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lfm #2675112 05/07/16 01:06 AM
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lfm, it's not a small win when your W tells you that shes going to see OM and possibly have physical R. Hope is blinding you to what is really happening.

try and get some sleep.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
lfm #2675127 05/07/16 04:25 AM
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Originally Posted By: lfm
When she wasn't home at midnight I tracked her phone and she was at the OM's house.


Yeah - I've thought about doing that as well. One thing that is strongly suggested and that I've been doing pretty good at is not snooping. And this is snooping big time. To be honest - and perhaps it's delusional - but I actually don't WANT to know right now what my WW is up to even though part of me burns to know. I got some excellent advice from a dear friend who has been through a divorce where he said to not think about the OM and what they are doing because it will drive you nuts and you'll start obsessing on that. It's hard not to but I'm working at it.

The advice here - for which I'm eternally grateful (I need to just buy everything that MWD has ever published to say "thanks") is to focus on yourself and becoming the best lfm you can be. Right now you are walking your path alone and she needs to walk her's.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
lfm #2675139 05/07/16 05:08 AM
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[quote=lfm]When she wasn't home at midnight I tracked her phone and she was at the OM's house. As far as I know she had never been there before.
/quote]

Why torture yourself by doing stuff like this??

lfm #2675221 05/07/16 11:21 AM
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Hi LFM, I hope you will post often and keep us in the loop of what's happening.

Quote:
I confronted my wife briefly that morning and we talked pretty extensively for the next couple of nights. I'm doing my best to try and dettach, but admit it's been difficult.


Was anything solved from those extensive talks?

Quote:
WW has indicated that she knows she needs to end things with the OM, but continues to let him in a few days after having those moments of clarity.


Here's the thing to remember, she has broken the trust in the MR. So now, you cannot believe what she "says". Instead, you look at her actions. Her attitude and behavior tells the true story.

Quote:
For example, she went out with him this past Saturday, and let me know ahead of time what she was doing.


shocked. Rather brazen of her, wouldn't you say? What was your reaction when she announce she was going on a date with her OM?

Quote:
the next day she indicated that it wasn't as fun and exciting as she was hoping for and that she needed to end the relationship with the OM.


Oooooo, I could think of all kinds of come-backs to that little missy.

Quote:
She did pull away from him for the next 3 days, and really cut back on the texting and phone calls with him, and was not as shut off from me. I


Again, what was your response? Not what you thought, but what did she see from you?

Quote:
thought maybe a sign of progress. Unfortunately yesterday he convinced her to give him money to help pay a bill he had do and that seems to have opened the door with him again, and she's returned to the way things have been.


Do you know why it opened the door again? (Not that it was ever closed).

How much have you read about affairs? Have you read how it affects the affair partners brain chemicals, and how addictive affairs are?

Quote:
I know from what I've read here that I should not believe anything I hear and only 50% of what I see, and that I should have been prepared for this regression, but it's hitting me harder than I was prepared for.


Maybe b/c a betrayed H doesn't fully believes what he is reading, or thinks his case is different. I'm sorry to tell you that your story is not an exception. The pain is more intense b/c this happening to you. Sad to say, this story is seen many times. We are here to offer support and share with you what works and doesn't work when you have a wayward spouse.

Quote:
I'm doing my best to GAL, going to work out in the evenings, going to church, getting together with friends after work, etc
.

That is great! Some days, you may have to kick yourself in the behind to get out and do something........but is so worth it.

You have to intentionally seek ways to keep your mental attitude healthy. Don't watch sad love stories. Watch anything but sad movies. Listen to inspiring music, not that somebody's cheating stuff. You will have plenty of reading material, for a while anyway, just around here.

This will probably get worse before it gets better. I don't know how to tell you to not be caught unprepared, except if you will read my threads about help for the LBH who has a WW, it may cause you to be much more aware. I hope you will.




I think I've had issues with dettaching as I've realized I'm holding on to tight to the hope that we might be able to rebuild the R.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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What a weekend...

My wife went out with a couple of former co-workers on Friday night, then turns out after that she went to meet the OM at his house. We had a long talk on Saturday, after she told me why she came home so late, and at that point agreed to at least try marriage counseling, which I thought was maybe a bit of progress.

Then last night after hanging out with the kids she told me she was feeling a little closterphobic in the apartment we are temporarily living in and asked if I wanted to get out as well and go for a drive. So we went for a drive, and for the first 15 minutes she barely said a word and looked out her window the whole time. She finally broke down and told me she wanted a divorce, that she's wanted to tell me for a long time, but that she was afraid to say anything.

After having another long talk she indicated she was still willing to meeting with a marriage counselor, but also wants to look at starting the divorce process.

I'm kind of at a loss based on the somewhat conflicting sentiment here, but will continue to take it one day at a time. We still have about 2 months left on the house we started building 6 month ago. We've got a lot of money tied up in that and at this point are still planning on moving in to the house together and trying to make it work as a co-habitation agreement for the short term for financial reasons.

It's going to be a long next couple of months with this, but if anyone has any advice on the co-habitation thing, I would appreciate it.

Thanks!

_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
Counselling - yet to be initiated
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
lfm #2677873 05/16/16 08:42 AM
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Sandi2,

I never said thank you for your response to my post on 5/7. I do appreciate your comments and have been away from the board for a few days.

I don't really have any new developments to report, been working on GAL, been working out regularly, got 3 of my daughters out to see a movie yesterday, trying to keep busy, etc.

I am finding my WW is really struggling with what to do right now. One day she says she knows that she should end things with the OM, but the next day will talk about a future with him. I am trying to just sit back and listen, but it's hard not to engage in some of those discussions.

The thing I have found is that since I confirmed the affair, our communication has gotten much, much better, and she has been very open with me about evertyhing that is going on, maybe too open..., but I'm finding it helps my mental state because then I'm not speculating about what has potentially happened.

I know we've got a long journey ahead of us, regardless of whether we are able to reconcile or not. I have been reading some of the other posts, and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in what I'm going through/experiencing. At this point we're still sleeping in the same bed, and plan to continue that for the foreseeable future, even if it is strictly a plutonic relationship at this point.

Thanks for listening and for the support.


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
lfm #2677889 05/16/16 09:12 AM
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Lfm, sorry to hear about your sitch, it sounds like your doing the right things for you, but I would not want the play by play from my WW... I'm willing to do whatever I need to to ensure NC, but I get nothing from her other than there has been no communication. Just stay strong, focus on you and kids...


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Thanks Coconut!


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
lfm #2677952 05/16/16 11:47 AM
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Posts: 153
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My mind is all over the place, I forgot to mention a week ago, my wife broke down and said she wanted a divorce. That was rough to hear, but then 2 days later she said she was just venting and that she didn't want to start that yet.

She has also said she wants to wait until the house we are building is completed, so that we can evaluate everything after things have settled down a bit. We have about 2 months left before the house will be finished.

The one win, is that she has agreed to start MC, so I'm working on getting that set up.

Thanks again for the support!


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
lfm #2677961 05/16/16 12:09 PM
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LFM

Ive been trying to catch up, on your situation today. My wife BD me on Nov 20th 2015. I've got no evidence of any affair or outside relationship (Not that she couldn't be hiding it), But my wife shows every characteristic of a WW. I would strongly advise you to stick to Sandis rules on the WW.

*She is not the girl you married. She no longer feels the same and won't act the same.
*No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows.
****She does not want to be fixed. Nobody can fix her, especially you. ( IMO would can Marriage counseling at this point)
*She is in complete rebellion, and will defy you when you make demands, threats or give ultimatums.
*Her heart has turned cold and selfish. All she thinks about is what makes her feel good at the moment.
*You cannot change her mind, influence, convince, or sway her by talk.
*Her brain has lost all capacity to use logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her.
*She is addicted to the high she gets from the A. She will do most anything to get her "fix" again.
*She cannot be trusted as long as she is wayward, and until she goes through the complete withdrawal stage from OM/A.
*She will cake eat whenever it suits her......if you allow it.
*She wants the best part of the M and the A. She gets the H for security and OM for her emotional needs.
*She will bait her H, and test him.
*She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached.
*She keeps the M/H as her plan B, in case A/OM doesn't work out.
*She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking.
*Pursuit from her H only pushes her further away.
*She is living in a fantasy world. She wants the dream to continue.
*She will blame her H for every thing wrong in her life. His apology does not erase her resentment. She will totally rewrite their marital history. She holds on to her anger toward him b/c it fuels her negative view of the M and justifies her present actions.
* Her common sense is gone and she only operates from her emotions.
*She is willing to risk everything and throw everything away for her addiction when the A is at its thickest.
*She sees her H as the enemy.
*She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog.
* She is on a roller coaster and will not act the same every single day. Her emotions will be up, down, and all over the place....but never on an even keel.


Me-LBH, 44
Spouse-WAW, 41
Married for 9 years
S, 7 S, 5
BD - November 20th 2015
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