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DDJ Offline
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You're doing well EDF. Nice and calm and steer the ship into the open seas. Maybe you'll be able to bring it back into port one day.

You can never real tell when it's cake eating. My WW wants to do things together, make food, she's helpful around the house. It's like she's normal again, except for the selfishness and rebellion when I push her away. Guess thats always the worst way to test whether or not they're in the fog.

Painter's comment about choosing an infatuation that she could not get rings home to me too. I do believe that an A is really an attention seeking act. It screams "Look at me, look what you created".


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Very true. I suppose ultimately time will tell how much was genuine and how much was posturing!

Speaking of an unattainable infatuation,the OM has told W repeatedly he just wants to be "friends" (which seems to mean EA-only) cause "his kids are so important to him", yet she pursued.

The OM dreamboat is also an overweight alcoholic... Did I mention one of my flaws according to her was that I kept tempting her to break her diet?!

Some days I just want to throw her to him and watch the fireworks.

Just venting mad


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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VENT AWAY; my WW's OM2 has a GF and is leaving to Europe next week for 2 months, so my WW appears to be sticking to OM that are already attached. Not sure what OM3 will look like but who knows, only God.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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During the late-night talk we had a few nights ago (her talking, me validating), one of the things she had mentioned was actually that she had kissed a different guy (not current OM). Someone she met dancing and texted for a couple weeks in late march/April before it stopped (confirmed, for now at least). I knew from earlier talks when she had initially asked about an OR (Open Relationship) that she had been interested in him, but she hadn't admitted to anything happening before.

I wasn't sure how to handle it at the time, and she had just kept talking, but knew I wanted to circle back to say something. Ended up doing that this morning.

I told her I didn't want a big talk but had to respond to something from earlier; managed to stay calm. Was trying to thread a line to get several points across:
1) Try to encourage an environment where she felt she could be honest with me; hoping to leave the door open for her to come clean about the current OM at some point. That I didn't think she was a bad or evil person if they kissed or did more than kissing; good people make mistakes.
2) Communicate that what she did hurt and was a betrayal of my trust, and if we decided at some point that we both want to put energy into building a new/better relationship, that she would have to work to regain my trust.

I said what I needed to, and then left to shower.

I don't know how to feel about the results. She followed me into the bathroom and she calmly did more talking while I showered. I listened and validated.

She communicated that:
- She accepted responsibility for her actions; she said she was a little drunk but she could have stopped it.
- "I don't agree that I have to regain your trust, I mean I understand it, but... It just happened, its not like I was out trolling for guys" (I responded that even if the kiss wasn't planned, her wanting/pursuing something more with him for a while even though she was married was a betrayal of my trust; she had no response to that)
- They only kissed (which I believe based on the texts)
- She doesn't regret it, and she enjoyed it.

Sigh. I mean, it wasn't anything I didn't already know from earlier snooping. I guess it's a positive that she revealed the kissing herself, and came forward with details without me having to drag anything out. It's good that she seemed to accept responsibility for her actions rather than turning it back on me.

I take those as signs that she is perhaps not *as* buried in the fog as she had been, and am trying to focus on the "not believing what she says and only half of what she does" thing but the "not regretting it" statement was a real kick in the nuts.

Gotta refocus on GAL/Detaching and come up with some awesome weekend plans for myself...

Wife just called while writing this... let it go to voicemail... will see...


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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Wife left no message; called me via work and asked if I had a couple minutes to talk.

- She said she was sorry if she hadn't told me about the kissing before, she thought she had and she wasn't hiding it or anything.
- She said she understood how the kissing could be viewed as a betrayal, but didn't feel it was a worse betrayal than the past 17 years of me ignoring her.
- She reiterated that she was sorry but she didn't regret it, that she held off for 17 yrs and it "felt good to stop sacrificing for other people and just be in the moment". Said she probably didn't feel as guilty as she knew she should.
- She couldn't guarantee it won't happen again.
- Said she hoped I had a good day.

Just. wow. Not sure how to respond confidently to that without it coming across as an Ultimatum, or me being a doormat.


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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Hello EDF,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Do you need to respond? She is admitting that she has no regrets and is justifying it in her own mind. Especially since she is wanting to be in an open marriage. It is important to set boundaries. It is hard to do without it coming across as an ultimatum if you aren't careful.

Let me know when you would like to schedule more time with your DB Coach.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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DDJ Offline
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You don't respond. Make like she never said anything. You're bigger than that. She is belittling you by saying she can't promise it won't happen again. Mine said "nothing has happened YET"

I was like, thanks for the reassurance. The don't believe what they say also counts when they spew acid at you.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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EDF Offline OP
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Thanks for the input Cristy and DDJ!

Originally Posted By: DDJ
The don't believe what they say also counts when they spew acid at you.


I needed a reminder of that. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that right now she is even more mentally and emotionally [censored] up than I am.


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 172
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EDF Offline OP
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So, I guess my wife is getting dressed to go dancing. OM is out of town (at Disney Land with his kids), and her other "friend she kissed once" actually reported to jail today for his 2nd OWI so I'm pretty sure it's neither of them. She says she just wants to go and have fun; she "might call me to join her but she wants to check out the place first".

Getting tired of this bullshit fast. When do I get to stop being the strong one and have her do some of the heavy lifting again...


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
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DDJ Offline
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EDF, sorry to say it, but there's most likely OM3, or she's just going out looking for him.

As for whether or not you're being the strong one - ask yourself this - who has control over the situation?


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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