My exMIL has late-onset schizophrenia. It's started off with major paranoia. It's a long sad story. When she on her meds, she is pretty good, when she is off, not so good. I've seen her there. And yes, one second, completely normal, next second someone is trying to get her.
Anyways, your H is writing you letters outlining some pretty serious accusations and you are worried about "overreacting?" It's getting very eggshell-y for you now. I honestly think you should react to this, but that's just my opinion.
He is nowhere near stable right now. I would have a plan, talk to lawyers, do what you got to do to protect you and your boys, because he is pretty unpredictable.
It's clear you love him very much, and want to help him through his depression and childhood problems. I get it. But please, know you are not "abandoning" him if there comes a time you need to separate residences to protect you and the boys. Doesn't mean the M is over, doesn't mean you can't still be there for him, doesn't mean you don't love him. If it comes to it, all of these things can be done from a distance that is safe for you and your boys and it doesn't mean its permanent.
Thanks Job, Sotto and Ginger. All very sound advice; as always.
So I found that quite organically, I just hit a new level of detaching. I can't really describe it but I let go of outcome, truly. I believe the latest letter was him throwing his muscle around and thinking he can always threaten to leave and I will react. I think he wants any attention. In actuality, I just don't care that much anymore. I opted not to react to the letter but instead to watch. And, again, I just felt a piece of myself break off from him.
Within hours of leaving me the letter, h was texting about XMAS travel plans. I think he can read that I don't care. And so he in turn, is in the midst of a major peekout. He is chatting a LOT. He tells me he did x and he will do y. He tells me he went a to do b and he will be back at this time. I listen and validate, but mostly I sit still and watch.
Last night he asked for us to all to go out and grab a bite. He specifically asked me to come, by names. At the restaurant I was holding a table while h ordered. He asked if I wanted a drink. I said no thank you. He brought back two glasses of wine and said I had to join him. There was eye contact and on several occasions he spoke directly to me. I cracked a few jokes and he laughed a bit. He also had a sense of humor last night.
Today, further peeking out. He called me while I was out with the dog. That is a first in a lonnnng while. He asked if I was up for an adventure. I said "always." And he laughed. He proposed a few things we could all do tonight. He texted me a lot this morning as he was out and about. And so we are all planning on going out together again tonight.
I know the crash from this peekout will be a big one. I think come Monday or Tuesday he will duck into that dorm room and be MIA for quite sometime.
I am totally ready for it. The countdown begins . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I'm glad he's settled down (again) He goes through waves of pushing and when he sees that you aren't pushing back, he then settles down and tries he being nice routine. He's emotionally bouncing all over the place and he's just trying to find his place in the world once again. It's very sad to observe how they peel themselves right down to the core of their inner selves in order to get to the root of their issues. I am praying that once his crisis is over, he'll be a far more mature and happier man.
You have handled your situation w/grace and dignity and lots of patience. I do hope that you've got some plans for the rest of the holiday that will allow you a break from the MLC madness as well as time to just rest a bit.
Keep up the good work! You are an inspiration to many!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job - yes, yes, that's pattern I see. I cannot determine what the root of the pushing is. Is it his way of keeping me as the problem by creating these scenarios where he has somewhere to project? Or maybe he sets up these scenarios to see if I will react the way his mother did when he was young?
Anyway, last night started off w/h telling us that he wanted to do what would make us all happy. That was interesting given his recent speech from the mountaintop about "I will now take some time and take care of ME." (Uhh, you are now at least 2 hard core years into taking care of you. Guess you have been so into yourself you haven't even realized you are only thinking of yourself?!?)
Overall, it was an okay night. He's just a sliver of himself, though. So empty. And that is hard to watch.
There were a few MLC oddities, as ever. H told S12 he was looking forward to good beach weather and said several times some thing like: "can't wait for the beach, man" or "when are we going to the beach, man?" H never used to talk this way and certainly not to his own kids. He is in pal mode with them. Previously, I did hear him talking this way to his never married, man/child MLC buddy.
At one point we were in an elevator with some young guys. They were in their 20's. They had been drinking and had watched the Warriors game. They asked my sons what they thought/who they rooted for. Being in their 20's I am sure they connected most with my kids. H, however, overtook the conversation and started talking to them hipster style. Ugh. I felt sorry for him. Anyway, I am sure he was frothing at the mouth to ditch us and go hang with them. I swear he looked longingly at them when they walked off to bar hop.
At one point he opened up and told me about that recent trip he took by himself: about the architecture, the food, the weather, etc. I mostly listened and asked a few questions. I didn't let on but, that is a sore subject for me, to be honest. Obviously, I know it's the withdrawal of depression but it's just so sad to me that he is so distanced that he would not want to experience that with his kids. Just pathetic as the time with them goes so fast. How much time does one need to himself? Well, in MLC, it's a whole lot--never enough. It is one of the truth darts I had given him a few weeks ago. I basically told him he's a father, not a 20 year old single adventurer. Maybe he received the memo as he said next time he will take us all to a nearby location near where he traveled.
I showed him some pictures from my NYC trip. It was a drainer. He used to be so intellectually curious about everything. He just didn't care. He seemed bored. His interest was not piqued at all. I remember being like that in my own depression. It was hard to be interested in anything at all.
Last night he did say, at one point, that we had not done something like this in so long and that it was nice.
I am getting ready for the turbulence to start.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh my! He's growing up just a wee bit and progressed on to a new age! LOL! The lingo sounds like he's in his late teen's early 20's. I can see him interrupting a bunch of 20 somethings and wanting to talk to them in hipster style. I can just imagine what they thought after they got off the elevator. Yup...they had a good chuckle over the "old" man trying to be the cool dude. BTW, I'm not surprised by the lingo...my xh was using "man" and "cool" for everything. At one point, I was ready to strangle him if the words man or cool came out of his mouth.
It's all about him and he wants to impress others so that he stands out and they look up to him or give him the attention he so craves. Him talking about his trip was to get your attention and comments. He wants to be important. As for your trip...he wasn't interested because it wasn't one that he took. Again, it wasn't his trip to get excited about.
I think it's interesting how he's flipped the switch from being the Mad Hatter to the person he is right now. My guess is that the stressors of having strangers (family) in the house was too much for him and the only way to get back at you for having them there was to become the mad hatter in a passive-aggressive manner. He may have also been having some issues that came up within himself at the same time as the visit and the projections were actually him having to deal w/being one big happy family vs. the environment he grew up in. He felt that he had lost control in his own home. No one knows what triggers the Mad Hatter, but I would venture to say all under the same roof and the attention was on them was getting a bit too much for the Mad Hatter.
He's still got a ways to go and there will be more bumps in the road ahead. Fasten your seatbelt and pull it tight because the Mad Hatter will be back out to play later on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Job, I feel your pain with the hipster lingo. I have to turn away to hide my cringing. Yep, whenever he has any opportunity h is dropping "cool," "dude," and "man." He is desperate for some street credit from his peer group. LOL!
The whole elevator scene was totally bizarre. Even though the young boys were fairly drink they acted un-drunk for my boys. Know what I mean? They knew we were a family and seemed to respect that. When h overtook the convo. they buttoned it up because, well, they recognized they were talking to a 50 year old family man! Boy were they suprised when this stone sober family man of 50 started dropping "man" and "cool" to them. Even his body language changed and became more animated like a young man's does. I was waiting for him to try bumping chests with them. He was trying so hard to be a peer. And even in their drunkenness, they knew it was weird. They probably felt most sorry for me.
Oh, and this is all made weirder by the fact that he has decided to let his hair go a bit longer in the back. I hadn't really noticed it (too busy tracking the paranoia [see, I have bigger fish to fry]). By my sister noticed it and immediately said, get me the scissors so that I can cut that ridiculous hair. And then, for days when she talked to him, I noticed her staring at his hair and longing to cut it. It has the exact opposite effect he wants. It ages him as it dates his haircut to what he probably had 20 years ago. Ugh. Not a relevant style.
Job, I agree that the family visit totally stressed him out. I think he was embarrassed to be sleeping downstairs. Speaking of which, just today he was back to complaining about the dorm room. The dog needs a bath and h said we should do it outside. I said it was too cold for my baby. I joked I would bathe him in h's shower. H chuckled and said "no way." Then he barbed "I barely even fit in that shower. " (He was very angry about it and is very resentful of the smallness of that space. He is a tall/broad guy. But he also has told me many times, about his tiny "closet" childhood bedroom and here he's gone and made a real-life version of it!! Unbelievably, I don't think he even sees that this is what he's gone and done!!). Anyway, S12 joked "just your belly doesn't fit in that shower." H retorted "belly is sleak, it's just my broad shoulders that don't fit." There was a collective groan on that one. The dog was in the car with us and I am pretty sure I caught him rolling his eyes, too.
I keep wishing he would complain about the dorm room without the kids in hearing distance so I could jab him with that Wonka truth dart: "these are your choices and you continue to make them." Duh. No one forced him down there and he just keeps fortifying that MLC bunker.
If he ever wakes up, we'll keep it just the way it was--like a shrine to MLC. Visitors will come and I'll make a sweeping gesture with my palm and say, "yep, this is the room where my h grew up." That'll really confuse people as the house is younger than he is.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Do you suppose he keeps crying the blues about the dorm room and the bathroom being too small in the hopes that you'll say..."h, do you want to move back upstairs"? I know it's a touchy subject...but maybe next time just ask him the question and see what his response will be.
OMG! The hair! Don't be surprised if he comes home w/an ear pierced or a tattoo. They really experiment during this time and some of the stuff they do is really out of character for people their "adult" age.
I like the idea of keeping the dorm room as a shrine. I can just imagine what people would think. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - I will ask him if he wants to move back upstairs the next time he gripes. Sadly, I have distanced enough not to really care what his answer is. My sense is he will be indignant and say no. I think he just likes to complain about his lot in life: under appreciated grown man, saddled with huge responsibilities, burdened by our very existence, etc. I could be wrong but I think right now he wants to cry a river and swim in a pool of snotty tissues.
He certainly excels at it.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh Lord! Let's all hope that Mr. Teen doesn't grow a mullet! That is sooooo 1980s. rolling eyes
The next time he complains about his teensy tiny bathroom, just state in your best matter of fact voice, "you know there's other bathrooms to choose from in this house"
Oh my goodness.....I hate that longer hair thing - the whole 'I don't have much on top so I'll grow it down the back.' Hopefully ponytails won't be involved.
My Dad had a comb over for years and he looked so much better when he got rid of it.
I was listening to a radio show and someone wrote in to say they saw a middle aged guy (in the city where H lives) wearing red trousers and a cravat - oh no, is that XH I thought?
You know, reading your sitch I'm struck by how draining it must be to live with the whole - PA, bemoaning fate kind of behaviour. It would be refreshing to be with someone who works through things, says how he's feeling and can express his needs assertively and respectfully - oh well...
Glad things have settled down a little for you just now anyway xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
