Some days are better than others

[doodler]

I think there may have been a misunderstanding; Just to be clear, when she said "I love you" it had seemed genuine to me. My "love you" response to her I think felt pretty emotionless/perfunctory.

EDF,

Whew! You're right; I misunderstood. I thought she told you it was a perfunctory "I love you."

You got me riled up.

[EDF]

Yesterday WW sent me an email. It included a somewhat wordy apology, and ended with "I love you and always have", but the main payload was her attempting (again) to sell how the EA part of the "friendship" was over and rationalize why she is "hesitant" to give up the friendship and should be able to still be friends with OM.

I'm not budging on the no contact requirement. It doesn't matter to me whether she honestly wants to be only platonic, or if it's purely lies, or something in between; If she wants back in the M fully, she will need to 100% ditch her special friend. I haven't replied to the email. Got home late last night (work+gym) after she went to sleep. This morning I gave my usual light & breezy "good morning" greeting; not sure if she returned it, but when that happens I don't let it get to me anymore. Other than that she was quite cheery and talkative.

WW and I have plans together tonight (she had invited me last week). I haven't gone dark or cut her off completely since she is doing a lot of things better, but I think I've been doing solid at least at interacting with her more on neighborly terms as opposed to H and W. She has definitely been noticing me being available less.

On the GAL front I've really been enjoying my cheapie gym membership the past couple weeks. I joined a Planet Fitness rather than going back to the cardio classes my wife and I used to go to together (and she still does) - it has let me start doing some weight lifting as part of my exercise, which has always been a wish of mine. And gives me more "me" time. I think I might start bringing shower kit with me so I can shower at gym rather than driving home to shower... keep her guessing a bit.

[betterm]

And gives me more "me" time. I think I might start bringing shower kit with me so I can shower at gym rather than driving home to shower... keep her guessing a bit.

Planet Fitness is fun, I was a member there for a little while, the craziest people come in there and do the weirdest things. I guess that's what you get for $8.99/month or whatever it is. HAHA. It's like going to Wal-Mart on any given Sunday... the CRAZIES are out!

I like that you're getting out and doing more things you enjoy. And I too, prefer to shower at the gym when I did have a gym membership... I'm confused though, Why are you trying to keep your W guessing? What's she guessing about? I'm assuming you are attempting to create a mysterious aura to yourself? lol. I'm not against that at all, I love mysteriousness. Do it for yourself though

[EDF]

Exactly, mysterious aura. Just want to follow through on being more mysterious and less predictable. Not doing it to try and get a reaction out of her per se, but while she is still holding on to her OM in whatever fashion, it's not my responsibility to make her feel secure in our relationship.

[EDF]

Ended up having a good night out with WW. It was an out-of-town concert she had invited me to; she was friendly the whole time, and she was obviously putting effort into reacting to things less negatively. I got home a bit later than expected due to work, and then we got to the concert late due to highway construction and congestion near the event. However, rather than spewing or making passive-aggressive comments like I'm fairly used to, she took it in stride and her only real comment on the matter was that next time maybe we should just make a whole day of it. Despite the setbacks we only missed the pre-pre-band that we didn't even know was playing, so all turned out good.

We were in the GA pit in front of the stage where everyone was packed in shoulder to shoulder, with people jockeying to try and get closer to the stage. I had a hand or two on her hips through most of it so we wouldn't get separated. I suppose that was a pursuing behavior on my part, but after deciding to go together... eh. I tried to keep the contact from being overly intimate and allowed space when feasible, but I didn't give it much thought/concern and just enjoyed the concert. Once we were out of the concert and roaming the fairgrounds I was back to light & breezy and no touchy.

Next day she texted me "Had fun with you last night!" and ended up suggesting three other upcoming events as options. I didn't commit to anything.

[EDF]

WW resent me the same email. I asked her about it, to see if she just wanted to make sure I got it or if there was a change I missed? Apparently it was still in her Draft folder so she wasn't sure if she had sent it.

Anyways, I ended up responding verbally to the email; hadn't responded to the first one initially, but figured some of the content was worth responding to. I thanked her for the email and the apology. She had made a comment about "wanting to move forward but everything she does doesn't seem to be good enough". I responded that I appreciated all the effort she was putting into things and felt she was doing most of what I would want to see if we were to commit to building something new and better, but felt that that wasn't really possible while the dude she cheated on me with was still in the picture.

I used an analogy of a doctor fixing a gunshot wound, doing all the right things (antiseptic, bandages, etc), but deciding "ya know what, I think I'm going to leave the bullet in this time". Told her we need to get rid of the bullet completely; that we couldn't heal and rebuild while her "special friend" was still in her life. She half-chuckled rhetorically at my special friend comment. Don't remember my exact words, but I said something like, "You don't seem to like me calling him your affair partner, so I figured I'd try that one. After all of the emotions and intimacy you two shared, he's not exactly a normal friend. You have a lot of friends, but if you want back in a relationship with me that one has to go." Her demeanor during the talk was not un-friendly.

I had been working on not "reiterating" things, but I wanted to take the opportunity to make sure she knew that my going to the concert with her did not indicate that I was changing my mind about letting her stay in contact with OM. That was pretty much the end of the conversation and I went to do my own stuff. A bit later she volunteered that she knew OM had to go, but she needed some time to process things. I said ok and left it at that. I was tempted to tell her faster was better, or tell her how to do things, but didn't want to be controlling. I figure if/when she is ready to follow through she will let me know.

So that's the news. I won't call it 'good' news because the words alone don't really change my present situation. Maybe nothing will change, maybe she will go full-on NC, maybe she will just hide things more. Back to upbeat but aloof.

[EDF]

Tonight on her own WW brought up the topic of breaking contact with OM again. WW is offering full NC, but says she wants to deliver the message in person.

I don't think that's a good idea, but how to respond? I can't force her to do what I want. I don't want to give it as an ultimatum. If she insists on doing it in person, do I completely ignore it and not count it as being "real" NC until she e.g. does an email that I help write? Or do I accept it as a tentative partial step forward understanding that true reconciliation will be a many-month or many-year process?

[EDF]

So, catching up a bit.

WW was really hung up on breaking contact in person. Claimed she needed it for closure. She volunteered that she was trying to meet him Saturday night "to break contact" whereas she could've lied about that. She claimed that if he wasn't able to meet in person, that she would do it via email, and surprised me with a draft of a NC email... the email did seem written by her and not just a copy-paste job, and reasonably worded.

This left me in a pickle. I wasn't about to put a stamp of approval on her breaking contact in person, but I can't force her actions so I didn't try to tell her she couldn't see him again. I didn't give her an ultimatum. I did say that even if she met him in person, if she really chose to go NC at some point that would mean sending an email we write together and that her ongoing actions would have to show commitment to that, and she would have a lot of work to do to regain my trust and win me back.

That night was pretty weird. Both of us were all over the place emotionally. I did my best to try and keep mine internal, but I'm sure I did more talking than I needed to. After OM saying he might be available, he ended up not getting back to her. I know (snooped) that afterwards she sent him an email saying things like "Tonight was likely the last time you'll ever see me", a mixed message of "I really wish things could have been different, but really knew it was never going to be", and ended with "I'm giving this marriage one more try. Take care of yourself".

Next day I stayed aloof, went and did my own thing, didn't respond to her texts except for one with a direct question about groceries. In the evening she asked me to look at her NC email and tell her if it needed any changes "so we could send it tonight and move on". I made a couple suggestions which she added to the email before I saw her send it.

...

My gut tells me she is not fog-free. Her actions so far have kinda been communicating that she is in an improved place than she was on BD (she's doing a lot of things right in her interactions with me), however she's still essentially trying to set her own expectations for what rebuilding would mean, as opposed to coming from an angle of complete humility and "doing whatever it takes". I am doing better at standing my ground on things, and calling her on it if she makes ridiculous statements. When I do stand firm on things, she seems to push less and backtrack much faster than she used to. She still made some comments about feeling it was unfair that she had "all the consequences" when I had been emotionally unavailable for so long, and trying to make me feel guilty about not trusting her, but those tactics are not catching me off-guard anymore. I calmly point out that I already suffered a lot of consequences, and that I don't trust her about OM because she spent months deceiving and lying to me, and she drops those points quickly.

I don't view this truly as "piecing". I don't really trust her NC at this point, but it's not like I'm going to tell her "no, don't break contact with him". Just going to continue to watch her actions.

She seems earnest in wanting to stay with me, but I'm confident she still has some degree of feelings for OM, even though she says "just friends". I'm not sure if she intends to truly commit to NC, or if she's going to just try and be better at hiding it.

I really want to send an email to OM, basically saying "My wife has asked for no contact. If you contact my wife, I will send your fiance copies of your emails."

Is that still a bad idea? My thought is, if WW is truthful about wanting NC or at least giving NC a test-drive, that might help lock it in from the other end as well. If WW is lying, it might still scare OM off. If she's really lying, it could of course backfire and push them closer together. If OM complains to WW, even if she was honest about wanting NC, it might piss her off to learn I have copies of the emails.

[AndrewP]

One thing I keep reminding myself about is that this isn't about OM. It's about W and I and our family.

Another thing to worry about as well is that if you contact OM or his fiance it may backfire. OM goes crying to W, W (who probably still has feelings for him) comforts him saying what a monster you are etc etc etc.

You'll need to find some way to trust W that she will abide by the NC. Think instead about what can be done by yourself and W "together" to create that trust.

[doodler]

"I'm giving this marriage one more try. Take care of yourself".

EDF,

There's something about that statement that raises my hackles. Grrrrr...