It is so late... I have to wake up early and again, I cannot sleep...
I was thinking about our consult with the mediator and why it bothered me so much. I really do not have a thin skin when it comes to strangers. What bothered me, was that I am pretty sure that husband enjoyed seeing someone try to intimidate me. I recognize that I might be overly sensitive and stressed and mind reading. Husband did not like this guy either but I sensed some form of relish. Maybe I am crazy. I am aware that a divorce makes your spouse an opponent so why would I expect differently?
But It reminded me of an incident 6 months pre BD. Husband came with me to an MD consult. I started out by discussing my concerns and suspicions with the MD and the MD basically cut me short and said he needed labs first. (On a side note..I like this doctor. He ended up being really grandfatherly and very knowledgeable)
When we left my husband told me "I like that doctor. He put you in your place".
Now I don't know how I come across on these forums. IRL I am actually pretty calm and rational and I don't think any one would ever describe me as being someone that needs to be "put in their place". I was in agony during that consult too. I mean went to ER prior and no relief with morphine agony (kidney stone).
All I can think of is that my husband must have truly despised me, to enjoy the thought that someone was berating me. If I thought he was being insulted by someone I would have stood up for him. I can honestly say I would have stood up for a complete stranger if I thought that.
I don't know why this is bothering me now. Score keeping maybe? Sleep deprived paranoia? Coming to terms with the fact that my husband is not the person I thought he was?
I know rationally that none of this matters anymore. The focus needs to stay on me. But I fluctuate between anger and guilt and then sometimes I feel bad for him. He's weak.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Divorce is tough. Lack of sleep poor eating and fear of everything will get to you. Let it all go and trust that it will all work out.
Little story. My ex during the D was stoic and on a mission. Super though and mean. When it came to signing the house over to me at the mortgage agency she broke. They almost call the police.
You never what the other person is thinking. Don't energize them it will take a toll on you.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Your h's treatment says more about him than it says about you. To say that he liked the Dr because the Dr put you in your place, that really wasn't very nice.
Do all these memories matter? They will not change your h's decision to move ahead with the divorce but it will help see your h as a person with warts and all.
My xh relished the fact that my Ls weren't very competent and goaded about the fact. I guess going through D does bring out the worst in most Waw/wws?
You are tough. And you come across as a calm and measured person.
Please take good care of yourself. It really is a trying time. Your boys need you. You need you.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you jksd. I just lay in bed and get overwhelmed by memories and you are right. They are inconsequential and my husband probably has some bad ones about me.
A. Coworkers husband died. I just came home from the wake and feeling really sad. For years this coworker has talked about the major marital issues between her and her husband. Her husband was an extremely hard worker and they had a hard time relating. She was in counseling and everything. But she stood by him these past couple of months while he was undergoing a lot of suffering. She has children close to my age and I just feel really bad. Hard to express what I'm feeling.
Again, my husband chose a selective death. I am angry but I still love him.
Juju...I agree with Rick. There is no telling what's actually going on in his head. I have often described my H as a caged animal trying to escape when he first started pursuing D. It couldn't happen fast enough for him, and he was brutal and cold. Yet, when it came down to the bitter end, I signed the papers and he backed down. My D should have been finalized five months ago.
You are not going to be able to make sense of his behavior right now, so try not to give him the space in your head. You are an amazingly sweet person, and as JksD pointed out, his actions are about himself--not you.
Thank you so much for posting! I really appreciate your kind words,
I have been thinking about this a lot. Even if husband was to back down and want reconciliation, I am 99% sure I would not reconcile.
The truth is, at this point I am not trying to save my marriage anymore. I love my husband and don't want to see him suffer, but I would not want to be with someone that was capable of leaving me the way he did. Plus it would be hard to believe that there was no other woman.... Which for me has always been a non negotiable.
I have seen too many people come back on these boards years later because their spouse did the same thing again. I do not ever want to go through this again. Of course, my next partner MIGHT be capable of doing something like this. But I know for sure that my husband IS capable of this.
I am pretty sure I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, then recommit with my husband. Even if he was remourseful and had a change of heart and said he was willing to work on marriage. This isn't likely to happen anyway. I used to want so badly for this and now I don't care.
I know that my feelings on this matter go against the DB Philosophy. I know people can argue that I am thinking just like a WAS. But I don't believe that at all. Fidelity and commitment are clearly defined promises in a marriage. It's what marriage is all about.
I never broke any promises...I just nagged and had anxieties
IMO, You are 100% right... Let it out. Feel the anger. Shout it out on this forum. Bad mouth your H. Whatever you do, do NOT bottle it up, it will eat you alive.
Ironic story... I blast my W on here. And then I cry. I say nice things about W on here, and then I cry. I want her to die a slow painful death sometimes. I want her to come crawling back so I can spit in her face some days. To feel this is human.
Now what would I do if she did come crawling back? Oh boy, I don't honestly know! I might, out of weakness, take her back? I know that venting my hate has helped get rid of it, so maybe I can get by without taking it out on her later?
My twisted goal... To make such a wonderful life for myself that she'll feel like a fool for having left me. Others on here won't agree. That's ok, if it leads me to happiness, does it matter how I get there? W will never know how I got there.
