Ouch Wonka. The mind is a powerful thing, eh? Amazing what changes take place in depression. Thanks for sharing. It's always helpful to have a glimpse of what's going on in there.
So h does seem to be less hostile towards me. I wouldn't say it's a peek out but I'll take the respite from the palpable anger.
The other night at dinner (he's still boycotting my food) he said: "4th of July is around the corner. What are we going to do folks?" 'Folks' means I am included as usually he just says 'boys.' I listened to their ideas and didn't say anything.
Mostly I just thought about how/what is different from 4th of July last year. I determined that he is still crazy just in all sorts of different ways now. The fog is much thinner; he was so out of it this time last year! But, the fog just made a seat for massive paranoia. It's like the shell game but all three walnuts just have different kinds of crazy beneath them. Last year, at a restaurant he offered S12 (then 11) beer!!! The people next to us looked at him like they were going to call social services. The only thing that probably stopped them from doing so, is that S12 said: "I am 11! I can't drink beer."
The question, of course, is what Christmas song should I play on the morning of the 4th? I am for sure going to beat him to the punch and play some XMAS carol. Either he will appreciate it (given we ate Easter brunch to Drummer Boy) or he will think I have lost my faculties. If it's the latter, then great! Let him worry about MY sanity for a change. (He still has the artificial tree in the dorm room.)
He did text me some kid logistical stuff today. He was polite.
I roasted two chickens last night for dinner. I knew today was busy so I figured we would have leftovers. H is still not eating my food. He did see both chickens. Today he came home with his OWN store bought roasted chicken! Talk about passive aggressive! There is still 1 1/2 chickens already made and he goes out and buys his own! I think he wants me to get into it with him by asking why he bought a chicken when there are 2 right here?!? I ignored it. My favorite part to this story? He goes out and buys his own chicken, but then he ate a bunch of things out of the fridge, that could have ALL been poisoned by me as I had ample time and opportunity. Yep. There's that MLC logic for 'ya.
I am so curious to know why certain things are deemed unsafe while others, lying right next to the "poisoned" item, are fine? I SO want to ask. But I don't dare as I am sure he will think I am trying to figure how to "get him." Oh dear. He'd probably pad lock the fridge on me. If he ever wakes up, this is definitely on my list of "inquiring minds want to know" questions. Hmm. That list is getting long.
As for me, I am feeling better over my family leaving. I am keeping active.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The comment about playing Drummer Boy during Easter really struck me the most in reading about H's fogged POV.
What I am wondering here is this:
-Was Christmas-time a happy occasion for H growing up? -Does H have good, happy memories of Christmas? -What was Christmas-time like for H based on the stories he's told you over the years?
My sense, based on what you report here, is that H's trying to go back to a time to reclaim the lost 'innocence' of childhood experiences before being hit with "adulthood" stuff and responsibilities. It seems to me that Christmas is a big theme with H as he tries to attempt to re-integrate himself as a whole person albeit with fits and starts.
Perhaps Job can stop by later and post my USS Wonkie threads on a voyage into the MLC mind to aid you better in understanding H's MLC mind a bit better. Not sure if this is possible given that the DB site underwent the 'Great Purge' (shuddering here) that pretty much destroyed really good gems (aka MLC's Greatest Hits).
Hi HaWho, yes I agree that was passive aggressive about the chicken and I imagine your H would love you to ask about that. I'm wondering if a mini-fridge for the dorm room may be on the list somewhere.....
When you post about convos with your H, you do seem to manage to be present, aware and non-reactive. Who knows how any of our situations may ultimately unfold, but these are gifts indeed.
Thanks for stopping by my new thread on 'big D...' Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Wonka - XMAS has always been a happy memory for him. I suspect it was a happy time for his mother too, and so it was a disruption from the daily dysfunction. His mother always went all out decorating, he had lots of presents and he has always loved the cheer of the season: the music, the decorations, etc. I think that's exactly why that Christmas tree has become a permanent fixture in the closet. In fact, now that I write this, his mother always had an artificial tree!! (We always buy a real one.)
Yes, I would LOVE to read those threads. Hope they still exist; how awful to lose anything from the mind of a MLCer as there is already so very little. Hopefully, they just need to be exhumed?
Thanks for the insight Wonka. I did not realize they can even attempt to re-integrate into a whole person during replay?!? I thought that came later. Although many, many months ago he did tell me he was in "pieces" and he was trying to put himself back together. Hmm.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HW I think the level of crazy has reduced a little at your household hasn't it? you are right, the fog must be thinning, and even though he obviously still suffers from his MLC, maybe there is a little improvement?
I think you are doing great! Sending you (((hugs)))
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
My H also said early on that he was mixed up and needed to figure himself out.
I think they do realize on some level that they're not themselves or not the person they used to be and are confused about why or how to fix it. And, even in replay, I suspect they have yearnings for what they've lost/abandoned and don't like who they've become.
My H said he feared he was making the worst mistake of his life just a few months after BD and you could almost see the torment just oozing out of him. He would send me songs like "Home" by Michael Buble or "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum .... WHILE he was seeing OW. Some would say that was trying to keep the anchor in place or cake-eat, and maybe so, but I don't think my H is THAT manipulative. If that truly were the case, I don't think it was a conscious, calculated effort.
I think the pain he was feeling and the moments of clarification about what he was doing, even in replay, were real.
I truly admire your patience and understanding, HaWho.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
There are 432 pages of threads that can be searched if you change your "Display Option" to all dates. The last purge left the forum with the date of 12/23/2006 as the very last one of that time. So, unless Wonka has recreated some of her older threads or has those older postings on her hard drive, they may not be a available any longer.
Also, to locate the threads of posters, go to the left hand bottom of the screen and change your "Display Options" to all dates. You can then do a search of the posters name at the top of the screen or you can do a left click on the posters name and click on all postings. That will show where the poster has posted.
This function can be used doing a search on any of the forums.
I think the pain he was (is) feeling and moments of clarification about what he was (is) doing, even in replay, were (are) real. I was thinking past tense, I suppose ... or wishful thinking, perhaps?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Job - thanks for all that info. I will go back and see what is left of Wonka's posts.
Well, if h were a super hero he would be Perpetually Paranoid Man. He continues to build one crazy case against me.
Today I come into the kitchen and see a large sealed envelope on the counter with my name on it and I just dread any correspondence from him. I think from now on any written correspondence from him will always be a trigger for me. He could leave me a grocery list and I would probably break out in hives.
Before I talk about the letter, here's a few things you should know: so inside is the check transaction register book for those checks I ordered. They forgot to send it to me when they sent the checks. By the way, remember when I took what I thought was my bike lock off h's key chain? Well, turns out it was one of the the keys to his gun lock. And one of the things he has said is that I stole the key on purpose because my plan is to shoot him. I can't even believe this is my life. I just cannot believe it. Oh, and also we received a call from the credit card company that someone from a watched fraudulent phone number tried to call into our credit card company. The call came from a Minnesota number and we live no where near there. I have never been to Minnesota and no one there. So, enclosed is a hand written letter from h saying the following: ------- "All of this ordering checks on my account (that I kindly put your name on), excessive spending, credit card fraud activity, stealing my gun key, simultaneous disappearances of my epipens, etc. is all starting to trouble me to a level that is nearing combustion. My trust in you is at an all time low right now. This creates an environment where I can overreact. Please get yourself in check." ------- I am so tired of this. I just want to be left alone. As for him "kindly putting my name on his accounts" I would love to see a lawyer or judge's read on that. There are laws when you are married. As for my "excessive spending" that is a joke. Even with the costs of preparing for my two sisters coming and going to NYC, I spent 1/4 of what he spent in the same month. And the fraudulent credit card attempt?!? Now, I somehow orchestrated getting myself one of the watched phone numbers for credit card theft and tried to hack into my own account?!! I am just worn down on hearing that I am trying to kill him. If I look at him cross eyed he probably thinks I am radiating him. He is just grasping for control. He wants to blow. He wants to pin it all on me. And the line about "this creating an environment where he can overreact?!?" Umm, I think you've been doing that day in and day out for a year and a 1/2 now.
I don't even know what to do with all this. Seriously. I needed some checks as I had to write a few. The rest of this is just so ridiculous. I don't even care anymore. I just want to go about my business like a normal person. I am a normal person. So his story is: my wife was trying to murder me and had the audacity to write 3 checks (for a total of $500) out of MY account."
I would try to explain the check situation to him but he has such extreme control issues right now that I just think it will blow up things even further. He is so on edge.
I am just beyond this nonsense. What is he trying to do with this letter? Pick a fight so he has an out? Get me to react and throw him out? Defend myself against completely asinine allegations?
Why can't he just leave me alone? Everywhere I turn he is trying to start wildfires. He throws lit matches by the dozens and just wants me to stomp them all out.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, BREATHE! Calm down! Your h is very paranoid right now and nothing you say or do is going to change your mind. Have you spoken to a lawyer? If not, you need to do this as soon as possible and take that letter w/you. I may be wrong, but I think your h is leading up to his great escape of leaving home. He's pushing you very hard and wants you to get into a huge knock out, drag out fight so that he can justify leaving.
I wouldn't address that letter w/him unless he brings it up. If he does, speak very calmly that you are very sorry he feels the way that the does and walk away.
As for the checking account...don't you put money into that account? If so, you are entitled to use that account just as much as he is and yes, you are entitled to have access to the checkbook just as he does. My advice...get a separate checking account asap and withdraw at least half the money in the joint account and put it in the new account. If he wants to control the checkbook, then he can control his own checkbook by himself.
He's pushing and he wants out, but doesn't have the nerve to do it w/o your help. If he continues to escalate, you may need to show him the door as this is starting to border on emotional and mental abuse.
BTW, I did locate two of Wonka's previous threads using the method I mentioned, i.e., changing the Display Options to all dates. I found this particularly link on Page 59. The link that I am providing also includes a link to the first posting since this is II.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
