Toast - burnt or just right

[CWOL]

Rich,
SadHub is right. Don't overthink things. Ride the waves as they come. Your D will be fine, it's really up to you how your D perceives things. My S11 adjusted quickly and he is fine, although he is still sad that mommy isn't there to do things with us as she has been for almost every activity for the past 11 years. But he understands that it's instigated by WW and not me.
I'm fighting the sadness and resentment just like you, they cycle through constantly. The relief comes when I focus on other things like work or my son's games, they bring me great joy to see my S11 happy running around on the field. I mark my calendar with his schedule to focus happy thoughts around him. Find something like that for yourself to get through the tough period.

[rich4j]

thanks CWOL/Sadhub.....

Have only been posting in supporting others but hit a bad cycle this week with knowing now what I suspected months ago in that she has someone else she has been seeing and she is in total denial. But it doesn't matter now and she hinted at things didn't get started until after she filed so she is "clean"

Ugh. And hit a lonely patch....it will be a year of this up and down come end of summer.

Rich,
But he understands that it's instigated by WW and not me.
I'm fighting the sadness and resentment just like you, they cycle through constantly.

CWOL- question? Did you have the discussion with your S11 that his mom instegated this? How did that go?

We are trying to be civil about this part of things as my D is young (turning 7) and leaving it as a "we" decided versus the latter. Not sure if that is something I tell her in the future but it will be spun anyway that I was the reason for the split no matter what.... Kills me

[SH_]

Rich,

Check out MWD video on telling the kids. She says that you should come clean on who is leaving. Kids will find out eventually and IMHO the truth is best. Now you still want to be respectful when doing it and not make it a blame game, but saying we decided is not accurate.

[rich4j]

thx..I will check it out

I hope to get back into my zone that I have been able to stay in for the most part over the last 2 months or so in not getting into the tailspin of sorrow.

I recall many on the board giving me advice of the "other man" that could be in the scene which I couldn't nail down but suspected. I guess sometimes you want to think the best of your partner but it has become painfully clear what she has been up to.

And I found more "stuff" today that she has been having relations with this guy which hurt like you wouldn't believe becuz it became too real for me. Had a good cry and was hard to look at her in the eye as we pass each other in the house....

To top it off my daughter had a total attitude with me as if I didn't exist. Hard day and knowing that she will be "secretly" seeing him this weekend eats me up

Getting closer to being done so just have to keep the focus on how best to tell her and get my life in order

I hope everyone is having a better day than me today!

[CWOL]

CWOL- question? Did you have the discussion with your S11 that his mom instegated this? How did that go?

Yes, I followed the advice of another forum which advocated exposure. So I exposed to S11 at the same time I did to several of our close friends and family.
S11 was sad at first but it had already been three weeks since D-Day, when I confronted my WW about her EA. So he instinctively felt something was wrong. However, he is pretty mature for 11 and he felt sad and teared up a little. But he said he was glad that I told him the truth. It was a very traumatic time for all, but I'm glad I told him the truth. My WW was intent on burying things as just chalk it up to the 50% of marriages that "grown apart." I did not want to lie to my son as she swept it under the rug.

[rich4j]

thanks to both of you

I did listen to MWD video and I have issue with it just because of my daughters age and the mindset of my STBX. She is in denial, defensive and blames all the worlds issues on me so I can never see her going for an approach that puts her in the crosshairs. She would be defensive and say "your dad is at fault..... "...maybe not to her in front of me but definitely ongoing.

I do see my therapist tomorrow as I have struggled with the recent exposure of the full on cheating I ignored and how to work with my daughter thru these tough times. I don't want to lie but also know my STBX would never agree to this approach. I would need to do it solo and let the chips fall where they may....perhaps once I move out to bring the truth to the forefront.

[CWOL]

My WW tried to shore herself up after she learned I told S11. She brought the three of us together, and wanted to explain that we decided to split up, but I interrupted her and told S11 remember, it is WW's decision alone, I was more than willing to work things out with WW as long as she cut OM out of our lives. She got livid of course. I was not going to have any of the "we decided together..." BS. I wanted my S11 to know what is right and what is wrong, and he got the message very clearly.
In the end, no amount of explaining by WW can overcome the true facts, and I feel that was very important in my situation.
Your situation is probably very different due to your D's age, but I wouldn't dance around the facts too much. Children have a way of figuring things out, and you don't want them to get a warped distortion of reality.

[rich4j]

thx cwol...yes...a bit different but I do want to explain it to her...just not sure how/when.

My STBX would respond "daddy didn't treat me well and was mean to me. Remember the time he made me cry?" My daughter remembers a fight we had where she was crying which made me feel horrible for both. It was just another one of our arguements filled with drama coupled with her drinking too much where she started to cry and woke up our daughter years ago but it sticks in her head.

I am worried I will be made to be the boogie man and bad guy if I go the full truth route. Thinking I keep that wrapped up until i move out and when/if she asks will you and mommy get back together I could say " It wasn't my decision to split up ...that was mommy's...so I would say no" Or something like that...

I am sure it would get back to her and the world would errupt but will worry about that day when it comes :-)

I couldn't sleep last night which was a new one for me as I have been OK for a few months now but the reality of her cheating and hard core evidence makes me sick to my stomach. Hard to even look at her this am

[rich4j]

I did talk with my counselor and she agreed that due to my daughters age, telling her the real truth about who pulled the trigger would not make any sense right now and believed the truth will come out sooner or later and as she gets older she will get it

Also she knows my STBX well and said that it would escalate into a bad situation where she would blame me for everything under the sun and could turn my D against me. I agree...

I also take my hat off to those who have been going through this because of PA's! I had my head in the sand about my situation and although she may have only started a full blown PA after filing, there was soemthing going on for a while which was definitely at least an EA, and it makes me sick now to my stomach! I could not even look her in the eye this am......

[rich4j]

Just journaling as I needed to get back to the boards with confirming that all this time I was fooled in my own mind thinking there was no EA or PA.

PA was on after she filed for divorce to help ease her conscious.

Really have struggled lately after being on the upswing the last few weeks preparing for my new life. I am still DB'ing as much as possible regardless of where this goes as the more contact, the worse I feel. I am also trying to disengage from her social media stuff as she continues to post stuff about her travels and fun everywhere.

The hardER part is she looks better than she has in the longest time (probably becuz she is now with a new guy and paying more attention to herself) and seems to be so much happier while I have all this pending huge life changes like getting a new place to live, shattering my daughters life and me constantly worrying about how my D won't be happy with just me....I am pretty insecure that way even though she loves being with me.

I keep hoping for her to hit a pothole and get a wave of sadness and regret this late in the game still but again I know its not happening. It just hurts...and is super lonely while she is not. It's simply not fair but I know the deal....just venting.

Have a great day folks.