Apparently W has said to my mom she needed the OFP to keep me from trying to get her back, that she would be too weak and give in.
Frustrating because I was willing to do anything to try to work it out, offered MC, attended men's group, bought books, admitted my downfalls to her...
I was re-reading my thread..... Curious how far I have come. Well, the worst days right after BD really aren't documented here, but still interesting to reflect on it.
Here's a post I just re-read and it had even more meaning this time through:
Originally Posted By: Zephyr
I just wanted to point out that likely your wife is NOT a narcissist...just acting that way. and yes, I did want to point out that she is projecting that on you because she does not want to feel that way about herself.
I read this a few times. It didn't stick. I read it again today, have heard the info from multiple places now, it's starting to stick now. Thanks again for being another source of perspective that has helped on my journey.
So much projection from W!! So much of my self-esteem being effected by W. I always thought of myself as being fairly strong, that I could get through anything. I survived cancer with barely a blink. My kids health issues. W's health issues. Being unemployed for 6 months at a time and barely making ends meet. Why so different with this? Because I drew my strength from my W! No matter what life threw at me, love would carry me through. I relied on her way too much apparently.
I never rehearsed the vows in my head, but I sure lived them. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I guess she twisted those too, thought she was agreeing to "as long as I feel like it, I'll stay, and if we hit a bump in the road, I refuse to put any effort into finding a healthy solution to it, it is someone else's problem to make sure I stay happy."
OFP's in my county are given out as benefit of the doubt. I've heard stories about people who tried to fight them, with a whole line of witnesses testifying the accusations are actually backward (one example, she was the abusive one, filing an OFP against him), and the OFP was still granted. It is quite sickening to hear the stories.
I agreed to the OFP, without fighting it, but managed to get some adjustments made, and sounds like it worked out for me about as good as I could hope for.
Obviously W didn't think about the repercussions of her actions. Still hasn't, still is playing the victim. Still thinks I actually did the things she claimed to get the OFP. Still thinks I am following her, thinks I am wasting money even though she has spent 3 times as much as I have, thinks my atty is wasting money by taking too long even though her atty is always the hold-up.
W never tried leaving. W suggested we take some time apart, I offered to stay in the basement because our house is huge. Apparently that wasn't going to work for her. W never offered to leave. She needed to be safe from the big bad manipulator that would continue to ask her to go to MC, what an awful person I am!
W didn't ask to stay in the house in the OFP, I actually offered it to her. Stupid me! Again, what an awful person I am!
W said she'd never try to keep the kids from me. But then, guess what, tried to keep the kids from me. She says to my mom "that's just how they do OFP.s", but then at the hearing when we reviewed the details of the OFP, her atty was telling her I would have unsupervised time with the kids, she was very reluctant to agree.
There are two things I can do. First, offer MC, which I did. Second, file for D, which I did. There is nothing else that can be changed unless W agrees to the change.
The OFP will run it's course and be over in 5 1/2 months from now. She may try to get an extension, but will have nothing for a reason.
I wonder how many orders are issued that are used as a means to break up?
I've read some numbers, they vary depending on the source, but sounds like somewhere are 60% of OFP's are based on false claims. If the women play it right, they can use it for absolute control in the D, custody, etc. Luckily my W didn't go as crazy as she could have. But then again she also could have not filed for one in the first place, or could have dropped it at any time.
1. My W spending quite a bit of money. She say I have spent too much. I have it all tracked. Do I share that with her? It's a joint account, theoretically it is in her best interest to know what is actually going on with a joint account.
2. Her atty is terrible at replying. W says W may not be getting the emails from her atty that my atty is sending. My atty says she can't send anything directly to W due to the OFP. Do I dare have my mom give them to her to keep things moving? Maybe a question for my atty.
W did an OFP to protect herself from her own weakness? Because she really wanted out? Like, permanently? Even though she showed NO signs 2 weeks earlier? Ironic, just read another thread by Martin5, about how fast they seem to change.
I'm feeling a little better about myself, but I still feel stuck. I can't "show" DB'ing. I know, I know, DB'ing is supposed to be for me, not W, but leaves me in a position of not being able to do anything to try to repair this mess. As long as this OFP is in place, there is NO hope, only a continuous stream of money pouring out the door, and a semi continuous stream of tears. As long as it is in place, or at least until the D is finalized, I am having a hell of a time with GAL.
Here's the part of DB'ing I'm not getting: People on here have a spouse that betrays them, in one way or another, different for every sitch. The LBS has to do all the work? Just doesn't seem right! It's like accepting blame that we pushed them away, and we have to justify all of their rotten behavior to boot.
On the other side of the argument, sure I wasn't perfect, sure W had a 6 ring circus just packed with crazy monkeys. But it still doesn't justify the actions she is taking. Does it?
The first couple replies from people more emotionally stable than myself (or at least come across that way in their posts, LOL), like Zephyr, SadHub (SH now?), V, Cadet, JOB, etc... Stating things about how I didn't deserve the way I am being treated makes me feel better about me, doesn't make me feel better about W. But I have to find it in myself to forgive and take the high road? And still try to maintain some hope that she will realize her mistake? After the devastation she left in her wake both emotionally and financially? I don't know, I just don't see ever recovering from that with or without her. I'm scared that I will end up one of those people bitter and alone for the rest of their life!
Also from Martin5's thread:
Originally Posted By: Cadet
If you really want to learn there is much information that can be gathered here. Although most people will take my word for it, some need this information to keep moving forward. I know I did.
Knowledge is Power!
Yep, I need to know. But I don't know that it is possible to get the answers without talking to W?
I'm scared that I will end up one of those people bitter and alone for the rest of their life!
from what I've seen, those people live a $hit life because they refuse to move on from the past and can't accept and forgive. they get stuck in all of thier hurt and pain.
you asked me a question about loving wife enough. I admit for years I did not love her the way she wanted. I did not show thise loving gestures that made her feel loved. I did show her or at least tried to, on my terms.
I know better now. the idea that I went out of my way to prepare a special meal or set up an outing for her came from my heart. ro her, it just came across as something I did. it was not her primary love language so she did not receive it the same way I intended. have you read up on love languages and needs of a.man or woman yet. if not, they are simple books....well worth your time.
yes, i show wife loving gestures all of the time. it is a gentle struggle of trying not to overpuraue her or project my needs by just acting as if i would want things done for me. giving to her unconditionally, without expectations, silent contracts or without a catch. ithe is not easy to learn and there have been times i need to remind myself that love is a choice...we can either chose to give or chose not to. a subtle reminder that it comes from me.
we give because of our love and admiration for our partner, not because what we think we can get from them we give because that is what what i chose to do. we set an example to our children and to our spouses. we don't punish them by withholding love and affection because of something they did or something they said. turns out that is abusive behavior that i am sure many on the LBS side of the fence are guilty of in our old marriages.
my wife has told me that she does feel loved. I know believe only 1/2 her love reserve will never fill back up as long as resentment in her heart is held onto. s9 I practice gratitude and appreciation in hopes she learns that from example to help rid ourselves of that evil little bastardizzone called resentment.
the two concepts overlap so much, it bears repeating. unless you are able t9 let go of all your pain all your anger and resentment towards wife you will never truely be able to love openly, by yourself or by someone else.
we have done that our whole marriage, especially with physical touch (if wifes main love language is not physical touch, as I suspect yours is not, she.may have pretended like a champion or does enjoy the physical, bit that is not thier primary love language and as such does not feel the same importance of those acts as say you or I do) does that make sense?
I promise to get a new thread up today...I've been so terribly busy at work. plus I sort of put myself on notice to stop spending so much time on this site and a coupke others at work...hard to type like this at home, unless I do before all the others get up.
