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The rollercoaster is real. Some days I wake up feeling like Aha!... now I am finally at peace and fully detached and know exactly what I need to do... and then by the evening anxiety, fear, and uncertainty are back in force.

Good luck with the refocusing!


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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DDJ Offline OP
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Thx guys. One thing that stumps me is that everyday whilst i'm at work i spin, my mind goes mad! I walked into the house now, alone at home for now and I am calm. I am focused.

I leave here at 6-30am focused. I spend the next 9 hours anxious. I get home and I am focused again. I do think that it's because I have nothing to do at work. I had about 2 hours productivity today, besides the 45 min nap :-)

I lose focus on myself, because there is nothing that I can do during the day. Even this morn as I lay awake at 4am, I did not think about my WW wife, I thought about myself and how I want to live my perfect life and improve myself. Building confidence. Guess i badly need that new job. Perhaps my down mood from this job, which started towards the end of last year, was also a contributing factor to a loss of attraction, that being said, i've never been happy in my job - (lack of good) culture fit.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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I have the same problem with my job. I do a pretty good job of GAL when I'm not at work (jogging in the morning and doing positive things for me in the evening) but have a really hard time focusing and getting stuff done. At work I keep wanting to plan GAL activities or check the DB forums for new threads or read relationship book PDFs and websites. My normal trick of just trying to start with some little piece of work hasn't even been working well.

I don't know the answer, but I definitely sympathize.


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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DDJ Offline OP
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I'm thinking, that before finding out about ea with OM1, I trusted her with all my heart. The second thereafter I don't even trust her talking on the phone with her insurance company. DBing is really saving us from ourselves. How can we be attractive if we're just being needy.

She asked me to buy her liquor and I said no, not gonna budge. Pls buy it on your way home. She was actually planning to go out again and said that I can rather go out to watch the soccer.

Guess I have no idea what's going on... Who cares.


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DDJ,

We're pathetic; we can't stay away from this forum. wink

You're right, we can't be attractive if we're needy.

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DDJ Offline OP
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So i figure out that the request for me to buy liquor was a def temp check, as she wanted to see if i was standing to my principles of no alcohol.

Why are they sooo vindictive.


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Originally Posted By: DDJ
I have always been detached, from my understanding, from my son. I do not feel his pain, I feel his love. Or am i not on the same page?


Detachment is this:

Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

Your son is 4. Of course, he needs some space to grow into the man he will become. But he is in his formative years. Your job as a parent is to teach and mold him into the best version of himself he can be. If you dont take the time and effort to shape him, who will?

If he eats an entire box of cookies, do you say "well, now youll learn for next time"?

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No I don't do that bout cookies darknes. I protect him like he's a crystal glass, I let him out of my sight only when I know he can fall and not break.


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I'm Def not attracted to you doodler...


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You sound just like my wife. blush

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