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Originally Posted By: tl2

accepting the reality that the old marriage is over


This, i think this will need to be my new mantra now when i think of my R or W.

I was looking for a way to mentally drop the rope, its hard and contradictory because long run we are also trying to save the M or to put it correctly rebuild our relationship into a new M.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 177
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Originally Posted By: Natus
Hi Cutebot, i guess its really just a want that i've had for awhile. In all likely hood if i went ahead with it it would not sit well with W. With the way thing have been going i guess i was thinking along the lines of if she doesnt want to be my W then she doesnt get a say. Kinda just my way of saying F*** it.

I just wanted to get some thoughts from you guys because i can be quite impulsive. I suppose i can save it for when its really over.







Hi Natus,

I am glad that you were able to be honest with yourself. If you are doing something to get a reaction from your W, it isn't something you need to do. Believe me that is a hard thing to put into action, but it is the right thing.

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Originally Posted By: tl2
Nat,

Think of two people tied to each other with 6 feet of actual cord or rope. Where one goes, the other has to follow or struggle. If the rope is cut, each person is free to go where he or she pleases.

The dynamic in these situations is similar, just in an emotional/mental sense.

Detaching means releasing your attachment to your spouse (aka, dropping the rope) and making decisions based on what's best for you in living YOUR life. If you're attached, then whatever she does that you don't like, or doesn't do that you want her to do with you/for, will bring you down and you'll obsess, mope, dwell on your sadness and fear and negative emotions.

So detachment means being pro-active for yourself and accepting the reality that the old marriage is over, and that the more you pursue or pressure the WAS, the more you obsess over what she says and does, and the more you "treasure hunt" by reading into or interpreting what she says and does in a way to feed your expectations that she will re-commit to the marriage, the more miserable, unproductive, and weak you get as an individual.

The best way through this is become more strong and independent because that will benefit you regardless of the outcome with your spouse.

So detachment means honoring her request to move on, accepting the consequences of that decision and how it affects you as an individual, and making your own GAL plans for your social and recreational activities and doing them on your own. It means focusing on growing and getting stronger as an individual.

It doesn't mean not being polite or pleasant in necessary interactions. But it does mean limiting those interactions to only those that are necessary, and only engaging with her further if she requests it, and doing so in a way that you manage your expectations.


tl2,

This is beautiful. Words of wisdom.

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its been a quiet week i guess but here seems like a good place to journal.

Shes texts me when she gets to work, sending me pics to show other staff are around. Does the same when she has to stay a little longer, shes trying to be transparent and has said that she is sorry for breaking my trust.

It reminded me last week when we had an R talk she said she swayed but shes only human. I assume she is looking for forgiveness.

She surprised me yesterday by hitting the job market hard, it is of course what i wanted but i dont know if shes doing it because shes remorseful or because thats what i want. Does it matter why? i suppose not really.

Im still struggling to drop the rope. I do well until its time for bed, in the middle of the night my feet seem have a mind of their own trying to seek hers under the covers. She doesnt pull away immediately like previously though.

But i still do husband stuff, is this a no no? i make breakfast, dinner etc she tends to wash the dishes though so its not like its one sided. This morning was a bit of a rush so i made coffee to go for both of us.

Yesterday i fixed our MBR toilet sink finally.

on a final if not silly note: do any of you guys do silly things like pump out a few push ups before getting out of the shower or whatever to look good in front of WAS?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 436
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Reading other peoples threads i realize how lucky i am. My WW doesnt come home late, she never goes out and even if she does shes home early. Heck even when she use to go with OM (before i knew or even they knew they would A) to have drinks with work mates she was home before 9pm.

I dont know how others cope with it.

I realize i havnt dropped the rope yet. Im still trying, i just dont know how i can make that mental leap, moving forward without moving on.

What i do know is i dont want to feel this way, hurt and disapointed she wont reach for me to hold my hands or even give me a peck on the cheek. I just realised aswell i dont remember a time in the last 6 months she has complimented me.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
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You're lucky that you're getting a strong "no" from her, for what its worth (nothing). I think that my WW being out late helps me to detach more, regardless of the hurt. It's like we separate for those many hours.

Mine is in and out of our M everyday - Monday she was going to try, Tues out, wed try, thurs out, fri we're married forever. She shows so much attraction to me its not funny, I have to fight her off. She's always seeked attention and been needy though, and with OM not in city i'm the only one she's got - for now.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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yea i dont know if that makes me feel better DDJ although i wouldnt want to swap for your shoes. I dont think i can handle the yo-yoing.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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