I've been reading the forums for the past couple of weeks, and am in the process of reading Divorce Remedy, although finding it difficult to do with the kids and WW around.
Here's my situation, found out about my wife's EA one morning while she was in the shower. I had suspected something was going on for about a week and found a series of texts from OM that went way beyond flirting and just being friends. I confronted my wife briefly that morning and we talked pretty extensively for the next couple of nights. I'm doing my best to try and dettach, but admit it's been difficult.
We started the process of building our dream house back in October, and she met the OM in January. We are currently living in an apartment while waiting for the house to be finished, which should be in another 3 months or so. Most of our money is tied up in the house, so we have to see that through, and unfortunately don't have resources to move out. We're trying to keep this from our kids for the time being as well, so we're still sleeping in the same bed, and still "acting" as if everything is okay around them.
WW has indicated that she knows she needs to end things with the OM, but continues to let him in a few days after having those moments of clarity. For example, she went out with him this past Saturday, and let me know ahead of time what she was doing. the next day she indicated that it wasn't as fun and exciting as she was hoping for and that she needed to end the relationship with the OM. She did pull away from him for the next 3 days, and really cut back on the texting and phone calls with him, and was not as shut off from me. I thought maybe a sign of progress. Unfortunately yesterday he convinced her to give him money to help pay a bill he had do and that seems to have opened the door with him again, and she's returned to the way things have been.
I know from what I've read here that I should not believe anything I hear and only 50% of what I see, and that I should have been prepared for this regression, but it's hitting me harder than I was prepared for.
I'm doing my best to GAL, going to work out in the evenings, going to church, getting together with friends after work, etc. I think I've had issues with dettaching as I've realized I'm holding on to tight to the hope that we might be able to rebuild the R.
I appreciate all of the support you have all shown on the board, and any advice you might be able to offer. I'm trying to put my best face forward every day, dressing better for work, doing the same in the eventings and weekends, trying to be more engaged with our kids, and all of that. I know it's going to take time and I need a lot of patience. It's only been a month so far, and we've got a long ways to go. I'm really trying to hold on until we get into the new house to see if that can be a unifier for the relationship, as she may realize more than ever what she might be giving up if she doesn't stop the EA (which has started to turn more physical).
Thanks again for your support and words of wisdom! ____________________ M: 44 W: 44 5 kids Married: 20 Suspected 3/30 Confirmed 4/5
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are in this situation. Keep posting and reading other's posts. This is a great support community that will give you great advice. Hang in there.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I do appreciate the support I have seen the other members on the boards provide to each other.
I don't think I explained why I feel lost at the moment. My wife's EA has been going on for several months. I've had confirmation of it for a month now. I've gone through a wide range of emotions, and appreciate everything i have read and seen on these boards. Here's where I'm struggling. I think I've gotten myself mentally and emotionally prepared to walk away if I need to. With that being said, my WW is all over the place. She's actually been very open about everything that is happening since I found out. But this week, she went out with OM on Saturday, came home earlier than I expected. The next day she told me that it wasn't as fun as she thought it would be spending the afternoon with him, and that she needed to end it with him. I let myself get sucked into the thought that maybe it was truly going to end and we could start working on trying to pick up the pieces.
For the next couple of days her behavior event changed, she wasn't trying to hide her phone, she wasn't staying behind closed doors, etc. Then on Wednesday, I got home, and she said she had something to tell me. Turns out the OM called her and asked if she could help him pay a bill, and she gave in and gave him money, told him it was a gift. Since then her behavior is reverted back to hiding her phone, pulling away from me again, etc.
I know this is going to be a roller coaster and she needs to figure it out. I think her gut is telling her she needs to end it with the OM, but doesn't want to deal with it. My gut is that she is hoping it will just fizzle out on it's own and she won't have to deal with it.
I have told her that I'm making sure I'm ready to move on if that time comes, and that I won't sit on the sidelines to be her back up plan while she is figuring this out. I know she's afraid that if she ends thing with the OM and I move on, that she ends up alone, so I think she is clinging onto what she sees as her only viable option to be with someone (by keeping the OM in the picture).
Anyone experience this before? I'm focused on taking care of myself, but at the same time, don't want to see her set herself up for failure like this.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I do have the DR book and am working through it. I most definitely am keeping it hidden, but that is also making it difficult to find time to read as we are temporarily in a small apartment waiting for a new house to finish being built. (I know, great timing right?) Found out about the EA about 4 months after we committed to build the new house.
Anyway, thanks for the continued support and I'll continue to post updates.
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
She's actually been very open about everything that is happening since I found out. But this week, she went out with OM on Saturday, came home earlier than I expected. The next day she told me that it wasn't as fun as she thought it would be spending the afternoon with him, and that she needed to end it with him. I let myself get sucked into the thought that maybe it was truly going to end and we could start working on trying to pick up the pieces.
For the next couple of days her behavior event changed, she wasn't trying to hide her phone, she wasn't staying behind closed doors, etc. Then on Wednesday, I got home, and she said she had something to tell me. Turns out the OM called her and asked if she could help him pay a bill, and she gave in and gave him money, told him it was a gift. Since then her behavior is reverted back to hiding her phone, pulling away from me again, etc.
I know this is going to be a roller coaster and she needs to figure it out. I think her gut is telling her she needs to end it with the OM, but doesn't want to deal with it. My gut is that she is hoping it will just fizzle out on it's own and she won't have to deal with it.
I have told her that I'm making sure I'm ready to move on if that time comes, and that I won't sit on the sidelines to be her back up plan while she is figuring this out. I know she's afraid that if she ends thing with the OM and I move on, that she ends up alone, so I think she is clinging onto what she sees as her only viable option to be with someone (by keeping the OM in the picture).
Anyone experience this before? I'm focused on taking care of myself, but at the same time, don't want to see her set herself up for failure like this.
Thanks all!
lfm,
My WW did the same thing. She was open with me that she was dating. This really worried me when I first found out. My stomach was in knots. She manipulated me into trying to reconcile and did not respect my boundary of dating so I took action with my sitch. She wanted to be the ultimate cake eater. As soon as I did that she filed for D.
One of the rules is do not believe 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do. Lesson learned for me.
You don't want to see her set herself up for failure like this? Do you really feel you are responsible for her actions?
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Good question JimKao: You don't want to see her set herself up for failure like this? Do you really feel you are responsible for her actions?
I don't feel responsible for her actions, and know she has to complete this journey on her own. While I have detached and am ready to walk away, I still have the protective instinct to want to make sure she doesn't set herself up for an even worse situation than she is in. In the end I know she'll figure it out on her own, in her own time.
I'm focused on bettering myself right now, and what happens with her is what happens... This week I think I finally realized I have no control or input into this situation and just have to follow through on patience, patience, patience!
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Definitely not having one of my better nights tonight. Wife went to a former co-workers house for a get together and said she would be home around 10/10:30. When she wasn't home at midnight I tracked her phone and she was at the OM's house. As far as I know she had never been there before.
I know this is her journey and I need to let her figure it out, but feeling really low at the moment, and just needed to vent. My small win is I didn't ask her where she was or who she was with, I just said I was dissapointed that she said she would be home at a certain time and that it was disrespectful to come home at 1 am.
Anyway, couldn't sleep after that tonight, so I'm here venting. Thanks for listening.
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
I guess I should add some additional things. I am trying to pick up on little wins, she does still wear her wedding ring, and will still give me a kiss good bye on occaission. I should be focusing more on those things as they provide a small glimmer of hope, rather than focusing on the fact that she spent time with the OM tonight. I think my frustration with that comes from the fact that the past couple of times she has spent time with him, she has let me know ahead of time.
Anyway, I should get to bed and try to get some sleep.
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
