Stay in the house. A) Your name is on the deed. B) You are not "leaving", in all ways. C) You only control what you CAN control. You can control where you stay and when with your own house. Focus on you and what you want. She can only do what you allow in this situation. What do YOU want?
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I really hate giving advice because my state of mind is different now that my wife has moved out. So, I'll tell you what I'd do from my perspective (and current mindset). If my wife asked for alternating nights, I wouldn't just say "NO!" to that proposition, I'd go out and buy some boxes and packing tape and tell her she has one day to gather what she needs and get out. To back it up, I'd probably have some of the boxes packed.
Take that for what it's worth. It's not advice, I'm just sayin'. I'm sure a DB coach wouldn't tell you to do that. But, if she thinks she can get you to switch nights with her at the house, then she thinks she's got you by the balls. (That pisses doodler off.)
Wait, are you co-parenting a house? Nope. Everyone here says don't go. I get it. But if that's the only way to drop the rope, then do it! Someone has to go, for now, not alternatively.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I understand where you are coming from, DDJ. However Betterm's name is the only one on the papers, apparently. When trying to focus on yourself and detach (drop the rope), isn't it better to make it easier on yourself and not worry so much about the comfort of the WS? She is the one leaving; let her leave. His house, his boundaries. If it is hard on her, it is through her choices. Having to find another couch to sleep on is a consequence of leaving rather than working on M.
If he chooses to "have mercy" and let her stay, that is up to him. I wish you the strength to detach, GAL, and keep up the DBing, Betterm, while she is there if you choose this. It will be very difficult. But no, don't make things easier on her just because she asks, as long as she is adamant about giving up rather than working it out. That's like giving a 4 year old the candy she's crying for just to make her be quiet. You're creating a bigger problem in the future by enabling the behavior.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Wait, are you co-parenting a house? Nope. Everyone here says don't go. I get it. But if that's the only way to drop the rope, then do it! Someone has to go, for now, not alternatively.
Co-Parenting? I wouldn't say that. The house is in my name only, and is premarriage property so its mine only if she files D. We have no children. only pets, which is just seen as property through the courts eyes, not living beings.
She's chosen to leave, she's said "structured separation until we start marriage counseling". She shows up to one session, then says she's not going back and she wants a D, but expects to still keep the "structured separation" on the house rules. On top of that "co-parenting" would mean she would actually have to take responsibility for things around here. Dishes, laundry, vacuum, etc. Nope. I'm gone for 3 days, come home to a house that looks like several tornadoes flew through. I clean up the "common areas" and places I need for me while I'm here. And the process repeats. She's feeding off the power of knowing she's got me here to take care of her dirty work, but yet she wants to come and stay 2-3 nights alternately so she can: 1) see the animals we both love so dearly (they are not allowed at her parents, and 2) Get away from her parents.
While we've been together, 'mom and dad' have caused the most stress to her than anyone else in the world. Now that they know she's hurting, they're making it work, but she can only handle a few days at a time. If she wants the D, She gets to live with the consequences is how I see it.
Maybe I don't understand what you mean by "drop the rope", but she's "done", the "damage is done", its "irreparable", and "she wants a D". So, that's the sitch. Do you still stand by what you said above? I'm not saying your wrong, but if you aren't, I'd like to hear a little more reasoning on why my thoughts are wrong so I can better understand.
Along with my last post... Here's what happened today. She knew from our conversation last night that she wanted to have about dividing assets, that I was staying at the house. Not only after the D, but from here on out, and she said she'd move out. I told her I need stable ground to grow through this mess whether she's in or out, and I'll be at 'my' house because I can't sleep well on other couches and random beds.
Today I worked from home and I guess when she saw my car she turned away and never came in the driveway. She texted me, "hey my name isn't on the house, right?" "whyd we do that again, can you remind me?" then about an hour later after no response "oh hey, I don't I want to move out yet, everything is just so crazy, and I feel like its all rushed, I'd like to sleep at our home tonight, that ok?"
I never responded, she finally called and I talked to her about a stray pup I picked up and she said she'd help me post it online and find owner. Then she had class for the next hour. After class, she texted "I'd like to sleep at home tonight, okay? ... our home".
I said "I never said you couldn't sleep here, you're the one that has chosen to leave this relationship. I will be here, and I haven't kicked you out, you've left."
That promptd the response I expected... "You can do that, that's not fair, that's my house too". then when I started to respond, she said "I'll just call you back!"
in my eyes, I don't any "tug of war" going on. She just comes for what she wants (animals and to get away from 'rents) and then goes back to parents when she's had a break and doesn't want to do responsibilities around the house.
Her emotional reaction does nothing to you. Let it slide. You're response was good. Just remember. Short and to the point. You don't need to explain your actions, Quietly strong. "You may sleep here. I will be in the master bedroom." If you have a guest room, tell her that's where she may sleep. If not, hand her some sheets and let her make a bed on the couch. Pleasantly. She is your "guest" now until she chooses to prove she is going to work on the marriage. But not a guest you need to bend over backwards to do anything for. She fired you as a spouse.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
