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Hi bigybiz,

I think that you should stay focused on you. There are not really ideas for the relationship dynamic until she wants to do so. You mention she is still leaving. DR would teach that the LRT and 180 are the best bets. And these are based on focusing on yourself.

You are doing some great things, but it still sounds like you are looking for a magic bullet. MWD says that there is not one.
I hope I am not coming off as rough, as I could only wish I was at least in the place where you are as it sounds like you are doing great and there is potential for your MR, but I would say the idea you need are simply things that make you happy regardless of your W. If you don't do this, she will not trust your changes, and your changes won't be permanent.

All of this IMHO.

Keep up the great efforts and I love hearing your PMA in each of your posts.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SadHub:

Thanks for your post and your sound advice. I guess the way I write must sound very desperate - you are not the first person to accuse me of looking for a silver bullet.

As you know - I really feel my GAL is going well - hence the increased confidence. I need to remind myself it's because of God's help.

I'm thrilled with the number of projects I've got done around the house.

I'm ecstatic by the support I've got from friends and family. Today I made a list of 17 guys who have helped me directly in the last 6 months. All have broken bread, drained beers, prayed, opened their home, shared their experiences, etc etc. This is the core group. Never mind the many many "casual" supporters

I've kept the kids extremely busy and I'm loving it.

I've become the master of my home - cooking, cleaning, etc - She even complained that I'm squeezing her out.

My body is so fit, it even looks like I have some muscles and a flat stomach. Never mind I could outrun most people when the zombies invade.

But SadHub my friend, the tips on how to deal with my WW/WAW have been thought provoking and been game changers. Further, I really do enjoy watching her struggle as almost daily there is some kind of change.

A couple of weeks ago Sandi2 posted on Melo's thread about looking her directly in the eye when I speak to her. That was awesome. I'm sure my increased confidence has made a difference in my voice and posture too.

So here it is, Those are kinds of the tips I'm looking for. Simple things that I would not think of that would be the icing on top of all the other changes. So what do you have for me. What are some LRT/180 tips that I should try? I've been trying to do the opposite of what is expected - but that's not always possible.

I can truly say the slices of cake she is eating are getting smaller.

To be totally honest, I've even thrown out some of the pages in DB/DR. I've found acting as if she will still be here has really helped. She has become engaged in the house, the kids, etc. Remember in Jan, Feb and Mar she hid in the basement. Today, she is a much bigger part of the house.

Even if she still leaves, she knows that the kids and I are living full wonderful lives without her.

BTW - my motorcycle hopefully will be here on the weekend. It's a teeny tiny bike - but I can't wait.

So lay it on me. What are some ideas that I can change the way I relate to her.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Mar 2016
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Hi bigybiz.

You are doing so well. Your PMA, your actions, your faith in God, your anxiousness to learn are all awesome. I am looking to you as a sound example of what I am shooting for. I don't have any unique ideas at this time as I am working on mastering some of the things you are getting done now. Great job my brother.

What kind of motorcycle? I am planning on getting my endorsement on my license for a motorcycle real soon and I am shopping potential motorcycles myself. Always wanted to do it, so no better time than now eh.

Keep up the great work and I will be checking to see if you get some additional unique ideas.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Posts: 563
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SadHub:

Thanks for the encouragement. It's a very little Kawi 250. It was someone's first love and it was languishing in the garage. I've always wanted one - so now it's time.

Do you think it's worth starting a thread with ideas/tips on was to GAL, and 180/LRT?

What do you think? Lots of people could add ideas.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Is there a particular interaction with your wife that you'd like to change? A few specific examples of situations you want to improve might help people provide ideas.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Feb 2016
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Rose888:

Thanks for your post and that's a great question. My own personal DB/DR strategy has been to let everyone know that I'm/we are going to be great no matter what happens. I've been doing everything I can do on my own (I think)

Where I struggle is on the issues that she has to be involved in e.g. $, kids programs, summer camps, major house improvements, etc.

I've tried the casual, informal i.e. "Here is an idea... what do you think? Almost no response - or she says "I'll think about it and let you know".

I've tried - why don't you take care of these 3 things and I'll take care of these 3. She won't do her 3 and we miss the deadline, the kids suffer or I just go ahead and make the decision.

I've tried - Firm and direct with some things. I'm taking the boys away skiing next weekend. Any issues? Do you want to come?

Limited engagement from her. As it is she feels that I try and control her anyways so I can't be too firm that it seems like I'm taking over.

I tried the emotional - "I want us to work together, This is hard for me, etc." Initially she suggested we meet everyday so we could make it a habit. - but it's not been a habit and I have to say. Why are you making me nag you to address these things.

So I need some fresh ideas. We need to talk about house improvements, new purchases, our kid's summer plans, etc. If we don't make the plans we will be in trouble and up against the wall, She is reluctant to do anything. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

So this is my most pressing issue.

I've read and reread DB and DR. I've not tried undressing if she won't participate - but that could be next.

My DB coach said she is confused and does not want to think too much about the future. That does not help me if the summer camp spots are filing up.

There you have it Rose888 and anyone else who can help.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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I'd take a long, hard look at what you really have to decide.

You said major home improvements--do these have to be done this year?

Do your kids have to go to summer camps? Mine are almost the same ages as yours, and we aren't planning camps this year.

Of the things you've tried, it sounds like the firm and direct method works the best. For the decisions you really, truly have to make, I'd use that method and then handle all the logistics yourself. If you aren't asking her to do anything, then the control issue is moot.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Bigybiz,

It sounds like you are in a challenging situation. Separated but not separated. Has your coach given you ideas. It sounds almost like a limbo situation because she is not willing to participate in decisions.

I don't know if this is sound advice or not, but my coach advised me to make decisions and do things without the filter of WAW when I metioned the damned if I do damned if I don't feelings. In the matters where you feel she needs to be involved, if she is not willing to be involved you may just need to make the best decision that you would make as if you did not have a W. I mean damned if you do damned if you don't from her perception, but the decision you make will be a good one for you right?

I am pulling for you so that you will feel confident in what you do and I can't wait to hear of your adventures with the motorcycle.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 563
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Rose888:

Thanks for your response - very helpful. I guess I will continue to use all of the strategies as each has it's own value.

My motorcycle is coming tomorrow - I told her what I'm doing and said any objections....

I'm going ahead with the basement reno. Last year it was put off because of the drama in our house. It was promised to the kids - I'm not going to break that promise again. She can participate if she wants.

On the other items I will continue to try find new ways to either get her involved or for her to put on her big girl pants and say - You should take care of it.

My goal is to rebuild my MR - so things that are easy/small I'm just doing. Things that a couple is "supposed" to do I will look to my 180/LRT to get any reaction - good or bad.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 563
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bigybiz Offline OP
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SadHub: Thanks for your post.

The WW/WAW and I have not really talked in the last couple of days so I'm going to see how the weekend plays out. There will be some odd things going on this weekend so it might be a good opportunity for some game changing ideas. Two of my kids will not be here so Mothers day will be a non issue, my motorcycle should arrive, there are some house projects on the go, so I'm hoping that the LRT/180 will bear fruit.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
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