Sotto - yes, where do the MLCers go to get a break? Excellent point. My h has an excellent run, run, run and hide, hide, hide formula in place.
Mleigh - we have only talked once. I call the boys directly but I was not able to reach them one night. I called h and it went to voicemail as his phone was off. I sent a text asking him to have the boys call me. When they called me they passed the phone back to him and he was polite but very vanilla. It was a quick conversation.
He seems to be handling the boys' logistical lives. It's their emotional needs he can't meet. He can't meet his own, so now on earth could meet theirs?!? The boys seem to notice my absence in this area. S12 sounds very needy and S10 sounds sad.
H seems to be off in the dorm/closet a lot, still, even though I am not there. If I am the whole problem why is he still hiding in his closet when I am gone? Wonder if he still locks his door when he leaves? Maybe the dog is "stealing" his stuff now? Oi.
Just more processing for me. Mostly, I can't believe how crazy he has become. If I told his old friends back east or his family, no one would even believe it. I see that this is all his to own. I see that at times I do need to play a role in it by validating, hugging, etc. At other times I just need to give him space and time. He is moving along in that things are changing. Unfortunately, the changes are all for the worse. I think he's tackling a really bad issue right now. Most of the time I just need to sit quiet and watch, just as Job says.
As for me, I do feel a good deal of anxiety right now. He is so unpredictable. I just don't know what he's going to do and how it will impact me and the kids. How crazy is he going to go? Are there even more disturbing childhood issues there that he never divulged?
For months now he has been replaying the same song over and over again. It's like water boarding for the ears. Just torture to hear the SAME song over and over again. It's a song about a tough neighborhood and what people needed to do to survive.
When my sisters were here my eldest sister had a private conversation with h. She was giving pointers on raising our kids to be hard workers. She has raised two very hard working girls. One will be a doctor and the other passed her CPA exam at 22! H, in true MLC fashion turned the subject to comparing his childhood to our kids and even to the childhood I had. He said that he didn't have a nice family like ours.
Actually, my family has had a fair share of hardships. But you know what the differences are? People work through marriages on our side. The men see the value of marriage. Open marriages are not tolerated. Men don't walk away from their families. They don't run and hide. Despite the dysfunction that swirled around me, I know my mother loved me. I know she watched over me. It was far, far from perfect but she did love me and thankfully my home environment was a safe one. And that makes all the difference in the world. I know if my extended family knew what was going on with me, they would rally behind me. It occurred to me that if h's family knew, they might not bat an eye at some of what he has said through all this. Glaring differences.
I try not to think about how far into Kookooville he is going to go. I try to keep busy and tire myself out through work, raising kids, walking, tennis, hiking, etc. Truth be told, I am exhausted worrying about the "what ifs." Logically, I know I have no control but man, do I worry about my kids and their lives.
It is horrible to be married to an insane person.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The music..is on loop in his car. My s 6 &8 are singing ...let the bodies hit the floor..as soon as i heard it.. i told them that is not an ok song to sing...H has explicit rap in his car since that is what he listened to in his teenage years . Glad you got away and can step away from the madness. Hope you have fun on what is left of your trip Do something fun!!
He seems to be handling the boys' logistical lives. It's their emotional needs he can't meet. He can't meet his own, so now on earth could meet theirs?!? The boys seem to notice my absence in this area. S12 sounds very needy and S10 sounds sad.
I am wondering how he is "handling" the logistics while you're away given that he's taken to throwing pots and pans in the trash!??? Let's assume that H's has adopted the mindset of a 16-year old here. What then? Looking after his little "brothers" with a key to his dorm room?!
One has to wonder what's really going on here. As long as your boys are old enough to look after themselves, they're doing okay, BUT not great.
Truth be told, I am exhausted worrying about the "what ifs." Logically, I know I have no control but man, do I worry about my kids and their lives.
It is horrible to be married to an insane person.
HaWho it really is horrible. What you are going through right now is terrible, but you should be really proud of yourself and the boys. Things sound so crazy, anyone would be worried about the kids if they were in your situation. His MLC sounds like a full blown episode of insanity to me, and I really feel that you need help in dealing with him. I don't know if there is a right way to dealing with someone with your H's issues, but he is hurting you the kids and himself, so really needs to get a one way ticket out of Kookooville and start working on solving his problems. Sorry for the blabbing post, I wish I could help, sending you and the boys (((hugs)))
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Wonka - by saying h is "handling" the kids' logistics I meant he is able to get them to where they need to be. S12 makes breakfast for S10 and helps him make a proper lunch.
Returned last night to the most foul smelling house. H came out of his dorm closet for all of 1 minute. He immediately acknowledged the stinkiness of the house and blamed it on S12. He said S made a sandwich that smelled. S12 said he made his fish stew (again) and that is what stunk up the house. I believe S12 as h made this stew before and it did funkify the whole house. They were like bickering brothers.
H gave me a flash of eye contact (bored by me body language) and asked my sister how the trip was. Then poof, off to the dorm MLC incubator and closed the door. 1 minute at most.
I gave the kids big hugs; I missed them so much!!
My sister went to load her dish into the dishwasher and the whole thing was a mess. There were pots all on the bottom of it?!? And glasses turned upside down?!? And bowls inverted?!?
The kids know how to load the dishwasher so I called them over and asked what happened. They said h told them to do it this way. H had washed the pots but must have wanted to better clean them and as they did not fit on the top shelf he put them on the bottom shelf. The kids tried to tell him the water wouldn't reach the top shelf as it would only clean the pots. H wouldn't hear it. They said they didn't re-pack it because h wanted it this way. We re-packed it so that it could do its job and actually clean the dishes in it.
H may be 16 mentally, but when it comes to domestic issues, he is 4.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm glad you made it home safely I'm sorry about the smelly house, but I would swear it's the passive aggressive behavior at place. He knows how smelly that stew gets and he wanted to welcome you home with a foul odor. As for the dishwasher... the same applies there too. I'm sorry, but he knows exactly what he's doing and he's really angry w/you and this is the way that these MLCers act out their passive aggressive behaviors. I have this feeling that his fun and games aren't over yet.
Today is a new day, if you can open up the windows and air the house, by all means do so. Get some air fresheners and sit them around to help take the odor out of the house. Time to regroup now that you've had a break. He's worse than a 13 year old. Your sons are far more mature.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hmm. Job, it did not occur to me that one could take passive aggressive behavior so far. Pathetic.
But, he is sure is angry at me. I think he is gunning for a fight. I will not give it to him. My time away was beneficial in that I see how very unhappy he is. He's miserable. I feel sorry for him. It's all within him.
But actually, I am fairly happy. I love my kids, like my job and have hobbies that interest me. I'm unhappy when I think of him so I try not to do that too much.
I am going to provide my kids with the most stable life I can. I am going to continue to teach them to be good people, to work hard and to take good care of themselves. They are my prize in all this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, Passive Aggressive people can do all sorts of things. Just a few of the PA things my xh did: I had asked him to paint the kitchen for me. So, he did...he not only painted the ceiling and walls, but he made sure he had paint all over the counter tops, the appliances and all over the floor. No, not drips, but blobs of paint. I ended up having to have someone come in and clean up his mess.
One time, the grass was at least 12 inches tall and I asked him to mow the lawn on one of his days off. What did he do? He not only mowed the grass but deliberately ran over 4 small trees that I had just planted the week before. Said the riding mower got away from him. (Once I figured out what he was doing, I stopped asking him to do things. I either did them myself or relatives came to help me...which he hated even more...but that was too bad and shame on him.)
His Fire Chief advised the staff not to back up the fire trucks into the bay area w/o a spotter. What did my darling boy do...he went right out there and back the fire truck up and ran into the expensive bay door. To the tune of #3,000 we had to pay to have the door replaced and he got 2 weeks suspension.
All of these examples are what PA people do, especially when they are angry or don't want to do things. My list could go on and on. Now, if it was something he wanted to do, then heck yes he would do it perfectly and in record time. Bottom line, they will get you one way or another.
I read every book I could find on PA behavior and educated myself on his behavior. It is a learned behavior from childhood. It comes from where he was instructed to do something by one or both of his parents and he didn't want to do what they told him to do. So, instead of speaking up and saying I don't want to do it, he would screw up whatever they told him to do so that they wouldn't tell him to do it again, i.e., they would get his brother to do it from then on.
Read up on PA behavior. You'll be amazed at what you learn.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Geez. That is all truly awful Job. I can't recover from the painting of the WHOLE kitchen. The effort put forth to spite is astounding. I will read up on it as more and more PA behavior is bubbling to the surface.
If you remember any books off the book titles pass them along.
Despite the fun times happening here with h, I came back from NYC resolved to strengthen myself even further. This summer while h "takes care of himself a bit," I will get into the best physical, emotional and spiritual shape of my life.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It took my a very long time to figure out what he was doing, but once I did, I stepped away and took care of things what I wanted done, i.e., by asking others to assist me. He always came across as being okay w/doing things for me...by lo and behold, he would screw them up every time. How do you run over small trees in the yard? He had been operating that riding mower for 2 years.
Here's the book that I read and I recommend it highly: "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man, Coping With Hidden Aggression–From The Bedroom to The Boardroom" by Scott Wetzler, Ph.D.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do something fun!!
