Still here and need support

[poschan]

New thread...
I have a question: I wanted to send WAW the info from MWD re: the marriage trap so that she might give some thought to the issues involved. My DB coach also suggested sending a last resort letter which I plan to prepare and then decide whether to send...
Any input as to if I should send one or both? I am really having issues as to how d7 will take the news as she get's out of school next week and I assume we will sit down with her then and break the news (her heart). Ugh.
Thanks for any feedback.

[poschan]

So just asked WAW when she wants to break the new to d7. She said maybe next weekend and I said it will tear her world apart. WAW said it depends how we handle it and I said that her family is her whole world and it will be pulled out from under her. WAW said "we'll still be a family". I shook my head and excused myself. Yesterday I went to MD and got prescip for anxiety med which I haven't tried yet, had a session with a new IT and a divorce care group at night. I was pretty depressed this am and just wanted to stay in bed. haven't decided yet if I am going to take the Zoloft, but if I keep feeling this way I may have to.

[CWOL]

Poschan,
If you are not feeling yourself I would encourage you to start the meds. It takes a few weeks to really feel it working too, so you should start now so you'll have relief sooner than later.
The marriage trap letter you referred to seems like Pursuit to me. I would hold off on sending to prevent driving your W further away.

[poschan]

Thanks CWOL. Just hard to watch her move out. But I have to accept that it is her choice and I have to accept the consequences and move on for my own good and well being.

[SH_]

Thanks CWOL. Just hard to watch her move out. But I have to accept that it is her choice and I have to accept the consequences and move on for my own good and well being.

This is spot on poschan. I know it is not easy, and I know that it hurts, but keep this in the forefront of everything while you do the work to take care of your well being.

[PacLove]

We delayed telling my D9 as well, I kept prompting W when she was going to tell her (she was already gone a week or two at the time) but she kept chickening out. I had originally agreed to present it as a mutual decision but used that time to reflect and told myself "why am I going along with what W wants to say, this is not my decision...".

I also wanted to appear strong for my D - that I wasn't giving up on our M. W presented it to D as shes "taking some time out", since then it's been very mixed messaging, she sees W almost every other day and has had mostly positive interactions but is slowly realizing we are not a Family right now.

What hasn't helped the situation is the family time we have spent together over the last 2 months, ie birthday weekend, Mother's day etc - that sends very mixed messages to the kids and gives them hope. It's good for D (if we R as it spares her some pain) but I don't think it's a healthy boundary for W and I right now.

Allowing my W to tell her made it easy on me, I could barely keep back the tears. D retreated to read - I don't know as it ever hit her hard as she still thinks W will come home and this is temporary. Knowing that it's W's decision though has allowed D and I to pray together for W and to discuss it a little more openly as W's decision and that I can stand by my values.

[inpain]

Sorry to read about your situation Poschan. You are getting some good advice and insights from the people who have posted already. I agree with CWOL about the meds. You are going to need all your strength to help your D through this awful time - she needs you to be at the best you can be (under the current circumstances).

I agree with you Paclove about not showing children it is a united decision if it is not. I did the same when my H left. He wanted us to say "We are splitting because we don't get on." I was going to go along with it, like you, but then decided I wasn't going to lie to my children about such a major trauma in their lives. They have known all along it is H's decision and that I am fighting for the M. My H is doing the same as your W with regards to doing things as a family etc and I do think it is giving them mixed messages and hope where there may be none. I have tried to point this out to my H numerous times and it falls on deaf ears but it is hard to be the one to say, "No, we're not doing things as a happy family anymore because you left." Still working on that one. This is a long, long road.

[poschan]

Thank you all for the input. I came across this post by Zeus and thought it may be very appropriate to my circumstances (see below). When I told WAW that I wouldn't lie and this is not my choice she got angry and said that would make her to be the bad person (duh!). I'm not going to lie to d7 she needs to know the truth and know that I am fighting for repair and the M.

From Zues:"Different people have different views on divorce. Some people are of the belief that if the marriage is difficult it can be better to separate so both individuals can find peace and children can be raised without conflict. I don't subscribe to this belief. Personally I am in the camp that marriage is a permanent commitment, that you stay with someone throughout your entire life, through good times and bad, and accept that life doesn't always give you everything you want and instead find ways to be appreciative for what you have, and that divorce and tearing apart a family is a tremendously destructive act and shouldn't be considered unless there is a life threatening situation. So in no way was any of this my choice. However I am not suggesting your mother is a bad person, she simply subscribes to a different set of beliefs about when divorce is appropriate than I do"

It's so sad re: the selfishness and lack of commitment to put the little ones in the crossfire. Maybe though I am seeing WAW true colors. In divorce care last night, we talked about seeking GOD, that's all we need, and if the M is ever to be repaired GOD has to be part of the M. GOD must come first. I question why GOD would want this but GOD has a plan and this is it.

[PacLove]

Poschan - I am very much in sync with Zues on this - I took the vow of marriage and truly believe it was a life decision - as did my W merely a little over year ago... it's interesting I came across a post on her FB page almost 16 months ago how in M we constantly make the decision to L - we were once on the same page with this, how quickly things change when there's an outside external influence.

[coffee_]

I am not quite in your situation yet, but I went to the MD yesterday and was prescribed some anti depressants. I debated taking them, but the MD said that it could take a year or longer for this thing to play out, however it plays out. I made the decision to start taking them last night. I have had a couple people tell me that it can totally change your perspective. As others have stated it takes a month or so for other people to notice the difference in you.
I am sorry for your situation, Know your not alone.