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poschan Offline OP
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Thanks SH and Phoebe. Not much sleep last night, waking each our it seems. Why does sleep seem so fleeting these days. I guess we are being tortured through all this and that is why D is so despicable, the torment and destruction are awful. Time to shift and think about what I appreciate to get me through this day as I hope anyone who reads this does too.


Me: 48 WAW:40
T:14yr M:12 yr
d8
BD 2/2016
WAW moves out 6/05
Joined: Mar 2016
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The challenge with sleep is part of the process.
A wise woman told me that it will come in time. She was right. I am finding it more these days.
It did not. One without efforts. So seek out information and assistance so that you may find it.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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poschan Offline OP
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WAW wanted to discuss finances and when to tell d7 today. She wanted to tell d7 that "we" decided to live separately. I told her I would not lie to her and that it was not my choice. WAW was not happy. Oh well, this is her disaster in the making. I feel its important to be honest to d7. I also asked if she felt that she had tried everything before deciding on D. She said yes. The fog is thick as we never tried counseling or sitting down and discussing our needs/wants etc. I know it was a mistake to discuss the R. She also wanted to have dinner as a "family" on Wednesdays. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea since it would be too confusing on d7 (and me). She said so you'll never have dinner again or do things together anymore. Sounds a lot like wanting to cake eat. I told her that once you divorce you're not a family anymore. I'm torn since I still want to repair and feel like being together might be good for d7 but just don't know. Any feedback on any of this would be appreciated.


Me: 48 WAW:40
T:14yr M:12 yr
d8
BD 2/2016
WAW moves out 6/05
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poschan,

I'll preface my response with this; I'm not big on hard-and-fast rules, I prefer à la carte depending on the circumstances.

Just prior to my wife moving out, and during the first few days after she moved out, I thought maybe we'd (me, wife and sons) all have supper together on a fairly regular basis. We did see a fair amount of each other the first week after she moved out. But, as time went on, and I actually found myself enjoying the serenity of the absence of my wife (ouch!), it seemed like my comfort level for being around her had diminished. I'm okay with short intervals with my wife, but I really don't feel like having supper with her right now.

Please note, I didn't expect to feel that way. I'm not trying to go dark or do LRT or do double-secret-special-ninja LRT, I'm just doing what feels best for now, and as little contact as possible feels good right now. I guess I need to heal too.

So, my recommendation? Don't set a hard-and-fast path for yourself; see where things go and how you feel and decide what you think is best for you and your marriage.

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Well said doodler.

MWD explains the process in DR of having a beginners mindset and then setting goals and adjusting based on outcomes.
Set rules can lead us down cheeseless tunnels. Doing things without goals can lead us on wild goose chases.
And as sandi says, do what works, not what feels right.

I know this can seem vague, but it is because set rules would mean everyone's situations were identical.

Rad and re read DB and DR, this is where so much info can be found for our situations.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Poschan,

I believe I'm a little further along (in separation) but D has not been brought up yet - W is still leaving the door open down the road I think (or just trying to ease her way out of the R very slowly... not sure)

As for Family dinners etc... I really struggle with these, on the one hand they are great for D - but it gives her false hope (she always comments on "how nice" it is when we spend family time together) on the other hand - I find it very difficult on me as I enjoy the time we spend together only to resort to anger, frustration and sadness when W leaves as if it meant nothing to her.

Be that as it may though, I still find myself falling into the trap but don't schedule them.

This past weekend there was a really fun event I wanted to take D to but it was W's weekend, she agreed to go and let me go as well (even though it was her weekend). She was reluctant at first, complained the whole way there but W had the most fun out of the 3 of us. It followed by an impromptu dinner with another family that was at the event as well - I didn't really want to do that but couldn't really protest in front of them. We had some great interactions over the weekend, I even made her laugh (I love seeing her laugh) but then she leaves Sunday night for "her place" and talks about a more permanent living situation for herself as she's leaving and it's like she's tearing a little piece away from me every time.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Just to add to my previous reply... I think why I fall into the trap is that I want to offer "glimpses" into what she's missing. Therefore I don't schedule them but if the opportunity comes up I allow it... sort of taking a queue from the "lighthouse story"

<i>"Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way...."</i>


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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poschan Offline OP
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thanks for the input doodler, SadHub, and PacLove. I think that is good advice to just see how things go without making any black and white decisions as of yet. She did say today she has made up her mind about D - I know not to believe anything she says. This morning she asked for my help when d7 wasn't listening to her and I said what are you going to do when your alone? She quipped back that I don't help now really anyway...I think she is in for a big wakeup call when she moves out and sees how much I really do for this family. She also asked if d7 could be with her the first week in her new place to "acclimate". I thought it was a bad idea since she would be dealing with losing a parent (me) and in a new home rather than just losing a parent (WAW) if she were to stay with me the first week. The poor kids. I fell so bad for all of them that have to deal with selfish parents.


Me: 48 WAW:40
T:14yr M:12 yr
d8
BD 2/2016
WAW moves out 6/05
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Originally Posted By: poschan
This morning she asked for my help when d7 wasn't listening to her and I said what are you going to do when your alone? She quipped back that I don't help now really anyway...I think she is in for a big wakeup call when she moves out and sees how much I really do for this family.


poschan, while you have a valid point, I caution you in replying in this manner. It does not serve a purpose and you will not convince WAW of this. Also, hopefully this was not said in front of d7. It is important to be the stable and understanding parent for d7. Trust me on this. My d5 acts out for her mother regularly since the BD. She knows that her mother is not in a good place. On the other hand, d5 is an angel when with me. She knows where the stability is, so work hard to create that for her no matter what.

Originally Posted By: poschan

She also asked if d7 could be with her the first week in her new place to "acclimate". I thought it was a bad idea since she would be dealing with losing a parent (me) and in a new home rather than just losing a parent (WAW) if she were to stay with me the first week. The poor kids. I fell so bad for all of them that have to deal with selfish parents.


I encourage that you do not permit the request. It is important that you set a boundary to have a co parenting plan in place for equal time right from the start. D7 needs to acclimate to the time between both of you not to the new place with WAW. Stay firm on this. It also matters in d proceedings when it comes to time with the parents. My L was awesome in pounding this point home with me and providing a great parenting plan for me.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Hi Poschan,

I had as similar sich this weekend when W asked me to get my D down (after she was not listening to her) - I simply replied that I had to take care of something else at the time and walked away.


I also was against the "1st weekend" with W, she wanted to tell her just before I was going to be gone for the weekend which would make me look like the bad guy or at least not there to support her. She still spent the weekend with W as I had originally planned to be away, but D didn't know we were "separated". Fortunately she waited until a week later (more out of not wanting to tell her than anything else)


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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