Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Painter]

The BAN meetup sounds interesting! And I agree about the lack of physical contact - although H was so uninterested and actually resistant to physical contact outside sex that I have already been starving for it for years. In some ways, it's easier not having him around. And my dog loves to sleep in my arms.

Can you ask your mom for a hug? Or just take the initiative to one? She may not enjoy being non-affectionate physically... it could just be a habit.

I went to a DivorceCare group tonight - not sure if I feel better or worse. I guess dredging up some of this by telling the group about it brought a little of the bad feelings back. But I didn't cry, so that was good.

They all loved hearing about the laws of the Southern state I am married in and wished they lived there. I must admit I don't understand the no-fault laws. They should be an option, but not the only one.

[Phoebe]

SadHub, we must have been typing at the same time! Thank you for checking up on me and I am so happy to hear that you had a good day. Your comment about your W possibly being returned after some probing gave me a good laugh. Maybe all of our spouses are up on the same ship???

I am so hopeful for you after what you wrote today!!

I think I'd like that same switch to be thrown for me, but with almost zero contact in weeks, I'm still hanging in the land of limbo. I am definitely working on moving forward, but I'm just lacking that measure of certainty that your WAW's behavior has inspired in you. Not that I'd like a similar scene, mind you. I'm still wincing on your behalf. Her choo-choo has surely jumped the tracks!

I really am very lucky to live in such a beautiful place and not a day goes by that I don't stop for at least a few moments to appreciate that fact. Even if you live in a city, though, there are ways to tap into the beauty of the natural world. It takes a bit more effort, but it's totally doable. When I go to cities, one of my favorite things to do is to visit the local botanical gardens. LA has an incredible Japanese Garden that is associated with a water treatment plant, of all things. I've visited gardens in Denver, El Paso, Seattle, Portland OR, Raleigh, Denver, Washington, DC, Boston, various cities in Europe, and lots of others, pretty much wherever I go. I also seek out parks, as almost every city has a number of lovely green spaces to enjoy. There's nothing like eating out of doors, too, so even a little picnic on a park bench can be a wonderful way to reconnect to the Earth. Time to get back to Neature, SadHub!

While I was out walking and admiring birds today I was daydreaming about a name for a local birding group for novices, if I were to ever start one - I'd call it "The Early Birders."

Wishing us all a peaceful sleep and a day with laughs and smiles tomorrow!

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter!! I have to agree with you on the flaws of a no fault system. It seems like there definitely are cases where asset distribution and/or spousal support ought to reflect the actions of an injurious spouse.

I can totally empathize about the difficulty of telling your story. Telling mine to strangers is one of the hardest things for me to do. Partly it's because I feel some degree of shame or embarrassment, even though I know I shouldn't, and partly it's because each telling brings up all those same emotions that I felt at the time the events occurred, and that is painful.

Good for you for not crying when you told your story. I was worried I would lose it for a bit at my meeting, but somehow I kept it together. In the other hand, if either one of us had started to cry, I'm sure everyone there would have completely understood. They've all been there, too.

[Cherry]

I agree if either one of you had cried, it would be all too understandable, but well done to the both of you for not doing so.

I'm with you on the embarrassment, we really shouldn't feel embarrassed. But I do, and the negative person inside of me makes me feel as if I have done something wrong for my h to stray. Or that the ow is something way better than me. And we all know that they aren't a better offer, and this is no fault of our own- it's all them.

Glad the meet up went well, glad to hear you are out there keeping yourself busy. The contact thing is hard, I've never considered myself an affectionate person- except where my h and baby are concerned. But I do find baby's little arms and "I love you"s are very comforting. Reminds me of who I need to focus on

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe!

How has your day been. Mine started of a little rough, but as the day went on I am in a good place again. I am going to master the sleep and early morning thing and then I will be in a good place.

Also I know as I accomplish some of the goals I have I will feel like proses is being made and then I won't have enough room in my head to get caught in the mind loop.
Good news is my L said he was supposed to receive the D paperwork as it was filed several days ago. Bad news is WAW is dragging her feet on the finance agreement stuff.

But anyway, I wanted to pop in and say Hi, and it is good to see the meeting went well for you last night.

[Phoebe]

Well, the day was mostly OK until a little while ago. I looked at H's damn photo feed again and there was a quick video where I can hear a woman laughing next to the camera. It must be his AP, and her voice sounds like mine. It made me angry. I shouldn't have looked.

When he texted me last week saying he wanted to meet the next day, he went out of his way to say he was at his place, 'by himself." Apparently only for those few minutes. She's out there liking all the stuff he's posting, so she's very much still in the picture. So much for "dead end R," and 'she's moving away soon,' and all the rest of his BS about her.

Why am I standing for this M when he doesn't care in the least? What a schmuck.

Other than that, I'm just working on my grief homework and reading. My enthusiasm for my whole day just tanked.

[Painter]

Ouch, ouch, ouch... Yes, that would hurt. And make you angry.

You're standing for the M in the same way you're making payments on your car instead of just stealing one. You are the person you'll ultimately live with, either with or without H or someone else. And you need to know that you didn't act on your upset feelings, but was thoughtful and high-principled.

I'm reading a lot of English novels from the 1850's these days. They are soothing and supportive because they are all about the rules of human interactions, morals, manners and etiquette. There are long paragraphs about the characters' thoughts and reasoning, showing how some behave badly and hurt others due to egotism or stupidity, while others show restraint and act on principles. And they are long-winded enough to put me to sleep.

[Phoebe]

And now here I am again, having a total breakdown again, sobbing and hyperventilating over this very same man. And this is WITH the stupid Xanax on board. Where did this come from again?

All I did was glance ahead at my grief recovery book and see that I'll have to plot a relationship graph, starting with our first meeting and then all the significant events thereafter. Just considering it made what little anger I was just feeling turn to despair. It's just knocked me over. I wish I could warn that 19 year old girl to run away from that boy. I'm not sure that all the good times in those 25 years can counterbalance the pain of the last 4.5 months.

Maybe I should be grateful I'm only (only?) having these breakdowns a couple times per week now? Meanwhile H is out having a lovely time with someone else, encumbered by nothing more than a bit of guilt now and then. Maybe not even that.

i can barely breathe right now. no more Xanax in the house. gotta go find a way to calm down.

[Painter]

Oh, no... Can you take a hot shower? It really, really helped me through the first several months. Something about the water and sensation of warm touch.

[Phoebe]

I'm calmer now. Not sleeping yet, despite Benadryl and Xanax, but calmer. Exhausted.

Hi painter. Thanks for checking on me.