I'm not in limbo - we are moving forward with the D. Per attorney it will take a minimum of 6 months if everything went as smooth as possible and that isn't likely.
I will make the sacrifice for my kids. If I move back in and that forces her out then the kids will be devastated. W has been their primary caregiver their entire lives. She was a stay at home mom much of the time and works some part-time now.
What does your lawyer say? In my experience divorce typically ends up with a 50/50 division of assets. The arguing comes into play in terms of how to value everything, but the split is usually non-controversial.
Child support is a state formula, and alimony has some guidelines but there is also some negotiation.
If the house is your biggest asset, you may want to consider selling it and splitting the proceeds. I understand that you want to keep your kids in the house if possible, but a house is just a house. As long as they have an environment where they are supported by a loving parent they will be fine in a different house/townhouse/apartment.
Try your best to avoid responding emotionally to what your wife says/threatens. It really doesn't mean anything and arguing with her is fruitless. Work with your lawyer on a settlement you would be comfortable with and then leave it to the lawyers to negotiate.
As you may know I am divorced, so I have gone through the process. People can have a good relationship with their ex post-divorce, and they can also emerge with a crappy relationship where neither parent can cross the other one's threshold.
The best thing for the kids is if you can come through this process feeling amicable toward one another. To do that, it will be in each of your best interests to be generous. If you can each approach the settlement from the perspective of generosity you'll feel better coming out.
Don't be taken advantage of, but don't sweat the small stuff either. Realistically you need to have enough to live on, and you need to have a safe place to live with the kids.
I have 50/50 custody which means the kids live with me half the time. If you can get that I recommend it.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray, That is really good D advice. Sounds like you are able to achieve complete Detachment enlightenment. Somehow I don't see myself ever getting to that "amicable" stage though. I guess right now things are just so raw and bitter, and I don't see the D process making it any better at all. How were you able to overcome that? Every time I got an email from my D lawyer my blood pressure goes up, I was afraid any time my cell phone chimed with any incoming email during the heat of the first negotiations. It's always been a steady stream of bad news, at least in my eyes.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
You are right - things will be divided 50/50 and child support will be based on the state's formula. I'm having a tough time right now because I am out of the house and experiencing an upside down life and for her everything is business as usual.
I'm totally okay with the kids moving. I completely agree that the kids need a loving environment, whether that is a mansion or a dumpy apartment, it doesn't matter as long as the parent is a good parent. She, however, is determined to stay.
I have committed myself to being amicable and do not want to have this morph into a battle and create bad blood between us forever more. I've been biting my tongue on several issues and my tongue is starting to bleed.
Good man tjcran, you will forget the bloody tongue pretty quickly whereas deep scars last a long time.
Don't be fooled into thinking that business is usual for her -- this is stressful for her too I guarantee.
She can be as determined to stay as she wants, but that doesn't mean she will get to.
Stay strong, you'll get through this can come out happy again.
CWOL I do have complete detachment at this point. W could run naked through the center of town with a group of cabana boys and I would laugh and wish her well. I am not impacted at all by anything she does or says and spend zero time thinking about her. That's not to say that I'm bitter or angry, the opposite in fact. If she needs a favor, I'll help her out any time, but from a feelings perspective there is just nothing at all.
I was able to overcome any ill feelings for a few reasons: (1) both W and I were generous through the D process -- I tried to argue to give her more than she was asking for and she argued to take less, (2) time heals most wounds, and (3) I've been in a new relationship for over a year now.
Starting a new relationship with someone else when you're ready is great. You learn again that you have a ton of value, that you're attractive, and with your new DB relationship skills you feel very confident about what you bring to the table. Armed with that confidence and validation, you can look back on your marriage, own what you did wrong, but also see how your spouse contributed to the breakdown. On DB folks tend to take too much responsibility in many cases. That's fine while you're in it because it provides motivation to change, but longer term it's not healthy because you have to give yourself a break.
No one's perfect, and most people cannot be "fixed", but we can all learn better tools for dealing with whatever challenges we have, and that's what it's all about.
Stay strong
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
The latest: I've been feeling better and better each day. Looked for permanent housing today. Sad that I will be downgrading my comfort level substantially. Exciting that I will be establishing my own place!
I've seen a change in the kids. Today, when I told them the nxt time I would see them is Friday, they both asked why they couldn't see me tomorrow. This was great since W has been telling me that kids haven't been asking about me or anything. They probably haven't, but they obviously miss Dad.
Also, when W came home from work the last two nights she doesn't even speak to me. No greeting, barely a grunt when I tell her hello. I don't need her to be nice to me, but it makes me wonder if this isn't going so well for her. Tonight she didn't even greet the kids when she came home. WTF? I can tell I'm detaching more and more since I didn't even care that she didn't say hello. I noticed it, but it didn't bother me.
Working hard on GAL. Been lifting pretty hard for over 2 weeks and I can already see a difference. Going to happy hour tomorrow with a friend. Excited about getting a house (even if it is a rental.)
IC stated that I'm on the "fast track" to getting through this. She feels I'm doing lots of the right things and I'm thinking about this correctly.
I will see my W's parents for the first time since this all started. I know they know we are getting a D, but I have no idea how my W has portrayed all this to them. They do not know about OM.
Part of me would love to have a conversation with them and tell them that their daughter has had two affairs, both of them after she bore their two grandchildren and that she expresses no remorse. Part of me would love to tell them that yes, their daughter says she wants to do what is best for the kids, but in reality she ignores the kids so she can talk to OM, (I've lost count how many times the kids were begging for her attention and she was oblivious because she was texting OM.) Oh, by the way grandma and grandpa, your daughter's OM is suicidal, alcoholic, drug user, gun fanatic, and was recently part of a violent street fight where he was stabbed. Yes, yes, I know, I'm not perfect, I used to get defensive and I had a difficult time figuring out how to emotionally connect with her, but, I'm college educated, I have a great career, I am stable, no criminal record and I don't drink or use drugs or even smoke. I asked your daughter to try and work on our marriage many many times over the years, I admitted my mistakes and demonstrated meaningful change and committment to our vows. She concluded that her unhappiness was my fault and has turned to OM since he promises a life of happiness.
What do you think? (If you can't tell, there is a wee bit of sarcasm in this post.)
I feel your pain. My in-laws and my wife's side of the family have only heard my wife's rendition of our marital issues (I'm Satan and I don't like my wife's special friend). I'll probably never tell any of them anything about what happened and why; I think it'd fall of deft ears.
I'm guessing that my wife will dig a deeper hole and the truth will slowly percolate to the surface.
