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ahmeds Offline OP
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I'd like to hear some thoughts about telling family members from his side about the affair. My purpose is not to get members from his family on my side, instead it is to hopefully get him some help and have them talk some sense into him.. In the end, it may not do anything, but as Michele says, if I am going to accept the divorce, I want to make sure I don't leave any stone unturned.
I just think it's odd that he has not told any of his family of his decision, and if he has told anyone, he just says it's because we don't get along, and that is not the case, AT ALL. We get along just fine, yes our fights may have been unhealthy, but, on a day to day basis, we got along just fine. We made SO much progress through therapy, I just want someone to make him see that divorce is not the solution to our problems.
I know at the end of the day, he's the only one that can realize this, and no one can stop him from doing this, or force him to stay. I'm just trying everything. Despite all that he's done to hurt me, I do not want to lose him..

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ahmeds Offline OP
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I got through the week okay, and didn't talk to my WAH all week. He texted me today asking how I was doing, and I responded in a cordial manner, but kept it short. Even with such a small conversation, my anxiety and depressing feelings came back. I do so much better when I don't talk to him, but as soon as I start talking to him again, all the negative feelings and anxious thoughts come back.
I'm not sure how to move forward with the process of the divorce in a amicable manner if I take 100 steps back every time he reaches out to me. I make progress when I push him out, as soon as he's back, even if it's for a conversation that only lasts a few minutes, I feel very weak again. Granted, I do not show him emotions, and I didn't let him know how I was feeling, I just don't know how to be stronger whether I am speaking to him or not.

Hoping someone has some advice.

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He's ashamed and guilty of his actions. My WW has closed out every single person that really cares for her M, as they would not condone her behaviour. She now only keeps her new friends around. Meanwhile i've told the world, which was probably not a good thing, if an opportunity for reconciliation arises.

As for the anxiety, it's because after you have spoken to him, you wonder what he's thinking, is the chat going to bring you two closer, or take you farther away. That's when you need to rather live in the moment, your moment, look around you, keep him out of your head.

You don't need to do anything about the D, let him do all the work, sign when you're happy. Not for him, but for you.

Do you deserve a no-good cheating husband? No one does.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Ahmeds,
You need to be more forgiving with yourself. Of course you feel all turned around after he contacts you. This man was to be your garment of protection and instead he hurt you in the most awfl way a spouse can hurt another. But you are taking the baby steps necessary to start detaching. This technique is more trial and error than an exact science. You try different things, the thing that brings positive change work, the thing that causes a spiral into arguing and conflict do not.

About exposing the affair, you will read different philosophies. In my case this is what I did and the consequences. I sent a certified letter to OW parents and I also called my in-laws and told MIL everything. The letter resulted in OW quitting her job and sending my H a NC text as well as a text to me profusely apologizing. (desired result but that was no guarantee) Telling my in-laws was a huge mistake. My MIL now constantly asks me why I was an inadequate wife that "drove him to find another woman." It's gotten to the point that I avoid calls from her. She is from another culture, a misogynistic one, that will lay the blame at the woman's feet regardless of how perfect she is.

If a divorce does occur in my case I do not plan on protecting H. If he lies and someone asks me about the divorce I will bluntly tell them it was infidelity. IS this the right thing to do? For me it is but I can generalize to everyone's situation.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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ahmeds,

I am sorry that things have been difficult this week. Be gentle with yourself.
Check out the red talk buy Guy Winch. It can share some ideas for the depression and anxiety.

Continue to DB with the focus of GAL, and healing yourself.

Keep posting and reading others situations that are similar for support and guidance.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Ted Talk by Guy Winch.

Sorry spell check not helping me here.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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ahmeds Offline OP
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Thank you all for your responses. Reading them makes me feel human. Like I am going through this process to the best of my ability, and the things I am feeling are NORMAL. My H made me feel guilty for my anxiety and depression, and told me I was not a strong person. It was like being kicked while down, the feeling was awful. But, after being here, I realize that I am not as weak as he portrays me to be. I stood by his side through the affair, I wanted to be his protector and someone that would help him wake up realize he can be happy if he just allows himself to be. I've also realized I cannot force him to see any of this. I can only depend on God, and the fact that He will give both my H and I what is best.
I did decide against telling anything to his family, at the end of the day, they're his family, so no matter what he's done, they're going to stand by his side.
As for the hope I have within my heart, it's still there, and I think will always be there until I've completely dropped all communication with him. Right now I am confused because of some of his actions. He plans to come over to my place tonight, just to hang out. We don't have any reason for this, especially since we do not have kids involved, but I'm okay with him coming over, actually looking forward to his company, but I don't know if it's what's best, it may be desire beating logic right now..but I'll wait till he reaches out to see if he even does come by.
Thanks SadHub for the suggestion on the Ted Talk, I will definitely check it out.
I've been on this forum constantly, reading and learning from other's experiences. I hope I can be strong enough to get through this and come out a stronger, more stable person.

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I would not recommend making yourself too available to him. He needs to prove he wants you back and will work for it. I would find a reason to spend just a half hour and then "have plans" and go out. Even if you're going to a book store or drive around, just don't appear as if you are waiting around pining for him.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Posts: 35
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ahmeds Offline OP
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Good suggestion SadSara. I'm not sure it's actually even going to happen. I will not reach out to him to ask if he still plans to come, and if he doesn't let me know, I'm not even going to mention it. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for me it's a pretty big deal. Baby steps...

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ahmeds Offline OP
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Found out this morning that he did go ahead and file the papers with the court. I don't know why I had hope. For some reason I thought he wouldn't go through with it. Up to this point, I constantly stood by his side, waiting for him to wake up and realize his mistake. Dreaming of a world where we are back together again because he came back to reality. I knew having those hopes and dreams were not healthy, so I did this to myself, but I'm feeling pretty depressed today.

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