Divorces R Us

[Painter]

Juju, DB'ing isn't there to force you to fight for your M when your partner wants out. It's a method you can try if you *want to*. If you feel that your partner was right in that you weren't a good match, that you haven't been happy for a long time, I don't think DB'ing is what you should be doing.

I go back and forth between thinking that H is right and we're a very poor match and that we were both miserable and it wasn't possible to resolve, to hoping that he will 'see the light' and decide to work on it and we'll live reasonably happily ever after. But I guess it's out of my hands regardless.

[JksD]

Jjb, I have always believed that the premise of DBing is that most M can be saved and what is important is to do what works. But, even MWD concedes that not all Ms can or should be saved.

I think at the end of the day, it is we who decide when to move on. We decide what works for us. You're not thinking like a WAS. You're feeling like someone who has tried hard but is ready to start moving and healing.

The WASs leave behind in their wake a trail of destruction and we have to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I feel that we can be too harsh on ourselves.

(((Jjb)))

[JujuB]

Thanks for the responses.

OFP, I actually was not angry when I wrote that post. Not at all. In less then a month it will be a year post BD. And soon after that he physically left. The year prior he withdrew himself to the basement. I am just kind of settling in on my own feelings of not caring anymore. ITs nice.

Painter, I don't know if the issue is us being a good match or not. i don't know if life's stresses were just too overwhelming. Maybe people are just constantly changing. I go back and forth too. The only thing is I don't care if my husband sees the light because it's really not on anymore. I looked past a lot of things in our relationship but I can't look past the way he left. It's not really an option for me anyway, i was just thinking about it.

JKSD I am ready to start moving on and healing. I feel I have accepted this loss and my lack of control regarding it.

[JujuB]

On a good note.. Husband texted me this morning asking how we were doing. I replied fine. And completely forgot to look back to see if he even responded, until now. Perhaps it's detachment.

Just wanted to throw some questions out there...

1. When we went to that sleazy mediator, he was saying his advice would be for us to just get legally separated. It would be easier and no real need for divorce unless one of us wanted to remarry. I don't know why he would advise this, and I didn't really get to ask. I will obviously ask an attorney this. But doing things half way seems offsetting to me. your either married or your not right? Have others here heard similar?

2. What are feelings regarding changing name back to maiden name? I no longer want husband's last name. But I don't know how i feel about having a different last name from son. Does it make things more complicated Regarding signing for him if there was a medical emergency or in school etc? Would it be upsetting to a child for them to have different last name then their mom (primary caregiver)

[Painter]

I have no idea why the mediator would recommend S rather than D, but can you just use your maiden name-married name in combination? That's what I do. I'm starting to experiment with using my maiden name exclusively for my business.

[JksD]

For me, I would S if I wanted to work things out but still protect my rights.

I have always used my maiden name at work and have never adopted xh's surname. It's a common practice here.

[JujuB]

Jksd... I really regret not legally separating earlier. I was such a fool. I was scared cause I thought it would affect reconciliation and I didn't want to be the one to do that.

Right now I don't trust anyone. Lawyers want litigation mediators want mediation. I'm going to schedule consults with 2 more mediators and then see what I think.

I also want to ask about collaborative law.

[annab74]

Juju...I totally feel you about not wanting to R at this point. I fought for two years, but now that R seems like a real possibility if I wanted it, all I can think of is why would I give him another bullet to shoot me with when he nearly killed me this time?

I think the only benefit to a legal S versus D would be to protect yourself in the interim if you weren't certain you wanted D, if D were against your religious beliefs, or if it allowed you to continue receiving benefits that would be lost in D. I am legally S, but only because that was part of the process before H backed off on the official D filing. He and I are not legally responsible for one another any longer, but I still have all my benefits as a military spouse, health, dental, eye insurance, etc.

When we were drawing up our separation paperwork, I elected to keep H's last name for the sake of the kids. They were upset about the idea of me having a different name than them, and I just thought it would be easier for right now. That said, I have returned to using my maiden name personally and professionally outside of kid related situations. If you wanted to, I think it would be easier to go back to your maiden name having younger children who really won't understand the difference right now. Plus, if you ever remarry, you will have a different last name anyway, so it's probably going to happen at some point anyway.

[JujuB]

Hi anna.

Thanks again. I should stop thinking about anything that mediator said. Legal separation at this point makes no sense for my situation at this point. I think he was just talking a lot of...

I haven't really seen much on these threads regarding keeping husbands name...then again I am still on newcomers. My son is pretty accepting and logical and still young so it might not bother him. It's just an annoyance.

I wonder if I will ever remarry! I would like to have a partner/relationship but mine was so bad for so long...I think a healthy one is more of a fantasy for me right now. But then again, others have them so why not me ? I don't think I'm that dysfunctional! ....Just a little.

In my case, I don't think husband will want reconciliation. He said, we had no foundation to rebuild and he is totally right. I think it's actually more like 99.9 % chance that I do not want to either.

I will have to catch up with your threads... but I imagine the scary part of reconciling is understanding what the true motivation for spouses desire to return is? And will this happen again? And coming to terms with spouses character and code of ethics and morality.

[CWOL]

The one thing that makes it more difficult with a maiden name is when traveling, frequently you will get additional scrutiny at the airport. A friend of mine reverted to her maiden name and she always has to produce a document to show that they are really her kids, especially because they are mixed race. This is especially an issue when traveling internationally where the official's English ability may be poor.