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#2679168 05/20/16 07:03 AM
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speeder Offline OP
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Hi, I'm new to the board but certainly not new to MLC. Last month I received BD#2 more than 6 years after the last and could use some support. This first post is some history, Second is my current situation.

TIMELINE:
7-09
Out of state OM entered our lives through online role playing game. Our sex life increases, W puts funky colors in her hair.

11-09
Bomb drop, EA as W loves him and spends hours online chatting with him. Writes erotic fiction of their characters and themselves. Skypes with him.

12-09
At Christmas party my sis-in-law says "Get a lawyer" which W overhears. They to this day have never spoken since, nor has W ever returned to a family gathering with me.

1-10
We see lawyers. I refuse to leave the home.

2-10
We separate as W leaves, moves to out of state apartment her dad owns.

3-10
She drives to OM has PA but OM apparently drops her. W is deeply depressed.

4-10
I get invited to her family Easter, accepted by most. Sex between us resumes. Still living 130 miles apart, we meet to exchange kids.

5-10
We go to Jamaica with her best friend (BF) and other H (significant as other H is the current alienator!)

6-10
I lose my job/massive back step. D talks resume.

8-10
Four sons move in with W in a new townhome while I'm still unemployed a state away dealing with our old empty home. Stay with them sometimes sleeping on couch.

9-10
I find work in W's town, abandon our old home, "Bring your dresser." Tell kids we're back together. W won't share master bathroom with me.

10-10
W gains a huge slew of friends, and introduces herself with a new made up name (Seer character from one of her stories). A name that to this day she uses and has a jewelry making business under.

5-11
I find letter to a new local OM about her crush on him. He's soon dropped along with his W as stalker creeps.

8-12
Move across town and it feels like a fresher start to an old farm home we're renting.
Tattoos acquired between BD and now: 8. Hair colors: brunette, blonde, blue and purple

10-13
Hair is finally back to brown! She no longer dresses like a pinup model. She retook me as a friend on Facebook too.

3-14
One of the biggest difficulties is knowing when she wants to be alone and when she wants me around.

4-14
She wanted to wear her hair in a mohawk and she drew swirlies on her face, no doubt to impress a certain married party guest who admirers warrior chicks.

5-14
W expresses anger with my facebook usage as my posts are 'bragging to make me look good to the ladies'. She drops me on Facebook.

6-14
I finally figure out how my relationship works. My W and I are in different rooms each engaged in our own activities.
A) If I'm feeling a bit W deprived I go find her and join/hang around whatever activity shes doing.
B) If I'm feeling a bit W deprived I go find her and shes wanting personal space and shoos me away.
C) If W is feeling a bit deprived of me she either gets sad/mad in the other room because I won't join her or drops in on my activity to cry or bitch because I "don't want to be with her" (and join whatever activity shes doing).
D) She keeps to herself 'cause she doesn't care' outside her own activity
the missing option...
E) Her joining me whatever I'm doing

7-14
First time since 12-09. W comes face to face with many of my family as my grandmother died and W comes with me to my Uncles for 1 hr. Afterwards we visit her BF and other H (these two are VERY significant in current events) whom we'd not seen since 2-10

8-14
W is just an angry irish, insecure, temperamental, jealous, woman. I am friended on Facebook.

11-14
W complains of me disrespecting her and that I need to step up around the house.

2-15
W bought purple hair extensions which reminds me of the past color extravaganza.

6-15
I get home and W is drinking and dancing and very flirty. I do notice her texting a guy friend.  Something just feels off, so I grab her phone and go to bathroom to scan her messages, while shes busy with pets in another room. Despite her having texted the guy moments ago there is no history of messages to him. Deleted.

9-15
We go on overnight trip with her BF and other H. Play naughty truth or dare in hotel room. The usual drinking and fun, but W puts on an act when they are around. Wearing devil horns one night even.

12-15
W continues to wear purple hair extensions from time to time when her BF and other H visit from neighboring state. W posts on facebook everytime she's drinking (and by no means is a frequent drinker, besides wine) but presents a persona of being a beer drinker.
We bought a house, our first since the abandoned property 5 years ago. I can barely afford it.


M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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This year:

1-16
We have her BF and other H over and there is lots of drinking & dancing in front of our fireplace. We've known them 20 years. (Unknown to me, other H is falling for my W). In a confiscated letter way back in 2009, W admitted to OM#1 she had feelings for her BFs H.
My best friend and brother come over for the third weekend so W goes to her BFs overnight. (Unknown to me, the other H confesses he loves my W)

2-16
We're having a backyard fire and invite friends over. W started drinking at 1 pm. Her BF and other H came over at 2 and we all proceed to drink casually. W and the other H are very similar and BF and myself are very similar. There's always some flirting fun and foolery about. We've known them 20 years, taken trips together and generally done lots of fun outings together. Despite all the laughs and suggestive sexual innuendos, no line has ever been crossed. We've all been married 25 years. W and the other H casually turn drinking into a competition and get wasted. They both sit outside on the front porch talking while best friend and I talk inside. I tell BF they better slow down. At 7pm the first guest arrives and by 7:30 my W is passed out. I help her to bed and she pukes on the floor etc. The other H naps on the couch and miraculously revovers to enjoy the party as the other guests arrive and I explain W is out for the night. Other H goes into our bedroom to check on my W too. This other H... It seems like everything my W likes, he does too. He had always been quiet on Facebook but now he actively shares stuff with her, likes her photos etc.
In February, we had sex more often, close to double the norm. It hasn't been this frequent since her EA prior to BD in 2009. We did have a romantic three day, two night Valentines Day getaway which contributed though.

3-16
W assembles a playlist of her favorite songs (reminded me of her sharing songs with OM #1 prior to BD in 2009).
(Unknown to me PA occurs when W and other H meet halfway to talk and end up in hotel). That evening I help W with an event she was teaching. She asked me to take pictures with my phone as hers was dying. Mine was too, so I grabbed hers later and was surprised to see a lock screen on it. A week ago there wasn't one. I acted dumb. Struck me as odd.
St. Patricks Day, W and I were both home when BF and other H arrived. Drinking again resumed and was heavy as the four of us had a wonderful home cooked meal and  listened to music and even danced. At times we'd couple off for small moments. A few times I was aware that it shouldn't take nearly 5 mins for the two of them to go to the garage for more beer. One time I saw W giving a weird drunken smile to other H. She drank too much again and didnt remember a large duration of the previous night. The four of us did some shopping and that night went out to eat and see live music. The next day we all went for a hike. Afterwards BF and other H went back to their hotel and W and I got cleaned up and had sex (she told me to casually bring it up in conversation). Perhaps to set the tone shes irristable and that kinda girl to the other H? Following lunch we split up with each others spouse and talked. A lot of different subjects and relationship talks. BF asked me if W left if I'd be okay? Absolutely I'd be fine. I pay for the house and I am the source of my happiness. I wouldn't want W to leave but I'd not be crushed if she did. I thought to myself there's no way W would give up her life, pets etc to have a relationship with other H. he's just an emotional fantasy at best. Saturday night W had to teach a 2 hr jewelry party so the other couple went back to their hotel. I was not to see them again...W recieved a text from other H, that BF and he were fighting and they drove the 100 miles back home and immediately separated. NF in the house with S19 and D22, and other H at his sisters.

4-16
W passwords her computer and says 'I don't know what she needs' and 'I don't get her' and 'I will never be able to understand or give her what she needs'. I asked her flat out to help me and she says she's done and tired of trying. I asked her three questions to fill in the blank.
I NEED YOU TO... leave me alone
I WANT YOU TO... stop touching me
I'd RATHER YOU NOT... pout and complain

A search of W's computer produced this letter to OM confirming PA. Written 3-26-16.

Quote:
Last night you sent a text to me. “…still thinking of you.” Still? Still. So it’s finite—after only a few days. Curt. Ungiving. Unloving. Something you send to someone who’s nearly meaningless to you. And I deserve this? I guess you feel I do when it turns out you end up resenting me because you’re blaming me, consciously or otherwise, for the turmoil you’re in now. But I didn’t do this to you, you did. You allowed her to have her say, now it’s my turn.

This lunar eclipse energy is all about showing you what you need to see. I meditated with my group, and we were told that we may see things that we won’t want to see, but that we must see, in order to best serve us. And I have seen.

I have seen that what there was between us is far different than what I believed. Soulmates. I think I have been very, very wrong. And I feel like SUCH a fool. Do you laugh when you hear me use that word? Soulmate? Was it even a concept you had any stock in?

There were so many signs I missed in my fervor to believe someone would love me the way I crave. When I really thought about the balance of our “relationship,” it is not so balanced at all. What risks I have taken for you! I have made you beautiful things, several of them—pieces of my soul. I have no pieces of your soul. You have given me none. No risk. Not even the shirt I asked for. Too much. I didn’t expect anything from you, of course, but when I think about how it was important to me to give you something of me to keep with you when I couldn’t be near, I realized it that it was important to me that I have reciprocity from you, that I needed you to feel that too. But you did not. Even the rock that you had found on a walk, you presented to me in front of your wife and she touched it first—you handed it to her and then she to me. How symbolic. How did I miss that?

That day we met—I kissed my husband goodbye in the morning and hello back at the end of it. Your own spouse wasn’t even home that day. No risk. Why did you need to leave so soon, you had no one to answer to! You had adult children in the house who most likely didn’t really even notice your absence. Are you that monitored, that controlled, on that short of a leash that your wife still needed to know your every move, even when she wasn’t home? Or did you make it up as an excuse to leave after you got what you came for? I came home completely destroyed by that experience, in terms of giving you all of myself and for the lying that needed to happen for me to be able to give to you. All risk. What did you do when you got home that day? Have a snack? Watch a show? Or lay in your bed and cry, the way I did?

I think about the most intimate act there that day, when you were ready to cum inside me. You didn’t face me--you quickly turned me away. How did I miss the import of that? What volumes that speaks to me now. I wish I’d figured this out sooner. Gods, this hurts to realize what it was for you, compared to what it was for me. Fool.

My house—my  home, my sanctuary—is filled with the residual energy of our passionate kissing in many rooms. My fireplace is ruined by the energy of you playing risk-taker in front of your sleeping wife, who wasn’t so sleepy after all. Is that what that was for you?? The thrill of pushing it to the edge and not getting caught?? There’s the risk, finally, eh? Ugh, that’s awful. Now I am haunted by those memories every time I walk through my home. How to get rid of that?

Even my Dunes, my sacred Dunes, are tinged with the ugly energy of competitiveness and selfishness. I wanted to share them with you, not with her. You didn’t protect or even acknowledge that. Because it didn’t mean anything to you…again, I missed that. Instead of wanting to share something sacred of mine with me, you were looking to knock out a physical challenge, so you could say, been there, done that. I believe you even said something to that effect when we were driving back. And of course she just wanted to piss on my territory and prove to you that she could do it, that I have nothing over her. That she could follow you, as you told her you wanted. How do I get rid of that?

So I am a catalyst, the prompt you needed to shake up your marriage and make it what you want. Or, perhaps, to end it. Who knows…certainly not I.  I am not someone who you feel the need, the desire, to communicate with. “Sorry,” you said, to have been “fairly uncommunicative.” No, you’re not. It’s obviously a choice. That’s the great part of a “relationship” that’s pretty much virtual. You pick and choose when you want to deal with someone and when you simply make them go away. Click.  Even this ending will be easy. Read this, delete it and be done. You won’t see me ever again. You won’t have to. So easy. I’m the easiest thing you ever had, in many ways.

I feel that I have been loving, kind, patient and compassionate towards you, through it all--What do you need? What can I send you? Are you okay? How do you feel? However, I find your actions towards me are neither loving nor kind. How awful to feel like a pest, an afterthought, a pain in someone’s ass. Oh, throw me a scrap, a word, a thought every now and then! firetruck that. I am better than that. I am worth more. I deserve better. She was very correct in her assessment that you are a selfish man. That I can see now, now I see why she said that over and over through the years. You feel what you feel, and can see no one else through that. I have no idea how that works, it is not something I am capable of, and I am very sorry to have chosen a second man to love who operates that way. Obviously a life lesson for me. Fool.

The one thing I told you you could hurt me with the most, you have done. Shame on me for giving you the key to shattering me, and then being surprised when you used it. Love, to me, means that you do everything in your power to not hurt the other, and especially not with The One Thing. Cruelty, in its most exquisite form, is exactly that: Use The One Thing to hurt them. Cruel man. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

That sound, that sound I doubt you hear, is the sound of my heart breaking in a thousand pieces. I want you to hear it. I want you to know that you firetrucked with--profoundly, deeply and severely firetrucked with--a real person with real emotions and real investment. Now I must figure out how to--how did you say it--shovel the pieces back in.

I know I’m supposed to thank you for the lesson here, for the very, very cruel lesson of giving myself to the wrong person. Yet again. Fool. But I don’t feel thankful right now. The only word I have for you is, goodbye.


The comment about passionate kissing in the house was hearsay from what I had said but it could've been. She adamantly said she'd never have done that in our home. I guess the fundamental cause of the fling was how they both felt they never had time to talk without BF being around. The desire to pursue this nagging draw towards each other that had been building for years. My hate for this man burns. The relationship between the four of us is gone. I then got ILYBINILWY
We also talked about W just being done with me. So very done as she pointed out trust failings of mine the last few years and I agreed they were ways I failed her. I had to step outside myself and see her opinion and see that yeah I do suck from time to time. Its easy when things fail to point at the infidelity but happy women don't cheat. She is such a well spoken person. Her tone was calm and reasoning throughout
When the light went out she said "I'm sorry." and I too quickly said "I forgive you." The last time I remember looking at the clock was 3:09am and sighed a relief she said that.
The next day W drove to meet her BF and confessed it all. W dropped me on Facebook and we all took weeks away as BFs family and friends have flamed her. W has told everyone she knows its because of my mistreatment of her and she wants D. I have confided only in my best friend and a coworker. I had for years been trying to restore the fragile relationships between W and my family and am not going to reveal until I have to at D.

5-16
We are in IC and have gone once or twice. W still lives in the home with myself, S14 and S16. She goes to her brothers at bedtime 3 miles away to sleep. While at the house I try to keep away, be busy, and remain dim or look for outings to keep away. W and I are for the most part civil towards each other except when she corners me for relationship talks from which I work on empathy, agreeing, understanding and acceptance. Every few days it's the same thing as she tries to justify her guilt and shame. S21 and S23, who share an apartment together, are 100% on my side and hate her for what she's doing. S23 issued an ultimatum he will not speak to W until other H is out of the picture. She replied "so be it". BF and I have talked some and she intitially did everything wrong-I sent her some links and she says she has not seen other H in over a month as he has not seen his kids either. Other H and my W have been together in March prior to BD and once since (overnight as my nephew confirms the night she didn't sleep there). W is not close enough to any friends to stay overnight, having never even been to their homes.

W will not do any paperwork, apartment or D until July 1st as she respects some astrological planetary retrograde happening right now. I am hopeful she goes the route of getting her own apartment first and D is second. She plans to get her own place in town to still be near the kids, but yesterday mentioned moving to FL to be with her dad and quitting her job. She is not a good saver and makes less than 26k a year. The house we bought has no equity and is a struggle to own. W is fine with me having it and kids living there. She will not stop her affair as they love each other.

She mentioned earlier this week I would not see her tonight, hinting a rendevous with other H. If not this weekend than next holiday weekend for sure for infidelity time #3+. It is my preference we can R, or I can outlast her EA/PA by standing and remaining dim/dark.


M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2679252 05/20/16 10:45 AM
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I can't believe I'm going through this again! In a small way I blame the home we moved into. At the last place our computers were just feet apart in the same room, and we would spend evening surfing and chatting together, but since buying this house on Dec. she has an office/jewelry studio upstairs with a door and I have my desk down in the living room. A similar situation to how it was in the old home and BD#1. I find a bored and left alone woman can really get into trouble.

I do not have the DB/DR book yet but in the meantime I have been pouring over this. The simple idea of it being nobody wants to divorce someone on their side. Someone who uses empathy and agrees with them. Who engages in non-threatening small talk to imply no conflict in the ability to talk. It's all about reverse psychology and as I like to say "Chances are very good in winning a race when your opponent doesn't know you're racing." In this case the underlying jujitsu.

Don't defend yourself, learn to shut-up and walk away. (Advice I certainly need to follow as once again last night I was corned into a relationship talk, which ended badly. It all started out as happy talk). I feel as if I'm performing far better than with the first BD and OM, but this situation is entirely a different beast. I'm hoping the BF can have some effect on her side.

Eats me up inside to know W pursues this affair with OM and there's really nothing I can do about it. I've thought of having one of my sons friends (who lives in IL) set nails behind his tires to dampen next weekends overnight trip with my W. ARGH!

Last edited by Cadet; 05/20/16 10:49 AM. Reason: per forum agreement outside links are not allowed

M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 13
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Happily W stayed local and is just out with friends, I assume? Having 100 miles between her and the OM is helpful. I can't see them making it work indefinitely but I do see W trying to keep the affair and stability of the marriage intact. She unleashed a comment or two in monster mode and I just gave an answer and walked away. She left soon after.


M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 13
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speeder Offline OP
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This morning I took Ws pillow off the bed and put her books from the nightstand back on the bookcase. She wasn't happy I touched her stuff.
This morning W came over and relayed she was upset that I implied there were things she could do to make us work. I said irrelevant as that's not happening. I did want to drop the line yesterday and did that there were prerequisites should it ever occur (not the best thing to say but I wanted to get it in her head, that I wouldn't just take her back). A small paving the way statement to sit in her mind. She started to pull me into relationship talks and I said I have to go and left. I did have plans and had an AMAZING time! I just this morning found out about a hiking group and joined and went and stayed over 5 hours. There were 19 people and I hung with those I could see myself being friends with. A guy who is D and a year younger than me and quite cool. I said we'll definitely get together. Also two women who were also very cool. One I liked the look of just scanning the group members prior to the hike and we hit it off well and talked. The other woman is a psychology major, twas her birthday, and we really got along great! We talked music unlike anyone I know and could talk with. I told her whats going on and she was like the person I needed to meet... talking of retaining my personal power and persuading me to not run back to W to meet the time I said I would return. She was like my own counsellor and we traded numbers. After the hike most went to lunch and I sat and talked more and stayed an additional 2.5 hrs past what I told W.
Upon getting home she was gone. She had cleared the bedroom walls and the bathroom counter of her belongings. When she arrived back, I immediately took S14 to his brothers place and hung out there awhile with S23 and my nephew. I passed W as she was leaving the subdivision, looking real nice and figured out she's driving far with her bestie and another woman to some beer tasting... Not expecting her to be saving money... needing a bed n such soon.

It felt great to meet people on my own and i can totally see hanging with them and calling them friends. Not to the degree of the friends in IL. whom I've known since grade school, but decent, fun, attractive people who can talk.

Tonight I am going to an observatory to look through a large telescope at Mars. The guy going to be there is a friend of my Ws however the invite was extended to members of a group I'm in, so it bypasses her. There were times in the last few years I thought my W had a thing for the guy but he's been a good friend to her and has come over plenty... although with how the other H turned ya never know. I had in the past pictured my W ending up with guy if I ever died. Don;t see it these days.

Overall the day gave me confidence to see, that yes there are intelligent, attractive women out there who are fun and genuine and that I can make friends, given the opportunities. I'm gonna be alright. One day at a time.


M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 13
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I am literally out of breath today and need all the help I can get! Lost another 2 lbs. Down 40 this year.

I want her to be on her own a few months prior to filing. How can I delay the D and insist on a lengthy separation? Advice or just let her call the shots? BF texted me she had a 'good day' with other H and he indicated he and my W are going to WI overnight Mon-Tues. Seems there must be something the LBS can do to inhibit the affair? I am so out of my mind this am, I'm thinking of giving my W a flat tire or two (she can't change it on her own).

W hasn't colored her hair in at least a year and the purple hair tape in extensions haven't been seen in several months (last appearing when BF and other H visited in Jan.). My W did wear a purple wig to our neighborhood Superbowl party. Struck me as really odd as we recently moved here and she chose to wear that during our first encounter with our new and mostly older neighbors. Actually talking bad about her helps me detach. Living with crazy, although interesting and adventurous is unsettling.

I know he's young but I did give S14 reassuring I am there for him and let him know that his mom and other H had 'been together' as he knew the other family was in turmoil but didn't know why. I kept it short as I had never spoke to him about this by asking what he thought was going on. I didn't say much else except I loved him, wanted to keep the family together and not have a D, but his mom is unhappy and needs out. Unrelated but he is now taller than me at 6'4.5".

Her coworkers and family use her real name. Her friends and her jewelry making business are under the made up name (who was a mystical seer in one her stories back in 2010). She did something clever on FB to mass untag photos of her. She switched her last name back to mine and then reverted to the made up last name which dropped all photo tags. I just recalled over Sunday dinner she said I tend to become an a$$hole on weekends but during the week I am fine. (A direct relation to her misbehaving ways). I didn't see it but that's her perspective.

I now feel her affair will outlast my M which just sux. Makes me feel suicidal, but I know the kids need me. I'm trying to understand that my feeling of helplessness is not really so, if I continue to improve myself and be better in that area as I cannot control her. I know I'm in charge of my own happiness but it's hard. Damn do I miss the woman she was. Sorry... tearing up. Difficult morning in my head. I'll be better when she gets her own place and isn't by 3 hrs every night.

It comes down to this. I really don't believe in D and she is planning to make me a product of such. A label as offensive as smoker, that is being applied to me. That is why I have to point the finger.


M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Originally Posted By: speeder
I really don't believe in D and she is planning to make me a product of such. A label as offensive as smoker, that is being applied to me. That is why I have to point the finger.

We all come here for that reason.
This place is called divorce busting.

The best advice I can give is to detach and let go.

I know its hard to get your head wrapped around it all.
Sometimes no matter what we do the best thing
we can accomplish is to live a long, healthy and prosperous life.
It is the best revenge.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2679885 05/23/16 06:30 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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Completely agree with Cadet. Revenge is never a good motive for doing anything Revenge as a by product of living a good , happy , content life is a different matter

Like you and I would assume others , the temptation of revenge can feel good but realistically in 10 years time you will want to look back and know that you acted in gods faith and have a clear conscience

Just my humble opinion. And remember Buddas classic teaching , Karmas a bit@h !!!!

Take care. Rd

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