I've been fighting to save my marriage for close to 6 months now. I've definitely made mistakes along the way, I learned they were mistakes by reading Michelle's book. I am afraid it's too little to late for me. How do I know when to just stop fighting? We've been on this roller coaster for over a year, my husband had an ongoing affair most of 2015, and by the end of the year, he demanded a separation (this was our second separation in 2015). He is pretty mean at this point, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I stuck by his side through the affair, and now I feel taken advantage of. Like since he knew I was sticking around, he kept the affair going because he knew he I would never leave him. Now he's just saying things like he doesn't want me, he doesn't want to stay married to me, how he's not going to be forced to stay, and that there's no turning back for him at this point. He gave me divorce paperwork yesterday, and I became very anxious. After saying all those mean things, he came back and consoled me, acted normal (and loving) in order to get me to calm down. After separating in November, we began seeing a very good (solution oriented) therapist, and we made great progress, but about 3 weeks ago, he said he wanted to finalize the divorce, despite all the progress we made, he went against agreements we made in therapy. I just need to know if I should stop fighting to save my marriage. Is it already long gone? What can I do to help myself? Any advice would be appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you so much for all the links, I will definitely look through them and see how they can benefit me. I just finished reading Michelle's book, The Divorce Remedy. I know I will continue to learn. Thank you!
I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is a challenging one and everyone here is going through similar struggles. You will find great support, many thoughts and ideas based on individual experiences and most importantly you will find sincere genuine care from everyone. Post regularly and check others threads to learn from as well as lend any support you may have. I would not wish that anyone find themselves here, but it is a great place to find support and knowledge since we are in the situations we are in. My first bit of advice is be gentle with yourself and be sure that you take care of yourself physically and emotionally. This is the best way to maintain calm and focus as you will embark on doing things very counter intuitive to many things you have done.
Originally Posted By: ahmeds
After separating in November, we began seeing a very good (solution oriented) therapist, and we made great progress, but about 3 weeks ago, he said he wanted to finalize the divorce, despite all the progress we made, he went against agreements we made in therapy. I just need to know if I should stop fighting to save my marriage. Is it already long gone? What can I do to help myself? Any advice would be appreciated.
Only you will know if or when you will stop fighting for the marriage. It takes 2 to make a marriage work but Dbing teaches that one can have an influence for the other to get on board. There is no right or wrong answer, but you will know what is best for you.
You can help yourself by Dbing, and remembering a few things as you do. 1. You can not control your S. Nothing that you do should be with the intent of doing so. 2. Dbing is for making lasting changes to yourself. They must be for you and becoming a better you. The goal is to be the person only a fool would leave. When you are that person, the decision will not hurt you regardless. 3. You will make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Learn from them and then get back up and move forward.
As cadet says. You have the gift of time. Use it wisely and to your benefit. This will take time, it will be challenging, but focus on the progress. My biggest learning in my sitch, is to live in the moment. Looking to the past brings on depression. I can't change the past. Looking to far in the future creates anxiety. Because my mind paints it with the colors of the past. Staying in the moment allows me to let the pain pass quickly, it heightens any joy I may feel, and I can focus on the steps that can provide me with a bright future.
I share this with you to provide hope and peace. I do it also to continue to remind myself of what I must do as I struggle forward each day. But I can tell you I am getting stronger. I am learning much. I am shifting towards the person only a fool would leave.
I lend my support to you and will check in to see how you are doing. Keep your chin up, believe in yourself and know that you are in my prayers.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
There is much that can be done towards moving forward in a positive way. Please notice that I said moving forward instead of moving on.
Sadhub's post really sums things up nicely. This is my favorite part...
Originally Posted By: SadHub
As cadet says. You have the gift of time. Use it wisely and to your benefit. This will take time, it will be challenging, but focus on the progress. My biggest learning in my sitch, is to live in the moment. Looking to the past brings on depression. I can't change the past. Looking to far in the future creates anxiety. Because my mind paints it with the colors of the past. Staying in the moment allows me to let the pain pass quickly, it heightens any joy I may feel, and I can focus on the steps that can provide me with a bright future.
I share this with you to provide hope and peace. I do it also to continue to remind myself of what I must do as I struggle forward each day. But I can tell you I am getting stronger. I am learning much. I am shifting towards the person only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I appreciate all the advice I am receiving, and I am already benefiting from joining this community. I'm still learning forum rules and abbreviations, so I apologize if I do something incorrectly.
My H says he's been emotionally checked out for almost 2 years now. I think he sends mixed signals at times, and he acts as though he cares a lot. When I bring that up to him, he says he was just acting like he was happy. I know my biggest issue was lack of control over my emotions, which went downhill after finding out about his affair. I was shocked and heartbroken, but I forgave him each time I found out more information. I think because I was so forgiving and accepting of him, I was taken advantage of. In my heart, I still feel like he's making a huge mistake. I guess I just want more advice on how to accept to let go of this. Deep down, I know it'll be better for me to just let him go, but a stronger part of me deep down tells me never to stop fighting. He gave me the papers over the weekend, but I haven't even thought about signing them. I just don't feel like I am strong enough. Despite how much he has hurt me, I truly still love him, and it's very difficult for me to let go. Currently we live apart, so I tend to go into pretty deep depression because I am alone so often. We recently moved to a new city, so I have no family around me, and haven't made too many friends yet. I try doing things for myself that I enjoy like going bike riding and attending yoga classes, but sometimes I cannot even motivate myself to get out of bed. I tend to put a lot of the blame on myself. I've always been there for him, and I've always supported him. Granted, I made my fair share of mistakes in our marriage, but I never had an affair, and I never loved someone the way I love him. I'm just hurting and I want help to manage my emotions. I don't know what the outcome of this will be, but I do know I want to become a stronger person.
Thankful for this community.
Me: 29; H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 11/7/2015 I moved out 12/12/2015 D is in process of being filed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am struggling severely. I want to give up, but I love him so much. He just insists on divorce, and blames my lack of emotional control. He had an affair, and I continuously found out information last year, from January to November. I wanted to show him that I was committed to sticking by his side, despite his mistakes, but I was so insecure, and I was dealing with something that was very traumatic for me. He didn't support me in the way that I needed, so my anxiety increased, especially when I thought about the other woman. So because of my lack of growth and control of my emotions, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I blame him for my emotional trauma, he blames me for being weak. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Help in anyway way please.
Although being bomb dropped is horrible, YOUR emotional trauma is not his to bear. It is not his job to make you happy.
This is a place where DB'ing comes into play. Our job is to make ourselves strong, healed and whole. Once we are at this place then having a relationship with another person that is strong, healed and whole can then happen.
So your job is to work on your 50% of the relationship - YOU.
You make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
