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ahmeds

I know the pain that the emotions can cause and there are difficult. But it is important that you seek out the means to heal and grow from it. Study DR, seek out an IC, therapist, see an MD, if needed, and any other means that can aid you.

Focusing on him and blaming will not help. It is natural to have those feelings but over time it will simply keep the wounds fresh and in pain.

It is time to focus on you.

Keep posting, there is support here, but look to take the needed steps to move yourself in a positive direction.

I have you in my prayers, and hope you can find some peace this day.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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I was in a very similar situation as you, still am but there seems to be a silver lining. My H had an affair with a co-worker (21 yo nurse where he works in another state every other week) and even proposed she be a "second" wife. All while I was back home taking care of our two young children, pregnant with #3 and working 40+ hours a week as a resident physician. I pleaded, screamed, punched walls, sobbed and everything else you aren't supposed to do. I threatened divorce and saw a lawyer twice. I called him every vile name in the book and probably invented some new ones. I found the address to OW's parents and sent them a letter explaining the situation. They were shocked and confronted their daughter, she quit her job and moved back home with them.

My marriage was ashes at that point. I started researching DBing a month ago, hired a coach and started posting here. I did the 180 even when I wanted to vomit from the pain. And you know what? It looks like it's working. My H went from aloof, cold, cruel and nasty to a guy that is calling me twice a day and starting to pursue me. It's not fireworks yet but the responses are starting to come. YOU can recover from this, I promise. And in the end your marriage may be salvageable, the right way, with your dignity intact. If not then you still leave the marriage gracefully and with dignity.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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ahmeds Offline OP
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I am very thankful for the responses I am getting as they are very helpful to me.

Cadet, I did read over the links you sent me, and plan to implement a lot of what I have learned.

SadHub, I totally agree that I need to focus on myself now, but for me that is so hard. I know it sounds pathetic, but he was all I had. I am in a new city because we moved here together a little over a year ago. I don't have any family near me, and haven't made many friends yet, so it's been so hard because I am alone ALL THE TIME.

SadSara, you sound like a very strong individual that has learned from their situation. I admire that and hope that I can become strong in that manner myself. I've actually debated contacted the other woman's parents myself, the other woman was actually a close friend so it was like a double betrayal for me, and both my H and the OW never admitted to anything, and I feel like they got away with things without consequences. I know it is not my job to make them face consequences, but it just adds to my pain knowing they got away with so much.

I loved the DR book. It has helped me so much, and I plan to reread it so I can focus on strategies that will help my situation specifically. I've hired a coach and will be having my second session with her tomorrow. Despite that, I do have set backs and I do things that I KNOW are pushing him away more and making him resent me even more. I'm honestly worried that at this point if I don't accept it, then it'll be emotionally unhealthy for me. He has given me the paperwork and is demanding I return it signed to him by Monday. I am going to write out the last resort letter with my coach tomorrow, and I plan to deliver it to him with the divorce papers. Would you guys advise that I do it that way? Or should I give him the last resort letter, and then give the divorce papers a few days later? I'm still being hopeful, but at the same time trying to move on with my life. I know miracles can happen, and that's exactly what I would need at this point to make this marriage survive.

Thank you all again.

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Ahmeds,

Please take some time to breath. Your posts sound self defeating and as if you are spinning a lot. Trust me I know the feeling and look back and am thankful for the folks in my very small social circle and on these forums for being direct with me in those times. For that I want to be direct with you and as they say around here, here is a 2x4.

You must turn all of your focus and energy to yourself. Do not worry about what he has done or will do. There is no controlling him, so focus on controlling yourself. I know first hand how challenging it is to create a social circle. My WAW and children are everything to me and I live in a place with no family. I am very introverted so I don't have many friends either. But this is the time to step out and make a social circle. It will be a challenge, but if you do it you will ease some pain and you will get stronger. Please do it. Check out the web site for Meetup.

Listen to your coach, that will be your best bet. If he wants a d you can not stop it. Your coach can advise how to proceed though. Know that there are not one size fits all answers. But if you do what you believe in, not what you feel, then you will be better for it. DB is counterintuitive but it is the best way to help you become the person you need to be to stand tall no matter the outcome.

Accepting what you can do and what you can become is the most important.
Breath, be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, look towards yourself and what you want to be. Following the strategies in DR will help you DB until you are the person only a fool would leave.

Follow other threads to see folks at different points in this journey. This can give you perspective, hope and knowledge.

Please forgive me if this sounds harsh. My goal is not to make you feel down. It is to ask you to stand up and believe in yourself, take a chance to do things that are not in your norm or comfort zone. I send you my support and have you in my prayers.

Breath, take special care of yourself, and use the gift of time to your benefit. You will not regret it.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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ahmeds Offline OP
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HI SadHub,

Thank you so much for you honesty, it was not harsh or taken the wrong way at all. It was what I needed to hear. We've only been married 4 years, but during those years I always put him first, so having all this time to myself and putting myself first is definitely a weird transition, but I am going to be willing to do it.
I'm always nervous about meeting new people, but I will put myself out there so that I can become a stronger person. I know it has to be done. I cannot be this emotional wreck anymore. I also have to believe in the power of God,and that He plans what's best for us.
Thank you for your reply.

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Very nice sadhub, I liked the part where you said, if you do what you believe in, not what you feel, then you will be better for it.

Ahmeds, this is an opportunity to find yourself. You've invested so much into your WH. Now start investing in yourself.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Ahmeds,

Post often, review others stories and you will find strength and ways to overcome your opportunities to step out of the comfort zone.

We are here to cheer you on, hear your vents and share our thoughts and concern for you.

Have a wonderful day and take one step at a time.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 35
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ahmeds Offline OP
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I keep on thinking that he left me for the OW. I know those thoughts are self-defeating, but with the amount of progress we've been making, nothing else makes sense to me.
The affair got so serious that they were talking about marriage and living together, do I believe any of that? Could that be realistic? Anytime I asked for reassurance he would get upset, he hated it when I brought up his past mistakes. Now that we're separated, he just says he has no obligation to reassure me about anything. I'm just drowning in my thoughts about the OW. It's really hard to focus on myself sometimes.

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abmeds,

Please read again my post above about where your focus needs to be.
Your last post is all about him.
You are what you think and focus on.
I know it is a challenge, but you must do this.
Please identify a DB principle for yourself and do it. LRT, 180, GAL.
Then post about it. Let us see you trying to implement something for your good.

I am praying for you, and I know you can get out of the loop for a few minutes. You must just take one step first.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 35
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I know my posts are often self defeating, and I don't post much about the steps I am taking, so I am going to take some time to do that as well.

After reading DR, the 180 & GAL techniques were two that I knew I had to apply. I always revolved everything around him, so as hard as it was, I knew I needed to do stuff for MYSELF. I've stepped out of the box and gone to social events, despite my fear of going alone, and I forced myself to socialize with people. Also, I've always had an interest in biking, but when my H and I lived together I could not buy one because we simply did not have the space to put it anywhere. So, I went out and bought myself a bike so that I could go riding on the trials that I live near.
I've done my best to do these things because I did look at them as the LRT, basically I have to do this to show change, and in the end, even if he doesn't come back, at least I've improved myself.
I spoke with my coach yesterday, and she helped me write up the last resort letter, which I sent to my H today. He wants the signed divorce papers by tomorrow, so the coach suggested I send the letter today. I am not expecting much out of it, but writing it out did give me a sense of closure. Knowing that I did not leave any stone unturned.
Despite all of that, the feelings of a broken heart, depression, loneliness, etc.., tend to take over at times. I can't help but wonder about the other woman, and how betrayed I feel by what my husband did. I know those are just setbacks, and I will continue to move forward despite the difficulty of the situation.

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