Just got off the phone with coach as it has been about 2 months since last call.
I filled him in.
He thinks it is a positive that she hasnt just flat out said no.
We discussed if there is no response or a "no " is said and how i react .
A 180, would be for me to joke around bringing it up and say "was it you I asked to dinner this weekend?"
or now that she is a little under the weather to go ahead and say to her that since you are not feeling well and a busy weekend coming why dont we postpone.
And if she says no, then i should still act the same around her and interact instead of withdrawling and do dim.
these are all different than what i would typically do.
A lot to think about.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Certainly can't hurt to do the unexpected once in a while - sometimes you just have to go for it. Like anything else in DB, I imagine it's a case of experimenting and monitoring the results and backing off if you hit resistance.
One thing that has worked for me is not asking my W to do things with me, but simply telling her what I am doing. Like last weekend:
W: "What are you up to this weekend?" ME: "Well, Saturday morning I'm scheduled to volunteer at XYZ for a couple hours, then I plan to pick up some meat and grill out for lunch, and then at night I'm going to the Roller Derby matches." W: "Oh. ... Ok."
I didn't invite her. She never asked if she could go, and never explicitly said whether she wanted to do any of those things, but later she asked me if I could pick up a Filet Mignon for her; and an hour before Roller Derby there she was getting ready. I literally didn't know until that moment whether she actually was going with me or not, but she went and thankfully we ended up having a good time.
If I had come out and framed it as a date or pushed for a commitment, I suspect I would not have gotten as positive an end result.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
EDF When we were in house it kind of was the same but it really revolved around the kids. Now that we are out of the house together it is still kid based.
This is something different. Who knows where it will go yet.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Vise to answer your question first before i update...
I have not really thought about just getting the D. I was going to comment on your thread about this but i will do it here. I kind of feel that you are putting entirely too much emphasis on the fact that you are still legally married. Your W does not think this way. You keep mentioning that your feelings are hurt when you are not invited to things with her family or stuff she is doing. She is not emotionally married to you anymore it is just a piece of paper. The WAS feel that the conversation about splitting or separating freed them.
Yes they will treat friends and anyone else better than you. it is because they feel no pressure from them and they are not a reminder of what they are doing. Yes they will still feel you are ok to do things with the family but they are doing that for the kids and to ease the feelings they get of guilt at times.
So, with that in mind I never considered the filing part. In reality i dont want that and i know that being legally separated frees her to do what ever she wants anyway in her mind. therefore, if i ever just want to move on i will start D or not.
So update time...
We all know that i asked W if there was interest to go out with me. She responded that she needed to process this. Then W got sick this weekend. Saw her yesterday and she still looked in bad shape. So i have had no answer. Dont know if she plans on responding yes or no, or at all.
I had a DB coach call a day or two after the question was asked. Coach felt that there was no problem asking as we discussed this a few months earlier. We discussed what I do with a no answer or not getting an answer.
he did think that her response was a positive.
I was asked if she said no or didnt answer what would the old me do? I said I would probably pull away and not really engage her or just be more quiet around her. He suggested i 180 that. Dont change the interaction we have at all. She may very well be really struggling with what to think. If i show the old me when i dont get an answer I like or quick enough then she was justified.
In the end the answer will definitely have an impact but I need to continue being me and moving forward. So if she maybe not quite ready yet then there may be a chance down the road. I also informed him that I was also very curious that if i got a no or non response if i would let go more. so we are seeing how that plays out as well.
Anyway, I will keep everyone up to date.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I definitely understand the point about the emotional divorce vs a piece of paper. But I'm not going to lie the word scares the [censored] out of me when brought up by wife. Which has actually only been once.
If you get a second to look at my situation since separation April 1st, I'd be interested in hearing any suggestions. I feel like I'm about where I expected to be this early into separation.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
