I just wanted to say to all of you, who are still fighting for the spouse they love after the second affair, I seriously applaud your efforts. I have been reading quite a few posts lately that that seems to be the case. I can't believe how many people are still DBing for their spouses and hope to reconcile. I'm suspicious that my wife is or was having an EA at minimum and quite possibly a PA. I have no facts or proof yet so I'm trying to hang on as best as I can until I do. But if I think what is true, then I will be moving out and filing for D immediately. I have been battling with my demons and trust issues for 3 years since the first time. There is no way I would ever be able to trust her again. And if I cant trust her then there is no relationship. I give y'all some serious credit and fortitude because I couldn't do it again
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Obviously it is your choice to immediately file. I don't know what is going to happen I'm my R, and yes this is at least the second EA/PA. I will tell you (and this is not an excuse for my W), I firmly believe she has some serious issues. Our R will probably never work unless she gets some serious help. Will she? I don't know. Probably not, but I can't control that or her. This is why I hold on to my personal option to consider a chance at reconciliation. I'm not doing anything else in my life romantically, so why not allow that possibility. Either way I'm going to take 6 months to a year to work on my romantic issues and relationship issues, my D won't be done for at least 6 months is I allow it to go quickly, 12 months if I slow roll it. I have nothing but time and healing ahead.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
That makes sense. In the State where we were the first time you had to be separated for a minimum of 12 months before you could be divorced if you had children. 6 months if not. Where we are now you can be divorced in as little as a week if both sides agree. I guess for me is I don't think I could ever trust her again no matter what I just don't know how I would heal
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
My advice for you then, is even if you know you are going to divorce her, give yourself 3 or 6 months before you file, get all your emotions, insecurities, issues, ect in check in that relationship before you go out into that big world looking for your future. It's time, you need it, take it for yourself.... Don't rush anything, you have time. A week divorce is silly.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Cbtdad, and/or anyone else who has rebuilt with WW spouse...
This topic intrigues me, because I am dealing with a WW spouse, and although I honestly believe that I can forgive her, I don't know how I could ever trust her. In my case she joined volunteer firefighters and had an A with a firefighter who works at the station she is assigned to... When that pager goes off, they report to the station and could be gone anywhere from 30 mins to 6 or more hours... Every time she got a call, I would wonder why she's not back, did she go to the scene, or is she with him after they cleared the station...
Hmm, although I want her to quit I never really thought about that part... It's like an F'n dinner bell... Hmm, I have been on overload today, never really thought it all the way through, not sure I could deal with that...
Hmm, well no big decisions yet, but I seriously gotta think this through.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks Ralph I appreciate it. I will take your advice if it comes to that. Its so weird. We are getting along so great, communicating better than we have in months. Shes even doing more around the house since im doing more to help. She never cooks, Cooked a few times in the last couple weeks. Even offered to a cinco de mayo celebration at house with neighbors. But the issues are still there. Hers is she doesn't think the changes will last and mine obviously the trust issues So I guess we will see where it goes from here
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Cbtdad, and/or anyone else who has rebuilt with WW spouse...
This topic intrigues me, because I am dealing with a WW spouse, and although I honestly believe that I can forgive her, I don't know how I could ever trust her. In my case she joined volunteer firefighters and had an A with a firefighter who works at the station she is assigned to... When that pager goes off, they report to the station and could be gone anywhere from 30 mins to 6 or more hours... Every time she got a call, I would wonder why she's not back, did she go to the scene, or is she with him after they cleared the station...
Hmm, although I want her to quit I never really thought about that part... It's like an F'n dinner bell... Hmm, I have been on overload today, never really thought it all the way through, not sure I could deal with that...
Hmm, well no big decisions yet, but I seriously gotta think this through.
Coconut, This was the hardest part for me and obviously still an issue for me. I was able to forgive by realizing I had a part in the affair as well. the firs time around I was so lost and left her so open to an affair it wasn't even funny. I realized I basically pushed her into the arms of another man. The A stopped at the end of May in 2013 and we started reconciling in a few days later. In retrospect that was way too soon. I allowed the feelings I had for her and my 3 year old to pull me back in quickly. So much so that I didn't even flinch a month later when we decided to move. the first couple of years she was an open book and transparent as it got. In June of 2015 she started in the EMT world. Paramedics,Firefighters, all of them are known to have rates of infidelity because of the stress of their jobs and spending so much time together. When that happen I really started having that anxiety again. Checking her phone, checking phone bill, facebook, all the snooping you could think of. Well here we are now and as you know I suspect something is going on I could forgive again, but I would never trust her again. that's the problem. I think to me is I got burnt once so hurt, that there is no way I could do it again. I'm assuming if im correct its someone in the paramedic or firefighting realm. In that regard you are totally correct. Last night she worked 6pm-6am and told me she was working with her friend Stacy. I want to believe her but Im not so sure since she had a phone call with Stacy I saw on phone bill at around 9:40 for 6 minutes. Wife said Stacy called her while she was in hospital waiting on transport While I want to believe her. Its hard. The reason I want to believe her is she could of just picked anyones name that she was working with. So no reason to say Stacy if she wasnt, especially since I know Stacy But that is huge problem for me because working overnight shifts with guys all night, etc So already having the trust issues I do, there is no way for me it could work Im in the same boat with you. Just gonna take my time and not do anything rash even if I find out for sure
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
