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#2677437 05/14/16 04:34 PM
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You can delete this and link if necessary... but I'm just wondering what DB/DR thoughts are on exposing the WAS's OM/OW's Spouse of the EA/PA. Is this mostly a situational or moral decision?

I feel that (once it's exposed on our end), it should, at some point, be exposed to the other LBS... they deserve to know, right? Give the other WAS a chance to tell first before exposing, maybe?


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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I don't know what the official stance is but personally I would expose it. Just because I would want the same done for me.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom
I don't know what the official stance is but personally I would expose it. Just because I would want the same done for me.

that's might thoughts too but if currently trying to rebuild M and expose other LBS it might cause backlash and a "teaming up" of the two walkaways... As they feel under attack... That's why I was assuming its somewhat circumstantial, just didn't know what DB/DR community thinks.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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In the DB world, it is recommended that you not "out the affair" and allow it to die a slow death on its own. Why? Because if the affair is outed, it will make it more difficult for the wayward spouse to want to come home if he/she knows that people, especially family members are aware of the circumstances.

Also, outing the affair could very well push the affair partners closer together so that they can support and protect each other from the negative thoughts and actions of others. They will do everything they can to prove that everyone is wrong and that they are right about being together.

Generally, when the affair dies a slow death, they have no one to blame but themselves and then there is no resent/anger towards someone who has outed them, therefore there is no longer a need to justify why the left.

Of course, it's up to you as to whether you want to sit quietly and allow it to die a slow death, which could pave the way for them to return home without having to face everyone along the way; or you could out them and push them closer together.

In my opinion, I would sit quietly for a bit because the affair will most likely come to light all on it's own. Again, that's your decision as to how you want to handle it. I've seen both ways take place and generally sitting quietly has a better chance of working out.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2677680 05/15/16 03:07 PM
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I outed the affair. I sent a certified letter to OW's parents and I called my in-laws and told them everything. This was after H broke NC after 2 months of trying to reconcile with me. It was an action of pure rage and I lost some face in the end. OW did quit her job (worked at the same place as my H) and moved 2 hours away back with her parents. But now I have to deal with my in-laws asking how I am deficient to drive their precious prince of a son into another woman's arms.

So.

The results may not be what you desire, be forewarned.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Consider your reason for doing so.... if it is in hopes you will make your spouse end the affair don't count on it. If it is solely because you think the affair partners husband/wife deserves to know than I would consider it.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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In my experience cheating and affairs fall into two categories:

1) Unthinking act of betrayal due to an opportunity that was acted on (met guy/girl in bar while drunk and things got out of hand)

2) Deliberate act of betrayal due to wanting to get out of a relationship, or due to pent up anger, frustration and resentment at spouse or partner.

In the first case the person who has strayed is usually remorseful and seeks to make amends. Those situations don't usually end up on these boards.

In the second case when someone cheats on you they have come to resent you...a lot. Cheating is often an act of anger.

In those cases, exposing the affair is guaranteed to do two things: (1) make the person even angrier than they were before, and (2) make them resent you more than they did before.

Is that where you want to be?

Really what is the point of exposure? The thought behind it seems to be that you can rally a community of people to shame your partner into ending an affair and coming back to you.

Could that ever really work? Would a shamed person be excited about coming back?

In the best case exposure will rally support for a person who has been wronged, but really that's all it's going to do. It's not going to improve the situation between the LBS and the WAS.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Dec 2015
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I think the official stance would be to let it die on its own. Most A's do.
I definitely would not out the A to those not directly affected (work, family members). I know there are some people that will encourage you to out the A to the A partners spouse if they are M. I didn't in my case and don't know what would have happened differently if I had. I found out my W's A was still going on after 3 months of separation and then filed for D. Doing that got the OM to confess everything to his W and that ended the A. I DID plan on outing the A to OM's W the following week but he did it before I got to it.
In my case, my W has NOTHING to be mad at me about regarding my behavior during the A or separation. I was the grown up in the situation and didn't hurt anyone. I worked on myself. If you decided to out the A to the A partners spouse, you run the risk of creating anger in your WW/WH and that could hinder reconciliation. But so long as the A is going on, there is NO chance of reconciliation. It must die before the M can be restored.
I certainly wouldn't fault anyone for outing the A to the spouse if the A partner is married. In some ways, I wish I had. But I honestly don't know if we would have ended up in the same place that we are now if I had (piecing our M back together).


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing

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