has feelings for involved is tough. It is taking his time and energy away and painful. As mentioned this is a good place to vent and get support.

[Vanilla]

Paclove

SH asked me to check in on you as he values your support very much. I wanted to read your threads first as I prefer not to welly it.

I can see you are struggling with anger.

There is a process called the Kubler Ross Grief curve, please can you Google it. That's the info bit.

One of the stages through loss and grief is anger, and I for one am very pleased when I read anger as a feature for a poster as it is the end of denial and bargaining. It marks real shift. Shift is different from change. Change is reversible, shift is a position that once you know you can never unknow. It also tells me shift is possible, many posters have stucknees for many years, it leaves them to repeat. Anger says I am substantially a healthy individual in a bad sitch, it bodes well. It is very good news and an indicator the DB process is working for you. You put in the work and anger is the reward of shift. And it is a reward even if it does not seem so.

That point of shift happens suddenly, it's vast movement. And it sometimes never happensfor posters, they resist it and lose the pivot point, the point at which the rocket to the moon boosts out of the atmosphere. It is the fuel.

The event which triggers shift is spell break. Knowing WW is at the concert was one such event, in an instant a light bulb, shift. Knowing that her children come below her selfish A need and OM is shift. It isn't the A that caused it, it is that knowledge that she truly is that selfish and lost. There is nothing you can do about it but observe it and get on with your life and being a great dad.

You, a dad put your kids first, that will mean your anger is as much for them as it is for you.

Anger is good, it is one of the prime emotions. You can't and shouldn't stop or apologise for the feelings. If you want to understand this, I recommend an amazing children's Disney film Inside Out. Go watch it. Make it something you do and then watch with your children, there is much to be learned in it, much metaphor and analogy.

You can love and be angry, you can be sad and be angry, you can have disgust and be angry, you can even be happy and be angry. Any of these emotions in combination.

Having the emotion and acting in accordance with your core values despite feeling anger is where emotional maturity lies.

So you have anger? Watch that anger and observe it.

Where in your body does it come from, what colour is it, it's consistency, does it move, block your throat, make your head pound? You can observe and monitor it. You can know.

There are many types of anger, a little like Red paint can be tinged with other colours. Add black and you have maroon, brooding anger. Add blue and you have regret anger. Add white and you have directed anger, strong directed determination of palest of pale pink. Add green and you have brown anger of envy, and finally add yellow and you have the orange of disgust anger. (These are typical for most, know your own). Anger can be tar like, stuck. It can move quickly round your body, like a wasp. It can blind you and raise your blood pressure. It can be cold and make you unattached from your actions (very dangerous).

You know that unattached is different to detached don't you? One is don't know, don't care and the other (detached) is observer as in that's interesting. I am asking you to move to detachment, get to mindfulness observer mode with your anger and know it's type and what is does for you. Oh yes you can detach from any emotion, you can be mindful observing and have the emotion. That's mature.

So pure Red anger may lead you to actions or words you reget, some things can never be unsaid. Whitest anger will motivate you with love to determination and positive action.

The amazing Zues and I had a very long discussion about anger, Zues is a poster who uses his anger to motivate him, to achieve. He is a master of observation, he detaches from his anger to become a winner, uses the emotion to fuel success and focus. I love Zues attitude to life (it's a secret so he must not know!). I recommend his threads to you. Anger can be powerful for change, justice and just sheer guts. It can be every day sort of grit too.

My anger isn't very strong as an emotion, it's not blocked though, my main emotion is sadness. I wished I had the gift of anger, it's precious so use it. This part of Kubler Ross is motivating. Please use it. So your plan for your anger? Let's see that if you want more shift.

These are my thoughts, I would like to see you describe this anger and what you will do with it. If you would like we can help you hone this gift.

V