To answer your questions, you wait as long as you want to wait. You are the only one that can determine when to file, but I don't think you are ready to do so if you are asking this question. If he's in crisis, it's going to take many months, even possibly years before his crisis is resolved. If you were to ask him about the relationship and/or reconciliation, you may very well get answers you do not want to hear. It could very well push him into filing...is that what you want?
For now, be a friend, listen to what he says and sift through the conversations and you will discover things that you weren't aware of. If you can be a good listener, don't ask question...just listen, he may open up to you. They do love to talk about themselves. You started out as friends, then be a friend again. You will need to dig deep for patience because this is a marathon, not a sprint and it takes a long time for them to get through this crisis.
Keep the focus on you as much as you can. Keep your expectations at zero for the man you knew is gone and has been replaced by his mirror image. Live your life to the fullest because time has a way of slipping away and it can't be recovered at a later time. If he wakes up, he will have a lot of work to do to earn your trust again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Son graduated from HS last week. H gave me a long hug in front of his family- I could hear the gasps. Still no R talk, but he is starting to act like his old self again- before the A and the MLC drama. My therapist says to stop reading into the hugs- Advice needed please....
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Roxi, I agree w/your therapist. You can't read anything into the hugs. Your son graduating from HS was an emotional time for your h and he forgot himself and gave you a hug.
Continue to keep the focus on you and try to be just a friend to your H right now.
Hi Roxi. I know exactly how you feel. It is six and a half months for me now. Our Hs sound similar in how they are behaving right now. I think the hugs are from guilt. They think they are helping us to deal with it better. At least that's what my H thinks as he told me! He thinks that he is being amazing and making it easier for me and the kids by coming round all the time and not withdrawing his finances. I just think he's cake eating and enough is enough! As job says, this could take months or years. The thought is terrifying! Like you, I feel the constant threat of impending doom hanging over me and just want an end to the limbo now, one way or the other! Hang on in there, I know it's tough. I've no idea how you decide when the time is right to say enough is enough. Everyone around me tells I should be filing now because H will keep it like this forever.
I've cut off contact with the friends that told me to file. I'm down to a few supportive friends that know my husband very well. He's been extremely nice both in person and on the phone. Almost scary nice compared to how terrible he treated me during his affair. He does not say a word about finances, how much I am spending, etc. He's happy when we talk. My therapist calls him "floppy fish". You can't catch a floppy fish.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
A "floppy fish". Now that a first for that description, but I can see where it would apply to your h and any other MLCer who is all over the place. As long as you don't rock his boat, he's going to be nice. Also, there are times when they are nice because their either want something or they've done something such as filing or cutting you off financially. I'm not trying to scare you...but don't let your guard down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Even in the midst of the worst times, my H has always greeted me with a hug and has given me a hug (sometimes with a small kiss on the cheek or lips) before leaving. I never really questioned why. I was just grateful for that small gesture of affection and let it go. I don't think he's "playing" you.
My H was also having sex with me while with OW (before I knew about her). I think it's a case of enjoying the fruits of both worlds (cake-eating) and trying to keep us from getting suspicious.
I am by no means a vet, but these were the thoughts that went through my mind as I read your posts.
From what I read, you actually have a few positives going on. If your H is in IC, that's a big plus. It seems he recognizes that he has issues to resolve and is taking steps to address them. There are many LBSs here who would love to see their MLCer get some C to help them resolve their issues. I would look at that as a big positive and not do anything to rock that boat.
I also think it's a positive that he recognizes he has to address his internal issues before he can put effort into addressing the R with you and his M. It's actually what you want him to do. If he says he is ambivalent, you're a step ahead of those of us who's spouses have expressed they want a D, or have filed, or have actually completed the process. I would try to avoid putting pressure on him.
I know it's like being in limbo, but in your shoes, I'd leave him be and let him work things out for himself (which he appears to be trying to do). I wouldn't push for "talks" about the A or the R. I'd try to let him know in non-verbal ways that it's safe to talk to you. That you will be understanding and non-judgemental. At some point, he will come to you and want to discuss those things, but you have to wait until he is ready to do that. The IC should help him get to that point.
Like I said, I'm no expert and you're the only one who really knows your h and your sitch. Those were just a few thoughts that came to my mind.
In the meantime, while he's taking care of himself, you keep on with your GAL activities. You appear to be doing a great job at that.
{{{hugs}}}
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Thanks for the advice. I keep on keeping on. I'm actually very happy some days, and I tell myself I'll be fine no matter what happens. He said last night he knows he "needs to make a decision" and I said "I not putting pressure on you. There is no hurry." and he responded, "I know."
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Had a breakdown Saturday (later discovered it was PMS- I'm 50 dang it- when will it end?) asked H to meet me for lunch Sunday after church at the Flying Burrito. We talked about the kids- it felt very comfortable. He thought I was there to ask him for a divorce- I just wanted to touch base (pursuing, I know.) Told him I didn't want to call it quits until we had tried all avenues. He said we would talk later in the week, he was in shock since he thought the divorce talk was coming from me. He said if I did file, it would be put on the back burner since he's so busy at work. ( yeah, right.) Laughable to think you get served papers and say, "Sorry- don't have time!" He still insists he's not talked to a lawyer or done anything pertaining to divorce. We are beginning to feel like friends- but my guard is up and my heart is shielded.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
