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#2675203 05/07/16 09:50 AM
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Hi all thanks for the advice. Strange turn of events , WW was supposed to be collecting D11 from outside the house today but decided to come in. I went into the kitchen and asked was she staying and she replied she wasn't sure I said let me know as I would go out and she answered a bit nasty with ' do what you want '

I spoke back in the same terms and told her that her pointing out to me on text the day before about her not staying on Fridays would upset D11 was not on as she chose to have OM move in and that stopped D11 going down I then asked about the money she is still getting from the family and would we get that back as she now had two incomes. WW said she was only letting him stay short term as the council would re home him soon

I then asked about divorce and she said she wanted to wait until the full five years but would agree to a legal seperation. She then asked what that would entail. I explained that the house would be held for a few years for the kids to grow up and the monies would be sorted including a small pension of about 75 k that I have. She said she didn't want the pension money as it was mine and if the court awarded it she would give it to the kids

We talked for a while and several things were discussed but the upshot is we will no longer talk She will come to the house when I'm not there to see kids and no more staying over

Vanillia. I do understand what your saying but it's very hard to see someone you were with for 26 years at such a low point in their lives I do know it's self induced and I had to take a stand re my involvement with her but all I wanted to do was hug her. I did tell her she needed to see someone but it was her choice and no one could help her.

I worry that she appears to have no real support and forgetting any R with me , how this turn out for her

Thanks all

rd500 #2675240 05/07/16 12:50 PM
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RD Movin on 13co


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2675249 05/07/16 01:01 PM
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RD

I know how tough this is for you, and I do really believe that keep drawing this out will just leave WW further down the destruction road.

I think as much for her as it is for you. I am hoping that she will wake up or at minimum get help.

Have you spoken to SIL she seems grounded.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2675258 05/07/16 01:37 PM
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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2675262 05/07/16 02:04 PM
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Hi Lady V.

Join in
Open up
How to
Needed
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Settle
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Ireland
England

9 down

rd500 #2675274 05/07/16 03:11 PM
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An attack of spew from your W. Now, this makes more sense (with regard to your letter) as it is a protection mechanism for your children. As I see it, your kids have made a decision not to see your W whilst she is 'involved' with OM. I'm no expert, but I can see this going two ways.

The first is that your W really doesn't care about the outcome of your M and has simply been cake eating whilst having some kind of R with OM. On this outcome, she will continue as she is and you will become D'd.

The second outcome will give a jolt to W, possibly pulling her out of the fog and a realisation that she is losing her entire family for the sake of some strange obsession with OM. This could lead to R (your choice) and a piecing together of the fractured family.

I do agree with you that while ever OM is staying with your W (if it be an EA, PA or friendship) there can be no R and you have every right to push for a D so you can finally have some peace and live your life, without worrying every day about W.

My last piece of advice, old pal, is to just hold tight for a few more days. Let the events of the past couple of days mature in your W's mind.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2675276 05/07/16 03:28 PM
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Thanks Huddy , the convo was long and she told me she has sold all her jewellery from the last 25 years and cashed in her bonds to survive She looks an absolute wreck and I truly feel for her

The kids are adament re OM and he's got plenty of his own issues

I've cut the rope so must move forward. I showed her the letter on my phone and the tears were pouring down her face as she read it. I can't see her coming out of this so as the wise Lady V says I need to let her go for both our sakes

I really appreciate you support and input today. Thank you

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2675335 05/07/16 11:01 PM
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Morning RD, I'm just checking in on you as I know it's been a tough few days. I see you had another convo with your W. ((((Hugs))))

I can understand why you felt you needed to cut the rope, and it must be hard to do, given that she doesn't seem to be in the best place. I think we always need to aim for a balance of compassion and standing up for our own interests and wellbeing.

It's been a trying time, so try and let things settle a little and then you could start taking steps to formalise your S arrangements perhaps?

I hope you have some lovely weather too today and can relax and enjoy a sunny Sunday with the family.

Take care smile x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2675342 05/08/16 12:12 AM
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Hi Sotto. Thank you for checking in. It is really tough , when WW is standing in front of me , she is obviously a very sad lady. It's hard to see her that way because I've never seen her like this before It was a long convo and she was telling me that she needs to see a doctor for a kidney infection Over here that cost 60 euro and I left the 60 euro on the table for her when I left.

Sot to , I know that's not DB but even though the M is dead and buried I do believe that she is depressed and I can't not help when she's standing I. Front of me

Now we've agreed no contact I'll not be able to see her and that should help me but I still worry about fragile state.

Thanks again Sotto Rd xx

rd500 #2675350 05/08/16 01:52 AM
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RD


I am so sad for you today. Is WW still working?

It was her choice to leave, her choice of OM, her decisions for alcohol, drugs and using her time wastefully.

Somethings are not her choice, her wonderful children struggling with her choices and then saying enough, her soft daft husband saying enough and her poor body saying enough.

Much as you love your WW the faster that rock bottom comes then the less the damage to her, you and the children.

I am glad you showed her your letter RD, there is something in black and white which stimulates the mind and makes things tangible. It says exactly what you want it to say and is precise and you have carried this as a burden for twelve months.

You can put that burden down now and move on to putting down the next one.

There is nothing that you can do for WW, there may come a time when her depression is too much for her and she will need more structured help. That is above your pay grade and hers. OM will be of little use.

Let go and let God.

There are too many choices for Join in I guess so I am clueless, I am white van woman so it's the ferry for me.

Speak soon I trust.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2675353 05/08/16 02:24 AM
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Try adding RD500 in your search, I will be on temporary assignment in Dublin.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2675354 05/08/16 02:32 AM
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Hi lady V. Re read the Join in. Post and read the first letters down.

Thank you for your wisdom. WW is lost and I don't know what will become of her I know it's not my problem and there is nothing I or the kids can do.


Take care. Rd

rd500 #2675356 05/08/16 03:43 AM
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Hugs

I am sending you all the best today

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2676068 05/10/16 12:46 PM
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Big hugs RD

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2676319 05/11/16 08:16 AM
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Hi Lovely,

Yes it is Pink, I am alive, but maybe that what it is right now, alive. Been busy, sick very often, lost, confused, hurt, strong, decided, crying and laughing... well, I am quite a mess and I am quite a warrior. I live by the minute and the craziness goes on and on... will update soon. And I would love to hear your voice, you can call me, that's why I gave you my numbers. You and the kids can also come to US and visit me and my kids.

I updated myself and I know very well how difficult it is. WW is saying all these things to you and in the same time she is insisting in helping the jerk.

I agree with everyone here that he is a leech, and I go further that he knows in his twisted mind that you may be generous with her and give her money, what means he can have it flowing his way.

Some people have twisted minds because they live inside that kind of environment for too long and do not know any different at some point in life. That's what they do and believe and they do not have the brains to change that.

Your wife was depressed and things went by for a long time. I wrote to you before saying that as a woman I kind of understand where she comes from as I was very depressed myself at some point in life. Being with you during the time of your sickness, raising 4 kids alone during that time, you starting your business and dedicating time and effort for the success of the company, ... and did I say 4 CHILDREN? It all played a good role on her illness.

AND I AM NOT BLAMING YOU RD... it is part of life and we do what we need to do, but sometimes we ladies push ourselves too far and add some menopause and sex issues with that, well you have a person struggling with depression.

I think that the whole letter thing is just a waste of time since she can sense and feel that you still love her. It may confuse her, but deep inside she knows that you care dearly for her. So why to direct her to think that you want her far away from you, when you want the opposite?

Why not fight for her love? Why not fight for your family unit?

What is happening is hurting your children more then if you sit with them and say you want her back and will fight for her. They will know what is your goal as a man and husband and they will also play their role as just her children and not take sides on the subject.

And with her? How could you win her back? I know, I know, it has been two years... and blah, blah, blah. But the reality is that we may go ten years crying the milk spilled and saying it has been ten years and we are still going around circles without resolution. If she is in your heart, then assume that and move towards winning her back instead of pushing her away. It may work and you get your family back together or it will slowly makes you let go for real.

See if you like my idea... and I have that since when I just came to the boards and I read a story about a man that helped his wife to move in with another man. He helped her so much and gave her so much support that she figured out he was what she was looking for all along.

The idea... Could you ask her how you could help this other man? If she does not have any involvement with him besides just being a nice lady trying to help this guy to get back on his feet, then maybe she can open up more about his issues and why she insist in putting him before her kids.

The way I see is that there is too much sadness around her, everything is bad and dark. Life around this guy should be hell and he is a big vampire just drawing blood from her.

RD needs to be the bright sun, the happiness, the laugh and good life. And you are. And that is why she did not let go of you yet. She is afraid, she is ashamed, she does not know what to do to change what she has done, so she stick to what makes her feel the little bit human she can be at this point.

I said before and I say it again. IMHO you can use this time to show her a new R. It will never be the same again. So, why not start a new trend R with her. Point out something she did good with a nice card. One day, leave a rose for her, nothing more, just a rose to thank her for cleaning something.

I have a feeling that this woman gave herself a lot during these 26 years and she felt empty at some point in time and that's when she got into depression mode. She felt worthless and she is showing that this is the way she sees herself.

Be the one to bring that worthy back, be the one to value her as a person, for all what she does. Help her to see herself beautiful again.

Like: "I was shopping with the girls today and noticed this blouse and tough you would like it, it is the color you like...just that, nothing more, nothing less. Things like that do wonders in a woman that is feeling like garbage. In the same time, do not be too available, do the DB stuff.

Maybe I have it all wrong, maybe I have no right to make your head spin in a different direction, but you are a strong man and you still love her. So, right now, you are the one standing for the marriage and carrying the heavy load. Michelle advise in her books that the work is harder then you ever tough about.

The urge to resolve things does not matter if your heart does not feel the same way.

With love, kisses, hugs and the wind in a face,
Pink


Pink17
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Pink17 #2676327 05/11/16 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: Pink17

Why not fight for her love? Why not fight for your family unit?


And with her? How could you win her back? I know, I know, it has been two years... and blah, blah, blah. But the reality is that we may go ten years crying the milk spilled and saying it has been ten years and we are still going around circles without resolution. If she is in your heart, then assume that and move towards winning her back instead of pushing her away. It may work and you get your family back together or it will slowly makes you let go for real.


RD, this isn't the first time you've heard this. There are several of us who have been urging you to try this out for a while. And as best as I can tell, your only answer is that you don't want to get hurt again. Not that you don't actually want your W back, but that you are afraid to put yourself out there. Am I wrong on that?

I put myself out there with My Nica. I went into it all opened up, knowing that I might in fact get burned, but knowing it was worth it if I didn't. I do acknowledge that would be harder to do with Mr P, given our history, but my point is you have to take a chance if this is something you want.

Listen to Pink.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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PInk , great to hear from you , a lot of people have been looking for you Thank you for posting.

My heart tells me your right , my IC tells me your right and my close friends tell me your right , it's my own thoughts and ego and pride that are stopping me

OM staying is too much for me , we've had no contact since Sunday when she sent this text

Hope all ok there and you slept, I wanted to say you didn't make a fool of yourself and no one's laughing behind your back, its all very sad that this is where we are at, I miss you all, the family life, dogs, cats and all, have a good day,

I didn't answer because I just don't know what to say She is clearly guilty over what she's done / doing but it still her choice to do it

She's at doctors today and i hope they are ae to help with her problems She's very unwell with IBS and a few other issues

I will think on what you have posted , I need time to adjust to OM staying with her and see how I feel. I will post more later but it's fantastic to hear from you. I've sent a pic on email of S21s day and my crew

Sunny D. My thoughts on putting myself at risk of rejection are too much right now I'm not sure of WW right now , she is obviously depressed and still denies romantic R with OM and like a fool ( maybe ) I believe her to a large extent BUT I feel I need to protect myself so I choose to let any chance of R go.

Thank you for your thoughts and I hope your doing ok after Mr Nica

Take care. Rd. xxx

rd500 #2676420 05/11/16 12:32 PM
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RD what the bloody hell?

So much fear and more fear. What do you have to lose? Understand that the M is over. This is you>>>>> I LOST THE GIRL.

OK, now you look at yourself and say: But, I want that girl. Hummm, what can I do to get the girl back?

RD, love has no age! We grow old and we may love smarter, but love itself is never old. So, brave yourself and try to flirt her back to you.

One day, if you look at it and feel it doesn't mean anything to you, then let it go, and it won't hurt no more. Right now, it hurts because you love her.

So, what is different if she was very young, you were boyfriend and girlfriend, then you broke up and she now has a new guy beside her. If you were that young would you just let it be? Or you would flirt and try to win her heart back until the day someone else crossed your way?

So my point is that you may not be that young and so she is not either, but love itself is not old, it always happen in any of our ages, with different meanings, purposes, but it happen.

Besides, starting somewhere does not mean you will be back in a week. It is a process. Why not make this process something beautiful. Because even war have it's beauty.

Please, think. Ask WW for a coffee or beer and talk to her, ask if you can help in any way (don't just give her money), if you can be at some help with this OM. You say you believe she is telling the truth and then OM bothers you. And if he is an OM, so what? When you love, you forgive. When you love, you understand. When you love, you are kind.

You are afraid to get hurt, but aren't you hurting still?

Love
Pink


Pink17
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D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2676440 05/11/16 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: Pink17

You are afraid to get hurt, but aren't you hurting still


Listen to Pink!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2678726 05/18/16 01:30 PM
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Hey Lovely,

Just checking in to see how things are going. Anything new? How is your wife doing?

Rd, I got the pic and loved it.

Hugs,
Pink


Pink17
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Pink17 #2678750 05/18/16 02:46 PM
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Hi Anjo. Thanks for checking in. WW has now fallen out with D15 as WW took a call from OM while D15 was there. D15 told WW that WW needed help because she was growing away her life M WW and D15 have decided not to see each other for a while but I think WW and D15 were both angry when this was decided

WW has text me with pictures of our dogs ( which I have in my house !! ) and has called a few times. I did answer the last two but I was abrupt

I have thought long and hard about what you posted before and I just don't have it in me to open the door. I've reached a point where life looks easier going forward without her as opposed to risking rejection again

This last week with NC was peaceful enough and no drama l

I an on riding my bike to work tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that

Take care. Rd xx

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It's over when you say it's over. Just remember advice from others that the end result doesn't affect, is just advice. You've been doing this long enough, and know your own limits.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
rd500 #2678763 05/18/16 03:33 PM
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I get that RD.

I truly do, WW hasn't yet had full reality checking in. I also understand the I am done philosophy.

I think that's the right approach fighting for WW heart will cause you to loop. All of this is your decision and you have my full support in it.

Eventually WW will know what she has lost and it is likely her choice to ask you to reconcile. Until then you are dealing with a weird infatuation. OM is a prize specimen WW will have to wake up eventually. Until she does RD, I am a dissenting voice, RD has no way of winning back his fair lady.

I agree with you.

Big hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Lovely,

As V said, I also get it. It's tiring the whole ordeal w/WW. By one hand she seems very fragile, confused and the truth kind of going crazy. By other hand, she is still making the choice of leaving her husband and mainly her four kids behind.

If I said that you may change things around and approach her in a more sweet way that she can understand you both could talk and "maybe" get to some conclusion to try again, it would be nice to see that people can make mistakes, can change and can get on the right track again.

Some people do that and they do not regret their decision to try and keep what was built so long time ago.

But I get that it is hard to just jump on a wagon and make it roll. I think it would be easier if you could see that she is genuinely regretful of her choices and let go on helping so much this OM.

I guess that deep inside your heart you know that she wouldn't do that if there was nothing else connect to it. You know this woman for years and unless she totally lost her mind, she has very strong reasons for destroying a family this way.

Regarding the kids, they are young, but not that young. And they have their own opinion about what she is doing. It certainly hurt them in many ways to feel abandoned by their mother. Because as much as she wants to play mamma bear, it is not and won't be ever the same.

She left them, and they probably went to many different stages of this separation. Feeling guilty, regretful, angry, sad, worthless, and so on. This is a very critical age and they need a more solid ground to grow their character.

The mind, body and soul are telling RD to let go, it is just up to that old heart to decide it when time comes, if it comes.

I also think that with that comes some decisions about the boundaries. The free coming and going in your house. I know she has rights about the house, but I am quite sure that she may agree in having a visitation schedule so everyone has a better schedule and no surprises.

It is important that the kids are also respected since they are young adults. The calls and texts also should be limited by just kids subject.

Of course, this is all my own opinion. You are the only one to decide what, when, where and how. She may need for once to taste what she is cooking. She decided to leave her family, that is when she gave it all up for a life she wants.

The whole marry go round may start again and she may play the poor me card, but then it is also something she did more then once and is still going around in circles, playing with too many peoples lives.

Maybe you are right, maybe it is time for her wakening to reality. My mom use to say: There is no hell, what we do here, we pay here. I guess she is right on that one.

Good to know that the weather is getting better and you can again enjoy the bike rides. Lovely, just bloody lovely!!!

RD, I actually get because I am kind of tired too. I am tired of feeling the bastard doesn't want me, doesn't love me, doesn't give a D*** to me and I am there, just like a little puppy waiting to be picked up.

Hope I didn't step on your toes and did not hurt your heart. You are a good person, a busy father and deserve better. When it is all settled and done, it was you that stayed behind cleaning the mess and doing the heavy lift. Raising four teenagers is not an easy task. Congrats to you!

Love and hugs to you and your gorgeous kids. They look really lovely RD, you are a beautiful family. It is just so ashamed we live so far, it would be nice to go out for dinner with all our kids.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
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Pink17 #2679184 05/20/16 07:45 AM
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Hi Anjo. I'm grateful for your advice and it's very similar to ICs IC is also a M councellur and said that I need to give it time and recognise the WW is lost

The calls have been about the kids this week with a bit of nothing thrown in

IC also wants me to love my life for myself and the kids but not to shut the door fully

The NC ( less contact ) is better for me and I think both you and Lady V are right in your own ways. I'm choosing to move on because of fear and I recognise that Maybe I will regret it one day , only time will tell.

Again , I'm very grateful for your input and your have always been a great friend to me

Lady V , as you know since WW left I have left her to herself but always been available when she needed to talk. I have now cut this back and I do feel better for it. My belief is WW is lost and after almost two years she looks like that's her new default position Thanks for the advice

Take care ladies. Rd. xxx

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Hi all I was reading through some of my old posts to try and gauge if I've improved much over the last 18 months

Two things stood out for me , WW and her words / actions have not changed one bit One of my first posts was about WW discribing her feeling s of being lost and losing everything , etc and last week she said exactly the same thing

I point this out because I have seen serious temp checking , almost to the point of WW more or less talking about coming home and while I could have jumped in and embraced the temp checking , I DBed because part of me feels she isn't ready and seeing those old posts only confirms it.

The second thing that was clear to me was how I have gone from an emtional wreck , completely unaccepting of my reality to accepting and dealing with my lot.

I'm luckier than some as WW keeps her life to herself and portrays herself as the one now wrecked and lost. I say portray because believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do I have my kids , pets , home , income and constant regret ( shown but maybe not really felt ) by WW My life has improved in many ways while WWs appears to be a shambles , and while I don't take any pleasure from that , it certainly doesn't hurt either

My reason for posting the above is for any newbies searching for hope. My story may not be a success story just yet but whatever happens in my future , DBing and the kind souls on this forum have got me through it. Yes there's still some sorrow but most of the time I'm good

Anyway , quick update

I have agreed with WW that no more calls , this was 2 weeks ago and true to her word I've only had 6 calls and 4 texts. Two of which were sad in their own way

We also agreed I would be out of the house of Saturday's so she could see kids

WW calls me Friday pm and said it was fine with her if I was in the houseman sat , I told her I had plans so no prob. I'm applying to work in a home for troubled teens every sat pm so I will have proper plans shortly. This week I went to my dads and assembled his new lawnmower

Kids and I have lost a bit of the bonding we had been having so I've been pushing for evenings out. It's tough because the ages range from 11 to 21 and it's hard to find something we can all do. We do go for walks but I wanted something fun so last night we went to a bowling alley ( D11 does not like bowling because she very slight and struggles to put any force behind the ball ) BUT instead of bowling we played Air Hockey / pool , strength tests ( plastic sledge hammer ) and played a game where you put 20cent coins into a machine and it causes ( or doesn't ) more coins to fall off the edge

We all had a great time and ended up staying for two hours During the slot machine game D15 won a five euro note but it got stuck In the machine. We called a member of staff and he couldn't find it so gave us a 5 euro note from the till. Two mins later the original 5 euro note fell out to out to our amazement.
I took the note to the same member of staff and explained what had happened and he thanked me for being honest. I didn't tell the kids that if it had been 5 million that I would have ran as fast as my legs would care me !!!!!

Anyway the member of staff duly came back and gave us the 5 euro note back saying he was impressed by our honesty We duly put the money back into the machine over the next ten mins !!!!

We came home , I cooked sausage rolls for their supper and we all fell asleep in front of the tele watching Zoolander 2 It was a fantastic evening that I will treasure because not one of us was anything but happy

Enjoy your Sunday and thanks for reading

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2679709 05/22/16 11:07 AM
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Awesome family story!


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Ralph88 #2679711 05/22/16 11:23 AM
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One big thing for me RD, my sitch and yours; how much of the problem is simple stubbornness? An unwillingness to admit that a mistake has been made and that to return would cause them to risk embarrassment, which to some people is a real problem. How do we handle that?

Glad you had good fun with the kids!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2679725 05/22/16 12:19 PM
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Hi Huddy , I think the way to to look at it is if we are not worth them feeling embarrassed over their actions then they really don't want us that badly do they ?

I've detached and if or when WW makes a serious move to attempt a new R then I'll decide what too do

Just a nugget from my IC , she doesn't believe WW really feels she's separated from me and this is like she's viewing it as she's trying to get through her thoughts and feelings because she lost her way.

From your sitch it seems that might be the case as WAW is not really getting on with her new life

Thanks Ralph , it was just a good time , nothing spectacular , just a family out having fun



Take care. Rd

rd500 #2679945 05/23/16 08:51 AM
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Hi RD,

Glad you found something you all could do together. And it made me smile too. You have an 11 year old girl with some trouble handling the heavy bowling ball. Well, I normally get myself in some trouble and very tired trying to keep up with the hooligans.

My two older boys did football in high school and they work out at the nearby gym. S16 is still doing football and keeps his workout. They are tall, strong and seems like they never get tired.

I was at a mountain resort some time ago with the boys and we were playing tackle football in a pool. There was a gentleman that approached us and said that he was really impressed and amazed to see my willingness to play that rough game with the boys and he was impressed with such happiness. We talked for a little while and it just happen that he was a LBS but had no kids.

When I read about your wife I also think that it is so hard to understand these people that leave their families and then find themselves so lost. It is really sad and it is difficult to get our minds around it since they do not think the same way we do.

We see that things can be worked out even if it is difficult. We see that if they just shake off the dust and take a decision to find their direction, that everything would be slowly falling into place. But I guess, there are some different chemicals in their brains that do not allow them to see the same way and create just depression.

As with many other things in life, maybe time will tell if your WW will get better or be in a constant hell.

RD, did you ever hear about this OM? Like if he has family near by, or was married before? I know some people with bipolar disorder that are totally alone and the family basically gave up on them because they are very hard to deal with. Some don't really take their medications all the time and they do not function well among other people.

Did your W ever said what is her goal helping this man?

Anyway, I can only see that she got herself into hell and it is hard to get out of there. Some people with this kind of sickness are only trouble and their lives are really messed up all the time.

I see you are feeling better and I can almost picture how it goes since it has been the same for me. Slowly we built a life for ourselves and the kids and we find happiness in it.

It's not the same anymore, but sometimes it is even better as it was before. So, I get mixed up about my feelings regarding the M. I guess you find yourself in the same spot as well.

The only thing that stays unresolved is that emptiness and loneliness feeling that crashes the heart sometimes. I wonder if you feel that way too. We are happy and busy being parents, workers, helpers, etc... but the man feels the absence of love, friendship, caring. How does the man feels these days ?

Well, just my melancholic side talking here. I still admire you a lot RD. This family man side of yours is really attractive, shame we are so far away.

Love and hugs for the whole family.
Pink


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Hi RD,

How things are going with you, the kids and WW?

Love,
Pink


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Pink17 #2685763 06/14/16 11:03 PM
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Hi RD, I'm just following the lovely Pink around and will chime in too. How are things going with you and the family my friend? Update time!! Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2685765 06/15/16 12:16 AM
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I don't have much to offer you, but wanted to let you know I am sorry you are still hurting. The longer we struggle/stand the lbs seems to raise the bar on what is required to R again. The more we go through the more we decide that that is not acceptable. We deserve more. You know that.

I have not yet experienced separation (in house or otherwise) but I imagine that when/if that happens, I will mourn briefly and then expand fully towards a life without W. Again this is just how I think I would react, but who knows really.

I am curious to understand why you don't seem to be fully able to move on yet you say you don't think you want to reconcile. This is for me to understand and not a reflection on you.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2685768 06/15/16 01:53 AM
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Hi Pink , Sotto and Roist, thanks for checking in. Life goes on. I'm doing ok D15 is doing exams , S17 is on school holidays and D12 is finishing in a few weeks

We've being greeting on with life and myself and boys were at a stunt show in sat which was really good. Nothing really to report , I'm NC with W even though she has tricked me in to speaking on the phone on one occasion. I'm feeling detached and accepting. I wouldn't say I'm over it all but generally it's good.

I have a date in Saturday and I'm looking forward to that , it's a lady I meet and she couldn't help but surcome to my charm ( you know , the usual story )

It's more an evening out for me more than anything else

I have an appointment with. D lawyer to start the paperwork but while I have the basics done I can't file for a few months as courts are on holiday until sept He tells me I have a cast iron case for custody , maintenance and the lion share of the house. The way WW left and her subsequent actions re maintenance and taking money from the family and working without paying tax means she has placed herselff very precariously legally

Roist. Thanks for the question and it boils down to this , I have 3' trusted advisors , IC and two family members , all three are feeling me to be patiant and she how this works out. I'm not sure of how much of my story you've read but WW has OM but is still denying romantic R after two years. She is now on anti Ds , is losing her hair and financially is struggling big time. She sees her children for about 15 hours a week and appears extremely sad most of the time. I have had very little spew and no history re writing , in fact she often stress how the M was good and she doesn't know what she's doing and is making a huge mistake with her life OM is bi polar and an drunk and it WW on words , doesn't give a crap about her

I know a lot of people in this board would love to have a WAS with regrets and no history re writing and apparently in a worse sitch than themselves but in a way I would find it easier to have WW say she was happy with OM and she felt she made the right choice because it would allow me have a bit of anger

Anyway I have to head out to see a customer so thanks again

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2685770 06/15/16 02:05 AM
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Just re read this and sorry about all the spelling / auto correcting mistakes

rd500 #2685793 06/15/16 06:25 AM
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Hi RD, just stopping by for a bit of support. I think starting the paperwork but not being able to follow through immediately might be a good thing. It will give you time to process this final step, time for W to do what she's going to do about it, if anything. It might be hard to wait, but you've been at this a long time anyway. Hang in there.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2685796 06/15/16 06:45 AM
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Thanks Sunny. I must pop over to your thread and see how your doing

rd500 #2685806 06/15/16 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
Thanks Sunny. I must pop over to your thread and see how your doing
I haven't updated it lately, there are lots of complications. But I've recently added a couple of key people to my support team, I'm getting lots of good advice. wink



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2685862 06/15/16 11:32 AM
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That's great. I too have recently found someone that I can share things with Isn't great how you can find friends in the strangest of places smile

rd500 #2685866 06/15/16 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
Isn't great how you can find friends in the strangest of places
The key, apparently, is being willing to look. wink Some are, some aren't.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
rd500 #2685867 06/15/16 11:44 AM
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Must be good RD.

I hope your lady date is a classy girl that your sis would approve of.

Go have fun.

Once that paperwork is going strong RD, you are free as a bird.

Loving the sound of this.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


SunnyB #2685888 06/15/16 12:52 PM
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Thank you for your wise words

rd500 #2685903 06/15/16 01:48 PM
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Hi RD, sounds like you are moving forward my friend.....ooh a date....hope you have a lovely time - of course she finds you irresistible!! Relax & enjoy yourself xx

Good luck with the legal side of things too and know that we are all here for you if you need us.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2686342 06/17/16 10:42 AM
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Hi RD,

I really, really don't get why your W is doing this to herself, to her kids and even to her marriage.

I get when people feel miserable and look for something else outside the marriage, or just leave because it is unbearable. But leave a situation that may seen bad and get into one that is much worse is a no brainer for me.

I guess that's why I am the LBS, because I always believed in marriage and during my R I though "It will get better tomorrow".

Oh well, I guess it is her loss. Struggling throw this all, not having her kids and stuck in some delusional life she created for herself.

I am very happy that your kids are moving along. It is sure nothing easy to deal with all their pain, and even if they don't talk about, they have it deep inside their heart. But fortunately they have your support and love and can make up for some of the losses.

Now about you my friend, I am very happy you are not feeling down or struggling as much as a few months ago. Time is an amazing weapon and even with scars we feel better after some time goes by.

Happy you have a date. It is really nice you will have some time for yourself and who knows, maybe this is lady is a nice girl and came in the right moment. If not, then it is also good to find out what you do not want, or what is too little or too much.

Slow but steady, and RD will find happiness again and be loved by someone that won't give up so ease.

Please, let us know how that goes in details. I am very curious to know about it.

Love to you and kiddos,
Pink


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Pink17 #2686344 06/17/16 10:44 AM
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Ah, RD, thanks for the shoulder other day. I was so down on myself that day. It was nice that you respond me so fast. I will update my page but it is all the same still.

Love as always,
Pink


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Pink17 #2686357 06/17/16 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted By: Pink17
Please, let us know how that goes in details. I am very curious to know about it.
Agree, can't wait to hear all about it.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2686368 06/17/16 12:17 PM
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Thanks all. It will just be a quiet meal and some wine , a few candles , soft music and a large white bear rug ( fake )

You know , the usual first date kind of thing

Oh and in the morning , pancakes. smile

rd500 #2686382 06/17/16 01:12 PM
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Will there be a pair of Spanish guitarists serenading at the table too?? I hope you'll learn their song and join in if so....the ladies love that kind of thing.... wink

Hope you have a nice, lighthearted time - relax and enjoy yourself xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2686388 06/17/16 01:58 PM
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Wow you sassy RD, so you going with the full metal jacket attack. Weapons in place... check!!!

Eat some bacon too. It is always good some protein in the morning, specially after candles, music and a bear hug.

Keep filing us up with the details, some happy around here never hurts.

RD, like Sotto said, relax and enjoy it, you deserve. And you cheerleading team is here for you.

Love,
Pink


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Pink17 #2686420 06/17/16 06:33 PM
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Ooh. I like the pancakes. smile

Sounds like you had fun!


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Pink17 #2686421 06/17/16 06:33 PM
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Ooh. I like the pancakes. smile

Sounds like you had fun!


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD #2686593 06/19/16 02:18 AM
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Pancakes?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2686611 06/19/16 05:48 AM
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Happy fathers day hugs to RD
From
Your Internet sis

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2686737 06/20/16 03:13 PM
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A Belated Happy Father's Day, which is every day for the good dads out there.

I am so curious...please, please, please, tell us how the pancakes look like!!!

Pink


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Hi all , date didn't happen , D15 was not well so I cancelled. Didn't think lady was too bothered but turns out she might have been Never mind , it was only going to be physical and I was tired anyway smile

Not much else to report re the sitch , I was with IC last Thursday and she wants me to put D on hold for a while but I'm not sure. I think my ego is too big and I want to take control and go for the D regardless. Part of me feels it's the wrong thing to do but most of the time I think it's a good idea

If the D is final , I get to stay in the family home , I can stop WW entering the home and basically make her life a lot harder. While I'm not happy to do this , one follows the other and because of how WW left and her employment status she really can't defend the D without bringing a lot of pain in her life , financial, emotional and possibly legal

Again , I don't want to cause her pain but the D laywer says that this is the time to strike because of the unique position I'm in right now

Those that follow know that WW, appears to be in a mess and while I don't own that In any way I also want WW to be ok and even happy in her life. ( not too happy obviously )

I've gone NC with WW , ignoring calls and not answering texts unless kids related and I'm finding it easier to deal with than I thought. She has called today to complain about my housekeeping and I just replied in a text , ' thanks for pointing that out , I hadn't realised '

I was pleased I answered the way I did because the old me would have reacted and not in a good way , I do work a full time job running my company , I do have a house with 5 people in it to run and even the garden takes 3/4 hours a week at this time of year just to keep under control. I think I might have grasped the initial part of validation but if others think not please advise

I ( think ) validated for the simple fact that WW believed she had a legitimate issue

I could have pointed out that I washed all the floors on Thursday and dusted and hovered yesterday and that the 4 kids living in the house would not win awards for housekeeping this side of ever !!! I could have pointed out that I didn't get home until 7.30 or later any time this week or mention that she only works 3 days a week so she could always step up to the plate and clean BUT I didn't because that's not validating that's reacting !!

I'm doing ok in myself but my two Ds are convinced WW is coming home and WW has been making noises about changing jobs and leaving the place she currently works , which the kids hate because it's when she started there she changed. I don't know if the place was a reason she left or not but its not the healthiest ( mentally ) place to work and has a rep as such in the area we live
It's hard listening to the Ds but I do and just validate.

That's all folks , life goes on , I'm currently typing this from a mountain near where I live and the view is gorgeous Obviously I'm sitting behind the steering wheel of the car because it's late June and its Ireland so it's raining

I hope you all have a great weekend and take care. Rd

rd500 #2687483 06/25/16 07:35 AM
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RD

You lovely dad, the kiDs are old enough to help with the chores.

I am glad you have someeach.

I do recommend NC for a while too, there ishould no requirement to validate or comment to WW on the housekeeping. She is no longer your W and so not her concern. Thats my view.

Keep on trucking dearest bruv.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I agree with V. I wouldn't validate comments on housekeeping, and your kids are old enough to do housework.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose888 #2687499 06/25/16 08:42 AM
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Thanks Lady V and Rose , I appreciate your comments I suppose I was just avoiding getting into any convo with WW , so validating seemed a good way to go

I've noted your thoughts and when ( for it surely will ) it arises again I will not responded or dismiss it

Thanks again. Rd

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Hi Rd

A physical date? Well, why not? Every man has needs wink

Anyway, why is she commenting on your housekeeping? She chose to leave, so why does it matter to her one jot? I think any man who works full time, has numerous children of teenage years has a fight on his hand just to keep on top of the cleaning etc. Just realised that sounded sexist; any woman as well!

I can't say I'm too good at validating, so, if you've made an effort, good for you.

Ah, the weather in the British Isles is great in June isn't it!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Don't even go there with the British Isles !!!!!!!!

When I got home WW had cleaned the house and done the windows.

Result

rd500 #2687547 06/25/16 01:23 PM
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Hey lovely RD - I'm sorry to hear your date didn't go ahead.....or maybe it' son bad thing!!! blush Actually, I'm finding NG pretty attractive these days, so I get where you're at...do you think you'll re-arrange at some point or just let things go with her?

I SMH at your W's comment! Working full time and with four kids - it's not surprising some housekeeping things slip. You're only human.

Still - pleased to hear she chipped in and helped. And I think your validation was fine - though not responding would also have been an option IMHO.

Lovely RD - only you know if it is time for you to initiate D. As time has gone by, I have been glad that decision was taken out of my hands - though I was so sad (as you know) at the time. You will know when the time is right.

Is it me or has the UK weather gone a bit bonkers? Hot and then dramatic rainstorm, then hot....I don't know what to wear these days!

Hope you're having a good weekend my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey RD

I thought I would drop by and say hi

I am not sure if I ever really took the time to thank you for all the time you posted on my thread.

I hope your keeping well I am in a better place right now it has taken a very long time but I am starting to feel stronger each day that passes

I have done a heck of a lot of thinking and self evaluating and I realise that no matter how my life had been I believe that I would have got to this point at some point

I could list a thousand reasons why she fell out of love with me perhaps it was me not doing the washing or perhaps it was me doing it but not putting the washing into the tumble or could it have been me not emptying the tumble or folding the washing or perhaps not folding it the way that she wanted me to fold it or it could have been th fact I did not put it away or the fact that I put the washing in the wrong draw or even,I gave her cloths to our daughter who is the same Size ..I guess the point I am trying to make is no matter what I had done or had not done it would have not been right or not to her expectation

I do not want this but I cannot control it so I try to worry less about it...believe me I have been to the darkest places

Take care my friend

Man hugs

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
ATPeace #2688172 06/29/16 12:39 AM
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Hey RD (& Ghost) - just chipping in to say the falling out of the feelings of love may be more due to his needs her needs type issues - women long for intimate conversation, affection, honesty & openness, £ support and family commitment.

I think the first three can be difficult to sustain in the hurly burly of normal life....but it's worth understanding the importance of them and how a disconnect can develop if they become absent from the R.

RD my lovely, I hope you are doing well this week my friend. Are you and lady friend going to set up a rendezvous any time soon??

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2688328 06/29/16 12:32 PM
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Hi RD,

hope you are doing well. I read your last thread. No wisdom or advice to offer - I'll leave that to Pink and V - just wanted to show support. It is a shame our Ws can't see what is obvious to everyone else: that their actions are destructive and self-destructive.

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2688657 07/01/16 07:08 AM
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Hi All. Thanks for all the posts. Life is struggling on. I have a very sad day tomorrow , I'm having one of my dogs put to sleep. His back legs won't support him properly and he has several lumps so it's time. He's a great guard dog and at the same time the gentlest guy you would ever meet I could go on but those of you who are pet lovers know how it feels

Kids very upset because of him but otherwise all ok. I'm off out tonight to meet my lady friend so that will be a distraction for a few hours I'll update you all tomorrow but obviously being a gentleman I'll keep the details of the dessert to myself LOL

It's been pointed out to me how I protect myself with humour and how it covers my insecurity and I had to agree. If you meet me I'm Mr Confident and the life and soul but I'm always afraid people won't like me so I keep the real me hidden Not sure why I'm telling you all this but I suppose you never stop working on yourself and that's a real issue I need to deal with. Not sure how it started because I'm wonderful !!!!!!!!

No real news on WW, She has kept calling and I did answer after she called 3/4 times and we discussed our dog. She also told me she was getting another job which is something I would have been overjoyed about a while ago but I just acknowledged it and ended the call ASAP.

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2688672 07/01/16 08:04 AM
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sorry to hear you will have to put down your dog...they are part of your family for so longoing. it hurts.

I am excited to hear you are going out tonight. I hope you are able to enjoy yourself!!!

have a great weekend


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
rd500 #2688673 07/01/16 08:06 AM
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RD, agree, you are wonderful. Just remember to let all that wonderful shine through your defenses. smile Good luck on your date.

And I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved pet. Hugs to you and the kids. (((RD)))



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2688695 07/01/16 09:47 AM
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Hey RD,

So sorry about your dog. I hope he doesn't suffer.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2688706 07/01/16 10:38 AM
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Hey RD, I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely old boy. Our pets are such loyal friends and family members for many years and it is so sad to lose them. It is always best to do the right thing and make sure they don't suffer. Big hugs to you (((((RD)))))

I hope you have a nice time with your lady friend....and hope you enjoy the dessert course....whatever it may be! I'm sure many of us has a mask we wear in certain situations. It's certainly something I'm working on. Great if you enjoy being the life and soul, but if you feel you perhaps don't bring all of you to the table, it's worth looking at.

I'm certainly trying to have more authentic connections with people these days and worrying less about being liked or accepted.

Any ways, Have a lovely evening xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2688816 07/02/16 08:45 AM
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How did the hot date go bud?

Sorry to hear about the dog. Understand it's like one of the family and a chink of normality in an insane world.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2688842 07/02/16 02:35 PM
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Hi Huddy. Date went well , lots of chat and a good meal.

My doggie was heartbreaking. He was a big lad and a fantastic guard dog but superb with the kids. I cried like a baby but he was a mate

Watching a film with the kids now and had 4 texts and a call from WW

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2689557 07/06/16 11:50 PM
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RD

Will you repeat the date?

You had a good time it seems.

I am sad about the dog, losing a precious pet is heartbreaking, more so if it's a mate.

A change of job will be good for WW I think so. It would help you all if she had more cash too. It might also be that new folks won't know about the OM too.

Who knows, new jobs mean new focus.

Lovely RD, I think things may be getting lighter for you.

Big hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2689753 07/08/16 06:08 AM
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Hi Lady V. Losing my dog was heartbreaking He's been in the family for 13 years and was a wonderful lad. Truly a great guard dog but a big puppy at the same time.

I might repeat the date , not sure I did think the lady was good fun but we will see

WW will do what she will do. Kids have mentioned she's much more like her old self and that's greet for them. I do hope she finds happiness but want that is for her , who knows

I have felt more detached recently and it's nice. I still get those ' how did this happen ' moments and can't help thinking I've wasted a large part of my life on her but that can't be changed now

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2690203 07/11/16 06:35 PM
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Dating!

Good for you RD.

Pleased as anything you are having some great times

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


rd500 #2690440 07/13/16 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
I have felt more detached recently and it's nice. I still get those ' how did this happen ' moments and can't help thinking I've wasted a large part of my life on her but that can't be changed now
RD, just because you aren't together now does not mean the time you were with W was a waste. It absolutely wasn't. You loved each other once, you shared a good life, you made a home, you have beautiful children together. The last couple of years don't negate that.

The 26 years I spent with mr p were not a waste. I don't like how it ended, but it was a good life. The five months I spent with MyNica were not a waste. I came up with a lot of revelations in those five months. Don't re-write.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2690668 07/14/16 11:40 AM
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Hi Sunny. I understand what your saying but I do think it was a waste I could have been with someone who I could grow old with and enjoy the grandchildren ( hopefully) together with. Instead I now will be enjoying them 1/2 the time ? And avoiding conflict with WW or at best changing times so we don't turn up together

I do see it as a waste also because she's not who I thought she was and I could have found a better match. I think I've told you about the girl that I should have married and there would have been others

So , for me, it was a waste , I wouldn't change it because of my kids but if I could go back before them and change things , I certainly would

Take care and I hope your well Rd xx

rd500 #2690722 07/15/16 03:34 AM
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Rd, I am at a stage where I see and appreciate the good times for what they were, even when I don't feel very kindly towards the x.

I guess part of it is to make myself feel better - I was not such a bad person after all.

On the other hand, I also know that if I hadn't let myself be talked back into the R prior to marriage, I could easily have chosen any other suitors and still be happily married now. Even a meh marriage (which wouldn't have stayed that way forever) is better than what I had to go through and where I am at now.

And so I swing continually between the 2 states of mind. I am starting to find that they are not so mutually exclusive after all. Hopefully, I will be at rest one day.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD #2690730 07/15/16 04:57 AM
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Hi JksD. Thanks for posting. It not I don't appreciate the good times because most of it was good. WW constantly still says she was in love and happy with our R. + M and doesn't know what she's doing Her initial list of complaints has been apologised for by her lots of times now

I loved WW with all my heart and now see I could have been a better H BUT regardless of all that I still feel I've wasted a huge part of my life due to the reasons I gave Sunny.

I'm from a broken home and can't have my parents together at family events They are cordial enough but the tension is horrible so years ago we made sure they don't meet I'm now in that boat with WW and I never wanted to be and feel I wouldn't have been if I had chosen better

I met WW when I was 24 and she was 22. We were together 2 years before she insisted ( ultimatum) that we got engaged and got married 5 years later. We weren't kids and chose a life together as adults. Now we are were we are and it will cause issues until one of us passes. Ive no doubt things will get easier with time but it will never be normal again and that's why the years together were a waste Plenty of good things came out of those years togebter but still a waste in my opinion

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2690735 07/15/16 05:15 AM
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Yes, Rd. I do get what you mean about the wasted years... We only have so many years to live after all.

And to think that we have to still deal with the spouses for the rest of our lives after D.

Marriages may not be forever but Ds certainly are. The irony of it.


I also came from a rather broken home and I have always wanted better for my kid.

(((Rd)))


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD #2690776 07/15/16 10:00 AM
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Hi lovely RD. I can understand what you say about wasted years....but I'm not sure I entirely agree and I'm trying to work on this area. At this point, it's hard for me not to feel that marrying XH was a mistake. After all, we had a shortish M which failed. However, we had some great times and I'm trying to take a balanced view looking back. Our M was largely happy for me. I didn't like the ending, but the rest does stand for what it was in terms of my life journey so far.

It can be easy to look at others and to think 'I married the wrong person. But who knows how any R would have unfolded had you taken a different path. I'm sure if we met someone else, they would bring their own set of talents and irritations to the table as would we. We are all essentially flawed (and perfectly imperfect) beings after all.

So, I'm working on trying to remember the joy and looking back on the whole experience in a balanced way - trying not to let the trauma of the ending erase the beginning and the middle. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to do this for me and I don't want to feel that I 'wasted' years on a 'mistake.' Actually, I feel I made the best decisions I could make given where I was at the time. I'm in a different place now and would probably make different decisions, but that's fine and I have grown since that time too.

Anyway....hope there may be something useful for you my lovely online pal xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2692044 07/22/16 03:59 PM
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RD

Each experience takes us to who we should be. I am relieved to see you with some space for you.

I really want happiness for RD.

Rd from you union with WW you achieved 4 wonderful children and a real warm home.

No waste there then!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2692062 07/22/16 05:52 PM
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Hi lady V. It's been a waste for me. Obviously not the kids but I lived with someone I never really knew for 25 years + And I wish I hadn't but it is what is

Thanks for posting

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2692068 07/22/16 06:12 PM
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RD
Big hugs

For my Internet bruv, if you feel that way you do and I am saddened a little.

Accepting that you do

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2692417 07/25/16 06:59 AM
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RD, this is something I talked through with my IC more than once, that I felt like because it didn't end the way I wanted my M was a waste. You know I don't feel that way now. And I hope that someday, you come to see it a different way, too.

I've pushed you pretty hard lately, so I'll back off this one. There will be other topics to conquer. wink



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2692512 07/25/16 01:25 PM
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Hi RD, I'm just back from salsa and scooting in for a drive by hug. Looks like your other lady friends have dropped in already. Speaking of lady friends, did you go out on another date with the lady you met recently??

Hope all the family is well and you are managing to be your usual awesome self xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2692998 07/27/16 12:41 PM
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Hi Lovely,

I do not have much time now. Just back from my adventurous vacations (which was fantastic) and have tons of work.

But, I just want to say that I have been missing you, missing talking to you and playing our silly fantasies.

I will post an update from my latest journey.

Love to you and the kids.
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2695065 08/06/16 04:20 PM
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Hey, RD, how are you? It been a while since you've updated. What's going on with you?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2695846 08/10/16 08:05 AM
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bump



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2695917 08/10/16 02:31 PM
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RD

I confess to a deep concern about you, I think there is an undercurrent and I am about to get on a plane and find you.

RD was there in my darkest night of the soul, staying up with me and chatting me through great pain. Please do me the honour of returning that gift.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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All good thank you everyone.

Thanks care. Rd

rd500 #2696030 08/11/16 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
All good thank you everyone.

Thanks care. Rd
Glad to hear you are OK. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
rd500 #2696428 08/13/16 05:43 AM
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Hi all. I am leaving the board as a poster and wanted to thank everyone for their invaluable support. I was lucky enough to get great advice from Mr Bond ( which I didn't follow but wish I had ) and I made a great many friends who supported me through many hard times. My M is over and I'm heading for a D ( my choice )

For any newbies reading this , it does get better , it's hard to imagine because at BD and for a long time after your world is in pieces and you can't accept that this is truly happening My advice is accept what is and move forward from there

Work on yourself but don't take blame for your partners failings If your on this board it's because you want / wanted to save your M and it is possible but it takes time and a huge amount of work. Follow the advice of the vets. No matter how unique your sitch might feel to you , the vets have seen similar before You came on to this board looking for hope and answers. Listen to their words because they know what they are talking about It will feel like the wrong thing sometimes but trust in the process

I'm as far from a vet as possible BUT I still have a few opinions to offer , be the best you at all times , always take the higher ground because karma is watching and when you look back in ten years time you will want to be able to have no regrets regardless of the outcome Your children come first , their lives need to be as stable and full of love as you can make them regardless of what's happening in yours Show them through actions how a parent deals with life , no matter what life throws at that parent Be the rock , always

I will keep an eye on my friends threads and you know who you are I've made friends with some outside the board and in many cases it was great to be part of your lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the very very best in your continuing journeys , all of you deserve true happiness

Take care all. Rd

rd500 #2696432 08/13/16 06:04 AM
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thank you for the update RD.

you deserve to be happy too, i hope you don't ever forget that!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Zephyr #2696510 08/13/16 01:31 PM
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Hi RD, it sounds like you feel at peace with your chosen path and that is the main thing my friend. Not every D gets busted and sometimes we file for D ourselves. However, you have been there with me from almost the start of my sitch and that is a long time to stand for the M and ultimately decide to move on.

I have been grateful for your kind and loyal support - and will always remember that you were the person who sat with me (virtually) as I cried when I received D papers. I also admire that you have been the rock for your kids and you have given them love and stability at a time when their Mum hasn't been able to do so. These are the things that we look back on and feel glad and at peace with.

You and I will hopefully keep in touch outside of the forum....and are you sure we can't tempt you to join us in 'Surviving the Big D??'

Best wishes and big hugs to you my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2696530 08/13/16 02:47 PM
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RD we didn't post to each other very often, but I read your thread and always read your posts on others. Thank you for everything you have given to others here on the board. I am grateful for the times you offered your care and support to me.

You are a good, loving and strong man, a gentleman with the most gorgeous flirty and witty nature. I have appreciated all these qualities in you. I know you will be missed by many. I know there are people here who consider a friend and for some more.

I wish you well on the next part of your life. I wish you abundance and wish you find love in the things you do and from the people your come across. And I know there is a special someone waiting to discover you and you them.

Much love RD and many hugs

JellyBxxx

I hope it's ok with you if I let PP know of where you are in your journey. I know PP had much respect for you and all that you offered him in his time here.

JellyB #2696679 08/14/16 12:03 PM
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Hugs RD

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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RD

I move to the MLC forum and you become a WAS! Tut, tut. Understand where you are and what you're doing. Good luck with that D nonsense. I know you're a good guy and one day I think your W will want you back. Sadly, it seems she let you get away.

Have a Guinness, and look to the East. Turn your face towards the sun, let the shadows fall behind you (thanks Rihanna)!

Good luck.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2699334 08/24/16 03:25 PM
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Wow! I have not been to the boards very frequently lately. I thought I would not find a familiar name. Finally, when I do, it is to say goodbye! Best of luck. I have learned from you and I appreciate all you have done.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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