More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

Poor pup. I hope she's feeling better soon.

My therapist doesn't really challenge me much, either. Mostly he's super nice and supportive, etc. He does some gentle steering, but he is definitely observant. I did my grief history graph for the grief counseling work, but my therapist asked if he could see it when I mentioned what I was working on. I decided that I ought to talk it through with him, rather than just handing him a copy to look at on his own and ask about.

I do think that I will get a much different perspective than what I got when I went through it with the grief counselor. In that program, the approach is just to listen as I talk about my history, and not to ask questions until I am finished. My therapist peppers me with questions as I go along, so we talk about each event and the overall themes we see.

Today I need to plant 5 semi-dwarf apple trees, 4 of which are heirloom varieties. I have something like 22 (+/-) fruit trees that I've put in, but I had some serious attrition in the last 2 winters, so the peaches are out of here, as well as a couple plums that croaked. It's a bummer, as I love peaches. At the moment, that leaves me with apples, crabapples, pears, apricots, cherries, an almond, an English plum, and mulberries. So far only the apples have borne fruit, but the oldest trees only went in 4 springs ago, so they're young. Oh, I also planted hybrid chestnut trees 2 springs ago. I worry about their hardiness, too, but so far so good. Chestnuts are really good, but I've got at least 5-7 years until they produce anything. I have a huge old shagbark hickory that's probably a couple hundred years old and bears delicious nuts, and I have a lot of very old apple trees, of unknown varieties scattered all over the property. The old apples make incredible cider.

I was hoping to find anyone that did similar things at the meeting, but unfortunately, only 8 people showed up and they had few skills beyond the woman who I had tea with. One lady (who came in pajamas, I might add) and her H seemed to only be there to complain that she can't do anything with their property because her neighbor sprays and she has over 100 allergies, and she has to call the police all the time because the spraying is illegal, and they're disabled, and"the government put new windows in [her] place and they svck". All this when they were just supposed to be introducing themselves. Good grief!!! Signing up for every assistance program and complaining that what they got for free isn't good enough, and hating on all their neighbors? Not people I can relate to at all! Another woman (friend of this couple, so also out there) cornered me about my property right off the bat while we were talking in a circle. "You have all that by yourself? Don't you have anyone else that helps you? Aren't you afraid to be alone? Don't you get lonely? Don't you want someone with you?" Ugh. I finally had to shut her down by saying my H left 5 months ago, and now I'm alone, and of course I'm lonely! I was not pleased to be badgered like that in public. The woman had zero social skills.

RUN AWAY!

I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist again tomorrow, though. The twice a week thing is a bit unusual, but I need to talk some things through, I guess, andI feel like I may finally be getting to something important.

It's chilly today, and I'm not very motivated.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

Crazy experience for you with that meetup for sure. It may have freaked you out a bit, but when you look back on it you will just have to laugh. Things have changed a lot since we were in that game last. And reading your other meetup, also bizarre. But you know, in this wide world of people, I guess it is par for the course. As I try to think back to my days before marriage, I ran into a lot of odd folks, but in the midst of it all, I found some really cool friends.
Keep at it and see it for the journey it is and I am certain that you will find those new connections and some friends as you go.

You are doing awesome and it will pay off.

[Phoebe]

SadHub, both of those odd experiences were the SAME MeetUp! It was odd all around.

So, the woman from the MeetUp that I had tea with invited me on a hike, and I said that I would. I am neither in the market for a date, nor am I attracted to women, but a potential walking partner would be nice. She also knows how to graft apple trees, and that's something I really would like to learn how to do myself, and she is interested in heirloom apples and gardening, so there are other common interests, too.

I think I'll chat about it with my therapist. I'm not great at saying no when I'm invited by people, and I really don't see why I ought to in this case, anyway. She was pleasant and I liked our talk over tea. I'm sure my awkwardness made my own preferences pretty clear.

So I got my five trees planted and I am TIRED!!! ( Lack of sleep probably didn't help.) Planting trees is work, even with a tiny backhoe to excavate the dead trees that I replaced. All the soil mixing and refilling of the hole has to be done by hand, plus I spread compost around all of my fruit trees and part of my garden. My parents came over and planted a bunch of stuff in my garden plots because I'm not going to use them this year. I'll help them care for their stuff and pilfer veggies as needed. It's the year of team gardening on this farm! Gardening was always my thing, not H's. I'm just taking a break this year.

After my tree project, I crashed for a while in my glider/swing and just chilled out. I even did some mindfulness while listening to the birds. I know most of the calls of the birds that I have around my house, so even with my eyes closed I can "see" what birds are hanging around. Today it was orioles, cardinals, bobolinks, red-wing black birds, song sparrows, grackles, red-bellied woodpeckers, Canada geese, and an eastern kingbird. It's a nice trick once the leaves come out.

Time to do my evening commute. I need some sleep, and I fully intend to take benadryl to get it!

Happy May17th to all, and to all a Good Night!

[SH_]

Sleep tight Phoebe.
I hope it is a restful and refreshing one for you.

I love that you did a bird mindful meditation. Very cool that is.
D17 and I will be doing a chocolate mindful meditation tonight. It should be a good one. Chocolate! How cool is that for meditation.

[Phoebe]

Meditation comes with chocolate?!?! This I need to hear about.

Do tell. I want to try it!

[Painter]

Happy 17th of May! We were supposed to have some nice stuff for dinner but because of the poor dog who has to be completely off food for 24 hours to combat her stomach issue (she's getting probiotics and some paste from the vet), we opted for a quick meal of mostly cold food to not torture her with the scents and sights of our food.

I'm glad you connected with someone at the meetup, she sounds like an interesting acquaintance!

It sounds like a lovely day around the homestead - and a nice rest in the hammock. It's such a great sign that you were able to lay there and think about the birds without getting attacked by that raw emotion that seems to pop up when we sit still for a moment.

[Painter]

SadHub, I didn't realize you had to actively meditate on chocolate... It sounds like my normal state of mind.

[SH_]

The chocolate meditation

Try and select a type of chocolate that you have not had or do not consume often.

Take a few minutes to take in the aroma as you open the package the chocolate is in. Focus on the aroma and let it in.

Break a piece off and then visually inspect it. Look at every shape,crease,crack etc. for a few minutes. Focus on all of the visuals of the bite size piece.

Now place it on your tongue. Let it melt. Focus on the flavor. Chocolate is made up of over 300 different flavors. How many can you taste. Pay attention to your desire to suck on it. Pass that thought through. If other thoughts come to mind, gently recognize them and pass them on.

Once the chocolate has melted, swallow it. But do it slowly and feel the sensation as it flows down your throat.

Repeat if desired.

What sensations did you experience? What thoughts came to mind that you identified and passed on. What was the experience like compared to ones normal experience of stuffing it in and eating it quickly.

Best meditation ever.

[Phoebe]

OMG!! Repeat if desired? Until the chocolate is gone, right?

This I can do.

You made my day, SadHub!!! THANK YOU!

I'm just about to head off to go see my therapist. I'm super shaky again for some reason I can't quite fathom. It's been a bit better lately, and I feel fine physically and mentally, but the body does what body wants, I guess. I'm trying to ignore it, but it's even a bit hard to even type.

I'm going to talk about the more recent parts of my grief history graph with the therapist today, so I'll see how that goes, then I'm going for a hike in the park nearby, then I'll scrounge myself some food, then drive another 75 minutes to the Audubon meeting that I've really been looking forward to. I like that the rest of the day is all planned out, even if 3 hours of it will be driving.

I hope everyone had a good day today. Get the heck outdoors for a little while and get some sun!

Note to self: must buy chocolate.

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.

Ya like that chocolate meditation eh? I gotta say I was surprised when I read it. But it was very cool and yummy as well.

I think the shaking when I don't feel the anxiety is just due to the imbalances for my body related to the stress, broken diet and inconsistent exercise.

When I was at the range Saturday, I was shaking pretty good and it made it hard to aim. But I know it was not anxiety.

You may be in the same boat.

I hope things went well with all of your other plans today.

Hugs (((Phoebe)))