Looking for Support

[SH_]

ahmeds,

What are you going to do today to fight the depression? You recognize that you may have set yourself up for this. Are you going to continue down the same path of setting yourself up for disappointment moving forward? Is this a cheesless tunnel you are wandering down?

I do not mean to sound harsh, but please apply some emotional first aid to yourself immediately , stop cutting the wound further. Have you watched the TedTalk I recommended? I would highly recommend that you reach out to a professional for assistance with the depression. An IC, an MD, someone that you can trust and can assist. But know that you will also need to put in some of the work to turn this around.

Please be kind to yourself today. It is a challenging time once you receive this news. You had hoped it would not happen, and now it has. Don't lose hope, just place it onto a different place.

I have hope for you. I have hope that you can take the advice shared with you and apply it. I see in your posts that you understand the advice. Please share with us that you are applying it.

Again I do not want to come of as harsh. I am in the battlefield here with you and the bombs are falling all around us and we are both injured. We can sit here and pray a another bomb does not fall on us. Or I can scream and holler and be direct to you to get up, get moving and lets get out of the kill zone where the bombs are falling.

Take care of yourself today. Find some action that can relive some of the pain, so that you can take some steps to start the healing process. Focus on you.

(((ahmeds)))

I am here for you. What ideas do you need from me that I can share that you can take action on?

[ahmeds]

SadHub,

You don't ever have to apologize for being too harsh. I appreciate your honesty, and I know everything you are saying is being said with the intention of helping me out.

You're right about it being a cheeseless tunnel, I've found myself here before, where things are seemingly good, and out of nowhere another bomb drops on me. I'm better off when I don't speak with him, because when I speak with him, he acts like his normal self with me. The playful, loving man I fell in love with, that is what gives me hope. I don't understand why he acts like everything is normal between us, maybe it's a way of lessening the guilt?

I let myself feel the pain from earlier. I cried about it, laid in bed for a little while, but then forced myself up. I prayed, and I went out and bought myself a nice lunch. For this evening, I have plans with a good friend who is in town, so it'll be good for me to get out.

I loved your analogy of being in a battlefield. You sound like a very wise man, and your W is pretty stupid not to realize that (sorry for being harsh).

I don't know what it is about my situation that makes me feel like I HAVE TO help my husband. He's had SUCH a tough life. From his dad abandoning them when he was a toddler, to being abused when he was a child by his mom, to getting stage 4 cancer in college (TWICE!). He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions because that side of him is so messed up by his life experiences. As soon as someone hurts him, he does not know how to put his guard back down. He holds up a wall of resentment, and doesn't know how to let people back in. I firmly believe that's what is happening with our marriage now, and that's what is keeping me from accepting the divorce. I've definitely done things wrong in the marriage that really hurt him, but I've learned and grown into a better person. I know I am different, I just wanted him to stick around to see those changes, but he just won't open back up.
I know I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but it hurts me to see that he won't accept my help and see that we can truly have a fruitful marriage again.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to our old place and pack the remainder of my belongings. I think that'll help me gain some closure as well. He said he'd help me because I cannot pack, load, and unload everything by myself. Then he said we'd get dinner afterwards. To me that's MIXED SIGNALS. Makes me SO confused. He acts like a caring friend, and then he still goes on with the divorce. My plan is to just be as cordial as possible, not show him any emotion, and just show appreciation with the fact that he is helping me out.

Thanks again for your advice. i'll keep posting here.

[ahmeds]

I realized I did not answer some questions. I watched the Ted Talk last night that you recommended, and it was a great. I read a book on a similar topic called Emotional Intelligence. It was a great read, and it gives you tips on how to take care of yourself emotionally.
I"ve been seeing a therapist since we separated in November. I saw one for a few months last year as well after finding out about the affair. But, the one I've been seeing since November has been a huge help. My H and I went to her together, and we made a lot of progress with her. Unfortunately, she's quitting on May 31st, so I'll have to find another trustworthy therapist. I'm definitely putting in work of my own to get myself back on my feet, it's just a very heartbreaking process, especially since I love my husband so much.

[SH_]

I let myself feel the pain from earlier. I cried about it, laid in bed for a little while, but then forced myself up. I prayed, and I went out and bought myself a nice lunch. For this evening, I have plans with a good friend who is in town, so it'll be good for me to get out.

Perfect! This I like to hear. This is the way to give that emotional first aid. Very well done and I commend you for doing this in such a difficult day for you.

I loved your analogy of being in a battlefield. You sound like a very wise man, and your W is pretty stupid not to realize that (sorry for being harsh).

Thank you for the compliment. And I don't think you are being to harsh. . I have been in an anger stage of late and I have used similar words my self. Not out loud mind you, but the sentiment was the same in my mind.

I don't know what it is about my situation that makes me feel like I HAVE TO help my husband. He's had SUCH a tough life. From his dad abandoning them when he was a toddler, to being abused when he was a child by his mom, to getting stage 4 cancer in college (TWICE!). He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions because that side of him is so messed up by his life experiences. As soon as someone hurts him, he does not know how to put his guard back down. He holds up a wall of resentment, and doesn't know how to let people back in. I firmly believe that's what is happening with our marriage now, and that's what is keeping me from accepting the divorce. I've definitely done things wrong in the marriage that really hurt him, but I've learned and grown into a better person. I know I am different, I just wanted him to stick around to see those changes, but he just won't open back up.
I know I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but it hurts me to see that he won't accept my help and see that we can truly have a fruitful marriage again.

I would encourage that you check out material about codependency. This can aid you and answer questions that you have about your desire to help him and wait for him in spite of his poor behaviors towards you.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to our old place and pack the remainder of my belongings. I think that'll help me gain some closure as well. He said he'd help me because I cannot pack, load, and unload everything by myself. Then he said we'd get dinner afterwards. To me that's MIXED SIGNALS. Makes me SO confused. He acts like a caring friend, and then he still goes on with the divorce. My plan is to just be as cordial as possible, not show him any emotion, and just show appreciation with the fact that he is helping me out.

Thanks again for your advice. i'll keep posting here.

These are mixed signals. And you will believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. You will make a decision that is best for you at this point. If him helping you move will cause ongoing confusion and hurt emotions, then politely decline his offer and find assistance from a friend or someone else.
If going to dinner will lead to you feeling uncomfortable and confused by his actions, then politely refuse and do something else with someone else. You do not owe it to him to accept any of these offers.
Personally I think it is time for you to minimize your contact and conversations as long as the back and forth that you have been dealing with can stop.
You owe it to you to heal now. You can not fix him. He must do that on his own now.

Please take care, avoid the land mines that he is placing on the field by not walking into the field.
Sleep well and may your day tomorrow be a good one.

[SH_]

Great to hear that you found the TedTalk beneficial.
2 others that may benefit you are about happiness.

Look for Shawn Achor and Matthieu Ricard. These both focus on adjusting ones point of view in order to control happiness from within.

A good therapist can be a challenge to find. That's a tough break that the one you like is quitting. I believe you will find another good one. I am sending out positive vibes so that you will find an even better one.

[ahmeds]

Thanks for all of the tips. I will definitely check out the other Ted Talks you recommended.
Last night was extremely difficult for me. I honestly don't know why yesterday was so hard. I guess it was because I realized he turned the paperwork into the court. Maybe that was a sign for me that all my efforts were worth nothing to him, whatever the reason, I had a rough day and even rougher night. I did spend some time with friends, but as soon as I got in the car to go home, I had a panic attack. I just couldn't contain it anymore. Of course in that state, I made the HUGE mistake of calling him. He started by comforting me, but quickly became frustrated. He got frustrated because he felt like I couldn't control my emotions, and I got frustrated when he said that because I feel like I am in this emotional state because of his cheating and lying for most of last year. I know I messed up by contacting him, it was a very big setback for me, because I was making progress.
It really hurts me and makes me depressed that he does not see the changes I've made within myself, he's just not waiting around to see that we can recover from his infidelity. I know I should've been stronger in how to handle it, but I'm only human, and I was extremely hurt and betrayed.
At this point my goal is to completely let him go. I guess this whole time I had hope that he'd come to his senses, he wouldn't go through with it, that he would come back because he realizes it's a mistake. Everyone around me believes he's making a mistake, he's the only one that does not see it.
Sometimes the pain I am in becomes unbearable, and I feel like I cannot get through this. I feel wronged and like I was taken advantage of, especially since I stayed when most people would've left.
My heart is heavy, just need to take it a day at a time. Hour by hour.

[SH_]

ahmeds,

Please research co dependency. You need support and assistance for this so that you can break the cycle.

It is difficult to see you going in circles and putting yourself into the situations that are sending you reeling like this.

You must start taking actions that are counter intuitive to the actions you continue to fall back on. 180's so to speak, stay out of the cheesless tunnels, etc.

You need to make your efforts for you. Cut the rope, for your sake, cut the rope and let him fall. Do not let his action continue to pull you down.

ahmeds, I am praying for you.

[Phoebe]

Ahmeds, I've gotten really behind on your sitch, but I see that we are probably at the same point, legally, or I may be a day or two behind.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I knew it was absolutely possible that H might never wake up, but I was still shocked to find that he had actually started the legal process to end our M. Your grief is your own and I can't ever truly understand it, but know that you have my support in your struggles.

What I most wanted to say to you, though, is this: just as we didn't break them, it is not in our power to fix them. We cannot shoulder the blame for their unhappiness, even if they try to put that weight on us. Ultimately everyone, including the WAS, is responsible for their own happiness.

I believe many (most, maybe even all???) waywards are fundamentally broken in one way or another and they are out frantically self-medicating their wounds in an attempt to feel better. They are looking outside themselves for the healing that can only come from within. They have their own journey to make.

Put on your own oxygen mask first and take care of yourself.

You have to let your H be broken. He is not your responsibility.

(((ahmeds)))

[ahmeds]

Thank you SadHub and Phoebe.
SadHub, do you have a specific book you recommend on codependency? I looked it up this morning, and there are a lot of books out about it, I just want to make sure I read the right one, so I thought I'd ask you before I committed to reading one. Thank you for your support and kind words. You're absolutely right about all that you said. I finished packing my stuff today, which was extremely difficult, and he helped me load and unload my car. We managed to be pretty cordial the whole time.
Now that logistics are done, paperwork is done, I have no excuse to reach out and speak to him. He did say we could potentially get together sometime this week, but I honestly think he is doing that out of guilt for putting me in this state.
I can't help but believe he is doing all of this to be with the other woman. He has some strange behaviors still, and I saw that he purchased something from a Gucci store for $900...I have no idea what that was, and who it was for, but of course my mind went straight to the other woman. I am so tempted to snoop because I just want to know if this is for her, but I know that would just be another cheeseless tunnel for me, so I will fight that temptation.

Phoebe, my heart goes out to you. It's so heartbreaking when you first find out the WAS began the legal process. It makes everything feel way more real. I pray that you get through this in a strong manner, and pray that you will get something better out of this situation that you are currently in, because you certainly deserve better. Hang in there.

[SH_]

Good morning ahmeds,

Google best books on codependency. I don't have a particular book that I could reccomend, but at this point I would encourage you to pick up several.
When I have a topic that is important for me I want to see many points of view and then align the common principles. For you at this point, any information will benefit. Even internet articles will get you started.
Now mind you the term codependency is based on one partner that typically has a substance abuse problem, but the theory has branched out from there.
When I read your posts, you are showing signs of codependency and that is why I highly recommend that you study up on the topic. I would encorage you speak with your IC as well. He/she should be able to assist you and may have some particular material or strategies for you.

You are right to avoid the snooping at this point. You do not sound to be in a position to handle that very well. Do not keep cutting the emotional wounds on yourself so to speak. One of my favorite movie lines that applies in real life so often comes from the movie The Matrix.
"Ignorance is bliss"
There is a reason that MWD advises against " snooping" when doing the LRT.
It is because it causes us more pain than it is worth. Please be strong and resist that urge. It does not matter why he bought whatever he bought.

I am going to give you some homework and be your accountability partner.
I expect that you take action and report back.
Find 1 book and 3 internet articles or videos about codependency today and start studying.
Tomorrow share your thoughts and feedback on what your studied.
Do you accept this challenge?

I will be here to support and push you.
We must get out of the bombing zone. We must heal our wounds.
We owe it to ourselves and our families, and God.

May today present you with some peace, and moments of joy ahmeds. You are a good person in a challenging situation. I will be here to support you