Hi Anjo. Thanks for checking in. WW has now fallen out with D15 as WW took a call from OM while D15 was there. D15 told WW that WW needed help because she was growing away her life M WW and D15 have decided not to see each other for a while but I think WW and D15 were both angry when this was decided
WW has text me with pictures of our dogs ( which I have in my house !! ) and has called a few times. I did answer the last two but I was abrupt
I have thought long and hard about what you posted before and I just don't have it in me to open the door. I've reached a point where life looks easier going forward without her as opposed to risking rejection again
This last week with NC was peaceful enough and no drama l
I an on riding my bike to work tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that
It's over when you say it's over. Just remember advice from others that the end result doesn't affect, is just advice. You've been doing this long enough, and know your own limits.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I truly do, WW hasn't yet had full reality checking in. I also understand the I am done philosophy.
I think that's the right approach fighting for WW heart will cause you to loop. All of this is your decision and you have my full support in it.
Eventually WW will know what she has lost and it is likely her choice to ask you to reconcile. Until then you are dealing with a weird infatuation. OM is a prize specimen WW will have to wake up eventually. Until she does RD, I am a dissenting voice, RD has no way of winning back his fair lady.
I agree with you.
Big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As V said, I also get it. It's tiring the whole ordeal w/WW. By one hand she seems very fragile, confused and the truth kind of going crazy. By other hand, she is still making the choice of leaving her husband and mainly her four kids behind.
If I said that you may change things around and approach her in a more sweet way that she can understand you both could talk and "maybe" get to some conclusion to try again, it would be nice to see that people can make mistakes, can change and can get on the right track again.
Some people do that and they do not regret their decision to try and keep what was built so long time ago.
But I get that it is hard to just jump on a wagon and make it roll. I think it would be easier if you could see that she is genuinely regretful of her choices and let go on helping so much this OM.
I guess that deep inside your heart you know that she wouldn't do that if there was nothing else connect to it. You know this woman for years and unless she totally lost her mind, she has very strong reasons for destroying a family this way.
Regarding the kids, they are young, but not that young. And they have their own opinion about what she is doing. It certainly hurt them in many ways to feel abandoned by their mother. Because as much as she wants to play mamma bear, it is not and won't be ever the same.
She left them, and they probably went to many different stages of this separation. Feeling guilty, regretful, angry, sad, worthless, and so on. This is a very critical age and they need a more solid ground to grow their character.
The mind, body and soul are telling RD to let go, it is just up to that old heart to decide it when time comes, if it comes.
I also think that with that comes some decisions about the boundaries. The free coming and going in your house. I know she has rights about the house, but I am quite sure that she may agree in having a visitation schedule so everyone has a better schedule and no surprises.
It is important that the kids are also respected since they are young adults. The calls and texts also should be limited by just kids subject.
Of course, this is all my own opinion. You are the only one to decide what, when, where and how. She may need for once to taste what she is cooking. She decided to leave her family, that is when she gave it all up for a life she wants.
The whole marry go round may start again and she may play the poor me card, but then it is also something she did more then once and is still going around in circles, playing with too many peoples lives.
Maybe you are right, maybe it is time for her wakening to reality. My mom use to say: There is no hell, what we do here, we pay here. I guess she is right on that one.
Good to know that the weather is getting better and you can again enjoy the bike rides. Lovely, just bloody lovely!!!
RD, I actually get because I am kind of tired too. I am tired of feeling the bastard doesn't want me, doesn't love me, doesn't give a D*** to me and I am there, just like a little puppy waiting to be picked up.
Hope I didn't step on your toes and did not hurt your heart. You are a good person, a busy father and deserve better. When it is all settled and done, it was you that stayed behind cleaning the mess and doing the heavy lift. Raising four teenagers is not an easy task. Congrats to you!
Love and hugs to you and your gorgeous kids. They look really lovely RD, you are a beautiful family. It is just so ashamed we live so far, it would be nice to go out for dinner with all our kids.
Hi Anjo. I'm grateful for your advice and it's very similar to ICs IC is also a M councellur and said that I need to give it time and recognise the WW is lost
The calls have been about the kids this week with a bit of nothing thrown in
IC also wants me to love my life for myself and the kids but not to shut the door fully
The NC ( less contact ) is better for me and I think both you and Lady V are right in your own ways. I'm choosing to move on because of fear and I recognise that Maybe I will regret it one day , only time will tell.
Again , I'm very grateful for your input and your have always been a great friend to me
Lady V , as you know since WW left I have left her to herself but always been available when she needed to talk. I have now cut this back and I do feel better for it. My belief is WW is lost and after almost two years she looks like that's her new default position Thanks for the advice
Hi all I was reading through some of my old posts to try and gauge if I've improved much over the last 18 months
Two things stood out for me , WW and her words / actions have not changed one bit One of my first posts was about WW discribing her feeling s of being lost and losing everything , etc and last week she said exactly the same thing
I point this out because I have seen serious temp checking , almost to the point of WW more or less talking about coming home and while I could have jumped in and embraced the temp checking , I DBed because part of me feels she isn't ready and seeing those old posts only confirms it.
The second thing that was clear to me was how I have gone from an emtional wreck , completely unaccepting of my reality to accepting and dealing with my lot.
I'm luckier than some as WW keeps her life to herself and portrays herself as the one now wrecked and lost. I say portray because believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do I have my kids , pets , home , income and constant regret ( shown but maybe not really felt ) by WW My life has improved in many ways while WWs appears to be a shambles , and while I don't take any pleasure from that , it certainly doesn't hurt either
My reason for posting the above is for any newbies searching for hope. My story may not be a success story just yet but whatever happens in my future , DBing and the kind souls on this forum have got me through it. Yes there's still some sorrow but most of the time I'm good
Anyway , quick update
I have agreed with WW that no more calls , this was 2 weeks ago and true to her word I've only had 6 calls and 4 texts. Two of which were sad in their own way
We also agreed I would be out of the house of Saturday's so she could see kids
WW calls me Friday pm and said it was fine with her if I was in the houseman sat , I told her I had plans so no prob. I'm applying to work in a home for troubled teens every sat pm so I will have proper plans shortly. This week I went to my dads and assembled his new lawnmower
Kids and I have lost a bit of the bonding we had been having so I've been pushing for evenings out. It's tough because the ages range from 11 to 21 and it's hard to find something we can all do. We do go for walks but I wanted something fun so last night we went to a bowling alley ( D11 does not like bowling because she very slight and struggles to put any force behind the ball ) BUT instead of bowling we played Air Hockey / pool , strength tests ( plastic sledge hammer ) and played a game where you put 20cent coins into a machine and it causes ( or doesn't ) more coins to fall off the edge
We all had a great time and ended up staying for two hours During the slot machine game D15 won a five euro note but it got stuck In the machine. We called a member of staff and he couldn't find it so gave us a 5 euro note from the till. Two mins later the original 5 euro note fell out to out to our amazement. I took the note to the same member of staff and explained what had happened and he thanked me for being honest. I didn't tell the kids that if it had been 5 million that I would have ran as fast as my legs would care me !!!!!
Anyway the member of staff duly came back and gave us the 5 euro note back saying he was impressed by our honesty We duly put the money back into the machine over the next ten mins !!!!
We came home , I cooked sausage rolls for their supper and we all fell asleep in front of the tele watching Zoolander 2 It was a fantastic evening that I will treasure because not one of us was anything but happy
One big thing for me RD, my sitch and yours; how much of the problem is simple stubbornness? An unwillingness to admit that a mistake has been made and that to return would cause them to risk embarrassment, which to some people is a real problem. How do we handle that?
Glad you had good fun with the kids!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy , I think the way to to look at it is if we are not worth them feeling embarrassed over their actions then they really don't want us that badly do they ?
I've detached and if or when WW makes a serious move to attempt a new R then I'll decide what too do
Just a nugget from my IC , she doesn't believe WW really feels she's separated from me and this is like she's viewing it as she's trying to get through her thoughts and feelings because she lost her way.
From your sitch it seems that might be the case as WAW is not really getting on with her new life
Thanks Ralph , it was just a good time , nothing spectacular , just a family out having fun
Glad you found something you all could do together. And it made me smile too. You have an 11 year old girl with some trouble handling the heavy bowling ball. Well, I normally get myself in some trouble and very tired trying to keep up with the hooligans.
My two older boys did football in high school and they work out at the nearby gym. S16 is still doing football and keeps his workout. They are tall, strong and seems like they never get tired.
I was at a mountain resort some time ago with the boys and we were playing tackle football in a pool. There was a gentleman that approached us and said that he was really impressed and amazed to see my willingness to play that rough game with the boys and he was impressed with such happiness. We talked for a little while and it just happen that he was a LBS but had no kids.
When I read about your wife I also think that it is so hard to understand these people that leave their families and then find themselves so lost. It is really sad and it is difficult to get our minds around it since they do not think the same way we do.
We see that things can be worked out even if it is difficult. We see that if they just shake off the dust and take a decision to find their direction, that everything would be slowly falling into place. But I guess, there are some different chemicals in their brains that do not allow them to see the same way and create just depression.
As with many other things in life, maybe time will tell if your WW will get better or be in a constant hell.
RD, did you ever hear about this OM? Like if he has family near by, or was married before? I know some people with bipolar disorder that are totally alone and the family basically gave up on them because they are very hard to deal with. Some don't really take their medications all the time and they do not function well among other people.
Did your W ever said what is her goal helping this man?
Anyway, I can only see that she got herself into hell and it is hard to get out of there. Some people with this kind of sickness are only trouble and their lives are really messed up all the time.
I see you are feeling better and I can almost picture how it goes since it has been the same for me. Slowly we built a life for ourselves and the kids and we find happiness in it.
It's not the same anymore, but sometimes it is even better as it was before. So, I get mixed up about my feelings regarding the M. I guess you find yourself in the same spot as well.
The only thing that stays unresolved is that emptiness and loneliness feeling that crashes the heart sometimes. I wonder if you feel that way too. We are happy and busy being parents, workers, helpers, etc... but the man feels the absence of love, friendship, caring. How does the man feels these days ?
Well, just my melancholic side talking here. I still admire you a lot RD. This family man side of yours is really attractive, shame we are so far away.
