It seems to me that right now, your focus is on reconciling and getting him back on to your property so that you can start rebuilding a friendship. And that's not where your focus should be. It should be on you and you alone. We know you have CoDependent issues to work on. Are you? If so, how? Are you GAL? If so, what are you doing? While rebuilding your friendship is a key part of having a healthy M, you have to ask yourself, do you want a friend or do you want a H? Based on what I'm seeing from your H, I think he is wanting to be just friends. I don't think that's what you want. Letting him back onto your property to just start being friends again will not solve your problems. I understand the financial situation but that's not your problem. He left so its HIS problem. If you let him back onto the property so that you can be "friends", he is essentially cake eating. As long as you aren't being mean to him, why wouldn't he want to move back? Its better for him financially but he can still be S from you because he's in his own house. He's telling you "I'm done, you can't fix this and I don't want to work on this." Allowing him back as a "friend" will not fix your M. Right now, I think you need to be focused on yourself and GAL. Let him see how awesome you are on your own. Let him see what he is missing. Let him be jealous of the life you are living without him. When his tune changes, THEN you can consider letting him back onto the property. I know how painful these past few weeks have been. I know how badly you want him back. But he has to come back under the right circumstances. You are familiar with my story and how quickly things have been changing for me. I'm actually having to put the brakes on things a little bit. My W and I went to our first MC session together since we started piecing. For me, starting MC was the first step to allowing her back into our home. She's showed her rent house to someone yesterday and they fell in love with it. They want to move in NEXT WEEK! That's where I had to throw on the brakes a little because I know there are things we haven't even talked about and processed yet. You can't let them back in just because they want to (and because you want them to). You can't skip steps. They have to do the work. If you don't, you'll end right back up in the same painful situation again. In my opinion, you shouldn't be letting him back into the house until you see a significant change in his attitude and behavior.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
LandC, I can tell you are very passionate about this, doing lot's of reading, and identifying your unhealthy and co-dependent patterns. But that is just the first step of many! And as several of us here know, this is a very loooonnnngggg process and it involves a tremendous amount of time and patience.
I see that everything you are doing is to win H back. While that may or may not work, it is not the point that we are all trying to make. DB is about taking focus off of H and putting that energy into you. You make it very clear you have A LOT of work to do on yourself--self love, self growth, new job, independence, not being a people pleaser, maybe focus on other Rs in your life, and the hardest of all ... wait for it ... coming to terms with the fact that you can have your own life with or WITHOUT this man! There is no way any of us can do that in a few weeks or even a few months.
This is really hard stuff! So as Lim is asking, what are you doing to GAL, 180, and not only to show H? Have you started to imagine what your life could be like without him? And I don't mean with his friendship or him living right next door, I mean you and YOU on your own.
Sorry for the tough love. I see you have a lot of energy and you are trying so, so hard! But there is also a level of acceptance and grief, that cannot be glossed over. You don't want to win back H right now. You want someone that loves you and values you for YOU. But that cannot truly happen until you can start to do that for yourself. And that can only happen as your slowly change your mindset and patterns over time.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi DBers- Feel like I've gone beyond DARK and have created a black hole...suddenly having a gut feeling today that it's time to see each other in person. it's starting to feel almost unkind to be this out of contact. In next couple of days will be deciding when to say it's ok for him to come back to live on our property. Suddenly it just feels in my gut that this is the way forward. I know I need to think this through, but also don't want to over think it. Today is one month since our fight that precipitated his moving out 2 days later. I feel like this much DARK may start to harm our chances in the long run. Need to figure out the ground rules and how this will work and what I will propose to him. Looking at Mort Fertels Marriage Fitness program that starts next Monday....have any of you had experience with it??? would love to know if yes. thanks!!!
Only you can know exactly what is best for your situation. The rest of us are just having a quick peek into your life. I know 1 month feels like an eternity but it is nothing more than a blip on the radar in the span of the rest of your life. Going dark is a technique for a reason. It allows the other person to begin to "miss" you and it also gives you the opportunity to spend this time working on YOU. You are very much focused on him right now. I know you feel like you are detached but you are not. Until you are, you can't truly begin to work on your own issues. You need to know for yourself that you CAN go on in life without him. We know you don't want to. None of us want to lose our S. But you need to know that you can do that if you have to. Once you know in your heart that you are capable of that, you will transform yourself into a strong, confident, self sufficient woman. Right now, you are weak and CoDependent. Which do you think is more attractive? Which do you think he is most likely to want to return to? Sorry for the tough love but people don't come here so that they can be told to live in a fantasy world. They come here to save their R's. That's what we are trying to help you do. Focus on YOU LandC. That's how you save your M.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Only you can know exactly what is best for your situation. The rest of us are just having a quick peek into your life. I know 1 month feels like an eternity but it is nothing more than a blip on the radar in the span of the rest of your life. Going dark is a technique for a reason. It allows the other person to begin to "miss" you and it also gives you the opportunity to spend this time working on YOU. You are very much focused on him right now. I know you feel like you are detached but you are not. Until you are, you can't truly begin to work on your own issues. You need to know for yourself that you CAN go on in life without him. We know you don't want to. None of us want to lose our S. But you need to know that you can do that if you have to. Once you know in your heart that you are capable of that, you will transform yourself into a strong, confident, self sufficient woman. Right now, you are weak and CoDependent. Which do you think is more attractive? Which do you think he is most likely to want to return to? Sorry for the tough love but people don't come here so that they can be told to live in a fantasy world. They come here to save their R's. That's what we are trying to help you do. Focus on YOU LandC. That's how you save your M.
THIS UP HERE!
LandC, it is up to you to listen and make the changes, and no one can do that for you. I get the sense you just want H back and will do whatever it takes for that to happen. Maybe DB is not for you, but just know that you are going to go back to the same patterns. I get the feeling you think that if you do all the research and put a lot of energy into examining your sitch, that that will bring your M back.
In reality, having a healthy M comes from breaking codependency, being a stronger more independent person, and lastly having an H that recognizes this too and is committed to making his own changes. It is not possible to accomplish that in a month.
We are telling you this because we read your posts, we see all the same patterns, and this is not the best thing for you. I hope you will listen so you can have healthier and ultimately happier Rs!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I totally get your feelings, and to reply to your post to me a few days on your thread, yes I too am finding this hard. Seeing him treat me bad, ignore me and all the triggers around me are painful. Having a person you love and want to love you right next to you asleep in bed is an unbelievable pain. Our wedding anniversary is round the corner and that's on the back of my mind.
I totally totally agree with what lim says about getting them back quickly will lead to being back here. When my h broke off with the last ow, I was so happy to have him back, we were like two teens that got together, he came straight back into the room and we continued as normal. He hadn't dealt with issues and we didn't mend our m.
They need to realise the consequences of their actions, and need to do the work on themselves
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
wow, wow, wow, I am so grateful for your response. at work now and need to go home and ponder all of this. It makes sense. I will answer questions when I get home. I just am so very happy to have your help. I was thinking today, obviously it would be freakin' NUTS to just say - sure honey, move on back to house, when I haven't even seen him in person! so much to meditate upon. THANKS!!!! I HEAR you!
You have some good advice above. Please make sure the choices you make are for you!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Cherry, my WW and I went through an EA two years ago. I was strong and didn't budge on making it work, we got back together, I forgave, she did no work, and back her we are. We did have a wonderful 6 month of make up, but then the lies, lack of commitment etc, all came back. I am glad for that 2 years, especially to be with my kids, but now is the real venture...
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Hi Cherry, LiM & Bluwave, I did not go dark on purpose! Our electricity was out most of last night and today! Reading and rereading what you wrote. off to my IC. will write more later. thank you from my heart.
