Just my humble opinion here...but...I think you're too good for this woman. If you want her then I want you to have her but personally I think you're better off without her. The more you tell us, the less I like her. She treats you badly and that pisses me off.
No, TxHubby, I'm not too good for her. We are all just human with good points and bad points. We are both working on things. She's feeling lost still, but happier now that ow is out of her life. And that I'm back in. She needs friends, because she feels she has alienated everyone by her bad behavior. I'm not happy that she's not inviting me to go to the party with her, but she gets to make those decisions for herself, right? We aren't back together yet, we're still taking things slowly.
Update, we are now in touch every day, either by a phone call or texts or both. We don't see each other every day, even when she is in town. (And she has been away 4/5 workdays for the past two weeks.) We've spent maybe 12 hours together since January. And every one of those hours has been good. Sometimes difficult because we have a lot of talking to do, and sometimes wonderful as it feels so natural to be with her.
I'm still living my life, but am less concerned about being busy every evening. That gives me more time to just veg out or read or spend time with my dogs, or think and ponder or be in touch with my DB friends.
Patience is still key. I don't respond to every text immediately. Yesterday I was feeling a bit insecure because my morning text went unanswered until almost 7 p.m. I did not respond. I was on the phone with a friend when the first of 3 calls and one VM came in. Then my phone died, so it took a while to get back to W. It felt good to know that holding back had an impact. I don't want to be the only one who worries. I always remember, I think it was Annab saying, I'm the prize, and she has to work at winning me back! Of course I want nothing more than for us to be back together, but I do want to be a valuable catch.
So I'm still working on it.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
You go girl...you ARE the prize! And you are SO worthy of being wooed and romanced and treated with respect. Not like an option. So glad W is coming around and you're making progress. Keep up the great work!
This is multiple times for her. You're giving her a second second chance. I'd hate for you to get hurt again. You're a better person than I am to tolerate some of these things. I couldn't do it. I'd have to move on and heal. Like I said, I think you're too good for her but I also want you to be happy so if you want her then I hope you and she stay together. You do need to define your boundaries and don't put up with them being violated.
Not sure what you mean TXHubby. We are discussing reconciling and working toward that for the first time. We aren't there yet. We are talking every day I guess and texting, and sending some hearts back and forth, so all good signs.
I think this is the time for us to be gentle and considerate with each other.
Therapy, coaching, etc. does get pricey. What I've mostly done is read a lot of people's experiences (and I mean A LOT) and deeply considered what worked for them, what didn't work for them, what was working for me, what wasn't working for me. I found that very helpful. I think we all have to tweak the scripts for dealing with these types of things to fit our own situation. My wife was a cheater but she didn't do all the things that cheaters are supposed to do. She was an individual and followed her own cheating path so we had to follow our own path to healing. You do too. You're both smart. You'll figure it out.
I may be remembering wrong but I thought you said that she had done something like this to you years ago as well. If this is the first time then all is well. Everyone deserves a second chance. No one deserves a third.
There is no time limit or expiration date on healing a relationship unless you, or her, imposes one. Nothing wrong with proceeding slow and cautiously. No hurry. Good luck.
I am encouraged in reading about the slow reconnection with W. Slow and steady is the name of the game. We've seen far too many LBS being too quick in taking back the WAS and not making the WAS do the hard, difficult work of looking at themselves in straying from the M.
Please keep this in the back pocket: When you and W are ready for MC down the road, you might want to begin looking into Gottman based MC therapist in your area so you can call and do your own interviews so all of this will be ready for you two at the right time.
In my mind, I think it would be extremely helpful AND beneficial for you to go back and read all of RealityTrip's threads for I do see striking similarities between your situations. RT was a real DB Champ!!! And as far as I know from being around here, RT's story is apparently the only gay marriage that was successfully DB'd.
Wonka, thanks for stopping by, as Kate Clinton would say... I can't find RealityTrip's thread. My search function isn't working. Anyone have the link? I did read it once before, and I know she's a pro - as is Thornton!
TXHubby, no she never did this to me before but she did to someone else.
She really seems to be on the path to coming back to me. But she's still making plans with friends and not inviting me. I don't think I should push her on this, but it's for the next three weekends and I don't like it. To be fair, we do have plans to attend a party together with some friends on Sunday (not the friends she trashed me to), and she did say she'd look for me tomorrow just to say hi at a big event we'll both be attending. But my support network has sort of dried up for this weekend, I'm afraid being alone will make my mind do crazy things (worry and make stuff up), and I guess I could use some concrete advice on how best to navigate this specific situation.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Is this a social event, like a party? If so, don't sulk alone. Be a social butterfly and commit to meeting three new people you don't know and learning something interesting about each one.
I think it's important to maintain your own GAL activities at this point. It sounds like you are already having expectations that she will meet your GAL needs and it is early days in terms of that.
Maybe reach out to some of your 'rebuilding' chums and see who wants to get together this weekend? I think it is important to stay on track with the GAL regardless of the ultimate outcome.
Hope you manage to have a nice weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
And as far as I know from being around here, RT's story is apparently the only gay marriage that was successfully DB'd.