Wow, the infamous V posted in my thread... Just made my day! I'll check out the link, thank you.
I'm in no position to protect my children. She filed the OFP against me, she unfortunately has all the power over the children, I can't talk to her at all.... Unless you have some other ideas for me?
Filing OFP is really disturbing if she was using it to exploit and manipulate the system.
Mustardseed and a poster named angel I believe and I'm sure others had to deal with similar situations. Might not be a bad idea to read up on those, because you need to be careful that you are not baited... You speak with so much anger (I totally get this. It's a reaction to some pretty bad behaviors ) and I notice you seem to insult wife's level of intellect frequently. I hope IRL you have Control of this so that it cannot be used against you.
It's hard coming to terms with the real dynamics of a relationship. I struggle as well. Sometimes I'm not sure if the ways i behaved dysfunctionally were reactionary to behaviors that were dysfunctional. Or if I had trouble communicating or who knows.
I wish i had more advice other then to focus on you, watch your behaviors and reactions, and do everything legally that is in your own best interest.
That is an impressive reply. I haven't checked, I hope you posted it in your thread also.
I thought I had read most or all of your posts, maybe not. I don't recall reading the negatives you say about your W in what I read, at least not some of the really serious stuff you posted in my thread.... Maybe I missed it. I now see why you feel the way you feel. Even after your extremely well written post, the question isn't totally gone. Have you shown her enough love? Not help, not being happy, but recoprocating love. A sweet post from you on Facebook for example? Again maybe I missed it if you have. I know I did not reciprocate enough in my M, at least not at the correct time. Regardless of your answer, it is your journey, your decision, and I will continue to follow your story.
I don't know what her intent was. She claimed wanting to reconcile at the hearing for the OFP, was upset when I filed D, met with my IC, but refused MC. I am confused! I think at the end of the day it just follows the script, and I am sure I am to blame in her eyes because I filed D... With no thought about the fact that I sit in limbo with no house or money or toys for my kids... And she gets to go out and have fun with our toys, gets to live in our house. I can't "force" her to see that I guess. I shouldn't have to explain it to her, if she can't see that, she lacks the insight that I would want in a M.
The sad thing is, the things she listed in the OFP have slight connections to reality... A very very skewed reality. Not the r@pe thing though, that's over the top, but she does seem to honestly believe that one too, I think.
I will look up those threads you talk about. It is frustrating, I never wanted to learn about all this legal stuff, so I just always kept my nose clean. And here I am fighting things and researching things I have never even heard of to try to save my own butt, while she's out having fun.
I agree about being baited... I wonder that too. Not just to be insulting yet again, but I honestly don't think she is smart enough to figure some of these things out.
But she seems to think I am having her followed, truth is it is a small town and stuff gets back to me whether I want it to or not. So she already thinks I am taking the bait, but I'm not. Sad, scary, I am afraid to be anywhere near her.
Yeah, I have some anger. It is one of the things I am working on. I believe she was hyper sensitive to that too, even though I think she actually had more anger than I did. Did she cause my anger? Well, better question, did I allow her to push my buttons by having buttons? I will have to admit yes to that one. When I realize anger coming out, which I did about 1/2 the time, I can stop it instantly, return to a calm state and talk calmly. I think that drove her even more crazy though, maybe came across as cocky, which was never the intent.
I was hoping the insults in my head would help me detach. Sometimes it does. Sometimes not. Sometimes it just brings more guilt about feeling that way about someone I loved. I just can't find any other reasons to give up on her, other than recent actions.
I knew all along she was super sensitive to insults, so I was always very very careful to not say anything that was insulting. I slipped once early in the M, said she was acting like a child. She was very upset, and not an angry upset but more of a sad upset. I felt terrible and made sure I never said anything like that again. I would put money on it that she remembers to this day, 20 years later. I felt so bad that I remember to this day.
I know I am guilty of not respecting her... Her book smarts, never bothered me, it never came out as resentment, I know that. If she asked me to help the kids with homework, I never thought anything bad of her. When she didnt think things through and it caused either serious inconveniences or it was hurfult, I know I vented that freely.
I know I yelled at times I didn't need to. I know I told her afterward that I didn't need to. I even asked her to help point it out if she noticed, if she pointed it out I immediately apologized.
I thought we had some fairly standard M issues, that we were working through some of them (obviously without help from MC or reading material though). I thought we'd get through this, and things would continue to improve.
Unless she has recordings or witnesses this is he says, she says.
Please get legal advice and fight. Get some decent evidence in your pocket. Conversations with your children, diary entries, emails and texts. In this type of sitch it is usually those with the best evidence that has the best legal journey.
If you can record some stuff, frankly I have seen this before. It's a minority tactic and called 'triangulation' in this case using the legal system as the third party.
These children need protection from the out of control WW.
Men are often afraid to fight for their children, you must do so and I guarantee your R with your children is vital to you as your children are yours for life.
Keep your buttons out of pressing reach, stay calm, breathe. You can. Always have another adult present when dealing with difficult issues with WW.
When in doubt say naught.
Yes do not be fooled, please read Mustardseed thread, or Ancaire,
Schermann managed to fight for his kids, as did Joe whose spouse was a sex worker.
It's easy to be discouraged when the law is involved.
I will keep checking in, giving you some fighting spirit.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks again V. It's kind of too late at this point, as of yesterday actually. The D papers are all signed. I have a decent amount of time with the kids, not great though. Summer will be 6 out of 14 days, school year 5 out of 14.
The things she does with the kids are not necessarily endangering, but not real smart. Hanging around people who drink a lot is not against the law, unfortunately. If they get caught drinking and driving with the kids, that would be bad, but I "think" she knows better than that... Or at least I hope, she would never have done that when we were together, but who knows now if that was her values or mine. In between she does some good things too, in fact I wonder if she is after the "favorite parent" award. I'm not playing into it, I just do things with my kids just like I always have, let them see things for the way they really are.
I have discussed this many times with my atty. She said that if I brought it to court with what is out there for evidence at this point, I will likely end up with less custody, not more. The fact that the OFP exists is the primary thing against me... Even though in it's current form it has nothing to do with the kids, it's still a major point against me.
A few months ago S11 was having some health issues. W brought him in, got meds, and was super nice to my mom that day, super nice, reasonable, talked about me, though mostly not so good things. Said she hoped we could be civil some day for the kids sake. Since then she went back to being silent. S11 had a bruise, was bothering him for a few days, so W brought him to dr. today. Afterward W called my mom, was all polite again, after not talking for months.
W said she didn't understand the custody schedule, hoped I could explain it to her, through my mom, write it all out on a calander. I thought about it for a while, and decided no, it's not that complicated, it's it my job any longer. What is my job is protecting myself, so I had my mom text her instead about her excess spending and the 20k in legal fees because of her OFP. Apparently W was so upset she couldn't talk to my mom, so had her mom call my mom. They went back and forth, the crazy stuff they claim I am spending money on, totally ridiculous, I'm not buying food or clothes or anything, just spending enough to pay for gas, and we're bouncing checks. Oh I can't wait to get her off my checking account and let her sink her own ship!! They also talked about her paranoia of me following W, so hopefully she gets off of that horse now!
I don't know. I don't get it. I guess I never will.
The good news, I am getting fed up enough with this mess, it is really helping me detach. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. The anxiety is definitely coming down. The pile of stuff I wanted to vent to her, some of it has now been indirectly vented. I read in someone's thread about treating your W like a sister. In my case it's like a daughter than needs to grow up and learn things on her own, with no control or even help from me any longer. Rope dropped!!!
I don't know what her intent was. She claimed wanting to reconcile at the hearing for the OFP, was upset when I filed D, met with my IC, but refused MC. I am confused! I think at the end of the day it just follows the script, and I am sure I am to blame in her eyes because I filed D.
Don't be fooled by talks of reconciliation. My husband did similar after he received petition to pay child support (i had asked a few times before filing)and then never mentioned it again after i proceeded with court and became really upset with me when I brought it up.
If they really want to, they will make it happen. So do what's in your best interest.
I am so happy that vanilla recognized your wife's use of the legal system as something to be weary of. I think you do have to proceed with caution and try not to get hung up on all the unfairness of what she's doing OR the sentiment of a lost love...It's a waste of energy and won't help you at this point. Maybe save it for later because right now you need to be smart about things. Getting access to your kids and protecting yourself is number 1.
Sorry, I just saw that your divorce papers are signed... I have no legal background, but in these situations isn't it worse for someone to make false accusations against a parent in order to keep them from seeing kids?
