More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hey there, SadHub! I haven't had a chance to try the chocolate meditation yet (still need to buy some), BUT I did buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's and demolished half of that, instead!!! not sure I did it mindfully, though.

So my appointment with my therapist was OK, well, good, I guess. I talked about the MeetUp experience from Monday, and then I just managed to finish going through my loss history graph. I still have yet to be able to get as far as talking about the more general trends or themes that I had noticed - the bigger picture stuff. I had really hoped to start working on that today, but I guess that's something for next week! I wish the appointments were longer.

After the therapist I had an awesome hike. The trails in the nearby state park are really making me happy. I love all the ups and downs and rocks and roots! In fact, as I was walking today, I was thinking that it was a terrific place to train for long backpacking trips. I wish I'd found it sooner. Anyway, I can actually work up a significant sweat on the trail, which is hard to do in this area. I carry a little hydration-type backpack, and my shirt was soaked through underneath it after an hour. Who needs a gym, eh?

The Audubon meeting was tiny and really good. I got to ask specific questions about my property as it pertains to preservation of one specific species. I got hints on how to site a house, how to encourage nesting on the other fields, and how to adjust the haying schedules to best ensure nesting success. It was great!!!

And then, (this is for Sotto who gave me a challenge last week) after the meting I talked to one of the attendees for another 30 minutes! Sotto had encouraged me to linger and talk to someone. Well, it didn't work last week, but it went well this time around, though he actially came up and started talking to me, so I don't deserve much credit. He grew up in the area I live in now, and was curious about the place. It was good to talk to someone with similar interests and concerns. Too bad he wasn't 30 years younger! He was a cool guy - a maritime ship captain, actually.

So, that's a wrap. I have Benadryl onboard and I am yawning, so I'd best take advantAge of it!

Merry May 18th, y'all! 'Night 'night.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe - gold star on the challenge...well done! Xx Good for you getting out and about and extending yourself, it's the way to go for sure...

[Phoebe]

Why, that you Sotto! I like gold stars.

Had trouble sleeping again last night, so finally gave up and took extra meds at around 2:30, read a while longer, and then finally dozed off. I really don't like taking anything that late int eh night because it means I don't wake up until correspondingly late int he morning.

So, now that the morning is totally gone, it's time for me to get something accomplished. I'm thinking that more brush-hogging fis in order, at least few hours. I ought to be weeding, too, but the brush-hogging has a more specific time frame. It has to be dry for multiple days before I can get out to work because the soil has so much clay in it here. It's supposed to rain here sometime soon, so now's the time. Getting stuck is no fun, and I did that a couple days ago with a smaller tractor - my big tractor would be much more difficult to extract.

So.... changing into work clothes, and then I'm off to the tractor races!

Have fun today, and be careful out there!

[Phoebe]

Yup, another 4 1/2 hours of killing g invasive roses, and I'm feeling like I did something useful - improving my land and making it a better habitat for wildlife.

Even better, my friend stopped by to visit just as I was driving the tractor back home, so we sat in the swing and talked over some seltzer. It's a little chilly today and breezy, but it was beautiful and sunny - a perfect day to look out over the fields with a friend and chat.

Beyond that, there is not a lot going on, and I really like it that way. I'm busy, I've been feeling pretty happy, and there has been no contact form my WH in weeks, and that means I stay on a level keel. I'm having fun and really digging my heels into this property and making it mine. I know that I have my head stuck solidly in the sand because I am choosing to just let time and distance pile up, but I feel so much better in this mode that I fully intend to just keep it up for a while, just doing nothing that has anything to do with H. No lawyer visits, not initiating a divorce, not contacting him, not a damn thing beyond working on myself.

At some point I am going to have to go back inside the circus tent, but not now. I have been feeling so much better since I've been removed from the circus. I can go hours without H even crossing my mind, and that is lightyears from where I was just a few short weeks ago. I laugh when I'm out with my critters, I can talk to people without H entering the conversation, I am getting on with my very own life, sans the H.

I don't know that I even want to hear from him again, really, and I'm not sure what I'd say if I did. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Meanwhile, I hope that everyone has a good night's sleep and gets some peace and quiet from any and all spouses.

Happy May 19th!

[ahmeds]

Hi Phoebe,

I really enjoyed reading some of your posts, and I love to see that you've made progress. I have been stuck lately, and I feel like I have major ups and downs. I'm pretty new to the forum, so I'm not very good with the abbreviations yet! But, my H had an EA, and I found out about it last year! I stuck around and tried desperately to save my marriage. By the end of the year, he wanted to separate again, and currently he is filing for the divorce.
I am only 29, but I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt, and I really have no idea how to start over. I love reading that you were able to pick up the pieces and find things that make you happy, despite the fact that you still struggle from time to time. I pray that God gives you the strength to continue to get through each day. If you have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it!

I am not sure how to make the signature like other people...but here's the breakdown of my marriage

H: 30 Me: 29
Married: 4 years
No Kids
Walked away: 2/27/15
Came back: 6/1/2015
Walked away (again): 11/2015
D filed: 5/2016

[Phoebe]

Thanks for reading my crazy entries. I'm all over the place sometimes, too, though mostly I'm on my own little funny farm.

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been dealing with all of this for so long, ahmeds. The single worst thing is the uncertainty. I think it is something that people aren't well-equipped to handle, and it leads to terrible anxiety.

I know what you mean when you say that life came to a screeching halt. For me it was like my life was a basket that had just been turned upside down and all the contents went rolling away. I had no idea what to do. Actually, I still don't really know what to do. I just try to get through one day at a time. Sometimes I aim for just getting through an hour. Lately, I'm doing OK, and am actually having a lot of genuinely good days. I still remember my very first good day post walk-away, though. It wasn't very long ago, actually. A couple days later I crashed again.

I guess what I want is for you to know that good days will start to come your way again, ahmeds. It doesn't feel like they will ever come, but as you begin to heal, it will happen. Know, too, that there will still be hard days, too, but at some pint, the good days will outnumber the bad ones.

In the meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself as best you can. Reach out in any and all directions right now. Reach for family, friends, reach out to your doctor, find a therapist (I see a psychologist), take meds if your doc thinks they are appropriate, find a grief conselor, talk to a spiritual advisor if that helps you, find a support group. In short, do whatever it takes to help yourself. Forget about taking care of your H, or worrying about him and what he's thinking. He is beyond your control and trying to mind read is useless. It's beyond any of our powers to get inside another's head. Don't bother.

As much as we want our spouses in our lives, it is beyond our powers to bring them back. They come back, or not, on their own. The only person who is absolutely going to be with you every day of your life is yourself. help yourself in any way you can right now.

I'm going to go find your thread and give it a read. I hope you get some sleep.

(((ahmeds)))

[BluWave]

Hi!

So, did you ever finally watch Funny Farm? When I read your posts, that is the property I am imagining :-)

So you can listen with your eyes closed and identify all those birds at once!?! My jaw practically hit the keyboard when I read that.

You continue to impress me with each week--your tenacity to overcome this adversity, your knowledge of all things nature, and your tremendous insight and personal growth.

You inspire me!
-Blu

[Phoebe]

Hi there, Blu!! You flatter me. I'm just a local kid that likes to know what's around me.

You know, despite my use of the term funny farm, I had forgotten all about the movie! It's in my Netflix cue at position #3, but I'm watching so few movies these days that I haven't gotten there yet. I watched more more when H was around. Now with my evening commute to my sleeping quarters, I'm not watching more than one every couple weeks.

Yeah, I can ID a lot of my local birds by sound, and all of the ones that regularly hang around my house. It's really nice to be walking around and to know what's overhead, even if I can't see them. I know the local frog and toad calls, too. That's probably a bit more unusual, but there are only something like 5 or 6 species locally, so it's really not much. I just like to know what's around me. I like to know the trees, too, but they're usually silent. With trees I like the challenge of identifying them by their bark, rather than looking at the leaves, so I can walk down a trail and have a feel for the whole picture. I'm a forest kid, and I grew up prowling the woods. Being outside is very healing for me, so the more I'm out, the better.

S tooday I'm off to do more cleanup work. While brush-hogging I hit a bundle of barbed wire yesterday that was lurking in the brush. It's the hazard of an old farm. They used to just chuck stuff everywhere. Luckily it didn't wind around the blades, but it did fly into a lot of pieces. And it made a lot of SPARKS!!! I got all the big pieces of wire yesterday, but today i need to go back with a magnet sweeper and finish the job. Livestock, if it ever roams this property again, has a bad habit of ingesting pieces of metal, and you can imagine that's not a good thing.

It's always something, right? I also found a tire on a rim and a separate tire rim, and some other metal, but that was at least easy to pick up.

I am definitely making this place my own, H or no H. This land is my home, even if the house I reside in is as far from my dream home as possible. That said, it's dry and warm, and I don't have a mortgage. Priceless.

So, I hope that everyone has a good day.

[1gr8dad]

Phoebe thanks again for dropping my my thread.
Good for you for your progress on your home!
Hope you have a great weekend.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

Just a quick check in to let you know that I am doing great and my d17 had an awesome graduation. There was a little hiccup, but it did not phase us to much. I hope to have a few minutes to get an update on my thread, as I have been busy having a good time and only a few minutes here and there when checking in here to help a few others in need on the boards.

I want to catch up with you, and at a glance you appear to be doing well and getting some work done.

I'll catch ya soon later tonight I hope.

Did ya get a chocolate meditation in yet?

You have to get on that if you have not