Job, I don't get it... I found from facebook album of husband's brother, husband and his parents and brother gathered many times without me in past nine months. I'm the one who care and love him even he bombed me like that. He moved out, he refused to come home, but he seems quite 'happy' to be with family. He is the one who has issue with parents isn't he ? Does this mean he is working on the issue with his original family/parents ?
I know my question sounds strange, what kind of question it this; you must understand the feeling I have. The LBS gets confused, why we become the target of husband's spewing, projecting. If the MLCer has any issue with his parents, why doesn't he just go to his parents and get things cleared...
Babe, Of course you don't get it. You aren't the one in crisis and they do things that don't appear to be rational to us, but rational to them. Your question is not strange because we have discussed this topic a few times here about how they appear to reconnect w/family members that they've not had much to do w/for many years over. Yes, they appear to be happy family members in the photos and at gatherings, but no one knows if that is true or not...only they know for sure. So, please don't assume anything when it comes to a person in crisis.
What you have seen is very normal for the MLCer. When they go back in time, they reconnect w/family members and that's where they have to be at that time in order to figure out what happened. They have to go back there, learn about themselves and those around them in order to better understand and accept that they weren't at fault for what happened to them.
Babe, it's not easy for them during the crisis and like I have pointed out many times...they HAVE to go back to the time where they were emotionally stunted in order to hopefully grow up after facing their fears/demons, accepting what they couldn't and still can't change in the past and then start moving forward to grow up. Some will talk to their parents about the situation during this replay time and others won't because the person or persons who treated them poorly have passed on. Those who have parents or authority figures that have passed on may be lost for a long time and may not come out of the crisis as mature individuals and some will seek counseling...it all depends upon the individual and how they cope w/their crisis. No one knows how each person will deal w/their crisis...all we can do is hope and pray for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for getting back to me, how is everyone ? I was busy for a month, did not hear anything from husband ... Good news is he stopped pushing me for divorce nor yelling anymore. It is good isn't it ?
Why don't you tell us what you have been up to...you don't necessarily have to post all of the time about your h. We are also interested in how you are progressing on your own journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I work normally, eat, sleep normally, I do travel to a small town to the east coast of my country, where I visited a priest and I met some new friends, volunteers who helped the priest. I attended the church group but I don't text or email my husband as they told me to. I also enroll a french class (14 lessons, twice a week, basic class, I always want to learn that language)
Spent lesser and lesser time in focusing on the other person or my husband, mainly I pull myself all together to find my life back.
Have no children, so I have plenty of time in doing what I like to do, the things I've never done to myself; travel alone, be a student again, go to church, meeting new friends. All these took me one whole year... look back, I did not know how I got through after bomb dropped.
Feeling lonely sometimes... enjoy being alone sometimes.
Hey everyone and Job; hope you are all doing fine.
Am I on the right track ? Leave him there, I did not see husband for five months, he never call nor pushes for divorce these days. I just keep on doing the things I do now ?
We always celebrate his birthday in Sep. Last year, we had dinner together, I got him birthday card and a beautiful cake, later I found that he was having the OW at the same time. This year, I don't know if I should be planning any thing regarding his birthday. What is your suggestion ?
Hi Babe, for me with birthdays - first one after BD I sent a card, this year I mentioned HBD in an email (replying to one of his.) Next year I wouldn't plan on acknowledging it in any way.
I certainly wouldn't be making plans for his BD and at most would consider a card or text from you.
JMHO of course :)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Anniversary dates are such a hard one. Like Sotto said (and this is only my opinion) I would not do anything big for you h birthday, if you feel like you would like to acknowledge it in some way then send a card or text but don't expect any response from him, only send it because you want to, that way you will not feel disappointed if he does not acknowledge your gesture.
I sent my h a text but that was only because around his birthday both years he was in contact with me, otherwise I would not have bothered. This year is a bit different but I still wont be doing anything big, just a small gift and card.
You sound very independent, wow french, that's great - are you planning a trip to a french speaking country or learning just because ? I admire you, I was useless at french in school lol.
I find loneliness comes in waves. It took me a long time to be ok with my own company, I am still not great at it, but I accept it as part of learning about who I am. Sounds like you are trying out new things which is great, it takes time to find out what fits, its a new path of discovery you are on.
If you want to send a card, then do so...keep the card generic, i.e., nothing too sentimental or mushy. If you send a text, just say "Happy Birthday, I hope you enjoy your special day" and leave it at that. Nothing more, i.e., very plain and simple.
Also, do not get upset if you don't receive a call or text back. Some do and others don't. Continue as you have been and if he responds, be pleasant, but have no expectations.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto, thank you for your advice. Frankly, I'm not in that mood - dinner, birthday present, special event... I use to make hotel reservation and plan for trip to the east coast as birthday gift for him in past 6 years. I will send a card or give me a text this year.
LouR,((hug)) thank you !! I'm still learning. I do feel lonely sometimes, specially during holiday. weekend, Husband and I had no kids so we spent most of our time together before bomb dropped; after that, I collapsed. I tried many things but then I realize it is a matter of time and it is a process of learning. First we face it, the fact that things are different, and deal with the damage husband brought to family. Start to find a new life style. I do everything for myself now. I always love Paris, traveled two times to Paris(I'm useless at french, I enrolled the French class years ago and I quit) There will be fourteen lessons on 7 weeks. the class begins next week.
Job, I'm speakin to myself, repeating it to myself - the best thing I could do/help him is leave him there, leave him in his world. Leave the space of growing, keep the silence and he could do the thinking. Am I on the right track ?
