Life 2.0

[Painter]

Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2668400&page=11

I don't have a whole lot to say today. My main thought is that I'm fine with whatever happens. There are a lot of advantages to not being with H. He is a very angry person with poor impulse control. We have radically different values. Our interests are also very different so it was difficult for us to find something to do together (very few things H would do, all daredevil stuff I was afraid of).

I can do what I like now, and not be berated for it. I don't have to worry about his mercurial moods. Not that I'm always Ms Sunshine, but I'm able to say 'Don't mind me, I'm just grumpy today.' H never had the self-insight to realize he might be in a bad mood and not everyone were idiots or out to hassle him. I could say exactly the same thing to him one day and it would be okay, another day and he would have a major blow-up. It's difficult and anxiety-inducing to live with someone who is very unpredictable and volatile. One of the last days before I moved, I was sitting quietly in the living room and H suddenly started raging in the kitchen. I went hot and cold - a real physical shock experience - before I realized he was angry at something else than me. I told him about my reaction and he seemed irritated. It was always me 'overreacting', 'not letting go', etc.

After a month of being cold and mean, he's nicer in the e-mails. We still don't communicate about anything but logistics, and it's all extremely brief, but he said 'thanks' in two e-mails in a row. He hasn't thanked me at all for a month. It may be from getting the deed to the house signed over, he's happy he's got it to himself now, so feeling more benign towards me.

It's the same dynamic. He wants something, he is angry until he gets it, then is happy and doesn't understand why I'm not happy, too.

[Phoebe]

You sound like you are finding a nice balance in your new life, seeing the positives of life that you did not have when H shared your home. peace and quiet can be priceless beyond measure. Your physical reaction to your H's rage says quite a lot, and I'm glad that you have the space you need to heal from those experiences.

I hope you have a good night's sleep, Night Owl Painter. It's only midnight here, but I'm an hour into my Benadryl and melatonin and am feeling like I may actually be sleeping quite soon. Yeah!!!

[Painter]

I'm an hour behind you so coming up on midnight here, too. Hope you are asleep and stay that way until at least dawn! I'll shut down the computer as soon as I'm done here.

I haven't felt well today so spent it resting (doing computer work). Tomorrow, I'm going to look at a place where I can possibly rent space one day a week for my practice (I work with holistic healing). My new employer is in a related business and is very supportive of my practice, so I hope to be able to combine this without a problem. With my part-time work from home job, I should have more than enough to do!

Also seeing my counselor tomorrow. I was too ill to go to the Divorce Care meeting yesterday, but it actually brought me down a little last time - I feel like I have more or less processed those feelings already and it was a little like dredging up stuff.

[Phoebe]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that the DivorceCare dredged up the old stuff. I wonder if I'll be in the same boat when the new series start up in September? What was the subject of the last meeting?

Also sorry to hear that you're feeling under the weather, and hope you're feeling better soon.

I slept great for a while, but woke up before 6 am and mostly stayed that way. Still that was a few hours of really good sleep.

I see my therapist on Monday. I'm back seeing to him once a week, and I find that I miss talking to him more often. I've been wanting to talk to him about my grief recovery homework for days now!

[Painter]

Phoebe, the last meeting was about forgiveness. I feel like I have forgiven H, in the sense that I know he is not doing himself any favors and is making bad choices for himself out of helplessness and dysfunction, not malice - and I honestly feel I'm better off than he is.

I got a good night's sleep, glad you got some, too, even if it wasn't a long night.

The space I went to look at today was perfect and the owner was very nice, so I have agreed on renting a room two half days a week. Very excited about this schedule I'm putting together - it will be busy, but flexible.

I saw the IC today and we had a nice chat about how well I'm doing, and that contact with H brings me down. No surprise there?

I also wanted to talk to her about whether it was co-dependency or denial or another unhealthy aspect that made me hang on to the M and still be willing to work it out, but she felt it was more a deep committment to the M and also because I'm a 'doer' and believe things can be fixed and worked out.

Tonight, I still have to make some business cards and flyers for tomorrow's event at the store, so need to get going on that.

I just requested to become a member of a local art Meetup group - I hope to find some people who would like to meet regularly for an open studio. It's so hard to set aside time for art at home, there's always something that seems more important.

[Zues126]

Hey P, I never know what to say on your thread but want you to know I'm reading and rooting you on.

Yeah, peace is the consolation prize of the loss. Not worth the price, but since you don't get a choice might as well take what it brings. Glad you're finding things to be appreciative about.

You're handling things well. I get the backslides during contact. XW just emailed me yesterday and there were several things that were painful. She asked for something and used the phrase "I'd prefer not to get the courts involved" twice during the same topic (I never suggested I'd be uncooperative). She referenced again how we're not a fit for each other (I haven't hinted at pursuit for 18 months+). And she mentioned she was disappointed I accused her of making up our S's behavioral problems as a ploy to gain custody (in our social services meeting I only mentioned that S didn't do it at my place...not that I didn't believe her, or it was her fault...but I thought that was pertinent information in regards to understanding the dynamic...and she interpreted that in the worst possible light). While it's her journey, it is still hard, seeing what things have come to, and it can be a downer.

But my motto is "I only have to deal with it a few minutes a month, she has to live like that". Helps me stay compassionate as best I can. Which has room for improvement.

Glad you're doing well on that end. Not much I can add, you're already in a good spot. Reminds me of my health class, on my final there was an essay question "What can you do for someone who is terminally ill?" and being the spirited lad I was I wrote "try to shift them from acceptance back to anger..." Yeah, I didn't like school. Anyway, you seem to be standing pretty strong and tall, not much to offer. I know it's not easy, but it's cool what you do from where you are.

Keep making great things happen.

[Phoebe]

Interesting and sad how it's that contact from the people we love(d) that brings us down, whereas all three of us feel better when our spouses are mum.

Congrats on getting that work space lined up. You really are on your way!

[Painter]

So homesickness has set in a little - I looked at pictures of H last night and that was probably not very smart. We texted briefly this afternoon about non-essential stuff and he was friendly. Although he said he was doing a lot around the house and I immediately think it's to make it nice for the arrival of OW! In spite of knowing he's having family visiting later in the week.

I initiated but also ended the convo to take a nap, so at least did something right.

Wondering why I can't let him go. So many things that make us a poor match.

Had a busy morning with community activities at work and marketing my services. Also joined a local meetup art group and hope to get an open studio group started.

Not feeling well again today, tried to sleep but kept waking up.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, plan on going to a festival with son.

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry that you are feeling homesick, Painter. Even though the new town is exciting and has a lot to offer, it's hard not to miss the simple comfort of familiarity - your home, the town you left, the familiar faces, the familiar ways of your spouse...

As hard as it is, try not to read into H's work around the house. Mind reading is useless and self-defeating. Your brain may tell you that you weren't the best match, but your heart still has feelings for him.

Photos really can be difficult. My computer screensaver is all photos from my hikes with H. There are so many beautiful photos that I haven't had the heart to change the photo set. Unfortunately, sometimes I look up and I see H looking back at me. It's tough because these photos have always been a comfort to me. I loved those hikes. I could sort out all the pics with H, but that seems juvenile.

I hope that you feel better soon, Miss Painter, and that you sleep a little better. Enjoy the festival!

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter. I'm just checking in to see how you are after yesterday and to say hello.

I'm looking for your thought for the day, too! I need some inspiration.