5 weeks in since she said she doesnt love me.(2)

[Vanilla]

Natus

The priority here is on your GAL and even if that involves a quick visit to a coffee shop that's good.

Get out have some good adult GAL.

Your priority here is looking after YOU so that you can best look after your child.

Sandi advice is solid.

It is what is in your WW heart which counts, remorse for being caught isn't the right start for reconciliation. Unless she changes her cheating heart, beliefs and thoughts then this is just behaviour modification.

I think you need to see real work by WW to come to true ethical behaviour.

Take care to protect yourself in this, I can't see piecing.

Changing you and your behaviour is only one part of the equation in your R. It's early days be clear if there is change or no.

V

[Natus]

Hi Vanilla, thank you for the advise. I think so, i need to get out do some good adult GAL.

As Sandhi said and i think this is true, her heart has not caught up to her behavior.

I think i have been pursuing to much. Need to focus more on me and my son.

[Natus]

W went for her interview this afternoon. She was nervous and excited. Gave me a peck on the cheek before she left. With luck this will mean she gets a new job soon and no longer sees OM on a daily basis.

Meanwhile im planning my DBing, going over where i went wrong and which parts i think im doing right.

Since the whole other OM business i have came down very strong. Im in danger of being ultra controlling. I need to pull back and detach.

I dont know why but past few days i have been snooping crazy. Need to stop it. Its just feeding into the dark feelings, turning me into a jealous monster rather than a lighthouse.

I have been pursuing. Definately need to stop this.

So keeping my goals light this next week.
- Stop snooping
- Stop pursuing
- Stop controlling
- Go out adult fun atleast once.

[DDJ]

Yeah, snooping is pursuing. It just makes things worse.

You still have to break your light goals down into real actions, for example - Snooping - Do not look at WW phone at all. Do not check itemised billing.

Personally, i got the itemised billing via email. I looked at the email and immediately trashed it. It's all about controlling yourself, not the WW.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Quote:
See the part i dont get according to the DR/DB rules is i dont think we are piecing because she has said outright she no longer has any feelings for me.

I don't get the connection you are making about the rules and piecing.

Hi Sandhi, always a pleasure to hear from you. Sorry if i was unclear. I guess i was alluding to her acting married despite still telling me ILYBINILY. I was confused as to which stage i am in.

I really want to help you get this part, but I am having difficulty knowing how the rules come into all of this. Are you referring to the Sandi's 37 rules, or are you referring to the DR book?

Frankly, I do not believe you are in the piecing stage, at all. She cannot be pressured into saying she'll work on the M, or that she will be faithful. She either will or won't, but it has to be her choice to make. You may choose to leave, if she decides not to remain faithful, but she has to make a choice about what she does.

The "piecing stage" is when the couple really reconciles and the WW agrees to the conditions of the H (transparency, no contact with OM, MC, etc.) Both of them, but more especially the WW, puts forth great effort in doing the necessary work required to save their M. Your W has not done anything, unless it is not to contact OM lately. Without her cooperating to transparency that you decide for her to follow.....your MR doesn't stand a lot of a chance at succeeding. So, no, you are not in piecing, yet. I think you still have a lot of information to learn about it, so don't jump off into something you don't know what you're doing, okay? Ask questions and continue to read/study.

I am not sure what you mean by your W acting like she is married, unless you mean b/c she's not contacting OM.

Her telling you ILYBNILWY, is so you will not think she has changed back into being in love with you. She could remain faithful in the future and still not be in love with you. She would just go through the motions of marriage....and maybe love you like a relative, but not in love with you as a man. What you need to see is when her words and her actions/behavior match.

I know that people have their own standards of how people "act married". To me, her going across the border with her sisters.....to drink, is not exactly the epitome of how a married lady conducts herself. But that's just me. I'm sure others may not see a problem at all. Maybe it was completely harmless. If you have been pursuing, that could cause her to want to take flight and go drinking, just to get out from under the emotional pressure for a while.

What you see as her "efforts" in the M, could be obedience.

Its hard to believe any grown person would be obedient if they are one foot out the door. Is this positive or negative thing?

Let me say it another way. She may be complying (outwardly) in the manner that she knows you expect of her. That's why I am not certain what you mean by her acting married. If you expect her to conduct herself in a particular behavior that indicates a woman is married......she probably knows what that way is, don't you believe? Most of us have our personal standards of what is proper and not proper behavior for M people. Maybe the only behavior you care about is her fidelity. If so, then she is going to act the part. At least, momentarily, until she decides what she really wants to do. B/c she knows that will keep you off her back, and it buys her some time.

Ill be honest while i am trying to understand it and know i have to endure, it is difficult because men(or especially me) aren't wired this way at all.

That's why I stick around doing my thing.

[Natus]

Thanks Sandhi. I should not have said rules. I think i meant stages. WAW - Piecing - etc.....

Let me say it another way. She may be complying (outwardly) in the manner that she knows you expect of her. That's why I am not certain what you mean by her acting married. If you expect her to conduct herself in a particular behavior that indicates a woman is married......she probably knows what that way is, don't you believe? Most of us have our personal standards of what is proper and not proper behavior for M people. Maybe the only behavior you care about is her fidelity. If so, then she is going to act the part. At least, momentarily, until she decides what she really wants to do. B/c she knows that will keep you off her back, and it buys her some time.

I think this nails it on the head. Its amazing how i should know this but i guess when you are living it you dont get that outside in perspective.

I am not sure what you mean by your W acting like she is married, unless you mean b/c she's not contacting OM.

i guess we are doing all the things we use to do together that it feels like everything is normal. She offers to do things for me (normal everyday things) and picks up things for me at shop cause she saw it and thought i'd like that.

I have asked her to be transparent with me and she has been quite transparent, updates me throughout the day on her whereabouts, whos shes with etc. On top of extremely limited contact with OM and thats only because hes her boss.

On an upbeat note she has quite unexpectedly landed a new job with USA embassy here with a really good offer. Shes excited to leave her old job. She just has to negotiate her leaving now.

I know that people have their own standards of how people "act married". To me, her going across the border with her sisters.....to drink, is not exactly the epitome of how a married lady conducts herself. But that's just me. I'm sure others may not see a problem at all. Maybe it was completely harmless. If you have been pursuing, that could cause her to want to take flight and go drinking, just to get out from under the emotional pressure for a while.

Going to the border for a drink is regular past time here. Brunei being a dry (no alchohol) country. You have to go across border. Its only 15 minutes away from where i live so it sounds more extreme than it really is and she hasnt "hanged out" with her sisters in a long while, so it was more like a reunion for them than her trying to get away from me.

[DDJ]

Hey Natus, I caution you on the transparency and marriage behaviour too. As i stated before, my WW reads out her TMs, talks on the phone in front of me, even lets me check her phone. These are things to keep you trusting her, keep her cake eating and you blind.

[Natus]

I got you DDJ, i can do more than check her phone though since i work for the mobile company and can pull up logs even if she deleted them from her phone. However i am not going to do that again it just fuels the anxiety and bad feelings.

She doesnt go out and when she does she has been honest although its only been two and half weeks. Still early days.

[DDJ]

Yeah, i just got the itemised billing and just deleted it. No point. Still flirting with idea of using recorder on my end. Whats the point tho hey...

[Natus]

Changed the title to reflect the timeline. Heading into 9 weeks, month 3 now.

In past 1 week i have failed hard in my DB.

I was doing better 2 weeks ago even to the point my W said she was looking at me. I feel in the past 1 week alone things are spiraling out of control.

Today i need to be disciplined and work hard at it. I need to back off and give her space while maintaining boundaries. Most importantly i need to do something for me.