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OFP #2673966 05/03/16 12:36 PM
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My WW can't make any decisions by herself. A month or so ago she told me she was considering a reconciliation between us but had to talk to her mom first. So I was the person she asked for advice in the past, now it has to be the OM, because I'm the enemy and I don't give her advice anymore normally.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Ralph88 #2673986 05/03/16 01:09 PM
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Ralph88,

Yep!!! I know exactly what you mean. It always blows my mind when my wife tells me the OM agrees with her. Wow, that's truly shocking that the OM would agree with her.

I guess what hurts the most is that she would think I'm stupid enough to care about what the OM thinks.

doodler #2674092 05/03/16 07:33 PM
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Interesting day.. S11 is having some issues with self esteem, so I was talking to him about it today. I told him after every example, that I was not talking about W. And he would ask "you mean like mom?" And I would say no, and would give a different real person as an example.

He was saying that his classmates all blame him for things that he doesn't do. So I was asking him if he was totally sure they were blaming him. He said yes, they say his name. I told him sometimes people think they are being blamed when they really aren't. He brings up W again, saying that she says that I am blaming her for everything. I told him I haven't talked to her for 6 months, how can I be blaming her?

I actually wrote W a letter and took all the blame, so there is absolutely no sense to W's claim, quite the opposite.

S11 said he told W I'm not blaming her for anything. S11 said W then goes out to her vehicle and sits there... And cries I assume?

Sad that S11 has to point this out to a so-called adult, because he knows what reality is, better than W does! Her reality has always been twisted, I guess this should come as no surprise.

OFP #2674098 05/03/16 07:50 PM
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Forgot to mention another frustration... W apparently plans to do ALL activities with the kids that we used to all do together. A couple are quite mechanical in nature (saying what it is would give it away right away, as we are all over the web and W has even been mentioned in national magazines).

In other news, it was a decent day. A LONG ways to go to be as happy as I was prior BD, but I'll take anything I can get for improvement.

All gains made in how I feel are due to giving up on W or any chance at R. No where near zero on my hopes, but focusing on her faults makes dettaching much easier.

I still don't know how she thinks we are going to coparent successfully?! I think we will for the most part just NOT cooperate, just do our own thing like any other couple that went through a bitter D. It is sad, the kids will suffer, in many ways. But I will be the best and happiest dad I can be. And teach them all about healthy emotions and how to deal with things to keep them from being any more like W than necessary. They already have some of the abilities, but I can also already see W's issues surfacing in them (self blame, blaming others, victim mentality, etc.). I just hope they don't turn out like her!

I have been trying to get into some place to try a massage... Haven't tried that yet, ever, hoping it would help with stress. Not much luck so far for getting in this week.

OFP #2674123 05/03/16 09:38 PM
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Hang in there OTP you ate being a great dad so keep it up. How is GAL going?


Me37 W33
T:8 M:5
D3
BD 11/2015
EA+PA w boss 12/2015
S 3/2016

Im stronger because I had to be
Im smarter because of my mistakes
happier because of the sadness Ive known
and now wiser because I learned
1gr8dad #2674212 05/04/16 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
Hang in there OTP you ate being a great dad so keep it up. How is GAL going?

GAL isn't going well at all. I am hoping it will get better once I have my house back and projects to work on. But not sure how I'll ever meet women if I never leave the house!

I was thinking this morning again, was I happy with the M? I came up with NO. She was a good cook, the very rare occasion she tried, but it was pizza 6 meals a week minimum, or some other overly simple foods. We were drowning in carbs, we were all overweight, especially her at 5'-3" and 230 lbs. She had an overall very unhealthy lifestyle, and almost no physical activity, on top of an extensive list of ailments. It was getting to the point that she could no longer physically do things we used to do together. I had my projects for physical activity was my only savior. She didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't keep up on laundry, didn't have any interest in improving our life. When with the kids she would sit and play on her phone while the kids did their own thing, she rarely interacted with them, and sounds like that is still the case. I was definitely resenting her for all of this, I know I was voicing it too.

I always wondered if we would get a D. But I imagined that if we did, we were such good friends that maybe we'd stay friends, maybe we'd continue doing thing together with the kids even, but I just wouldn't have to deal with her every day. Amicable, fair, etc.

Why did I "try" to get her back in the first place? I don't know. I think a big part of the reason I didn't leave her, was I was worried about hurting her, and how she would survive without me. Not exactly a healthy reason! Maybe I was hoping that after a break she would become something better? Someday? I wonder if it is because I panicked about her filing the OFP, I just wanted it gone. If we got back together it would go away. The rumors going around would be proved wrong. It was such a childish thing for her to do. I am sure she'll give the typical line of "I may not have thought it through." We could have ended amicably, as friends, but instead she filed an OFP, ruining the ability to ever be friends again, to co-parent successfully, etc. And for what? Because of her own insecurities? She destroyed lives, refused to share assets during this all, didn't communicate, etc. And was surprised when I sent her D papers? Then tells S11 I am blaming her.... No kidding I am blaming her! She had no grounds for the OFP, except her lies, and even with the lies it doesn't seem like enough to get one, except that the local county gives them out as a "benefit of the doubt" approach.

OFP #2674717 05/05/16 05:08 PM
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Interesting day in mead-E-ation (spelled wrong intentionally).

Some extremes, some reasonable actions. Cust-ody went OK, not great but OK. Got a few more days with the kids, but a stip-ulation added that we revisit it in mead-E-ation again in 6 months. W apparently thinks I have to prove to her that I am a good dad and then she will "allow" more time with the kids. In the mean time she is a "perfect" parent in her eyes. Whatever, still something wrong upstairs for her.

Asked for the OFP to be dropped, got a "no." Asked to get some stuff from the house that I will get anyway in the "D", with a specified neutral third party along, got a "no" from her, but her atty said yes, that I have a right to my stuff. Wow, what is her problem? I can have the stuff, just not yet? Why does she get to control that? I don't deserve it? She's afraid I will find fun things to do with my kids with the stuff, and we can't have that?! Or just plain need to punish me?

Keep in mind her fear is still in control of her, she can't be in the same room, so this process took twice as long as needed.

She said she needed to leave at 2:30 to pick the kids up from school. I had to bring it up to the mediator that W's mom was right there with her, my mom was there, someone else can pick up the kids. Mediator comes back, yeah W's mom will go get the kids. I commented to the mediator, "see I am STILL being controlling." I think it is sad that I am STILL the one that needs to bring logic to her life.

I came out of the conference room and saw W in the hall. I went back into the room and waited too she went by. I could tell she was crying. Keep in mind I rarely ever saw her cry. I felt bad. But then wondered, what is she crying about? She chose this path.

So, I started speculating... She wanted "time to find herself", she didn't want a D, and was upset when I started the process. I wonder if she honestly thought I needed to put everything in my life on hold for this process and rot at my parents house while she went out on her self-discover mission? That I shouldn't have been upset about the OFP because I really was a monster? Or she knew that was the only way to get her "space"? She didn't want me spending too much time with the kids because she was afraid of what I would say/do to them. S11 the othe day said W thinks I am following her. Wow, the paranoia runs deep in this one.

Will she ever get better? Maybe some day she'll feel safe around me if I prove myself to her that I am safe? And then she will approach me carefully and say it was all my fault that she didn't trust me? But I wasn't the problem!

Ironic, after the D papers were all filled out and ready to sign, I was reviewing them, and I cried. I reverted back to wishing she would stop what she is doing and realize her mistake. Even after all her childish behavior, even after the paranoia. Why do I keep reverting? I think I still feel bad for her and want to help! I need to detach and let her starting paying the consequences for her own mistakes.

OFP #2674760 05/05/16 10:38 PM
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Hang in there OFP. You will be fine. My heart breaks for you now. But somehow I knowhow deep.you are from your posts which I keep.up.on and I know you will become better person from this all. Both you and I need to write off our WWs. I know it's so hard to see that they are actually beyond repair right now because of the love we had for them and our ideal of a happy marriage and family unit. Time to think differently. Maybe we dodged a bullet?


Me37 W33
T:8 M:5
D3
BD 11/2015
EA+PA w boss 12/2015
S 3/2016

Im stronger because I had to be
Im smarter because of my mistakes
happier because of the sadness Ive known
and now wiser because I learned
1gr8dad #2674952 05/06/16 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
Hang in there OFP. You will be fine. My heart breaks for you now. But somehow I know how deep you are from your posts which I keep up on and I know you will become better person from this all. Both you and I need to write off our WWs.

Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it, and need to apologize for not offering the same for you. This is one of those positions that I don't know the words to be supportive of another. Not a lack of empathy, but a lack of ability to communicate it. As I read through the stories on this forum, I hurt inside that there are so many good people that have been 5hit on by their spouses.

I do appreciate that someone is reading what I wrote, and commenting on it. Thank you again. Feels at times I am just talking to myself.... and then I realize I'm not helping others by posting in their threads either.... I need to work on that! It is definitely within my abilities, I've done it on other forums quite extensively. Maybe it's because I feel I have no knowledge of my own situation, how can I possibly help others?

Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
I know it's so hard to see that they are actually beyond repair right now because of the love we had for them and our ideal of a happy marriage and family unit. Time to think differently. Maybe we dodged a bullet?

It still blows my mind how backward her thinking is. That I am a monster, both to her and the kids. That she is perfect.

But looking back on how I have dealt with things, I am proud of myself. Yep, the anger came out occasionally, but most of the time I was calm, collected, and put every effort into understanding. W was always just beyond understanding, beyond reasoning, twisting things every step of the way, and depression controlled her every thought.

Since BD, many many times every day I remind myself, "I didn't break her, I can't fix her." Doesn't seem to be sinking it yet, sure isn't bringing comfort or putting my life back to how I had built it, but I continue to say/think it anyway.

Talking with friends and coworkers, when the conversation is complete, I realize how well the conversation went, how understanding I was, and I did offer compassion to those in need of it. FF's are perfect examples, they feel perfectly safe sharing with me, in fact the person of choice in their life for sharing. How does that happen that FF's feel this way, W never did? A male friend, I managed to get him to open up about his ex-W, she left for OM, recently came back, and they are piecing. Once I got him to open up, it's part of every conversation now, and he is bringing it up on his own.

Not sure if I posted this yet, one of the things I have always been proud of, is the amount of respect I get from others. Everyone I work with knows who I am, I don't know 1/2 of them. Everyone I ask for assistance, will drop everything and help. I've stood next to people often who say, "yep, I know him, he is one of the super smart people I know from work." I've never told anyone what to do. That kind of respect is not forced. A guy I work with saw I was hurting a few months ago, someone I barely knew, and told me a list of things I should be proud of. He pointed at the $150M facility that I work at and said "you built that!" He's right, I should be proud, but what good does it do to have such accomplishments at work and feel like such a failure at home?

I'm not saying this stuff to brag. Quite the opposite in fact. I say it to help restore my self esteem, which absolutely hit rock bottom after BD. For the first time in my life I contemplated if there was a reason to go on. Concern about my kids losing their father kept me from any serious thoughts in that direction. Past that point now, luckily. I allowed someone else's actions to completely destroy me!

I still wonder... will she come back? I am guessing that I would have to "earn" something from her to get another chance. But this is the fundamental flaw in her head. I don't need to earn anything. If she someday feels the need to fess up to her selfish actions and her lies, to try to earn my trust again, I'll likely allow her to try, but as long as she is a self-proclaimed victim, or blaming me, I refuse to put any effort into it.

Thinking about me, GAL, etc... Another 2 1/2 months until I see my house again. Wasn't good news, but there is an end in site, a goal to look forward to. I'll also get a few things from the house in the next 2 weeks, which will help immensely with GAL.

Hang in there 1gr8dad. I wish you the best. Same for anyone else reading this, I hope my perspective has helped you.

OFP #2674987 05/06/16 02:04 PM
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OFP,

Quote:
It still blows my mind how backward her thinking is. That I am a monster, both to her and the kids. That she is perfect.


I know exactly what you mean. I went through the same thing. And I still can't fathom the twisted logic and reasoning. It's like the twilight Zone on steroids.

I'd talked to a nurse that worked with Alzheimer patients. She said that when she was changing the adult diapers on one of her patients, the patient looked down and said, "Who pooped in my pants?" I think wayward wives are like that Alzheimer patient; surely it was my husband that $hit all over me, there's no way I could've done that.

Sorry, it's Friday afternoon and the anecdotes runneth over...

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