Life 2.0

[Phoebe]

Good for you! I am so glad t hear that you are back in an easier place again, and that the roller coaster ride relented for you.

Congratulations on your first booking! You are on such a streak of activity, both socially and career-wise. Enjoy all your get-togethers tomorrow.

Go to the potluck if you think it would be good to socialize with the people, and skip it if you think it would make you feel worse. Trust your instincts.

[Phoebe]

Just checking in today, Miss Painter. I hope that you have had a lovely day.

[Painter]

I wanted to post yesterday but never got around to it. My thought for the day yesterday was to forgive ourselves. We're talking about forgiveness in connection with a partner who deserts us, but I think we're often hard on ourselves and need to be more forgiving of ourselves.

Today turned out to be a nightmare. I had just clocked in for a shift and sat down with my manager for some training when my phone dinged with a message. We're supposed to keep them on silent, so I pulled it out to mute it, and quickly glanced at the incoming message in case it was something I had to deal with.

A friend of H - I received an odd message about H and OW from him before that I posted about about a month ago - had sent me a screen shot from OW's Facebook page. It was a picture of her and H smiling into the camera at a restaurant. She had framed it with some kind of effect with flowers. The photo was taken the day before yesterday, the same day I was chatting with H and he was telling me where the organization he was visiting for work was going to take him and his colleagues out for dinner. They always take them out one night for a really nice dinner - I know because I used to go there with him.

H's friend said in the text to me under the screenshot, 'Guess everything is over now since this is posted on Facebook in the public'. I have no idea why he sent it to me or what he was hoping to achieve.

(I later noticed that there were 17 likes and 'loves' below the post. Clearly, she has many friends who support her in her 5-year long effort to steal my husband.)

What hit me extra hard, was that I had just relaxed and accepted that H was not lying about having no contact with her. I learned that he was going back from the trip on Friday afternoon (he was going to take care of something at home then), which seemed very unlikely if he was going to spend time with her. He has said he broke it off before Christmas, but I was always suspicious (not surprisingly, with him having lied several times before about it). After our text exchange a few days ago, I finally relaxed and thought, okay, he *is* telling the truth. It is finally over. Maybe he won't file for D in 5 months.

Then this. I started to shake and then cry, and had to leave work and go home until I was able to calm down. Before I left work, I called H from the car and he answered, so I let him know how hurt and upset I was. He initially tried to work up a bluster and tell me she wasn't there, but I cut him off and told him I had the photo in front of me. He got calm and more serious. He tried to cut the call short once to go back to work, but I told him he needed to finish this conversation and listen until I was done, and he did. He said some odd things - that her being there wasn't worth it ('it' being the pain and suffering I'm experiencing), that it was just 'okay' to have her there, and he tried to make it sound like she just came up on her own initiative. She's two states away so I'm guessing she flew in. I told him I didn't believe for a second that she just showed up, and he admitted he called her and told her where he was. Maybe I should let her know that he's making it sound like she's chasing after him.

I went back to work and was able to stay mostly distracted for the rest of the day, and as soon as I came home, I took my anti-anxiety medication because I could tell I was breaking down again. My son has been very compassionate and sweet, and my SD has been texting with me and then we had a long chat on the phone. She is going to see her dad when he comes back (she is visiting our home state for a couple of weeks) and she's dreading it. She doesn't know what to say to him or how to talk to him. She feels that he is on a self-destructive path, and she will never accept OW in their lives. She is going to tell him that and try to make him realize what he's throwing away through his choices.

So in short - a day in hell again. I'm going to take another pill and see if I can get some sleep. I just hope I don't have any of the horrid dreams I have at times.

[Painter]

So I know I probably shouldn't send H a text, right?

I hope his last night with OW was ruined and that he was upset with her posting the picture. He says he hates Facebook...

[Phoebe]

Oh no. Painter I am so sorry that happened. We know that we can't believe a word they say, and yet we so want to trust them when they tell us something. It's that heart-brain disconnect again.

That any woman would flaunt a blatant affair is disgusting all around, and it's worse that someone sent you a copy of the photo. I would have had to leave work, too. Heck I probably would have been down for the count.

Definitely skip sending him any texts. He knows that he has hurt you. Nothing will be gained by miring yourself in another conversation with him. Protect yourself by creating space between you , both in terms of time and communication distance. And definitely don't contact her. It won't change anything.

Keep your chin up and stand tall. You have much to be proud of, whereas their behavior leaves nothing to admire at all. He can say he hates FB all he wants, but what he really doesn't like is that his actions were documented and then shared. Affairs flourish in secrecy, and his actions saw the bright light of day and he's not pleased. He knows what he is doing is wrong and hurtful, and he needs to soak in that knowledge.

Take your meds, cuddle up in bed tonight, find some ice cream if you have any appetite at all, and just pamper yourself for a while. You have certainly been through so much.

I'll check back in on you later.

(((Painter)))

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, in one way I wish I could, but I'm working for the next several days which may be just as well to focus on.

A friend did some search this morning and showed me that she found OW's Pinterest page. There was nothing but wedding dresses. All put up about 3 months ago. This confirms to me that it was H she was calling her 'fiance' last summer and that they have plans to marry.

I called H and left a message for him to call me because I wanted to discuss rushing the D through. I said I figure he wants that and that I have found a way to do it if that's the case. I will tell him when I talk to him that I know about the wedding plans.

I am totally done and right now feel disgusted and dirty being married to him. I want out as quickly as possible. This really was a turning point for me.

I'm e-mailing L today to see what we can do - I know of an option but I need to check if it's feasible at this point.

[Zues126]

I'm so sorry that this is your reality.

This is wrong. So wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

I'm coming up on 2 years from BD, and over 18 months since I found out the reality of my sitch and that it was truly over. In the time that's passed I still can't get my head around it. It is so monumentally and profoundly horrible that trying to make sense of it is just not possible. This is wrong to the very fabric of the universe.

Nothing will ever make it ok. Time will pass and as years roll by your brain will lose interest in trying to make sense of it. It's like playing with one of those metal ring puzzle games where you try to get the ring off the apparatus. You mess with it for a while and then just shrug and realize you're not going to solve it and it's not that important. Well, this may be important but after you spin around the why's and the how's enough times in the shower or on your way home from work eventually you'll lose interest. I still find my brain going down those paths, but most days it's just a back ground distraction and doesn't really occupy my time.

Still, there are times when it will flare up and demand attention, and there are times when I am compelled to cycle around the senselessness of the situation. How could anyone make such a decision? How does XW rationalize this to herself, and does she actually believe it herself or does she realize how destructive she's been?

The endless heartache and lack of any meaningful resolution only shows how wrong this path really is. And I'm sorry you're in this mad house.

I know what you mean about this being a turning point. I went through a similar turning point. A point at which my mind just blanked and I went numb and I had to let go. Not because I was trying to detach, but because it became self-evident that I had to let go.

It's odd, I guess that's what the WAS's tell themselves when they check out. They reach that numbness and feel the same way. The big difference is they feel that way over adversity in the relationship, whereas the LBS feels that way in response to betrayal and a destroyed family.

While you've been on the forums for a year, I really do feel like this marks a new BD, and a new day 1. Just wish I could take some of your burden on this day. Of course, it's not totally true, in terms of skills, in terms of detachment, in terms of working towards salvaging yourself, you've come so far. I would never wish anyone to have to survive this, but I know you can.

And the last year wasn't a waste. I know it can seem embarrassing to realize you were putting in effort into a dead relationship with a lying cheaterpants, but it wasn't stupid. It was strong and noble. You'll be able to walk proudly for the rest of your life. And though this isn't a pure thought, he'll remember that forever, and have to deal with the difference between you and this home-wrecker. I don't want to go down that path because who knows, maybe ignorance is bliss, and he finds happiness with a dysfunctional relationship and a horrible woman. Who knows. Getting back to what matters is you knowing you did what is right.

As for advice, I don't have anything too rigid. Personally I don't believe I'd do much more confronting. If you need to go down a cheeseless tunnel for some type of closure you can, but it's just going to be a rerun. Him lying to you about what he did, then minimizing it, rationalizing it, turning it back on you, telling you that you are exaggerating things or misunderstanding, that your issues had nothing to do with her, that she was just a supportive friend while he dealt with the destruction he feels you caused, whatever. If you want to read the script you can do so on other posts, nothing will change by putting a coin in the machine and having him spit it out at you. For me I never wanted to even entertain that BS. I basically just shook my head quietly and never looked back. Whenever she's tried to engage and spew her script at me I just tune out and respond to the parts of her messages that I needed to respond to. I won't even justify it with a response. That's how I prefer to handle it. But you may be different, and that's ok.

What I WOULD recommend is not saying anything that's non-factual. If you tell him you know about the wedding plans, he can tell you that you misunderstood the pictures, that they were for her friend's wedding, blah blah blah. Whatever. Point is, you don't know they had wedding plans. What you DO know is that he was cheating on you while you were married and discussing your relationship, and that it is proven there is zero chance of working out relationship issues while a third party is involved. I'd prefer you stick to non-negotiable facts and just say that you find cheating to be the most despicable betrayal imaginable, and for him to string you along with pretense of reconciliation while eliminating any chance by involving a third party is beyond disrespectful. Again, I don't know what's gained by guilting or punishing him, but if you need to do this then that's what I'd stick to.

Again, for me I don't even think he deserves that response. He doesn't deserve to get your reaction. Personally I just keep that to myself. I've expressed ZERO emotion in any way to XW since the revelation, I don't engage, and I just stick to business and keep my distance. I don't want any type of connection with that woman, I don't want her to know what's in my mind, and there's no amount of emotional distance I can create that is too much. Any emotional interaction is continuing the relationship, and that's a relationship I want dead, buried, and in an unmarked grave.

OK, I got a little carried away again. Clearly this resonates with me, and all I can say is that I loathe what he is putting you through. You don't need to be angry eternally, but for today I think it's ok to punch a few pillows.

[JujuB]

Hi painter

I am posting from cell, but I really wanted to reach out to you. I am so so sorry that you are dealing with this and in pain. I am glad that this is going to be your turning point.

I really agree with everything zues posted (love the term lying cheaterpants). Especially regarding not acknowledging him with a response. He is not the person you believed him to be when you married him.

When I first signed onto these boards I was pretty firm in my stance that I would never reconcile with someone that cheats. Even once. After reading these forums for a little less then a year, I am more committed to that belief. You are a loyal and faithful person, but you cannot make someone else be loyal and faithful. You cannot rationalize or argue or guilt them into behaving that way because they lack that quality. I don't buy or accept the fog theory.

All you can do is choose to move on. He needs to be cut off. Trust me, it will feel good.

You are such a independent, intelligent, beautiful and strong woman. You don't need this man for anything. You have been so unhappy and frustrated and worst of all betrayed. By allowing this to continue you are not treating yourself the way you are expecting your WH to.

We all know you would be writing this to anyone of us on here so why not to yourself?


Hugs

J.

[Phoebe]

Hi again, Painter. I'm so disappointed to hear that your H has turned out to be such a schmuck, or as Zeus put it so well, a lying cheaterpants (awesome phrase), and I am just so sorry that this latest bomb has has triggered so much pain.

That said, it also sounds like you have just tapped into a new well of strength. Use it!

He doesn't deserve you and, quite frankly, he doesn't deserve to know the reasoning behind your change of heart about wanting to rush the D through. I wouldn't talk to him at all. Just get the ball rolling as quickly as you can with as little contact as possible. I absolutely agree with what Zeus said about contacting your H. Do it if you must, but know that that lying WH victim script is what you are going to hear. I doubt that it will leave you feeling any better.

You are an incredible woman. Honor yourself, Painter.

I wish I could hand you one of my little chicks this evening to give you comfort. I can hear them peeping right now, and I think the concentrated dose of cuteness would do you a lot of good. Picture a sweet little chipmunk-striped yellow and brown chick, and know that I am sending that little bit of sweetness your way tonight.

Try to rest, Painter.

[Painter]

Thank you everyone, I'm doing surprisingly good. 4 hours of sleep sometimes gives me a certain clarity. I have worked late and don't even feel very tired now. I'm a bit disgusted and not particularly sad.

H called me back. He doesn't want to rush the D. He is 'very comfortable' with the way things are (cake eating, I assume, he probably thinks we can reconcile whenever he feels like it). He even argued the benefits for me to stay S and not D.

I said I was surprised, that I expected him to want to get it moving since he has wedding plans. He was incredulous and said he had no such plan. I told him that I had seen OW's wedding dress choice that she posted 3 months ago, and he said he knew nothing about it.

I think he was honest. I can tell when he is, he has a certain down-to-earth tone and includes unflattering things about himself. At those times, I can ask him about almost anything and he'll answer me straight, even if it's sometimes hairraising stuff that comes out.

I asked him if he didn't want to D because he was protected from it getting serious with OW if he wasn't available. I think I hit the spot, judging from his reaction, although he had perhaps not thought about it so clearly.

We talked some more about OW and I suspect he's using her and she's trying to rope him in somehow. They probably deserve each other. He still claims he had not been in contact with her since before Christmas, until now.

Then he suddenly started getting defensive and whined about how I hadn't hugged him when I left. Seriously? Complaining about me not hugging him when he had basically banished me from my own home? If he wanted a hug, he could have given me one. Sorry, not validating that one.

I have e-mailed back and forth with the L and she recommends not doing anything differently. She says it will be expensive and can be tricky, and may actually take longer, even though the waiting period requirement is waived. I'm tempted to talk to someone else as well. But because we have signed an agreement already, it's probably too late.