I've been reading here faithfully since December, but it has taken me until this week to truly see what I need to do when it comes to DBing.
DDay was December 19. H originally cried, begged, wanted to make it work. That first week was one of major bonding and intimacy. We seemed to cut through so much baggage right off the bat. December 26 I went to my parents' with the kids, and unfortunately while I was away, and the affair was out, they started a full blown relationship.
He moved out January 15. I read every book I could get my hands on, and had a lot of hard realizations about my own faults in the marriage. I took responsibility, and I showed him remorse and a desire to change who I had been. February 10 he told me he wanted to come home and end it with her. March 1 he moved home. But he never fully ended it with her. He would try to be just friends, etc. On Mother's Day I realized he had gone to see her for a few minutes, and I ended up doing a full blown confrontation - with her there.
He moved out again last week. I am, for the first time, able to see who I was during the marriage. I am also able to see who I was over the last few months, and the answer is I was a really devoted wife, trying to fix my marriage, and he had to do absolutely no work to come home and fix things.
I finally committed 100% this week to detaching and finally working on me. Finding happiness in myself and with my kids. When he was gone the first time I did all the wrong things. Crying, pleading, begging, pursuing, sending text messages, wooing, etc.
Yesterday was my first pretty successful day of 180. I even told him I was accepting 100% that he chose a different life for himself, and that I need to stop wishing for my marriage, and just go life life to the fullest - for me.
If he texts I politely respond, but I initiate nothing.
This morning I woke up to several texts from him. He had said goodnight, and when I didn't respond he proceeded to panic. He texted me every 45 minutes until midnight waiting for me to respond and say goodnight to him. This morning I just said "Fell asleep early. Didn't mean to worry you". An hour later he texted saying "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night".
The change is almost immediately noticable. The exciting part though, is that I'm no longer tempted to do it just to manipulate him. Weeks ago I would have been so excited to be "winning". Today I'm just excited to be finding peace, and to go to sleep early, because I am not riddled with anxiety. I am excited to find the best version of myself, and be the kind of person who can accept that he needs to go live this life, and I do not need to control him. Every other time I would try to go dark my addiction and obsession would stop me from success. I just had to check in. I just had to see. I couldn't let go.
I think the OW is still partially in the picture, but I don't think he even really wants to be with her. At the time she represented freedom, but now he has set up a small apartment, and is spending countless hours alone, contemplating his life. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if he will ever change, and I don't know if he will ever truly choose his family. I do know that I will be okay either way.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It's great that you fell asleep and didn't see his texts. No need to say that you didn't mean to worry him. Keep up the good work on detaching.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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I know him well enough to know that I need to play along still. If I completely cut him off he will very quickly retreat away from all of us. If I continue to respond politely, but remain distant he will take notice. If I go too far, his abandonment issues will kick in, and it could be catastrophic.
I have reiterated to him today, however, that unless OW is 100% gone he cannot have me in his life, and I won't initiate any kind of contact or relationship. The ball is completely in his court.
I know. This is so hard for me. I always give the benefit of the doubt and I always cave. I feel a desperate need to be strong this time, and actually pull off TLR
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm pretty lucky, because he knows I've been reading nonstop for months, and now suddenly I'm changing. He won't know that it is a specific technique that has me changing. He just knows I'm fed up, and that I'm moving on.
Last night he popped in to see the kids, and while he was there said "Last night when I couldn't get hold of you I didn't even know what to do. I couldn't sleep. I was waking up constantly to see if you had responded. It's like you've always been there, and I didn't know what to do when you weren't"
I just sat quietly, and didn't say anything. I'm not being cold or rude when he is there; just distant.
Fifteen minutes after he got home he was facetiming me to say goodnight. Again, I answered it, and responded very lightly to him, but didn't initiate any conversation.
I absolutely love the Lighthouse story that someone has posted here. I've changed the lock screen on my phone to a light house, and I just consistently remind myself that I am doing this so I can have a better life, and if I am eventually a beacon of light that guides him home then we'll cross that bridge later. In the meantime, I will work on me.
I think you've got a good foundation for DBing. Many of us are clinging to the WS like a barnacle on a boat. (Never believe an LBS when they say they're detaching.)
It sounds like your H is already starting to pursue. Cool!
