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Previous thread. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2668509#Post2668509

Its Week 8 now. The two month mark.

Just trying to have a quiet weekend.

The bed is the hardest time for me, i lay awake just wanting to reach out to her and hold her. Sometime i break and i do but she will end up pulling away. Starting to think i need sleeping pills now


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Natus, i hope you was able to get some sleep. I was just like this when my w told me she wanted to sleep in separate rooms. I couldn't sleep.

Can you tire your self out by doing some push-ups(press ups) -goal of 50 , get an aromatherapy diffuser, put some lavender and read a good book. And I have found that receiving your feelings. Acknowledge them, accept them, and give yourself a reality check of the situation.

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Thank you for the suggestions Champ. I'll try some of them tonight. I need it.

I think i need to start going to bed later and make sure im ready to just sleep. My W usually gets to bed 8.30pm watches a bit of TV in bed then falls asleep.

I think i am starting to drop the rope, atleast i hope so. Over the weekend we acted like a happy family then comes nightfall she turns into an ice queen again. But something happened last night, after sex (i initiated...its been two months dont judge me) i asked her if she wanted to get away from me, shes says she couldnt or wont answer.

I calmly told her if she want to separate then she has to tell her parents and we go down to religious authority to start the process of separating officially but either way she will have to decide. Im dropping the rope (i didnt say that part out loud). Im not expecting us to get back together, i want to but i dont feel it happening.

I do have one question, its about sex. This is going to sound misogynistic but i have needs and if shes wants to stay like this ~ limbo like environment ~ where she wont or cant decide if shes going or not i still expect my needs to be met.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Just to clarify my last point above - im not talking about demanding sex whenever. But i dont think i can go for months without murdering someone.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Originally Posted By: Natus
Just to clarify my last point above - im not talking about demanding sex whenever. But i dont think i can go for months without murdering someone.


You and I clearly live on different planets, so this suggestion might not work for you, but why can't you handle your sexual needs during limbo the same way you will handle them if you get divorced?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Originally Posted By: Rose888
Originally Posted By: Natus
Just to clarify my last point above - im not talking about demanding sex whenever. But i dont think i can go for months without murdering someone.


You and I clearly live on different planets, so this suggestion might not work for you, but why can't you handle your sexual needs during limbo the same way you will handle them if you get divorced?


Hi Rose888, sorry i should clarify what i meant by limbo land, we are not separated. She hasnt even approach the subject of separating in fact im the one who ends up asking. We do everything as husband and wife still except intimacy. Its eerie, she doesnt act like the other WAW or WW i've read on this site. Shes still "plays" the role as wife. Its like nothing has changed in the marriage at all except the coldness in the bed.

As to why i wouldnt handle it like i was divorced, if i was divorced i'd likely be dating.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I was doing so well yesterday even getting into my side of the bed and not reaching out for her. Unfortunately i woke up in the middle of the night with my arms around her...i realised then turned around to face the other way. Hoping this doesnt set back my db.

This morning she kissed me on the lips for like a second before getting into car ~ its such a small gesture bu it is the closest thing to intimacy she has initiated since BD, just filling it away and trying not to think it makes a difference.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Just journaling.

I noticed so far my DB and GALing has mostly revolved being around more and spending alot of time with my son. I still go to my gym 3 nights a week which is my time away from home.

It took a crisis for me to learn to let go and delegate at the gym so i can be home more now. Im not on the go all the time and i feel relaxed. Im wondering if im appreciating it more because of the M crisis as well. Gift of time right?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I got the impression that Rose was delicately suggesting you take care of yourself.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I got the impression that Rose was delicately suggesting you take care of yourself.



Oh haha well that flew over my head. Umm its not the same? like i cant see it sustaining me for months, 2 months and i was practically a werewolf in human skin.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Lying in bed together is definitely one of the most challenging parts for me too. I want so badly to cuddle, to initiate, to ask for things or try to seduce her.

Trying to go to bed later has helped, or having a non-relationship book to read to give myself something to do. When I do take things into my own hands, I try to make sure to do it when I know I won't see her for a while, because otherwise it just makes me feel resentful smirk


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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Natus,

It's been so long for me that I'm a virgin again.

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Originally Posted By: Natus
do any of you guys do silly things like pump out a few push ups before getting out of the shower or whatever to look good in front of WAS?


Yea, I'm guilty of doing this sometimes lol.

I suppose technically it's probably a form of "pursuing" behavior if we're doing it purely hoping to get noticed... like deep down I'm thinking maybe if my guns were a bit more swole she'll dump the OM?

If only... smirk


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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Originally Posted By: EDF
Lying in bed together is definitely one of the most challenging parts for me too. I want so badly to cuddle, to initiate, to ask for things or try to seduce her.

Trying to go to bed later has helped, or having a non-relationship book to read to give myself something to do. When I do take things into my own hands, I try to make sure to do it when I know I won't see her for a while, because otherwise it just makes me feel resentful smirk


Went to bed late last night and made sure i was on my side of the bed but somehow wake up in the middle of the night with my arms around her. Im not pleased with my subconscious.


Originally Posted By: doodler
Natus,

It's been so long for me that I'm a virgin again.



I really dont know how im going to cope. In the past i have taken care of myself and still had sex with my W afterwards. Maybe i have a high sexual drive.

Originally Posted By: EDF
Originally Posted By: Natus
do any of you guys do silly things like pump out a few push ups before getting out of the shower or whatever to look good in front of WAS?


Yea, I'm guilty of doing this sometimes lol.

I suppose technically it's probably a form of "pursuing" behavior if we're doing it purely hoping to get noticed... like deep down I'm thinking maybe if my guns were a bit more swole she'll dump the OM?

If only... smirk


I laugh about it now, still do it but more of a fun challenge like see how many squats, burpees and push ups i can complete before my W finishes her shower. Usually end up standing there glistening in sweat with a goofy grin on my face when she comes out the shower and its my turn to jumo in. Keeping fit is a major part of my life anyway so its not entirely out of the blue.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Shouldnt have snooped, i was doing so well. My wife was running a little late for work today so OM called her (he's her boss). Actually not even late, she had 15 mins till opening but shes usually in the office earlier. I suspect was just a reason to call her.

I have the recording (i work for cell company), nothing suspicious, he was asking if she was coming into office. Its just they way he said it, all soft toned like. Not at all how two normal professionals would talk. He mentioned a few others things about being paranoid messaging around his W and stuff like that.

Out of anger, i called him. Stupid move but he was surprised.

So much for detachment. I just feel like hes gotten off lightly. My honor demands blood be repaid...okay being overly dramatic.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I cant stop day dreaming about taking his pinky finger yakuza style. Its ruining my lunch and now im in a dark mood.

shouldnt have snooped at all.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Sorry to hear Natus. Not been following your thread entirely, but are you D'd?

I think snooping helps, but just don't do anything once you get info. I've deleted tracker system from my phone. Actually going to just put it off when my WW is out, and in need, then she can phone the home line and it will wake me.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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No not D, not anything to be honest.

Summary
- BD two months ago, and one month ago found out WAW turned out to be WW with EA with her Boss.
- 3 weeks ago: Boss visited my house with his W to apologise. I forgave.
- 2 weeks ago found out they were still carrying on. Spanked my wife then hunted OM down to warn him off.
- No W is taking steps to be transparent and stuff but no intimacy, however i dont have to deal with roller coaster ride shes at home, doesnt go out much, doesnt text OM from what i know.
- Its hard cause they are in same office and is still her boss. I hate it. Although W has taken initiative to send out resumes and stuff looking for new job.
- Conclusion. W still WAW.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Well here's my summary

- soft BD in Jan, reinforced in Feb, then Mar.
- OM1 was devout christian so left WW alone.
- WW could be communicating via email and tel at work.
- WW founding solace with OM2 and new friends
- WW not sure that she wants to be married, she is literally just looking, no sure when she will actually buy anything.

At least the first problem is out of the way... FOR WHAT ITS WORTH.


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Yea not entirely out the way. Shes trying but she sees him everyday and that is a strain. She practically admitted being emotionally attached is having difficulty forgetting cause they have so much contact.

Well shes just offered to take some leave of work. I said yea thats a good idea, atleast she gets a break and so do i. Its only two weeks though.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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See the part i dont get according to the DR/DB rules is i dont think we are piecing because she has said outright she no longer has any feelings for me.

She still says that but she is making effort in the marriage by being transparent, offering to stay away from OM, no texting OM, and taking leave of work to not see him.

Heck i even offered to separate, albeit that means announcing to her parents then to religious authorities. I've metaphorically showed her the door and said go ahead be free.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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She's not going to let go of what she has. You at home and him at work. She must first feel real loss to understand remorse. Fully comprehend her actions and how it's tearing her life apart. Grieve for the OM and then let him go, before she can even think of being with you for the rest of your lives.

But before then, she needs to leave her job. My WW has her distraction. I can only hope that she does not "fall" for OM2, whilst trying to "get over" OM 1.

Have you looked at the 12 steps for al-anon. Remember that EA is an addiction. You are also addicted to your WW, we both are. That addiction must die for both of you to be complete persons.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Originally Posted By: DDJ

Have you looked at the 12 steps for al-anon. Remember that EA is an addiction. You are also addicted to your WW, we both are. That addiction must die for both of you to be complete persons.


I must be getting bad at my detaching if you're giving quotes to me :P

Its probably true though, 180 and GAL is easy for me but detach is not. Im not sure i actually can unless we separate to be honest. For me its either we move forward together or i move forward to move on.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I'm quoting myself too. That's why it helps to post on as many people as possible. It's all really introspection.

I can also distance, 180, GAL, AS-IF, pretty well. But i guess the more we do that, the more we will detach. I really don't believe that we need to be physically separated to be able to find ourselves - both WW and us.

Finding yourself in your marriage is most likely much easier than finding yourself outside of it. Because then you add the pain of D too.


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Originally Posted By: DDJ


Finding yourself in your marriage is most likely much easier than finding yourself outside of it. Because then you add the pain of D too.



That is a fair point. The D process will likely be draining on its own.

Yesterday i was a foul mood the whole day but its allowed me to examine the root of my feelings.

All this while i didnt realise i went into my default mode, being strong. Because thats what i do. Im the eldest of four brothers and i am the one my mother looks to to reign my brothers in, i manage and run a gym and a sports team and at work im also a people leader.

I have been to busy being the terminator that i didnt check myself for wounds. Not that i think it has set me back. Strength itself is an attractive quality.

Yesterday i've come to realise how broken my heart is, its in pieces, it needs my attention, it needs my protection, protection from the one i share my bed with. For the first time im looking at my W and not actually wanting to let her in.

My subconscious must be listening this time because i didnt reach out for her last night. I went to bed on my side and woke up on my side.

Is this a new day?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Is it suppose to feel this wierd.

Told the W im going out tonight which was true in that i needed to pick something up from someone but i just told her i wont be late. she asked where and i replied just meeting someone.

So here i am tyring to stretch the time alone at a coffee shop. Didnt even order coffee cause i dont want to stay up to late so im browsing facebook while sipping hot chocolate. Feel like a such a dumbass. I would rather be home but nope im DBing.

Finally decided to go home after about an hour and just watched tv. It started raining heavily and she woke up to come check on me to see if i was home, worried i might be out in the heavy tropical rain.

I guesss im doing this again on weds. sigh......


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Natus, do what you love. What makes you get out of bed on a Sunday morning?

What did you stop doing, or never do since before your M. If you're not showing zest for life,then how can you be a lighthouse, not just for her, but for everyone you choose to bring into your circle.


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The W was moody this morning, i just went about my business.

I guess this weds i should actually plan something. I havnt played pool for a long while since son was born.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
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now im moody, just caught wife in the act deleting calls logs...

She said was work related and that she was afraid i might not understand.

Told her if you had told me straight i would have been understanding but deleting and hiding it just proves you are still lying and hiding things from me.

Told her i wont be coming back home for lunch and to be honest i dont want to see her tonight either but i have to be strong for my S. Play nice, put him to bed then i guess im going to make like DDj and just start being mysterious (that came back to bite me)...


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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LOL Natus, the mysterious thing definitely helps my confidence. I was doing what i wanted, just for me and she was none the wiser.

They really think that we are not the smartest, although none of us saw BD coming... But now we must stay ahead of the curve.

Make her miss you! But don't do it for her (counter-intuitive i know)


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Well shes going out with her sisters for drinks tonight that requires crossing the border (since we are technically in a dry country).

I guess i don't have to worry so much about avoiding her later.

She hasn't told anyone, not her family, her friends about our sich so i don't think our M will come up. Is that weird she hasn't told anyone?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Quote:
See the part i dont get according to the DR/DB rules is i dont think we are piecing because she has said outright she no longer has any feelings for me.


I don't get the connection you are making about the rules and piecing.

Quote:
She still says that but she is making effort in the marriage by being transparent, offering to stay away from OM, no texting OM, and taking leave of work to not see him.


Well granted I can't see everything or hear every conversation, however, based on what I read in your thread, I don't get the impression she is trying to piece, yet.

Here's the thing. She got caught, she was punished, and told no more EA! To me, it's kind of like spanking a child and telling them to behave. Viewing the surface, that seems to be what she's doing. But piecing?.......... IDK. What you see as her "efforts" in the M, could be obedience. Perhaps she is obeying, but her heart has not caught up with her actions, yet.

If you have read my threads about WW's, you know they have to go through the emotional withdrawal from the EA/PA. She will not experience "feelings" for you, until the OM is out of her head/heart. That's how women are wired. They love one man at a time. And, it can't switch on & off like electricity. She has to get one man completely out, so her heart in order to accept the other one.

Must be painful for a H to read this. If you understand the process, hopefully, it will give you the endurance you need.

Quote:
Heck i even offered to separate, albeit that means announcing to her parents then to religious authorities. I've metaphorically showed her the door and said go ahead be free.


Her religious roots and the traditions/customs of her people could be weighing on her consciousness. Not wanting her parents to know, tells me that what they think of her matters a great deal.

I believe her taking leave from the job is good. I just wish it could be longer, to help her get through the addiction withdrawal period. Did she volunteer, or did you mention taking leave from work?

I still say she needs to find work elsewhere. Seeing him at the office, working late hours, it's not a good situation.

Could the two of you financially make it, if she were to resign from her job? Surely, she could find other work somewhere.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
See the part i dont get according to the DR/DB rules is i dont think we are piecing because she has said outright she no longer has any feelings for me.


I don't get the connection you are making about the rules and piecing.


Hi Sandhi, always a pleasure to hear from you. Sorry if i was unclear. I guess i was alluding to her acting married despite still telling me ILYBINILY. I was confused as to which stage i am in.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
She still says that but she is making effort in the marriage by being transparent, offering to stay away from OM, no texting OM, and taking leave of work to not see him.


Well granted I can't see everything or hear every conversation, however, based on what I read in your thread, I don't get the impression she is trying to piece, yet.

Here's the thing. She got caught, she was punished, and told no more EA! To me, it's kind of like spanking a child and telling them to behave. Viewing the surface, that seems to be what she's doing. But piecing?.......... IDK. What you see as her "efforts" in the M, could be obedience. Perhaps she is obeying, but her heart has not caught up with her actions, yet.


I didnt think of it that way. Its hard to believe any grown person would be obedient if they are one foot out the door. Is this positive or negative thing?

Originally Posted By: sandi2

If you have read my threads about WW's, you know they have to go through the emotional withdrawal from the EA/PA. She will not experience "feelings" for you, until the OM is out of her head/heart. That's how women are wired. They love one man at a time. And, it can't switch on & off like electricity. She has to get one man completely out, so her heart in order to accept the other one.

Must be painful for a H to read this. If you understand the process, hopefully, it will give you the endurance you need.


Ill be honest while i am trying to understand it and know i have to endure, it is difficult because men(or especially me) aren't wired this way at all.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Quote:
Heck i even offered to separate, albeit that means announcing to her parents then to religious authorities. I've metaphorically showed her the door and said go ahead be free.


Her religious roots and the traditions/customs of her people could be weighing on her consciousness. Not wanting her parents to know, tells me that what they think of her matters a great deal.


I believe it would break her mum's heart. Her mum has lived with a wayward husband throughout her M. The Father is around on alternate days but has a history of infedility throughout their M. Infact my W brothers and sisters have a history of drugs and failed marriages. Its seems like the whole fam is wayward.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

I believe her taking leave from the job is good. I just wish it could be longer, to help her get through the addiction withdrawal period. Did she volunteer, or did you mention taking leave from work?

I still say she needs to find work elsewhere. Seeing him at the office, working late hours, it's not a good situation.

Could the two of you financially make it, if she were to resign from her job? Surely, she could find other work somewhere.


She offered the leave but i suspect because i was pushing for no contact.

Unfortunately no we wouldnt be financially ok if she resigned without a fallback job. She is looking for other jobs though, infact She just got a call for an interview at the american embassy here, lets see how that goes.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I was planning to GAL tonight but W made plans to go see movie with her friends so now im watching my S tonight. Not that i mind since i didnt actually have any plans, was just gona go out and sit at coffee shop for an hour.

She doesn't go out much so i kinda want to encourage her having some life with friends and her sister. It would definitely take some pressure of me.

She asked permission to go on a weekend trip with her sisters next sat. I said yes but i felt like saying as long as you dont take advantage of my kindness.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Natus, as long as you're not going to be her babysitter.

My WW does not want to spend time with her family, due to the guilt (most likely) of what she's doing.

If you can get a babysitter whilst she's gone for the wknd, then perhaps go on your own "boys" wknd. You have to get your own life, you cannot wait for her to wake up.


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It not like that at all. My wife is home every night spending time with S. I dont mind giving her a break.

For the weekend trip W asked her sisters to move it to a thurs / friday so it doesnt touch the weekend. Those are my gym nights anyway so will probably send son to his gran parents. Plus ill be having my own weekend trip the week after for some kickbox competition (im just coaching).


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Okay cool, i've got to fight the babysitter thing myself. But mine has promised that she won't stay out late anymore. Hopefully that will reduce my anxiety and increase my sleep.

I would say that you're lucky (yeah right) that yours does not go out, but in one of sandi's posts, she did say that the young WW might sit at home waiting for the perfect opportunity to leave, so beware.


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maybe, it also makes it harder to detach.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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yeah it does make it harder. I do however believe now that I can detach with her in my face. I was 'flirting' with the idea of moving out yesterday, but she's definitely not trying to make things work, so I guess that it's focus on me until I can throw her out.

No emotions, no ultimatums, no control - just throw her cheating wayward arse out on the kerb.


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I take it we're the only ones awake this time of the day in the world, I hate that...


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Natus

The priority here is on your GAL and even if that involves a quick visit to a coffee shop that's good.

Get out have some good adult GAL.

Your priority here is looking after YOU so that you can best look after your child.

Sandi advice is solid.

It is what is in your WW heart which counts, remorse for being caught isn't the right start for reconciliation. Unless she changes her cheating heart, beliefs and thoughts then this is just behaviour modification.

I think you need to see real work by WW to come to true ethical behaviour.

Take care to protect yourself in this, I can't see piecing.

Changing you and your behaviour is only one part of the equation in your R. It's early days be clear if there is change or no.

V


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V 64, WAW


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Hi Vanilla, thank you for the advise. I think so, i need to get out do some good adult GAL.

As Sandhi said and i think this is true, her heart has not caught up to her behavior.

I think i have been pursuing to much. Need to focus more on me and my son.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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W went for her interview this afternoon. She was nervous and excited. Gave me a peck on the cheek before she left. With luck this will mean she gets a new job soon and no longer sees OM on a daily basis.

Meanwhile im planning my DBing, going over where i went wrong and which parts i think im doing right.

Since the whole other OM business i have came down very strong. Im in danger of being ultra controlling. I need to pull back and detach.

I dont know why but past few days i have been snooping crazy. Need to stop it. Its just feeding into the dark feelings, turning me into a jealous monster rather than a lighthouse.

I have been pursuing. Definately need to stop this.

So keeping my goals light this next week.
- Stop snooping
- Stop pursuing
- Stop controlling
- Go out adult fun atleast once.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Yeah, snooping is pursuing. It just makes things worse.

You still have to break your light goals down into real actions, for example - Snooping - Do not look at WW phone at all. Do not check itemised billing.

Personally, i got the itemised billing via email. I looked at the email and immediately trashed it. It's all about controlling yourself, not the WW.


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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Quote:
See the part i dont get according to the DR/DB rules is i dont think we are piecing because she has said outright she no longer has any feelings for me.


I don't get the connection you are making about the rules and piecing.


Hi Sandhi, always a pleasure to hear from you. Sorry if i was unclear. I guess i was alluding to her acting married despite still telling me ILYBINILY. I was confused as to which stage i am in.


I really want to help you get this part, but I am having difficulty knowing how the rules come into all of this. Are you referring to the Sandi's 37 rules, or are you referring to the DR book?

Frankly, I do not believe you are in the piecing stage, at all. She cannot be pressured into saying she'll work on the M, or that she will be faithful. She either will or won't, but it has to be her choice to make. You may choose to leave, if she decides not to remain faithful, but she has to make a choice about what she does.

The "piecing stage" is when the couple really reconciles and the WW agrees to the conditions of the H (transparency, no contact with OM, MC, etc.) Both of them, but more especially the WW, puts forth great effort in doing the necessary work required to save their M. Your W has not done anything, unless it is not to contact OM lately. Without her cooperating to transparency that you decide for her to follow.....your MR doesn't stand a lot of a chance at succeeding. So, no, you are not in piecing, yet. I think you still have a lot of information to learn about it, so don't jump off into something you don't know what you're doing, okay? Ask questions and continue to read/study.

I am not sure what you mean by your W acting like she is married, unless you mean b/c she's not contacting OM.

Her telling you ILYBNILWY, is so you will not think she has changed back into being in love with you. She could remain faithful in the future and still not be in love with you. She would just go through the motions of marriage....and maybe love you like a relative, but not in love with you as a man. What you need to see is when her words and her actions/behavior match.

I know that people have their own standards of how people "act married". To me, her going across the border with her sisters.....to drink, is not exactly the epitome of how a married lady conducts herself. But that's just me. I'm sure others may not see a problem at all. Maybe it was completely harmless. If you have been pursuing, that could cause her to want to take flight and go drinking, just to get out from under the emotional pressure for a while.

Quote:
Quote:
What you see as her "efforts" in the M, could be obedience.


Its hard to believe any grown person would be obedient if they are one foot out the door. Is this positive or negative thing?


Let me say it another way. She may be complying (outwardly) in the manner that she knows you expect of her. That's why I am not certain what you mean by her acting married. If you expect her to conduct herself in a particular behavior that indicates a woman is married......she probably knows what that way is, don't you believe? Most of us have our personal standards of what is proper and not proper behavior for M people. Maybe the only behavior you care about is her fidelity. If so, then she is going to act the part. At least, momentarily, until she decides what she really wants to do. B/c she knows that will keep you off her back, and it buys her some time.

Quote:
Ill be honest while i am trying to understand it and know i have to endure, it is difficult because men(or especially me) aren't wired this way at all.


That's why I stick around doing my thing. wink


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandhi. I should not have said rules. I think i meant stages. WAW - Piecing - etc.....

Quote:
Let me say it another way. She may be complying (outwardly) in the manner that she knows you expect of her. That's why I am not certain what you mean by her acting married. If you expect her to conduct herself in a particular behavior that indicates a woman is married......she probably knows what that way is, don't you believe? Most of us have our personal standards of what is proper and not proper behavior for M people. Maybe the only behavior you care about is her fidelity. If so, then she is going to act the part. At least, momentarily, until she decides what she really wants to do. B/c she knows that will keep you off her back, and it buys her some time.


I think this nails it on the head. Its amazing how i should know this but i guess when you are living it you dont get that outside in perspective.


Quote:
I am not sure what you mean by your W acting like she is married, unless you mean b/c she's not contacting OM.


i guess we are doing all the things we use to do together that it feels like everything is normal. She offers to do things for me (normal everyday things) and picks up things for me at shop cause she saw it and thought i'd like that.

I have asked her to be transparent with me and she has been quite transparent, updates me throughout the day on her whereabouts, whos shes with etc. On top of extremely limited contact with OM and thats only because hes her boss.

On an upbeat note she has quite unexpectedly landed a new job with USA embassy here with a really good offer. Shes excited to leave her old job. She just has to negotiate her leaving now.

Quote:
I know that people have their own standards of how people "act married". To me, her going across the border with her sisters.....to drink, is not exactly the epitome of how a married lady conducts herself. But that's just me. I'm sure others may not see a problem at all. Maybe it was completely harmless. If you have been pursuing, that could cause her to want to take flight and go drinking, just to get out from under the emotional pressure for a while.


Going to the border for a drink is regular past time here. Brunei being a dry (no alchohol) country. You have to go across border. Its only 15 minutes away from where i live so it sounds more extreme than it really is and she hasnt "hanged out" with her sisters in a long while, so it was more like a reunion for them than her trying to get away from me.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Hey Natus, I caution you on the transparency and marriage behaviour too. As i stated before, my WW reads out her TMs, talks on the phone in front of me, even lets me check her phone. These are things to keep you trusting her, keep her cake eating and you blind.


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I got you DDJ, i can do more than check her phone though since i work for the mobile company and can pull up logs even if she deleted them from her phone. However i am not going to do that again it just fuels the anxiety and bad feelings.

She doesnt go out and when she does she has been honest although its only been two and half weeks. Still early days.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Yeah, i just got the itemised billing and just deleted it. No point. Still flirting with idea of using recorder on my end. Whats the point tho hey...


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Changed the title to reflect the timeline. Heading into 9 weeks, month 3 now.

In past 1 week i have failed hard in my DB.

I was doing better 2 weeks ago even to the point my W said she was looking at me. I feel in the past 1 week alone things are spiraling out of control.

Today i need to be disciplined and work hard at it. I need to back off and give her space while maintaining boundaries. Most importantly i need to do something for me.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Lousy start to today.

I started the day sure i was going to give W space and not initiate any convo. When all of a sudden i get a surprise call from one of her office mates sprouting some nonsense that the OM left office suddenly using anothers staff's car i.e he borrowed someone elses car.

First i thought well i know where my W is, shes went to meet her GF for breakfast. Ofcourse the paranoia from the mysterry caller infected me and i had to check up on her.

Well that led to a little fight / tif.

Now im suppose to go home for lunch, W texted she ordered lunch but i kinda dont feel like seeing her after the fight. If i dont go it wont look good either cause she took away lunch for us.

We are also suppose to go watch a movie later.....i know i know pursuing..... maybe i'll just ask her to bring a friend instead.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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So after lunch W initiated R talk. Its the same thing ILYBNILWY, still cares about me etc, sees me as a deep friend and father to our son, waiting for me to be on the same page etc All with tears in her eyes.

I mostly just listened and towards the end said im not interested in just being friends and left it at that.

Apparently we are still watching movie later as she bought the tickets yesterday. Im not sure how i feel. Its a movie i want to watch but i am not sure how to act around the W now. We are obviously not going as a couple. I guess ill just enjoy the movie and participate in whatever conversation that happens.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Is it bad i just want to say F it and move on?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Not at all. I wish I could throw mine off the Falls myself. Bring your one round here too.

Don't spend time with her. As little as possible. I'm stuck for 4 days. You're not. She needs her space. Give it to her.


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Dont know how to get out of it now without being a jacka$$. We pretty much confirmed going earlier after the R talk.

Im just going to go and enjoy myself, it is a movie i want to watch. I'll just pretend im "accompanying" her.

Anyways made plans for myself Sat night. My turn to go to border for boys night. I think im going to go ahead with my tattoo as well. At this point i dont care, i want it, i've been wanting it forever, and its my kids name.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I've been thinking about my GAL. I think i am going to see if i can get back into kickboxing competition. Im still young-ish, just a few nagging injuries but the focus will atleast give me something to aim for.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Plus hitting things will help with the emotional rollercoaster right now.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Very nice Natus. It is about releasing stress.


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Go for it. No reason not to start kickboxing again. If it is what you want to do, do it.

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Originally Posted By: Natus
Is it bad i just want to say F it and move on?


No.

It's a choice.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Oh and buy your own tickets and go to the movie another time.

Happy families?

You already said no friend zone and by going you will be friend zone.

Mouth and actions should match.


V


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V 64, WAW


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hi Vanilla. I didnt see it that way. You're absolutely right. We go out as H/W or not at all.

How do you guys do it though? We are still living together, same bed, do things all the time together with kids.

Do i start to actively not be around her? like if shes home should i go out?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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So the W is texting me more throughout the day. Im guessing as a replacement for OM. That was their thing, texting.

Just gona follow the 37 steps and keep my responses short unless its about son.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Good plan - follow the 37 steps/rules.

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W texted if she can call her boss (OM) for updates on whether the company will let her go early for her new job offer. She was expecting a response today. She then offered if i would prefer she does it in text. I was surprised by the offer. Told her text. Presumably so i can read or verify shes being good. Im not planning to though, i just dont want to get in the habit of having to check / snoop again.

Major news not 15mins after her big big boss called to let her know she can go early. So now W can accept her new job offer, an exceptionally good offer which she is excited for and will alleviate some stress from me because she will no longer see OM daily and her because current company is winding down in 2-3 years

I know im not suppose to read too much into it but her continuous NC with OM and now changing job, its what i asked for.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Hi Natus, thanks for dropping by my thread. Looking at your sitch makes me wary of giving advice as my W is now living with her ex boss years after he sacked her! I think you are on the right track in setting your boundaries and conditions. I think you are right to be cautious. Whatever happens I hope you continue to work on a great R with your S. Keep strong.


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Hi Scrant. Well im definately going to be more cautious now.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Not 5 mins later received a call from her. Shes beaming with happiness and excitement she just got showed around her new workplace and all the background checks forms she needs to fill. She doesn't officially work there till next month though.

Before she hung up the phone she said see you later. This is the first time i feel she meant it. It wasnt the same forced line i've been hearing over the last weeks. Either that or im projecting.

I dont know. I think im imagining things today. We had a pleasant night last night with our Son. Then this morning the peck on the cheek felt warmer than usual.

I know not to read into it but i want to journal it anyway.

Im going lunch with the ladies from my office. This is the second office i've been posted in where i am the only guy. The things i hear omg! and they call us men crass.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Need to GAL badly tonight. Knowing shes back in office today and OM is there is depressing me a little this afternoon. Apart from the fact that everyone in her office knows about their affair so that should make it difficult for them to interact freely there is no way to know for sure she or him is honoring the no contact despite doing so well over the last two weeks.

Trying to drill it in my head that i have no control over what she does, only what i can do.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Keep drilling Natus.

I heard a song this morning, one line goes like this...

"I choose to be myself, you can choose to be my chick".


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Thanks DDj.

Its hard cause its not like she is choosing to go to OM, he just happens to be there in the same office. Not for long though she will move soon.

If she had chosen to go out with OM or to OM house then i'd kick her out the door already.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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You are still stuck in limbo, and she has all of the aces. I still think that you need to walk away from the table for a while and not think about what she's doing, even as you recover. She can still slip back into the EA with this last few interactions.

Darknes says that it's taken more than a decade to get her here, so it won't be over in just a short time. Have patience.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Impulse buy! I just bought a set of throwing knives on an from someone on facebook. Saw it, was cheaps and just thought yea that looks like fun.

Interestingly enough over the weekend went on an impromptu drive with W and Son to a bazaar and there was a stall selling traditional kriss (Polynesian / Malay battling knives). I'll be honest i wanted to get one and jokingly tell her(the W) its for the next time OM and or another guys messes with my marriage. Instead i just admired them from afar but i did noticed the W watching me admiring the knives. Now i actually bought knives.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
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Does anyone else feel like shaking off the shackles of years of being domesticated. I was a bad boy when my W met me then we got married then i was soo trying to be a good man. Now after everything it kinda feels like the bad boy wants to resurface again.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I've never been a bad boy, always a nice guy, unfortunately. Had a few jagged edges which i'm now rounding out nicely though.

Domesticated, yes. Had no choice with a W that was lazy as SHYT! But if i'm going to be "single" for a while then i guess that i will have to stay domesticated. REAL Woman love a man that cook and clean, it is my love language which is why i excel when i put my mind to it.


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Well i was an independent bad boy. Lived in my own apartment ,cook, clean etc long before i met my wife.

Its funny thinking back, her first travel out of the country was with me and over the years i took her around the world. Took her from a small tropical island meet my gran in Birmingham then my cousins in Scotland. Then a euro trip to through paris and amsterdam and back, traveled through china, Shopped at hongkong. Honeymooned in Bangkok, conceived my son in Bali. Holidays to Boracay and Phuket.

I showed her the world and now im second choice.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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My mother used to tell my WW that she must study and improve herself. My WW would reply, no, DDJ is studying so he'll look after me. I don't need to study.

I think that the material things and holidays are part of a sense of entitlement that they've always had, they want to achieve things, without doing the hard work. Nice guys will give them the world - literally!


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I have not been imagining things the past few days. There seems to be a thawing of her heart or at least the beginnings of such. I am mindfully cautious after spending so much time on this forums but i am playing it by ear.

My 180s have been going great. There are a few home improvement projects i would like to do but finances are limiting that.

Her transparency and No-contact with OM is going well bordering on super. If the proof wasn't before my very eyes i'd have a hard time believing it. I've also heard from OM's W that hes starting to spend more time with his own W and kids.

Maybe its the new job shes going to, i suspect W feels like its a fresh start cause it seems like we're making future plans, nothing major but that is a big 180 from her, in the early stages of BD and DB she would give me a look when i naively tried to make future plans.

I am starting to sleep. Yaay! Atleast i think i am. I feel its probably because im less anxious in part because its sunk in that i cant control her actions and will move forward either way and also because she has been very forthcoming, transparent and every time i had a suspicion over the past few weeks have been proven false.

Shes looking at me when we talk / interact. Another 180 from her.

The kisses on the cheek are becoming more frequent, warmer and more ummm lippy. Four weeks ago i couldnt even brush up against her without her jumping out the way. So that's also another 180 by her.

While i want to be optimistic i know these are still early days and it could turn around on me at any moment. Nothing else to do but keep on trucking.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Had time to reflect on the above and came to realise 6-8 weeks ago i was desperate to even have the interaction described above. Now i dont know anymore.

Deep down im questioning myself if i even want this M. Im not even reaching out to her anymore. She has done everything i asked with flying colors even since i confronted the A. So why does it feel like im grieving the loss of my M.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted By: Natus
Deep down im questioning myself if i even want this M. Im not even reaching out to her anymore. She has done everything i asked with flying colors even since i confronted the A. So why does it feel like im grieving the loss of my M.


Natus,

MWD discusses that in the DR book. I've forgotten exactly what she said, but it something to the effect of, now that the pressure is off of you, you're starting to feel all of the "appropriate" feelings. Again, I'm just paraphrasing, but she said not to immediately act on those feelings.

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It's protecting yourself. Like with coconut. You don't know to hold her near or throw her off the nearest water fall.

But as sandi says, if she's complying, let her in slowly. Do you have anything else to lose?


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Natus, read from page 7 in my sitch, it's me discussing the same things you are seeing in your W. Sandi's response at the end addressing feelings/ necessary actions at this time for you.

Blu also put a good comment about just knowing its real in your gut. Trust but verify.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2677177&page=7


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Thanks Coconut DDJ.

Coconut i read your link through to the end. Man how similar our stories are although we are not at cuddling stage yet. My W is even going out with her sisters this weekend overnight and even though i know its with her sisters i am still getting anxiety pangs.

Im being light and positive around her. Beamed at her this morning after kissing my son then gave her a light kiss before heading out but once in the car and driving away i feel mostly sad.

Its as Sandhi described in your link. I was so desperate to get intimate with her before but now im getting anxiety attacks wondering what i would do if she suddenly did come on to me (although i dont think we are close to there yet) .


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Bugger, i think i may have moved to fast letting her in. Just as soon as i did she went straight back into the fog again.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Im a little pissed off with the mind games.

I was going to drop my GAL activity going out of town next weekend and told her so. No sooner after im being treated like a spare wheel again.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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So went back to the 37 steps. Do not initiate convo, keep it short and to the point, dont pursue etc and guess what now shes messaging me like crazy. Talking to me and i spied her out of the corner of my eyes watching me but i busied myself in my books. If i had turned to her she'd probably ask me what is up but i really dont want to have that conversation now.

Im going to go ahead and go away this weekend on a GAL trip. Shes expecting me to go on the kickboxing trip but i want to do a complete 180 on go somewhere else alone. The kickboxing trip is technically me working and she knows that. I want to go somewhere and have some me time instead.

Im going to have to tell her where i am going though.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Day 2 no initiating or hanging onto convo.

Last night went to her family's side for bbq and karaoke. Spent most of the time chatting away with her brother and family. Realized i got a good relationship with her family. I am accepted, respected and am well family. Her sister (the only one W confided in) talked to me and hopes i will hang on. She doesnt want to see us separate. Shes been down the road before. So atleast i know shes in my corner when she spends time with my W.

W was bringing me food and beverages during the BBQ, it was alittle surreal. Like everything was normal. All in all it was a nice family time and i let myself enjoyed it.

I dont know why but i think she expected me to pursue her last night when we got to bed. She laid down and faced me for a few minutes from her side of the bed (she usually faces away immediately). I kinda avoided eye contact though, If she wanted to talk she could have said something. Im really not going to initiate. Im done pursuing until i see real signs.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Why only day 2, cause im starting fresh.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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So day 3 was meh in terms of no initiate anything and keeping convos short.

we went to my little niece's bday party and there were so many babies. I was beaming and playing with them and I couldnt help but think this irked the W a little as she knows i would love to have another kid but she doesn't want one. Didn't really care and just made sure our Son enjoyed the party.

So we gets home and i am reading him books before bed. She suddenly jumps in after im done with first book and demands to read son the next book. I was a little taken aback as it seemed like she was making it a competition. I couldn't help but wonder her motives. Is this part of that fog behaviour people on this forum talk about?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Yes, Natus, Ww can be competitive. Anything we can do, they can do better. Anything we can do, they can do too. (cue Sound of Music)

If we look good, they would look like fools to let us go. Or to dislike us.

Take note and then file this away. Don't let this get to you.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Quote:
REAL Woman love a man that cook and clean,


Huh?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
REAL Woman love a man that cook and clean,


Huh?



Some latent anger from DDJ smile
I would think any woman would love to have a man that cooks and cleans.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Oh oh.

So i've been keeping in light contact with OM's wife. Just updates from time to time, you know to make sure our spouses are behaving.

Its grown a little in frequency, mostly her venting about how the H has and is treating her. Me lending a sympathetic ear.

She laments not having a life, she stays home, makes dinner and lunch for H yet H is still being wayward. So i encouraged her to GAL. Let him watch the kids for once.

Now shes asked me out for drinks, that we go to the border (cause thats the only place to get drinks~ its only 15 mins from my house) and thats where OM and my W went for drinks with their office mates. A little sweet revenge in the mix.

Man I want to but i cant help but think this will not bode well for my sich. Is it GAL to go out with the OM's wife? or is it a big no no.

Assuming we can even keep this strictly platonic but i also have my doubts there. We are both hurt, neglected and yearning for comfort / reassurance.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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This is turning into a sitcom tv drama.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Hi Natus,

You know where this is leading to. A big no.

She needs to get her comforting from someone else who is not M, least of all M to her H's OW. Perhaps you could suggest to her to get IC?


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Originally Posted By: tjcran
Good plan - follow the 37 steps/rules.


Yes the 37 guidelines are a fantastic start.

You do that which works.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Natus
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
REAL Woman love a man that cook and clean,


Huh?



Some latent anger from DDJ smile
I would think any woman would love to have a man that cooks and cleans.



Yes a man that holds his own. Not one who is a doormat.

When I am in an R, and I work I expect my man to do his share of the chores. If he doesn't then I am overloaded. You live here so you do your share. You take care of the kids.

Chores are admin in life. I don't love my partner for doing his share. I get annoyed if he doesn't though. It can be different chores, it's whatever works for you.

I hate cleaning so we had a cleaner, gardening is not for me so I have a Gardner for the heavy stuff. I love cooking, decorating, washing, tidying, heavy duty cleaning, repairs. The household accounts and ironing XWH did. Little did I know he had a gambling issue. Eventually all he did was his own ironing, and after BD2 I stopped specifically doing his washing and then he complained about my cooking and shopping so I said either give me a list or buy your own. If I cooked and there was extra then that was good, if he wanted my food he could have it. If not get your own.

There is nothing nicer than sharing some chores as a couple. Some of its good fun. Other chores just need to be done. Whatever works.

Did I love him for doing chores?


Not really as he resented doing anything in the end.


Did I appreciate him for some of it?


If I was overloaded it was great to come home to find the bed changed or the fridge restocked.

H1 (who died) and I were muscrats with chores. He loved food shopping and cooking particularly. He like decorating together.

H2 loved gardening, his hobby. It is great that he enjoyed his garden. We were married for 20 years and pretty much bumped along.

H3 hated anything domestic. Anything at all at the end and sulked if he had to do anything. That was unpleasant I carried him. So I found that very unattractive. Clean your own shower and loo? Change a light bulb or two? Push a hoover? Wipe up after yourself? Put dirty dishes in the dishwasher? All basic.

Howe've love you for doing it, no not at all.

An adult pulls their weight and expects another to do the same. No attaboys for that. Just do your share, especially the things your partner hates if you enjoy doing it. When your partner is overloaded or ill then a bit more heavy lifting.

That's my take on it.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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As for OM W.

Really?

That's teenager territory.

A WW doesn't 'try' to give up an EA or A. They either do or don't do. Try is a really big excuse territory.

How will a revenge A help you grow up?

You are pro M aren't you? If not why are you here? This is a divorce busting Web site. It's is about you becoming.

Let it go

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: JksD
Hi Natus,

You know where this is leading to. A big no.

She needs to get her comforting from someone else who is not M, least of all M to her H's OW. Perhaps you could suggest to her to get IC?


Agreed JKSD, i wont lie though there is a little devil on my shoulder telling me how sweet revenge on the OM it would be. Alas i should file that under fantasy. I have actually suggested a number of times for her to go see an IC.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla


Howe've love you for doing it, no not at all.

An adult pulls their weight and expects another to do the same. No attaboys for that. Just do your share, especially the things your partner hates if you enjoy doing it. When your partner is overloaded or ill then a bit more heavy lifting.

That's my take on it.

V



Gotta agree with this. Although i think to take it a step further a women will love the idea of a man that cooks, cleans etc but you will never actually be loved for it.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Originally Posted By: Natus
Gotta agree with this. Although i think to take it a step further a women will love the idea of a man that cooks, cleans etc but you will never actually be loved for it.


My STBXW loves another man and loves that I cook and clean and provide financial support while dating the OM. smile


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Thx for the help guys... My mother says that cleanliness is next to Godliness. I love doing things for other people and if someone does something for me i really appreciate it.

V is right, as always. A confident, strong man in the kitchen can melt a woman - but won't stop her heart from freezing over (as per Natus).

Last edited by Cadet; 06/01/16 07:35 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

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